Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 18 of 20 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
My husband admitted to a ONS very recently. He has, until this, been the most honest, reliable and trustworthy man I have ever known. I have known about it for about 3 weeks (of PTSD Hell: intrusive thoughts, nightmares, paranoia, insomnia, diarrhea, etc.), and I do not even know how to begin process this situation.

We were married very young (I was 18 and he was 19). I have never had sex with another person. He had several partners before we were married and now this random stranger. I thought we were married “happily enough”, but if I had a good enough reason to leave, I could leave him…and the one he provided me was a doozy.

The circumstances are seriously UNBELIEVABLE:
Two days before our 27th wedding anniversary, I was out of town for work. He was upset with me on a bedtime phone call, so he drove the 20 minutes into town to a bar at about 10:30pm, where as TOGETHER, we normally LEAVE places to be HOME by 10:00pm, because he always has to get up early for work the next day. According to him, he was drunk before he even left for the bar. He claims that he “didn’t know that purchasing drinks for this woman meant that he wanted to sleep with her”. He also “didn’t realize” that she was interested in sex until he said he was leaving and she asked if he wanted to go somewhere. He asked what she meant (yeah right!) and she had already been rubbing his inner thigh, but now touched his junk and told him he knew what she meant. He then said that he knew of a place and told her to follow him! Then they both drove 10 minutes away from the bar, where they had UNPROTECTED sex in her car in a deserted parking lot.

He told me all of this A MONTH AFTER it happened. (The timing was suspicious, but he says it had been eating him up all month and he “never found a good time to tell me”. I had suddenly been experiencing something like the WORST yeast infection of my life that I couldn’t shake...We have since both been tested—all clear—a month AFTER THE FACT. He tested BEFORE he told me so that he “would have all the answers for my questions when he told me, which means everyone in our doctor’s office knew before I did, and before I was tested!!!)

I did leave him the day he told me. I stayed with a relative for 3 days. I returned home on the premise that he agreed to leave. He has been agreeable. Because of his efforts, I allowed him to stay and though I am abusing him often with my angry words, it is also nice to let him hold me from time to time. This is messing with my head though. The one who ran my heart through a meat-grinder is the same one comforting me. (Is that screwed up or what?!)

There is no way to find this woman and I am severely angry and obsessed. He makes no excuses, says he has no idea why he did this, and that it has nothing to do with me. (Pretty hard to believe in light of the circumstances.) He is remorseful and just wants me to heal and return to our now “better than before” relationship.

I am just not sure what I really want or whether I can forgive this at all. As I said, I have never had sex with anyone else and have always been curious, but have not acted on my curiosity. He says the sex was meaningless (which makes no sense if the same act is supposedly meaningful with me). I almost feel that if I TRY to have “meaningless sex” with another man and CANNOT go through with it, (which I don’t think I even could), that means he is the most despicable pig on the planet to have been able to do that to me, and I should just leave him even though he really is trying to make amends. If I COULD go through with it, that might mean that it is just human nature and that I could forgive him. He had given me his blessing, but fears that I will find that the grass TRULY IS greener on the other side, which I doubt. I think I the experiment would only teach me that I probably cannot and should not forgive him.

We are already in counseling, both together and separately.

I am thinking a short, scheduled separation might remind me of the person I used to be before all of this and what I now am beginning to see was our depressing marriage.

Unfortunately, I feel like I don’t really have a choice but to forgive him. I don’t know any other life, and maybe the grass is worse on the other side, but I never had the chance to even sample it, so I wouldn’t know if I am missing anything or if I already have the best option for me—despite his horrible and DEBILITATING betrayal. I do believe that because of my COMPLETE DEVASTATION I do still love him; but if I want to stay with him, is it because I do still love him and WANT to be with him or because I DON’T KNOW HOW to live without him? How will I even know? I do not think I can make an informed decision. I am not even sure I CAN forgive this!!!!!

Any advice?
@Woundidwife I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you have such a loser husband.

