[imjustlost]

[UPDATE]

I aproached her and asked her to stop talking to him. She considered it for about 30 minutes while we talked about calmly. She kept reassuring me nothing was going on. I told her I didnt care, those are my boundaries. She shouldnt have said those things, and told her that since she apologized so she knew it was wrong...I told her she could make it right and we could move on if she stopped talking to him. She kept making me feel guilty so I told her to stop making me feel guilty Im the one who suffered reading those things, I should not be made to feel guilty. I told her if he was such a close friend he would understand why she did this. She eventually said she couldnt do it. So I stood up, took off my ring dropped it on the bed and said, "I hope he is worth it". I left and am trying to find something to get my mind off things. Next move is go to work tomorrow and phone some attorneys. Feelsbadman.jpg

Thanks for the support everyone, it really means a lot.

 

[Initfortheduration]

Excellent. You did what you said you would. This breaks it down to two possible outcomes. She either stops the EA or you divorce her. These are clear black and white choices. But I will wager that she will call you saying OK. She would be lying. She will send the affair deeper underground so she can eat cake a while longer. Her plan will be a delaying tactic only. Move forward, protect yourself financially and cut her off.

 

[imjustlost]

Chapparal, sure enough she said I was controlling. I said no, Im giving you a choice. Im asking you to show me respect by quitting contact with this guy.

thanks theguy, I made it a point to not call it an ultimatem. The talk was really productive...well, up until the tentative rejection!

 

[the guy]

Ask her to leave. She may not , but it is a profound statement that tells her you are serious about moving on with out her. Especially if you really want her to leave.

Many folks thinks they won't leave, we have kids, it 1/2 her house, blah blah blah blah. The reality of it is you just asked her to leave...that in its self is empowering, and makes a huge statement. Even if she refuses it is a very huge statement in were your mind set is with regards to tolorating her unhealthy behavior. It says volumns in that you are for sure not going to sit by and tolorate it.

 

[ing]

This is awful and very similar to the position I found myself in.

She is trying to cake eat. This may go on for some time even if you do issue Divorce papers.

Do not allow it. Start dumping the consequences of her decision on her now.

You need to make it very clear at every stage that this is her choice and why this is happening. She at the moment believes your love is unconditional and that you are a stable love that she can return to at any time. Like a Father or Brother.
Remind her EVERY TIME that some consequence is implemented that it is that she is losing you because she refuses to end the affair. Be very clear and calm. Repeat it often and see if it penetrates the FOG.
She has fallen in Love with another man. The fog will be very thick

 

[Affaircare]

imjustlost~

Very nice touch dropping the ring on the bed and being informed that she's likely to say you're being controlling. It may not feel very good right now, but you did an excellent job. Now--be strong and of a good courage and let's carry this through.

Right now she thinks something like this: "I can have my husband and the house and the kids and all his money and all the benefits...but have XXX on the side and have my emotional needs met by him!" and in her little fantasy there is no cost for having XXX on the side. The kids will be love him and be happy she found someone who makes her happy. The relatives will accept him. She gets the house, the kids, alimony and childsupport...so you just sort of disappear... But you just put a big ol' can of REALITY CHECK in her fantasy!!

Next step, I personally do not recommend jumping straight to divorce but rather I do STRONGLY suggest at least a legal separation to protect yourself and the children and your marital assets. I don't recommend divorce because I do want you to have the option to save your marriage if you so desire...and starting down the divorce road sort of eliminates that option. So do the attorney calls, and ask about legal separation.

But during the night tonight and as you can during the next couple days, begin to pack some large luggage for her. Ideally, it would be perfect to have two nice, big suitcases full and say something along the lines of: "Since you've made the choice that XXX is more valuable to you than respecting me and our marriage vows, I am sad about that but I can accept it. I've taken the liberty of getting your things together, and I'm sure he'll be happy to help you find someplace to stay. THIS is our MARITAL HOME and I would be more than happy to have you live here in loving mutual respect...but I will NOT be disrespected in our MARITAL HOME while you carry on with another man. When you are ready to give me 100% of your affection and loyalty and honor the vows we made to one another, this MARITAL HOME will be right here. But I will not accept less than 100% from a life partner. Good luck with your choice dear, I'm setting you free." Then escort her out the door, close the door and lock it behind her.

It is going to be REALLY tough and she will try every trick in the book to make you out to be the bad guy, but STAY STRONG and let her experience the natural consequence of her choice. She will squeal because it does hurt, but allow her to learn that the cost of making that choice is painful.

Again do this in love and dependability...not in revenge. If you do this bravely right now, you just may have a chance.

