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A wound is less painful after time when it scares over, but you will always remember what caused the scar and remember the pain it caused.

He should have said something or divorced first.

My wife's was always in 1st place in my life(as it should be). After we had kids, I was moved to 4th, kids were moved to 1st, as she was trying to be supermom and pouring all of herself into them.
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Behind them remained work, them the house(she was a stickler about the house, had to be exactly right).
I was moved to back of line.

I felt forgotten and abandoned by my wife, what made it most difficult, I am one who feels loved by physical intimacy. Sex dropped to 3x month and it was damaging the emotional connection I felt to my wife.

What ever she complained about or what ever I could see she needed help with in the house, I did. I was doing over 1/2 the house work and all of the yard work. But it still did not make room for time for us. Just gave her time to relax or do another project she wanted to do.


It got to the point I was at the end of my rope and was seriously contemplating divorce, I was feeling so alone. I was finding other women attractive and I did not like that, I wanted my wife, who was always concerned with other things. But I had moral standards that would not have allowed me to commit adultery.

She could tell there was something seriously wrong(I swear that woman can read my mind) and we finally communicated and she finally understood. She had preconceived ideas about men and sex, from her serial cheating POS ex hubby) and she was applying those to me.

She changed and I quit holding in things when she did something that made me angry. I started speaking my mind. We were again both each other's priority and the kids were 2nd, as it should be in a healthy moral relationship. His moral terpitude allowed him to cheat, plain and simple.
Man, that sounds like my life for about 5 years. I volunteered for combat, I felt abandoned and did not care if I lived. When I came back...that was enough. I told her we had to be a married couple in every sense of the word. I was not going to continue to be just the local handyman and child support check. She listened and it did not change over night. But we learned the skills and became marital partners again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #703 ·
Yep I think he should have dumped my sister. He is 17 yrs her senior. She had a job where she traveled the country so that POS may not be the only one. I was livid, I would rather she had been killed in a car wreck than to be that kind of person.

I was in a dark place a few years, how could my big sister do something so vile.....I would have helped BIL dispose of POSOM if he wanted to go there. He was a co-worker of both of them.
Poor BIL, and you, too. I understand your feelings, Maybe she has changed? I will pray for her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #704 · (Edited)
How has your husband changed during this time?
He has learned to at least give me my space now. Well mostly. He does try to follow the rules I have set. He listens to me more now. He has been attending church and sounds much more at peace with himself (and family members with whom he had had strained relationships for all of his life). He is working on himself. He seems to have gotten rid of the anger, but I am leery of that being 100% true.. It feels too soon to have completely gone away and healed over in a healthy way. He believes he has remorse, but he isn’t truly there yet. He just doesn’t “get it” yet, though he has been taking steps in that direction. I guess he may need to admit to himself that he isn’t truly there yet to continue making progress and finally land in a place where he is a “safe” partner. He seems to want to put in the work, so maybe he will do all of that.
 

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He has learned to at least give me my space now. Well mostly. He does try to follow the rules I have set. He listens to me more now. He has been attending church and sounds much more at peace with himself (and family members with whom he had had strained relationships for all of his life). He is working on himself. He seems to have gotten rid of the anger, but I am leery of that being 100% true.. It feels too soon to have completely gone away and healed over in a healthy way. He believes he has remorse, but he isn’t truly there yet. He just doesn’t “get it” yet, though he has been taking steps in that direction. I guess he may need to admit to himself that he isn’t truly there yet to continue making progress and finally land in a place where he is a “safe” partner. He seems to want to put in the work, so maybe he will do all of that.
I am glad for his sake hes making some progress in your estimation. Excuse me if I missed it. Is he in IC? Has he read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?"
 

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He just doesn’t “get it” yet, though he has been taking steps in that direction.
Wounded, I think worrying about whether he "gets it" or not is not who you should be worried about. You should be focused on you getting it... which means understanding that you have more value than to be cheated on at the drop of hat and lied to about it...and that you have the ability to make it just fine without him...
 

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Discussion Starter · #708 ·
I am glad for his sake hes making some progress in your estimation. Excuse me if I missed it. Is he in IC? Has he read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?"
Yes, he is, and yes, he has. He tries to understand how I feel, and he believes he really does. I don’t think that is true, but it hasn’t deterred him from continuing to try. He is healing many of his own wounds at least.
 