Seperation is a reasonable for a betrayed spouse because you need to put a buffer between your attacker and you so that you can think clearly. You need quiet space to process and deal with your hurt. It may indeed aid in killing your marriage, but it will also aid in showing you loser husband that what he did was serious and has serious consequences.

Its his job to help you heal, it’s not your job to “get over it”. If he’s not doing that then he gets the boot. Start with that (getting the boot) and then you're in the driver’s seat.

See a lawyer and file for divorce. Seperate. Then let’s see if he’s serious.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
I really don’t think it has happened before, but this whole situation seems so extreme, so deliberate and intentional that I am really struggling…
Yeah, sorry OP there's a bit of a personality clash going on over this specific point.

But you do have to consider that this might not be his first time. Everything right now is suspect as you are aware. Don't believe what he says unless you can verify it. At least don't take things as the full truth. I think that's the point here, guard yourself. This could get worse.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
Which one? Is it the woman?!
or did my husband post something? Please direct me to the thread!!
It's not your husband, it's a woman who did the ONS and the husband was blindsided and hurt over it. The similarities are the completely out-of-the-blue behavior of the wayward. Both wayward's confessed, and both betrayed spouses are struggling with what to believe and not believe.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
Thank you all for the support and the thread link!
Keep posting here, even if just to vent. We’ve all been there. Despite differing opinions and ideas, we’re all here to help. Just filter out the noise and I promise we will help you through this.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
He didn’t approach her. She sat next to him. Very closely, and then chipped away at what little defense he apparently had.
Be careful with believing him on these points. He intentionally left the house late at night and went to a bar for a reason. And now in the aftermath he was somehow the victim? I'm a guy and I don't buy it. It doesn't work like that. What was the woman's motivation, just to get laid? Hmmm. Unless your husband’s name is Leonardo Dicaprio then I am calling BS.

This matters because if he is lying to you about these details then he is not truly ready to reconcile and you are at risk for future reoccurances. If he is lying about these details, then in the back of his mind he knows he can shape a story that lets him get away with it. You get mad sure, maybe add some rules that he can “forget” when he wants, but that's all that happens.

Don't let a BS story fly.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
How long did it take you to come to that conclusion?
Finding your own self worth is a long process in my opinion. But, as they say, a long journey begins with the first step.

At the beginning of my journey I felt like a fake. Kind of like I was “entitled” or “better than”. That was just negative self-talk and my own insecurity. Eventually that fades and you start to see the truth without having to mentally force yourself.

Take that first step and decide that you are worth it. That you deserve better treatment and anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect will not be in your life. Then terminate any and all relationships that violate that boundary. That won’t be fun or easy, but it is necessary.

Best of luck to you.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
He has alluded to the fact that I may be pushing him away (whether he believes it is intentional or not). It is not. I am just REALLY F-ING ANGRY, and of course, I have every right to be. I have no idea how long I will feel this way. I didn’t COOSE any of this, and I am reading every self help book under the sun—following even the seemingly strangest suggestions—very interesting and most helpful book Megaforce, thank you!—for how to begin my own healing and be comfortable in my own skin again, with only me to rely on. If I can help it, I will never feel that I NEED another person again. I should be all that I need to be happy and anything else is a bonus. Clearly, though, I have to heal myself BEFORE I can even truly consider forgiveness. My head is just not there yet
I see you fighting very hard to force yourself to change, to deal with this, to get to a place of R with your wayward. And I applaud your efforts to do that. A spouse that will fight so hard, even through the bitterness and anger, is a real treasure.

But I have to ask. Is he fighting just as hard as you are to save your marriage? I don’t get the sense that he is. Why not?

If you are ever going to be able to R, then HE needs to step up to the plate and help you heal. He is the one that needs to change, not you. You do not have to “get over it”. He needs to carry you. He needs to nurture every single thing in you that needs it, and take any bit of anger that you have.

He needs to be moving heaven and earth to save your marriage.

