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Discussion Starter · #241 ·
I do not believe there is any more to the story. He has not changed anything from day one. Realizing EXACTLY WHICH day it was has hurt me more, but he DID keep telling me that he didn’t remember (specific things that cell records indicated what) happened on the day that I believed. It does still make him a d***head, however, and he still didn’t even give me a thought to be able to give himself permission to have a ONS in the first place. Obviously, he has some issues to resolve in IC. I have my own appointment this evening and he has just left to begin an informal separation.

I do still love him. I have seen him returning to man I married years ago. I do believe I will miss him while we are separated, but will make plans to keep myself busy and remember who I was before all of this and before becoming stifled myself.
 

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Private, personal details about my WH while drunk had me questioning all of this from the very beginning. Stopping in mid-act is the most realistic thing of all the details I have been provided, though it would be debatable that his conscience was the determining factor—as I wish but cannot prove it was.

How would I go about doing a polygraph?
Contact your local probation/parole office. Ask to speak to the sex offender officer, they can give you information on who they use. The one for our office came out of DFW or up from Houston.
 

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Purposeful seperation can be a good thing. As you are comfortable with the parameters given all that has gone down, do you have a clear idea as to what you want to get out of this time apart? Additionally, have you given serious thought to requiring a polygraph to back up his claim(s) should you decide to consider reconciliation?
 

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Discussion Starter · #248 · (Edited)
I want some time to think on my own without any input from WH. Going to spend time with people who appreciate me and do things that I enjoy but haven’t done much of in many years.

I have thought about it. Not sure I would need it. If I do, would that say more about me than him? The R in relationship should be dead at that point. I feel screwed up enough as it is. (Did contact a PI to see if cell phone tracking could corroborate the timeline—haven’t heard back yet…same as polygraph, probably.) Will discuss at next IC. Separation was recommended at IC today, so I feel good that I came to that conclusion myself and initiated it.
 

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I want some time to think on my own without any input from WH. Going to spend time with people who appreciate me and do things that I enjoy but haven’t done much of in many years.

I have thought about it. Not sure I would need it. If I do, would that say more about me than him? The R in relationship should be dead at that point. I feel screwed up enough as it is. (Did contact a PI to see if cell phone tracking could corroborate the timeline—haven’t heard back yet…same as polygraph, probably.) Will discuss at next IC. Separation was recommended at IC today, so I feel good that I came to that conclusion myself and initiated it.
I would definitely request a lie detector test in your place. It would enable me to know if it was a once off or not. If its happened once it may have happened before plus it would enable you to know if he has told the truth about that night.
Once the trust has been shattered, verification is wise.
More info may come out before he even has the test if you make it clear that if the test shows he has been lying the marriage is over. How can you make any decisions about the future until you know the full truth?
 

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I want some time to think on my own without any input from WH. Going to spend time with people who appreciate me and do things that I enjoy but haven’t done much of in many years.

I have thought about it. Not sure I would need it. If I do, would that say more about me than him? The R in relationship should be dead at that point. I feel screwed up enough as it is. (Did contact a PI to see if cell phone tracking could corroborate the timeline—haven’t heard back yet…same as polygraph, probably.) Will discuss at next IC. Separation was recommended at IC today, so I feel good that I came to that conclusion myself and initiated it.
Getting some space to think without the constant triggers of being around him physically is completely understandable and a good thing. I hope it is a positive and productive time for you that will help you on your quest for clarity.

As to the poly, I want to try and reframe that discussion. Polys are used for the same reason, to get more clarity. To verify claims and, many times, learn more about events than you did before, i.e., "Was this the only time you had sexual relations (pre-defined) with someone other than your wife during marriage Y/N?"

"If I do, would that say more about me than him? The R in relationship should be dead at that point."

This confuses me. How would a poly say anything different about you, one way or the other, than, say, seperation? All it says about you is that you are on a quest for truth and clarity from your spouse who has shattered your trust and whose basis of truth is massively compromised. That, if you do consider R, you need to know, to the best of your ability, just who you are considering reconciling with? This is not specific to you, this is why many Betrayeds use that tool. It is for them and truly remorseful CSs understand and respect that. The R would not be dead because of a poly IMO, R would be made possible, in part, because of a passed poly.

"I feel screwed up enough as it is."

I know you do. I understand all too well that feeling, as do all of the Betrayeds on this thread. It is gutting, confusing and exhausting and it doesnt go away for a long time. Maybe keep the poly question open until youve had some time apart to think and reflect.

One day at a time.
 
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Discussion Starter · #255 ·
Having a tough time. Still pretty angry sometimes and maybe even developing a sense of numbness towards everything. I am not sure if I am actually dealing with any of this or just putting it in a box to deal with later.

How do you know if you are making progress on yourself?
 

