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Unless he has corrected all the lies in that absurd story he gave you, I would not trust him.
That, plus many other things. Rebuilding trust takes a lot of work for the offender and none from the betrayed, because the betrayed cannot rebuild truth in someone else.
The trouble is that often the 'pretending I have changed' carries on till they move back in together. The after a few weeks or months the cracks start to show.
It is important to wait and watch for a lengthy period of time. I'd say at least a year.
 

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Yes, he is, and yes, he has. He tries to understand how I feel, and he believes he really does. I don’t think that is true, but it hasn’t deterred him from continuing to try. He is healing many of his own wounds at least.
Good to hear.

As you move through this time of seperation and reflect of what you need and want for the future now that the landscape of your marriage has irrevocably changed, I think youll know when its time to move forward in a more set direction. I dont like hard and fast time frames. I do like the "take your time and dont rush it" sentiment.

My counsel is to wait until you hit the "zen of meh" stage where you know youll be ok with or without him as your husband & life partner. This is usually marked by greatly decreased emotional swings and anger that no longer burns white hot. Put another way, you reach a point of being semi ambivalent.

I do think you're heading there gauging by the tone of your recent posts.

Strength and healing to you Ma'am.

~ DE
 
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I had to do my 3 month STD/STI testing this week…put me in a pretty foul mood, of course. On the bright side, though, I was prescribed a very mild anti/anxiety, anti-depression, sleep medication and last night was the first time I have felt like I actually slept since August 24th. Woke up truly feeling rested. Gonna get some more again tonight. 😊

Also, I have IC tomorrow.
QUick Question WW - has he given you access to all of his phone, email, etc.? Have you looked to see if there was anything leading up to that Tuesday night? He will of course have deleted stuff, but you should be able to check the phone against your phone bill to see if he DID delete stuff (or use software to recover deleted texts). This may give you some sort of confidence that it was TRULY a ONS or if there was some sort of EA leading up to that.....
 

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Unless he has corrected all the lies in that absurd story he gave you, I would not trust him.
It's very unlikely this woman was a stranger 'one night stand'. The OP has said herself that this is a small town.
Anyway, the marital dynamic is set, the holidays are upon us.
This is her life/journey.
Growth can be difficult but the alternative is worse.
I hope the best for you Woundidwife.
 

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Madam, I can vouch for what others are saying about change. It's hard, really hard. After 61 years on gods green earth, I found I have bipolar illness, sprinkled with ADHD to sweeten it. A very sobering moment for me. During IC I've had to come to terms that I haven't been a good person to live with and not easy to love. Obviously knowledge of my problems, acceptance of it and seeking treatment all help. Making amends to those I've wronged and Hurst is most beneficial. The biggie is that every single day of my life now I must be aware of my "defect" and approach each day anew in a way, so as to allow myself room to change and grow. To be able to communicate with my world in peace, not anger and emotional outbursts. It will take time for me to effect change, but it's time I want. I want to be better for me and my SO.
Time is what it takes .
 

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Discussion Starter · #726 ·
He
QUick Question WW - has he given you access to all of his phone, email, etc.? Have you looked to see if there was anything leading up to that Tuesday night? He will of course have deleted stuff, but you should be able to check the phone against your phone bill to see if he DID delete stuff (or use software to recover deleted texts). This may give you some sort of confidence that it was TRULY a ONS or if there was some sort of EA leading up to that.....
He did give me access to everything. He was also already in the habit of deleting everything (“keeps the phone running smoothly”). There was nothing to find. He truly did not know this woman, whom he chose over me, essentially ruining our lives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #727 ·
Madam, I can vouch for what others are saying about change. It's hard, really hard. After 61 years on gods green earth, I found I have bipolar illness, sprinkled with ADHD to sweeten it. A very sobering moment for me. During IC I've had to come to terms that I haven't been a good person to live with and not easy to love. Obviously knowledge of my problems, acceptance of it and seeking treatment all help. Making amends to those I've wronged and Hurst is most beneficial. The biggie is that every single day of my life now I must be aware of my "defect" and approach each day anew in a way, so as to allow myself room to change and grow. To be able to communicate with my world in peace, not anger and emotional outbursts. It will take time for me to effect change, but it's time I want. I want to be better for me and my SO.
Time is what it takes .
I would agree 100%. He is working on all of that. He WILL become a better person and partner from this trauma.
 