Take for example this trip you have. He should be planning to send you texts every moment of the day, selfies of where he’s at and what he’s doing, phone calls, FaceTimes, location info from his phone…all the things (and more) that you would need to have confidence in him. And it should be his idea to do that to help you.

I just hate to see all your pain and anger and fighting spirit all trying so hard to move the needle toward R when he’s just taking out the trash and doing dishes. :(

And oh, he’s not banging a skank either so there’s that effort we don’t want to forget. /s
:rolleyes:
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
So much for the rage. I was thinking about the event ms…. He wanted her. He actually asked/told this woman to follow him and then followed through on his plan. How could he do that to me?!

Looks like today I will be blubbering instead. Good thing I have IC this evening, but I am going to ask for a referral. I need someone who is looking out for ME.
Blubbering is ok for self-care, but get ahold of that and don’t let it consume your day.

For what it’s worth I think you’re handling this whole **** situation like a champ. Infidelity destroys lives, and grief is expected. There’s no right or wrong way to process it, you just have to be you and work through it.

So have a good cry at the loss of something you loved. Then dust yourself off and take the next step forward.

I hope the best for you WW.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
I agree with what you have said here. I have said the same thing. We would need to start completely over from BELOW ZERO.
A suggestion for how “below zero” could look.

Really, the WS should be moving heaven and earth to do what is required to keep you. Including letting you go for a bit.

I have read stories (so not my personal experience) where the BS moved forward with a divorce because the pain of the current marriage was too high. An amicable divorce, and the WS gave control of nearly everything to the BS. Once complete, you start over with a dating relationship. And then you’re in the drivers seat about how that relationship goes. If you get any red flags or his remorse if fleeting, then you can move on. If you don't, perhaps you can marry again.

And it would be a brand new marriage, which is what you need.

The downside is the cost of filing and mediation, which isn't too bad if everything is amicable (depending on your state). And depending on how your finances are set up, splitting them might be a pain in the butt. But maybe it's worth it?

The thing I like most about this is that it sends a clear message. “Cheating on me comes with consequences”.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
I have said as much to him. That our marriage is over, that divorce would be inevitable, that I would want to start over with SOMEONE, and that it might not necessarily be him. Although he was at one time, he is no longer my “plan A” and not even necessarily “plan B”. I would want to at least give myself a chance to be happy with someone who has never betrayed me. If that fails, MAYBE I would eventually come back to him. His stance on that was this: “If you do that, you are looking for love, and I have love for you right here, so we would be done”. So be it. Yes, I WOULD be looking for love, and I have already seen what his love looks like. 27 years of controlling me, with a sprinkle of infidelity, and a handful of pretty promises for a wonderful future. Tempting? Not so much.
Good for you. Understand what you need and settle for nothing less.
Your self-esteem will thank you later.

I think you've got the right plan in mind here. It becomes his job to prove his worth, if he even can. You deserve a new relationship with someone that treats you right from the get go. And now you better recognize the red flags in a relationship and your own personality (letting someone treat you poorly and not seeing it)

Well done. Take charge of your life.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
I have been TRYING, and that is all I could tell him. I am battling with myself. My sticking point/ issue is that I am not sure I could live with the version of me who could actually forgive, stay, and reconcile. This is a war within my own psyche and it is not fun. I hate every minute of it!

From what I have read, I do believe he is having regret but not real remorse. He is not safe for anyone yet—of that much, I am positive.
In my humble opinion, I think your mindset should be set on divorce and he should be moving heaven and earth to help you heal, and help you move to a place that might be something-other-than-divorce. If he isn't doing all of that, he's not ready for R.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
Thank you. It has been a day of strategic avoidance. (He has moved back in to “save money” that will be needed for the divorce.) Every day is strategic avoidance. I try not to be home when I know he will be. It has been difficult and apparently cohabitating again is way more uncomfortable for me than for him. I am looking for a temporary place to live.

