I've seen women and men cheaters use a lot of the same nonsense excuses myself.I can go over the stupid crap female cheaters say if you would like? They are usually the ones screaming they were forced or drugged. Since we are talking to a betrayed wife, didn’t think that would matter. Though it is good to note if this woman turns up having cheated on her husband and then that guy comes searching for the dude that took advantage of his poor, poor wife.
This is the time to be selfish. You do what YOU need to do.Yes. He is willing to tead it. He has been researching every day ways to help me. I came home earlier than he expected me one day last week, and he was blubbering as badly as I do. He said he has been doing that every day, but makes sure that I don’t see it: that he is trying to be strong for me so that he can help me heal from this monumental betrayal. He knows he likely lost me forever, nbut is still trying to help me heal in order to one day try to salvage our marriage, even though I am unsure that I will be able to continue the relationship. I am still in disbelief and tomorrow will be a month since I have known. I am still very physically ill and have full days where I can barely function. I cannot reconcile the man I knew with the actions he took. Un.f****ing believable! Thank you all for the supportive posts (and for repeating the book title). I really can’t handle much more negativity right now. I am pretty fragile and like someone said, don’t need the beating. I knowthe situation I am in. This was NEVER supposed to happen, but now, I am expected to try to forgive the unthinkable. Not sure that I am even capable of that.
It’s my understanding that the marriage record for cheater’s second, third or fourth marriages is dismal, awful. Like they fail miserably close to 80% of the time.I too, forgave when he cheated at the ten year mark. After much counseling together because he “was SO sorry” I came to understand MY boundary - ok, I’ll continue with the marriage you ruined - then one you keep trying to repair. BUT - you do it again - even something that looks remotely close to this again and I will divorce you without even discussing it with you.
I found out again at the 20 year mark - blatant cheating. Gifts for her galore too.
So I divorced him. I’ve never regretted leaving him! His 3rd wife is now divorcing him after 12 years together… for guess what? Yep, he cheated - he just doesn’t know how to NOT cheat!
you can stay = you have no idea if he will do it again - or not.
I wish I hadn’t wasted another 10 years based on the fact that he knew he wasn’t capable of being who I needed him to be.
There have been several men and women that the guilt tears them up. They then confess to what has happened. So he can be telling the truth about this.He says the guilt was killing him. Every time I woke in the night, he was awake, so I think that is true. (He had a vasectomy about 18 years ago and we are both in the clear for all testing—3 weeks after the event.). He never even considered his own sexual health!!!
I am beyond devastated.
Time and healing.I just do not even know where to start.
HOW does someone FORGIVE something like this?!!!!
Shame he did not have the moral fortitude and conscience to keep his pecker in his pants. If one has a conscience, guilt is unnecessary, because this would not have happened in the first place.There have been several men and women that the guilt tears them up. They then confess to what has happened. So he can be telling the truth about this.
This can also be the first time this has happened. It could also have been the last time in a string of ONS.
It looks like the two of you had clean STD screenings so he didn’t confess because he caught something.
You need to decide what YOU can and can’t live with. It is your choice to work it out or end the marriage.
If you were only looking for an excuse to end the marriage, you have it like you said. File for divorce and move on with your life.
Im so glad it helped.DosEquis,
Thank you for this post. This one was very positive. You helped me eat some of the lunch that I had been staring at and had already decided to trash.
Great post, and to touch on it a bit more I think there is a lot of power and strength in not ever staying because of fear or pain… but to only reconcile from a place of healed and clear thinking. Reconcile because you are at a stable and good place and he is reconciliation material if that’s what you eventually choose.I think it's important that you both give yourself permission to end things with your head held high as well as recognize that he's not who you thought he was.
This doesn't mean you have to end it. It means that you're taking the power and that is mentally freeing. And seeing him for who he is will reset your starring point
And who is he? You can answer thar best but based on your story he's a guy who decided to pay you back by ****ing another woman. He's not a poor victim....he made a decision to pay you back for whatever he perceived you were doing. He's a guy who dealt with what he thought was a small kitchen fire by blowout up the house.
Now that doesn't mean he lacks good qualities or that it's not worth giving reconciliation a shot. I means that you have to do it with your eyes open as to who you've got. You'll have to decide if you can live with that. I couldn't but others can and do.
Just know that real reconciliation can take years and there's no guarantee, so you'll have to decide if you want to invest the time. And there may come a point where you need to cut your losses. You will never look at him the same again, so you'll have to decide if what you're getting is worth it.
I suspect that is because most people have no clue how to achieve that. And, if they did they may realize it isn't worth the effort, because I bet it does take an immense amount of work to get to that point.Great post, and to touch on it a bit more I think there is a lot of power and strength in not ever staying because of fear or pain… but to only reconcile from a place of healed and clear thinking. Reconcile because you are at a stable and good place and he is reconciliation material if that’s what you eventually choose.
I don’t think 99% of reconciliations come from that place of strength. They mostly come from fear I think. I also think that’s why most people fail at or have deep resentment and insecurity during their continued marriage.
How/where do I find these stories? There really haven’t been any consequences for him. I have basically shut down. I think I am in the “depression” portion of the acceptance process now. I am a fixer, too, and a nurturer, so I find myself comforting him!!! (To his credit, he tells me not to worry about his feelings—his do not matter now…only mine.)Time and healing. I suggest reading some stories on here. No Longer Lonely Husband’s story and Vintage Retro’s story. They will show you how each moved forward. One staying and the other ending the marriage. I always say divorce the cheater. There have only been a few times I suggested R where the cheater showed real remorse and was doing everything in their power to fix it. You are the only one that knows your husband. You’re the one that sees his actions and know if he is actually doing the heavy lifting to repair what he has broken. Two things in his favor, he never tried to blame shift and he confessed. So many betrayed spouses have to find out themselves that they are with a cheater.