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Discussion Starter · #730 · (Edited)
Good to hear.

As you move through this time of seperation and reflect of what you need and want for the future now that the landscape of your marriage has irrevocably changed, I think youll know when its time to move forward in a more set direction. I dont like hard and fast time frames. I do like the "take your time and dont rush it" sentiment.

My counsel is to wait until you hit the "zen of meh" stage where you know youll be ok with or without him as your husband & life partner. This is usually marked by greatly decreased emotional swings and anger that no longer burns white hot. Put another way, you reach a point of being semi ambivalent.

I do think you're heading there gauging by the tone of your recent posts.

Strength and healing to you Ma'am.

~ DE
DE,
I am already there and have been for some time. I know myself, and CANNOT become someone whom I am not, in order to forgive and stay with the man (CH) I thought I knew. When I realized I could no longer contort myself to even attempt reconciliation, I felt such relief—like a skank-sized weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I have been at peace ever since. I think I may also be able to forgive him at some point—as long as I am not forced to see him/live with him/be married to him any longer. I am getting closer to forgiveness…

Obviously, as I know my STBXH was reading every post, I could not inform of my detailed daily life, but I am definitely making progress and have been busy making preparations for a happier life for myself.

The anger has subsided and only returns when conversing with my CH. I also still cry sometimes—neither of which do I expect to disappear completely or any time in the near future.

I served him with divorce papers on Thursday, he signed receipt of them, and has moved back in to prevent more financial difficulties until the divorce is final. We had an initial realty consultation yesterday, and a realtor will be here on Tuesday for a photo shoot of our beautiful home as neither of us can afford it alone. I will be cleaning and decorating for the holidays one last time to stage the house for marketing purposes.

He sleeps in our college child’s room. I stay away in the evenings after work when I know he will be here. He has agreed to leave when I choose to be home.

He says he will let me go without a fight, as that is what I have requested, but even after signing the divorce petition, he asked me if there was anything he could do to change my mind. (yesterday). I have told him in so many ways that I do not want to/cannot remain married to someone who could do something like this to me (no matter what the “reason” or excuse). He was not really listening before now. I think maybe he hears me now.

We will have a 90 day mandatory waiting period and IF we come to acceptable financial terms before that time ends (which I think we can), we can divorce rather quickly. The big concern will be selling our house quickly enough and getting the asking price for which we are hoping.

Everyone,
Thank you for the support. This has been—and will continue to be—a difficult road, NOT of my choosing. I appreciate all of the kind words and self-help advice. The book suggestions have been invaluable!
 

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I would say congratulations but none of this is good reason to celebrate. People like your H make for really sad stories. By the time they begin to realize that who they are is so damaging they’ve also begun to realize they never really knew the person they’ve hurt the most. He’s now seeing the strength in you he never knew was there.

I wish you peace WW.
 

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I know how devastating it is to have your world turned upside down due to the actions of someone you love. I was positive I would never recover but in time I did and now I have a life that’s very different from the one I once had but it’s one I’m very happy with. I did forgive my exH after the divorce was final. At that point he became someone I thought I knew but obviously didn’t. It took awhile but I had finally reached the point of indifference. Hopefully, you will too.
 

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DE,
I am already there and have been for some time. I know myself, and CANNOT become someone whom I am not, in order to forgive and stay with the man (CH) I thought I knew. When I realized I could no longer contort myself to even attempt reconciliation, I felt such relief—like a skank-sized weight had been lifter from my shoulders. I have been at peace ever since. I think I may also be able to forgive him at some point—as long as I am not forced to see him/live with him/be married to him any longer. I am getting closer to forgiveness…

Obviously, as I know my STBXH was reading every post, I could not inform of my detailed daily life, but I am definitely making progress and have been busy making preparations for a happier life for myself.

The anger has subsided and only returns when conversing with my CH. I also still cry sometimes—neither of which do I expect to disappear completely or any time in the near future.