The next few days will be much harder, when our grown children and SOs will be there, and we will all be in the same place at the same time.
I’m really sorry you have to walk this terrible path, but if I can say… you are handling this like as well as I’ve seen. The emotional spikes make you want to scream and cry and tear down everything around you… but you held it in check and you’re in control. And you settle down and think rationally and your decisions are perfect. Well done. As crappy as it feels to be you right now, your strength is to be admired. You’re doing great WW.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
Better news: I THINK he will leave me alone now and may even be dating! Fingers crossed that he will become happy without me in his life.
Well, that didn't take long! Dating? Really? What a loser, triple confirmed.

I'm glad you're safe WW, that update sounded pretty scary for a minute.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
It WAS VERY SCARY for a minute there, and I have been ENCOURAGING him to date. My hope was to train his focus on someone else rather than his obsession with me.
Encouraging him to date is great for you and I'm glad for the relief it provides you. But he's still an ass for doing it.
:mad:
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
So I am trying to move from my current temporary place to get a different (less distance from my job and more convenient parking) temporary place to stay. I have exhausted ALL of my known and scavenged landlord resources and began calling last resort folks—one of them being what I THOUGHT was a mutual friend. So, earlier in the day on Tuesday, I texted and called the “friend”. Well, it turns out, I guess this person is not a mutual friend as much as my husband’s friend, because right before dinner, MY CALL was returned to my STBX. So no dice there either. I lost my sh!t on my STBX, blaming him for everything in the world—which I am in the habit of doing—with both of my children and a SO present. I almost left to cool down right as dinner was to be served. It was not my best moment. One of my grown children had to talk me down and hug the crazy out of me.

The older of my kids and SO were here for only a limited time… My older child and SO have had two very happy life-announcements for us recently—the last of which came AFTER that dinner. We all are very excited and happy, however, these things also serve to make me sad and even more angry at my STBX (didn’t think that was even possible!) because the future of my life is going to look very different from the way I had always imagined it. My grown child and and SO were worried about telling us these things (because we are not always civil with one another and often arguing) to the point that they considered postponing telling us about their happy announcements. 😔🥲

That grown child and SO left already and our other grown child and I remain here at our house with STBX. (No choice at the moment.) I am/have been enjoying spending time with my child(ren), but the time with the STBX and his access to me is just unbearable sometimes. Today, we paid our mutual bills (house has not sold yet! 😔). He asked me about MY plans for MY vehicle and MY future home finances and tried to “offer his [UNSOLICITED] opinion”. Well, that set me off again. After yelling at him yet again, I wanted to leave—to go back to my safe space, BUT I CAN’T! We have had a beautiful ice storm here. My car was encased, followed by a wind storm and the temperature dropping well below zero and now I can’t even thaw it enough to get my doors open to start the [email protected] thing! The good news is that I was angry enough and serious enough about leaving (stomping out to my car) that he got the point and offered to and did leave for the evening—not to return until he goes to bed. (His vehicle was already thawed as he had driven to work earlier.) I have also been stress eating and have likely put on some serious weight. Yay for me.

Not gonna lie. This. Is. Hard.
Well that all sucks.. Except for the life-announcements of course. Congratulations on those!

But, unfortunately, it's par for the course. The cost of infidelity is enormous. And this time of year it’s multiplied 10 fold.

I think it's great that you are expressing your anger. I'd much rather hear that than to hear how much its eating you and you're being a church mouse about it. Expressing your anger and getting it out is healthy even if it feels like crap later. And even if it's not always the best timing.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You’re doing great. I know it doesn't always feel that way, but you are. You’re tough as nails and it’s clear. Get your place set up and focus on the new normal...you will be just fine.

Merry Christmas WW.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,050 Posts
The rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows constantly runs. No triggers needed. The triggers are the extra cliffs we get to walk blindly off of.

It will get better. You did the right thing, cry when you need too. Lean on others when you need too. Forcing yourself to ignore it will only prolong that rollercoaster.
 
1 - 18 of 20 Posts
Top