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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
I am very active in raising my son. He is an absolute pleasure to be around. I do a fair bit around the house, and so does she. I don't think she realizes how much I actually do. She tunnels on her list, and thinks I'm lazing around.
 

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You could be talking about my STBXW. Looking back once she got her son, she no longer wanted or needed me.

Then she fell out of love with me. Then she resented me, rejected me, and said things to me that can never be unsaid.

Finally after 2+ years of sexless marriage, 2 EA's with the second being the exit affair, she walked.

A sexless, affectionless marriage is a bad place. I'm 6 months separated and life is getting better. She is no longer my wife or friend. She is only my son's mother.

One day at a time.
 

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@frakes:

It really comes down to one thing. You have demonstrated through your actions that you are okay with this. Your words have told her no, but when it comes right down to it, actions (as we all know) mean much more.

Are you prepared to put your foot down? Are you prepared to really understand her criticism? Are you prepared to risk the marriage to make it better?

How you answer those questions will determine a lot of what you need to do.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
 

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Sounds like my husband. I have been asking him to show me some affection outside the bedroom for years. While talking about it today he said it's the first he heard of this. He's been detached from his emotions for years . I'm beginning to suspect that he really just don't care. I can't imagine that it's so hard to hug, kiss, hold hands and be around someone if you care for them. That's the thing if you really care.

He told me that I focus on the relationship too much.
 
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Wow, you could also be writing about my STBXW as well, the similarities in so many of these stories is eerie!

My wife actually crossed the line into physical abuse early on, everything else you've said, I've lived. The loneliness was one of the worst, how awful to lay in bed feeling such despair, when your supposedly loving spouse is just a touch away. A touch that never comes, then resentment builds.

It obviously hurts so bad, but you must come to realize that you are in an extremely abusive relationship. Mental abuse is no joke and it likely won't get any better without a lot of hard work from both of you. My STBXW didn't put anything into it and never wanted counseling. The silver lining in my story is that she cheated, the cycle of abuse was finally broken and now I get to rediscover myself after a failed 28 year relationship. Do something now or you could end up like me, older and less options, wake up and smell the coffee!
 

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My husband is the same way. Complete lack of affection when I am starving for even a drop of affection from him. It really sucks. It's been going on for a few years. I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm at my wits end and don't think I can go on like this any longer. I know your pain. We live like roommates and I see couples around me that seem so happy and I can't figure out why I can't have that. I don't really have great advice accept to say you're not alone and I know how painful it is. Sorry you're going through this.
 

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Frakes, you just described my wife. She wasn't overly affectionate before the kids, but she was sexual and she didn't complain or criticize much. But after the first baby was born, whammo! Just like you describe, complaining about all kinds of ridiculous things. Every day. I didn't know what it would be, but it would be something. And the sex went to absolute zero as soon as she found out she was pregnant.

Many many years later I finally got the info which put the entire puzzle together. She had been sexually abused as a young child. So when she had a baby, and in this case it was a female baby, she went into ultra momma bear mode. And I, as an adult male, became the enemy at least subconsciously and emotionally from her perspective.

Your wife may have a history of sex abuse or assault. Even if she denies it, which my wife did several times, she may still have such a history.

REgardless, you are experiencing unacceptable behavior from her. Never tolerate unacceptable behavior. Never make excuses for her. She has no right to abuse you, which is what she is doing. I would insist on marriage counseling and I would tell her this behavior is not acceptable.
 

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I completely agree with the stopping the heavy lifting, stop acting interested in her because frankly you shouldn't be interested in her, she sounds horrible to be married to. Stop hugging her, stop telling her you love her all the time, stop dancing to her tune.

She needs to make major changes, don't start to give until she starts to give.
 

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I'm going to jump in with, "that's my H" as well. Several reasons things can be this way. My H's reason is just that he doesn't give a crap. So long as he's happy....everything's fine. Doesn't matter if everyone else around him is miserable. No real advice unless she is willing to go to counseling. If not, you can't force her. You can't make her talk. You CAN tell her you won't put up with it though and be willing to leave the marriage to prove it. Outside of that, you can leave.
 

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Your wife sounds depressed to me. It sounds like you guys are in a slump. Do you find time together by your selves? It's so important to connect and laugh and enjoy each other's company. You guys need to date again. Is she open to communication? Is she happy with the marriage!
 

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Six Things to Know About Sexual Refusal - The Forgiven Wife

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", The 5 Love Languages, take a hard look at yourself, change anything you see in yourself that needs improvement.

Then, unfortunately, you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.
Have a serious talk that the marriage cannot succeed in it's current trajectory.
 

