@Woundidwife I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you have such a loser husband.My husband admitted to a ONS very recently. He has, until this, been the most honest, reliable and trustworthy man I have ever known. I have known about it for about 3 weeks (of PTSD Hell: intrusive thoughts, nightmares, paranoia, insomnia, diarrhea, etc.), and I do not even know how to begin process this situation.
We were married very young (I was 18 and he was 19). I have never had sex with another person. He had several partners before we were married and now this random stranger. I thought we were married “happily enough”, but if I had a good enough reason to leave, I could leave him…and the one he provided me was a doozy.
The circumstances are seriously UNBELIEVABLE:
Two days before our 27th wedding anniversary, I was out of town for work. He was upset with me on a bedtime phone call, so he drove the 20 minutes into town to a bar at about 10:30pm, where as TOGETHER, we normally LEAVE places to be HOME by 10:00pm, because he always has to get up early for work the next day. According to him, he was drunk before he even left for the bar. He claims that he “didn’t know that purchasing drinks for this woman meant that he wanted to sleep with her”. He also “didn’t realize” that she was interested in sex until he said he was leaving and she asked if he wanted to go somewhere. He asked what she meant (yeah right!) and she had already been rubbing his inner thigh, but now touched his junk and told him he knew what she meant. He then said that he knew of a place and told her to follow him! Then they both drove 10 minutes away from the bar, where they had UNPROTECTED sex in her car in a deserted parking lot.
He told me all of this A MONTH AFTER it happened. (The timing was suspicious, but he says it had been eating him up all month and he “never found a good time to tell me”. I had suddenly been experiencing something like the WORST yeast infection of my life that I couldn’t shake...We have since both been tested—all clear—a month AFTER THE FACT. He tested BEFORE he told me so that he “would have all the answers for my questions when he told me, which means everyone in our doctor’s office knew before I did, and before I was tested!!!)
I did leave him the day he told me. I stayed with a relative for 3 days. I returned home on the premise that he agreed to leave. He has been agreeable. Because of his efforts, I allowed him to stay and though I am abusing him often with my angry words, it is also nice to let him hold me from time to time. This is messing with my head though. The one who ran my heart through a meat-grinder is the same one comforting me. (Is that screwed up or what?!)
There is no way to find this woman and I am severely angry and obsessed. He makes no excuses, says he has no idea why he did this, and that it has nothing to do with me. (Pretty hard to believe in light of the circumstances.) He is remorseful and just wants me to heal and return to our now “better than before” relationship.
I am just not sure what I really want or whether I can forgive this at all. As I said, I have never had sex with anyone else and have always been curious, but have not acted on my curiosity. He says the sex was meaningless (which makes no sense if the same act is supposedly meaningful with me). I almost feel that if I TRY to have “meaningless sex” with another man and CANNOT go through with it, (which I don’t think I even could), that means he is the most despicable pig on the planet to have been able to do that to me, and I should just leave him even though he really is trying to make amends. If I COULD go through with it, that might mean that it is just human nature and that I could forgive him. He had given me his blessing, but fears that I will find that the grass TRULY IS greener on the other side, which I doubt. I think I the experiment would only teach me that I probably cannot and should not forgive him.
We are already in counseling, both together and separately.
I am thinking a short, scheduled separation might remind me of the person I used to be before all of this and what I now am beginning to see was our depressing marriage.
Unfortunately, I feel like I don’t really have a choice but to forgive him. I don’t know any other life, and maybe the grass is worse on the other side, but I never had the chance to even sample it, so I wouldn’t know if I am missing anything or if I already have the best option for me—despite his horrible and DEBILITATING betrayal. I do believe that because of my COMPLETE DEVASTATION I do still love him; but if I want to stay with him, is it because I do still love him and WANT to be with him or because I DON’T KNOW HOW to live without him? How will I even know? I do not think I can make an informed decision. I am not even sure I CAN forgive this!!!!!
Seperation is a reasonable for a betrayed spouse because you need to put a buffer between your attacker and you so that you can think clearly. You need quiet space to process and deal with your hurt. It may indeed aid in killing your marriage, but it will also aid in showing you loser husband that what he did was serious and has serious consequences.
Its his job to help you heal, it’s not your job to “get over it”. If he’s not doing that then he gets the boot. Start with that (getting the boot) and then you're in the driver’s seat.
See a lawyer and file for divorce. Seperate. Then let’s see if he’s serious.