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How/where do I find these stories? There really haven’t been any consequences for him. I have basically shut down. I think I am in the “depression” portion of the acceptance process now. I am a fixer, too, and a nurturer, so I find myself comforting him!!! (To his credit, he tells me not to worry about his feelings—his do not matter now…only mine.)

He has now read the book (we both have) and was already doing basically everything in it to help me heal, by his own instincts, before he even read it. He does care, but it is so hard to believe that he loves me or ever did.

Reality is hitting me HARD. How little he cared for me to be able to do this. How selfish he is and has been for most of our marriage.

I am just so, so, horribly, horribly sad.

I am certain I will never be able to forget, and I do NOT think I will EVER be able to forgive this. I am not sure what that means for me moving forward.
When the sadness becomes worse than the thought of the unknown, you’ll leave. And, not a moment sooner. Everyone’s rock bottom is different, but I think you’re getting there. Don’t let someone devalue you.
 

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Having a tough time. Still pretty angry sometimes and maybe even developing a sense of numbness towards everything. I am not sure if I am actually dealing with any of this or just putting it in a box to deal with later.

How do you know if you are making progress on yourself?
I don’t think it’s about “progress”. In my opinion you have the time to hear your own thoughts now, feel your own emotions without the other person influencing that. You’re trying to gain the ability to think clearly and get some perspective.

What did your counselor say? Usually they give you some things to think about, something to read up on, or something to work on.
 

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This is a process and your feelings are normal.

Separation is the only way to go. Any reconciliation with your hb gaslighting, pressuring, and bullshitting you will not be healthy.

You deciding on your own that you don't need him but he's a good candidate for reconciliation could be healthy. Assuming of course you ultimately want him back.

That's the position of strength you need to be in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #259 · (Edited)
I don’t think it’s about “progress”. In my opinion you have the time to hear your own thoughts now, feel your own emotions without the other person influencing that. You’re trying to gain the ability to think clearly and get some perspective.

What did your counselor say? Usually they give you some things to think about, something to read up on, or something to work on.
My counselor told me to do the things that I used to do and should still enjoy, with my people…(close family and friends). Take time to get back to the core of who I really am and to try to avoid triggers…I do try, but they are literally F***ing EVERYWHERE!

I believe I still love him and always will, but I just don’t know if I can survive this. He treats me better now than he ever really did, but I almost feel like it is too little, too late. I am the same f***ing person as I was before his ONS, but NOW he wants to have a wonderful marriage? When at the same time I am questioning whether we SHOILD even be together? Is that what I really want? I don’t know, but I am not sure I can accept this shyte sandwich. I REALLY don’t think I can forgive this. It is too big, too much of an ask, and I really CANNOT see a way to reassemble my heart. How can you even possibly R with someone who has INTENTIONALLY crushed your soul? I keep trying, but I am really having a hard time even envisioning that. Even as co-dependent as I have become, I just cannot imagine trusting my WH with my heart again.

I also think he forgot who I am. By confessing, I think he had way too much confidence in me eventually forgiving him than I believe I am truly capable of…He forgot that I am one very jealous b****, and GIVING AWAY what was MINE is just not acceptable to me. Period. I respected our vows and expected the same from him.

I am just so, so crushed.
 

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My counselor told me to do the things that I used to do and should still enjoy, with my people…(close family and friends). Take time to get back to the core of who I really am and to try to avoid triggers…I do try, but they are literally F***ing EVERYWHERE!

I believe I still love him and always will, but I just don’t know if I can survive this. He treats me better now than he ever really did, but I almost feel like it is too little, too late. I am the same f***ing person as I was before his ONS, but NOW he wants to have a wonderful marriage? When at the same time I am questioning whether we SHOILD even be together? Is that what I really want? I don’t know, but I am not sure I can accept this shyte sandwich. I REALLY don’t think I can forgive this. It is too big, too much of an ask, and I really CANNOT see a way to reassemble my heart. How can you even possibly R with someone who has INTENTIONALLY crushed your soul? I keep trying, but I am really having a hard time even envisioning that. Even as co-dependent as I have become, I just cannot imagine trusting my WH with my heart again.

I am just so, so crushed.
I understand. Fully. Those are valid and reasonable concerns. I think it a rare person that can ever get through that and accept that level of risk with a person who has betrayed them before. But this is only something you can answer, and you really have to strip away the pain and fear to listen to what you know is right for you. It’s not easy to do, especially as a codependent person. I also understand this difficulty.

It sounds as though your counselor wants you to experience your life in a more authentic way, and not wrapped around your husband. It would make sense if they also believe you to be codependent. Regardless of what you choose to do, that seems like something you really need to resolve in order to move forward from a place of strength.

It would be strange if you weren’t crushed. You are a person that loved deeply and fully, and that is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, your husband took that for granted and betrayed you. But that doesn’t take away the value of what you gave, it just makes him an idiot. And yes it‘s agonizing when that love is abused and broken. I’m sorry for that.
 
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