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Frakes,

OK. Time for an action plan. From the sound of it, you're not afraid of some work. You'd be willing to tolerate the situation getting worse in the short term to get the marriage you deserve in the long run.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Tell your wife that you're not happy with a sexless marriage. (That's less than 10x per year, in case she argues.) You want a wife that returns your affections, not a baby-momma roommate.

2. Tell her that you are going to a marriage counselor. Tell her that she is welcome to go with you, but you're going either way. (Book a session with a counselor.)

3. Tell her you are going to start working on improving yourself. Admit your shortcomings and tell her what you're going to do to improve.

4. Tell her that you and she are going to have a family meeting every day. You'll make a list together on what needs to be done that day and who will do it. (That way you're working from an agreed-upon list. Eliminates her telling what to do from her list.) If she refuses to participate, make your own to-do list and get it done by the next meeting.

5. Start giving your wife compliments and show appreciation for what she does well. Do it many times a day. Show her affection, even if it isn't well received. You need to lead the way by showing her the right behavior.

6. Whenever she has a legitimate complaint about your behavior, own it and fix it. When she nitpicks, tell her, "For marriage to work, we need to say 4 nice things to each other for every complaint. Is THIS issue worth 4 compliments to you?" It points out the imbalance in her conduct and sends the signal that her behavior is affecting the marriage.

7. Don't act like her servant. She can get her own drink from the fridge (unless you're already standing at the fridge.) She can get her own snacks from the store (unless you're already headed there.) Anything she expects you to do can be discussed at the family meeting.

8. If she goes into screaming mode or starts a complain-a-thon, listen quietly until she stops. Then ask, "Are you done, or is there more?" Listen quietly again until she stops, and ask again "Are you done or is there more?" When she says she's done or insists that you respond, tell her calmly, "You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take some time and process it so I don't react emotionally." If she demands more from you, just repeat those last two sentences.

Hope this helps!
Max Lorenz
HusbandPower.com
 

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If and if you can find a good MC that would be the place to start.
Can we at least change this non-advice to something like "get her to the point that she WANTS TO GO to marriage counseling". We all have known about marriage counseling since we were 12. What they DON'T know is that both spouses need to WANT to go. Actually, this non-advice is BAD non-advice.
 

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My god. I'm only through half of the second page and I already need two hands to count all of the "OMG! That's just like me/my spouse"!!!

And we're still not dealing with this pandemic the way we should. NOBODY is connecting the dots. Except me.

She.
Is.
Gone.

It's a CLEAR pattern. And nobody gets it.
 

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I'm going to suggest marriage counseling as well.

The major problem here is that the OP married his spouse knowing full well that communication, sex, etc. were not her "strong" suits. Once again, these things don't tend to improve after marriage. Throw a baby into the mix, and her focus will be primarily on the child.

OP, your best bet will be to insist on counseling. Please don't ignore her or engage in other immature behaviors that have been suggested here.

You need to let her know that this isn't a tolerable situation for you and there needs to be change.

Good luck.
 

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Frakes: As someone mentioned earlier. Read "No more Mr. Nice guy" by Robert Glover. Or listen to it on audible or iTunes. For all the other men here who say their marriage is just like yours, they need to read this book too. This is just the first part. To me, this book is the first step. I can recommend higher level material. Just read this book. You won't believe how you relate to it.

What has basically happened is your wife has lost respect for you. She did not do this on purpose. It happened over many years. She does still love you and she loves your child as well. She is not depressed. You also do not need counseling. You need to be a man. You probably think " I am a good husband", " I help out with the kids and the house and the finances etc". Why does she treat me like this?

It is counter intuitive. You think you are being a nice guy and that is the problem. The solution is not to do the opposite and be a complete jerk. That will drive her away. But being a good husband is driving her away too. I have been there. From what I see, many responders are there now. In fact, most relationships are there too. Once you become more involved in this process, you will see marriages like this all the time. You will go out to dinner and just tell that the couple or family next to you is in the same boat. You hear the wife and you can just tell.

We can get more involved in this as time goes on. "No more Mr. Nice guy" is the first step. It is a baby step. This will open your eyes. Eventually you need to become a leader. Take care of your needs. Stop being such a nice guy. Not in a bad way or a jerk way. It takes time. A lot of time, because you have ingrained beliefs that will take a very long time to change. You have also been a nice guy for your whole marriage and this will take a lot of time to change. But it can be done. Small steps. You will start to notice small behavior changes in your wife. You will eventually become a person she respects. She will start flirting with you. Not on purpose though. As you advance in this, you will be obliging her need for great sex. You won't be having sex with her but obliging her need for great sex. A big difference.
This is more advanced stuff but you will get there. But it doesn't happen over night. I have been where you are. Read Dr. Glovers book.

Welcome to the journey. It is amazing how your wife will respond to you as you grow as a leader in and out of the bedroom.
 
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