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Divorce sends a shock wave, seperation she will like because it just gets you away for awhile she thinks. Divorce can be stopped at anytime,just le ther know when it would be final.
time to do the 180:

This 180 list may help.
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For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #43 · (Edited)
[UPDATE]

She sent me a message saying she will look into getting a job working nights so we can save up for a car for her and we can share watching the boys.

She is sticking with her decision.

*EDIT She just sent me this:

"I'm honestly quite stunned you are done...."
 

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[UPDATE]

She sent me a message saying she will look into getting a job working nights so we can save up for a car for her and we can share watching the boys.

She is sticking with her decision.

*EDIT She just sent me this:

"I'm honestly quite stunned you are done...."
I would answer something like this:

And I'm broken hearted you fell in love with another man and picked him over your family.
 

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I would answer something like this:

And I'm broken hearted you fell in love with another man and picked him over your family.
:iagree::iagree:

She thinks this is no big deal. She thinks she can have this "friend" despite her husband's wishes. SHE IS MAKING THIS CHOICE, NOT YOU!!!

The nerve of people. Makes me want to punch something. Seriously.
 

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[UPDATE]

She sent me a message saying she will look into getting a job working nights so we can save up for a car for her and we can share watching the boys.

She is sticking with her decision.

*EDIT She just sent me this:

"I'm honestly quite stunned you are done...."
It's pretty unlikely that the OM is gay. Or even bisexual. Have you looked on his Facebook page to see who his friends are, or what he posted as his relationship status?

Your wife is stunned because she liked having her cake and eating it, too. You've upset the apple cart and now she has to figure out a different game plan.

I think you should file for divorce. That may shock her awake. If it doesn't, at least you've protected yourself.
 

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Frankly, this level of deception and cruelty would be a deal breaker for me. I would file and never look back. He has pulled the hard line stance and she didn't budge. This is either because she thinks he'll cave in, or that she doesn't care. Neither of which are acceptable outcomes. Drop her like a pile of manure from a dump truck.
 

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Maybe she means she's stunned she picked the Other man. Are you staying somewhere else.

Make sure she knows your sons will know why you are divorcing.

Hopefully she is bluffing.
 

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Maybe she means she's stunned she picked the Other man. Are you staying somewhere else.

Make sure she knows your sons will know why you are divorcing.

Hopefully she is bluffing.
Eli, you can't really think this is what she might mean. It's pretty dang clear she is stunned her husband is dumping her over this situation. That he is ending the marriage because of her "friendship with a gay man". In her foggy head, that's all this is, she doesn't even see it as being inappropriate.

But she asked him for an open marriage in the original thread. I'm sorry, but if my wife asked me for that I would run, not walk, but run to an attorney's office.

The OP has also waffled a lot with what he has said to her. Clearly due to the extreme emotional anguish. This is why she thinks she can do this - her H will come around to her crazy ideas in good time. OP, leave this woman yesterday.
 

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Discussion Starter · #54 ·
She responded with two paragraphs. Assuring me he is gay and there is nothing between them and that she is sorry for what she said. Also, How HE even suggested marriage counseling for us. How noble!!!

Do I think he is gay? I am 99% sure he is actually gay. The problem is her unhealthy infatuation with this guy. It's just...Not right: texting another guy on our anniversary while I am driving across town to pick up our anniversary dinner. Texting him that she "misses him" and is "thinking of him a lot." Just...No!

She is not admitting it to herself and that is the problem. I believe she is in love with this guy.

I'm going to respond to her that even if we did go to counseling, the marriage counselor would impose similar no-contact rule on this guy, and even demand that she hands over all passwords and have complete transparency...

Do you think that's a good response?
 

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Discussion Starter · #56 ·
Since maybe she does not understand, or wants to skirt the facts, I am considering sending her this:

If you answer "yes" to more than 2 or 3 of these questions, you are courting disaster in your marriage by being in an emotional affair.

Are you experiencing repetitive hostility and conflict in your marriage? YES

Do you feel an emotional distance from your spouse? YES

Do you find it difficult to talk with your spouse? YES

Are you sharing more with your friend than you are with your spouse? YES

Do you think your friend understands you better than your spouse? YES

Are you sexually attracted to your friend? YES

Is the phrase, "We're just friends", your rationalization for your close friendship? YES

Does your spouse know about your friendship or is your friendship a secret? Secret until I found the facebook wall posts, yet they were talking for months.

Do you look forward to being with your friend more than being with your spouse? YES
 

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[UPDATE]

She sent me a message saying she will look into getting a job working nights so we can save up for a car for her and we can share watching the boys.

She is sticking with her decision.

*EDIT She just sent me this:

"I'm honestly quite stunned you are done...."
If she works she pays half the bills , you don't allow her to save for the car , that's her problem once you seperate.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Don't even consider MC or IC until she has evidenced the affair has stopped and NC is in effect. Ignore her text messages unless it is related to your child. Run the 180 hard.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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She responded with two paragraphs. Assuring me he is gay and there is nothing between them and that she is sorry for what she said. Also, How HE even suggested marriage counseling for us. How noble!!!

Do I think he is gay? I am 99% sure he is actually gay. The problem is her unhealthy infatuation with this guy. It's just...Not right: texting another guy on our anniversary while I am driving across town to pick up our anniversary dinner. Texting him that she "misses him" and is "thinking of him a lot." Just...No!

She is not admitting it to herself and that is the problem. I believe she is in love with this guy.

I'm going to respond to her that even if we did go to counseling, the marriage counselor would impose similar no-contact rule on this guy, and even demand that she hands over all passwords and have complete transparency...

Do you think that's a good response?
Don't tell her what you think the MC will tell her since she might refuse to go if she knows before hand what he is going to tell her. If she thinks a counselor is going to go along with her so much the better.
 
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