I served him with divorce papers on Thursday, he signed receipt of them, and has moved back in to prevent more financial difficulties until the divorce is final. We had an initial realty consultation yesterday, and a realtor will be here on Tuesday for a photo shoot of our beautiful home as neither of us can afford it alone. I will be cleaning and decorating for the holidays one last time to stage the house for marketing purposes.

He sleeps in our college child’s room. I stay away in the evenings after work when I know he will be here. He has agreed to leave when I choose to be home.

He says he will let me go without a fight, as that is what I have requested, but even after signing the divorce petition, he asked me if there was anything he could do to change my mind. (yesterday). I have told him in so many ways that I do not want to/cannot remain married to someone who could do something like this to me (no matter what the “reason” or excuse). He was not really listening before now. I think maybe he hears me now.

We will have a 90 day mandatory waiting period and IF we come to acceptable financial terms before that time ends (which I think we can), we can divorce rather quickly. The big concern will be selling our house quickly enough and getting the asking price for which we are hoping.

Everyone,
Thank you for the support. This has been—and will continue to be—a difficult road, NOT of my choosing. I appreciate all of the kind words and self-help advice. The book suggestions have been invaluable!
I’m teary eyed reading this, but it’s a mixture of sadness and happiness that you are working your way out of this destructive situation. You are so strong and I pray for your continued healing. And your stb ex’s healing, as well. 🙏
 

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Wishing you the best. I’m so glad you have the strength and peace of mind to do what is right for yourself and your health.

I hope you will continue to update on your story so people can read that it’s not “too late” to start over again, and in fact it can be a great blessing…Especially as women, we are viewed as being past our expiration at 30 which is simply not true. I have a feeling your story will be an awesome adventure. The world is your oyster. ♥
 

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DE,
I am already there and have been for some time. I know myself, and CANNOT become someone whom I am not, in order to forgive and stay with the man (CH) I thought I knew. When I realized I could no longer contort myself to even attempt reconciliation, I felt such relief—like a skank-sized weight had been lifter from my shoulders. I have been at peace ever since. I think I may also be able to forgive him at some point—as long as I am not forced to see him/live with him/be married to him any longer. I am getting closer to forgiveness…

Obviously, as I know my STBXH was reading every post, I could not inform of my detailed daily life, but I am definitely making progress and have been busy making preparations for a happier life for myself.

The anger has subsided and only returns when conversing with my CH. I also still cry sometimes—neither of which do I expect to disappear completely or any time in the near future.

I served him with divorce papers on Thursday, he signed receipt of them, and has moved back in to prevent more financial difficulties until the divorce is final. We had an initial realty consultation yesterday, and a realtor will be here on Tuesday for a photo shoot of our beautiful home as neither of us can afford it alone. I will be cleaning and decorating for the holidays one last time to stage the house for marketing purposes.

He sleeps in our college child’s room. I stay away in the evenings after work when I know he will be here. He has agreed to leave when I choose to be home.

He says he will let me go without a fight, as that is what I have requested, but even after signing the divorce petition, he asked me if there was anything he could do to change my mind. (yesterday). I have told him in so many ways that I do not want to/cannot remain married to someone who could do something like this to me (no matter what the “reason” or excuse). He was not really listening before now. I think maybe he hears me now.

We will have a 90 day mandatory waiting period and IF we come to acceptable financial terms before that time ends (which I think we can), we can divorce rather quickly. The big concern will be selling our house quickly enough and getting the asking price for which we are hoping.

Everyone,
Thank you for the support. This has been—and will continue to be—a difficult road, NOT of my choosing. I appreciate all of the kind words and self-help advice. The book suggestions have been invaluable!
Thank you for updating WW. I affirm you doing what is right/best for you. Harkening back to an earlier post, you are refusing a "choice" that was truly no choice at all.

As you continue move through this process, I hope youll do so as you have to date, with purpose and determination. I wish you continued healing and strength, especially through the holidays.

I hope you'll continue to update as you are able and if you start another thread in the divorce recovery forum, please let us know.

Solidarity Ma'am.
 
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