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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I came here looking for a place to vent and share my story as I do not want to call my girlfriends airing out my relationship issues with them any more than I have in the past. I hate dragging them into it and it's hard to get a man's point of view.

For a background, I am 27yo gal, engaged after over 2 years together. I am a college graduate, and have my own career in law enforcement established before I met my fiance.

This is my first real relationship that has been serious, and over 3 months long. 95% of the time everything is great. We have been living together since about six months into our relationship. He moved in with me since I bought a house in the town that we both work in.

So we have had our fights, which have came up maybe on average 1 time a month. Some kinda dumb and we get over quick..then other issues which create a ****pile more drama.

No offense guys, but I do feel like the man in this relationship. I almost always the cause of the fight. And 100% of the time it is me not thinking it would ever cause a problem.

Our last fight: I had a friend come in from out of town who had just gotten divorced 2 days prior. So this was a celebration for her..and I felt she should "get some" if she wanted. So I made it my personal goal to try to get her a male friend that evening. Earlier in the day, we (fiance and I) told her she could bring him home cause we weren't about to let her go to a stranger's place.

So, we went out for Halloween. Everything seemed to be going great but he was fuming in the background I find out later....Anyways my friend found a guy she got kissy with and I was running back and forth between her, my fiance, and the bar..talking, dancing, etc. Needless to say I was drunk, later in the fight he told me he had told me that night before going home that he didn't want me to bring them back...I honestly have no recollection of that. What made it worse is that he had a big test the next morning (which he planned on failing anyways since he didn't study..a career advancement test you can take untill you pass). So I insisted these guys (the guy my friend liked and the roommate since he didn't have a ride back)...

I figured it was ok since my friend was here..and that we had said we would have whatever guy she wanted over (which I find out later she didn't even care if we left him there).

So it really pissed him off that I brought these guys back...that I was drinking with them in the living room (with my friend) while he was trying to sleep...and we were making too much noise. I didn't find out he was mad till I went to the room when we got home to give him a kiss and he told me "Don't touch me" So I got defensive and was asking him what he was mad about...he went off about the test and I rattled back about him not studdying and giving a **** anyways. Then he got madder and I walked out saying "Just shut up" (He heard "Just shut the **** up"...and I don't remember swearing at him)...

So long story short he told me he felt like I disrespected him by doing what I did. He told me he was leaving (not the first time he's packed, which later he tells me he'd never leave after we make up)...but my friend went to talk to him and basically asked him if it was worth leaving..etc. She told me later he wasn't really going to leave and that it was his defense mechanism...

It is really hard to condense everything but what bugs me about this one is that we made up almost a week ago...and everything was fine or so it seemed....then today he comes home and is all distant and depressed. He is already stressed out because of a death in the family, his sister's husband being a **** to her, our issues with the city zoning...so I don't know why this issue came up again.

I really understand he is hurting..yesterday he came home and wanted to snuggle. Today he came home and was cold and distant. I had to pry it out of him that he was mad again...and I didn't trigger it.

What bugs the piss out of me is that he went to the bar, alone. I really don't like that to start, but I really hate it now that he's mad at me because it feels like he's doing it in spite. Every time I screw up he emotionally punishes me for it. I told him it's not healthy, that I don't like it, and it ends up making me mad in the long run. Well it's 30 past closing time and he hasn't text me to tell me he's safe at home. Needless to say I will be livid if he fails to text me tonight.

We had established a long time ago we wouldn't go to the bar after a fight. I only let him go tonight because of all the other things going on. I had to work tonight so I wasn't able to drink let alone be home to go pick him up.

I really don't like the getback defense games he plays. Although this time I don't want to start things with his family loss and with everything else. I know I ****ed up, and it is really too bad I don't have better prediction skills. I feel like an idiot. He always asks me how I would feel and then it comes into perspective, later.

I think a problem is that I am far too comfortable being around guys. I work with all men, every day. I am used to discusting gross talk and I am really one of the guys. One big fight we got into was when he went home I went to party with coworkers and got drunk and decided to stay there (in a room alone with the door locked) instead of driving. Well poor judgement on me cause that pissed him off big time. "It's not you I don't trust, it's them"....too true. I guess I feel that I knew them so it would be ok.

I have never delt with this in a previous relationship as I never really dated long enough to get into issues like this. I am so frustrated by my lack of thinking before doing. I mean I think it's ok before hand because in reality I am not doing anything like cheating or anything like it and it doesn't dawn on me till after the fact when he is mad.

What's worse is that I have a tendancy to try to explain my mindset at the time, and well, that doesn't make things better. He think's I am justifying it. I appologize over and over, I just want him to know I didn't have these intentions and I didn't even think about it like that before he said what he felt was wrong about the situation.


Sorry for the long rambling....I just feel like **** and needed to vent. I need unbiased input. I can't believe how hard it is to talk things over in a fight versus a normal basis. How can you go from perfect to ****ed up in one night? How do I keep doing similar things like making him jealous or worry about guys around me? Because I know it drives me nuts knowing he is at the bar, mad at me, and looking all sad girls FLOCK to him. So...how should I feel? Because I feel like I am being punished.
 

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Woman's perspective here:

You feel like you're being punished because you ARE being punished. Get to couples counseling with him so you two can learn to communicate with each other and FIGHT FAIRLY.

YOU NEED TO GET INTO IC!!! I cannot believe (I mean I *DO* believe it, but...) that you cannot see how your behavior with your divorced girlfriend and two guys appears to OTHER PEOPLE. MUCH LESS how it appeared to YOUR GUY. UGH! Why can you see it AFTER the fact, but can never predict how bad it will appear BEFORE the fact?!?

And too drunk to drive home, locked in a bedroom alone! That is why they have CABS. I'm not one to say, "Oh, what will the neighbors think? (I say 'screw them') but I think there is a LOT OF ROOM for behavior improvement between not giving a sh*t what the neighbors think AND not giving a sh*t what ANYBODY thinks! You should not live your life afraid of rumor and petty gossip, but neither should you live your life in a manner that causes those nearest and dearest to you to raise their eyebrows and look askance at you or to be scandalized by your shocking lack of comprehension.

Although YOU know that nothing happened alone in a locked bedroom, and your fiance may know that nothing happened, it cannot do YOU OR YOUR CAREER any good to get a s1utty reputation! It will NOT help career advancement (unless you work in Detroit law enforcement, but I digress). People you work with will be ONLY TO WILLING to believe the WORST about you (everybody loves water-cooler gossip).

Get into IC to see WHY you're sabotaging this relationship, because YOU ARE! Are you afraid to commit 'forever'? Are you afraid of having to change who you are fundamentally because you're a wife/mother? Are you afraid it's 'too good to be true' and you're trying to hurt him BEFORE he hurts you? Get into IC NOW and find out MORE about yourself, please.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the feedback. What is IC? Individual Counseling? I probably should. I have emotional baggage from some other stuff too. Not that I would consider it mind crushing, but I know I never really dealt with it.

Clearly this can't keep going on where I assume it's ok....and not look stop and think about it a bit harder before doing it. I think overall I need to be very cautious about how I interact with men outside of work. I am far too comfortable around them, feeling like one of the guys when outside of work I am not viewed like that. It's a behavior I've done for years and never had anyone to get mad at me for it, let alone me to get jealous of someone else...
 
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