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Understanding the depth of what he has done to me. He believes he is already a safe partner, but just he isn’t there yet.
If he believes he's a safe partner, when he hasn't actually repented, then you know he's not safe. He has a lot to work through. It doesn't happen overnight. He has to see how his attitudes and behaviors have hurt you over the years, culminating in this terrible betrayal. If he can't see it and make major changes in his approach to life and relationships, he will never make a good husband.
 

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If you weren't separated, I wonder if he'd be going to church, and trying to ''understand'' you. I hope you take a long enough time to really process what you want, because it takes time to really change. For anyone to really change. Your husband has spent the majority of your marriage insulting, hurting and disrespecting you. He cheated because he thought he could. He thought he could hurt you even that badly, and you'd roll over and take it like you always have.

Your husband isn't going to suddenly start treating you with respect, when he's done the opposite of that for nearly three decades. Not saying he might not be trying, but he's mainly in damage control mode and he knows that you have always been there for him. He is probably feeling lost without you, but not for the right reasons.

I don't know... This doesn't seem like a generally good man who effed up once. He has mistreated you for a long time. It will take a long time for him to really commit to change.

It's not just about him, though. You'll change in this process, you'll become stronger, and he may not like the ''new you.'' He stayed all these years, because he could treat you however he wished, and you were always there. The dynamic will forever be different between you two, because you can't unknow what he did, now. I think that will be the real test for you both, if you decide to go back with him - will your strength be something that causes problems, or will he appreciate the new you?

I hope you take my comments in the spirit that I mean them, and that is to help.
 

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It takes a very long time to be able to really change the way we behave and act. For your husband it's very early days and I doubt very much at all has changed in him as yet.
How much of what he is doing is for show to get you back it's impossible to say, but I would want to see these changes over a very long period of time before I even thought about reconciling.
He still doesn't seem to have taken full responsibility for what he did and that's troubling.
 

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He's on his best behaviour.
Our actions come from our hearts. A person can pretend for only so long before they become exhausted by the effort and give up. That is why it's important to wait before making a decision to reconcile. If the person hasn't had a change of heart, they will eventually crack and the old behaviors will return. If there is a real heart change, their behaviors will slowly improve. They will likely relapse and recover, relapse and recover, until their relapse is shorter and their recovery stronger. This is one of the ways to know if someone is truthful or not. Watch their behavior over time.
 

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Our actions come from our hearts. A person can pretend for only so long before they become exhausted by the effort and give up. That is why it's important to wait before making a decision to reconcile. If the person hasn't had a change of heart, they will eventually crack and the old behaviors will return. If there is a real heart change, their behaviors will slowly improve. They will likely relapse and recover, relapse and recover, until their relapse is shorter and their recovery stronger. This is one of the ways to know if someone is truthful or not. Watch their behavior over time.

I was going to say something similar. It's like trying to hold a big beach ball underwater, it can only be done for so long before the effort becomes to much and the old self comes crashing up through the surface.

I'm all for giving others chances and time to try to really absorb and try to comprehend the damage they've caused. That cannot be an easy thing, probably one of the hardest things to do. Was any level of humility present before? Do I believe this person has the ability to reach the level of vulnerability and humility required for this process? Most of us know our spouses well enough after 2-3 decades to answer that ourselves. But still we hope for a miracle.
 

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If he believes he's a safe partner, when he hasn't actually repented, then you know he's not safe. He has a lot to work through. It doesn't happen overnight. He has to see how his attitudes and behaviors have hurt you over the years, culminating in this terrible betrayal. If he can't see it and make major changes in his approach to life and relationships, he will never make a good husband.
Unless he has corrected all the lies in that absurd story he gave you, I would not trust him.
 

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I was going to say something similar. It's like trying to hold a big beach ball underwater, it can only be done for so long before the effort becomes to much and the old self comes crashing up through the surface.

I'm all for giving others chances and time to try to really absorb and try to comprehend the damage they've caused. That cannot be an easy thing, probably one of the hardest things to do. Was any level of humility present before? Do I believe this person has the ability to reach the level of vulnerability and humility required for this process? Most of us know our spouses well enough after 2-3 decades to answer that ourselves. But still we hope for a miracle.
The trouble is that often the 'pretending I have changed' carries on till they move back in together. The after a few weeks or months the cracks start to show.
 
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