 

[calif_hope]

Have you exposed this, if not notify friend/family, tell them she wants an open marriage and that their has been 3 people in your marriage for far too long......get yourself a legal pad and start jotting down separation of assets and debt........propose a custody arrangement, tell her that you will most likely have to put the house up for sale and that you will be looking for a Realtor......just go on the offense, keep her reeling from each new "Reality", tell her your willing to pay for her ticket to go to the OM to live but your kids will never leave the State.............punch,
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Chaparral]

How did she react? What was she like during this conversation?
Did she act like when she saw you were leaving?

 

[ing]

imjustlost~

Very nice touch dropping the ring on the bed and being informed that she's likely to say you're being controlling. It may not feel very good right now, but you did an excellent job. Now--be strong and of a good courage and let's carry this through.

Right now she thinks something like this: "I can have my husband and the house and the kids and all his money and all the benefits...but have XXX on the side and have my emotional needs met by him!" and in her little fantasy there is no cost for having XXX on the side. The kids will be love him and be happy she found someone who makes her happy. The relatives will accept him. She gets the house, the kids, alimony and childsupport...so you just sort of disappear... But you just put a big ol' can of REALITY CHECK in her fantasy!!

Next step, I personally do not recommend jumping straight to divorce but rather I do STRONGLY suggest at least a legal separation to protect yourself and the children and your marital assets. I don't recommend divorce because I do want you to have the option to save your marriage if you so desire...and starting down the divorce road sort of eliminates that option. So do the attorney calls, and ask about legal separation.

But during the night tonight and as you can during the next couple days, begin to pack some large luggage for her. Ideally, it would be perfect to have two nice, big suitcases full and say something along the lines of: "Since you've made the choice that XXX is more valuable to you than respecting me and our marriage vows, I am sad about that but I can accept it. I've taken the liberty of getting your things together, and I'm sure he'll be happy to help you find someplace to stay. THIS is our MARITAL HOME and I would be more than happy to have you live here in loving mutual respect...but I will NOT be disrespected in our MARITAL HOME while you carry on with another man. When you are ready to give me 100% of your affection and loyalty and honor the vows we made to one another, this MARITAL HOME will be right here. But I will not accept less than 100% from a life partner. Good luck with your choice dear, I'm setting you free." Then escort her out the door, close the door and lock it behind her.

It is going to be REALLY tough and she will try every trick in the book to make you out to be the bad guy, but STAY STRONG and let her experience the natural consequence of her choice. She will squeal because it does hurt, but allow her to learn that the cost of making that choice is painful.

Again do this in love and dependability...not in revenge. If you do this bravely right now, you just may have a chance.

What he said!

 

[Chaparral]

Have you exposed this, if not notify friend/family, tell them she wants an open marriage and that their has been 3 people in your marriage for far too long......get yourself a legal pad and start jotting down separation of assets and debt........propose a custody arrangement, tell her that you will most likely have to put the house up for sale and that you will be looking for a Realtor......just go on the offense, keep her reeling from each new "Reality", tell her your willing to pay for her ticket to go to the OM to live but your kids will never leave the State.............punch,
Posted via Mobile Device

Agree, plus she needs to get a job, car etc. Close joint bank accts. credit cards in the morning.

 

[imjustlost]

Great advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

I now have some plans should she try and work this out. I have more ultimatums now that she rejected my first...Thanks affaircare!

I will look into drafting some plans for splitting our assets and her getting a job and will send that to her tomorrow.

Chapparal, the talk was productive as we talked through the issues that lead to her wandering, and I could tell she wanted to talk this through but maybe felt she was trapped. She is very hard-headed and I feel she made this decision to test my boundaries, again.

 

[Chaparral]

Great advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

I now have some plans should she try and work this out. I have more ultimatums now that she rejected my first...Thanks affaircare!

I will look into drafting some plans for splitting our assets and her getting a job and will send that to her tomorrow.

Chapparal, the talk was productive as we talked through the issues that lead to her wandering, and I could tell she wanted to talk this through but maybe felt she was trapped. She is very hard-headed and I feel she made this decision to test my boundaries, again.

Praying for your family, stay strong ,its what your family needs.

 

[imjustlost]

Praying for your family, stay strong ,its what your family needs.

Thank you, brother.

 

[ing]

How old are your boys? The reason I ask is because in her mind the script goes something like this.

"I will leave him and let the dust settle a bit. In a couple of months I will introduce the OM to the boys and they will see how very much in love we are, this will be good for them because I have been in an abusive relationship with Hubby.

Very soon imjustlast will find somebody new and he will see how happy OM and I are. He will be very happy too because this is for the best.

In the end we will all four have dinner together and watch the kids play together. " We all laugh about how this came to be!


Stay strong for your boys. They are going to be looking to you because Mom is going to have her head so far up her ass she will think that you are causing them to cry because of your unreasonableness.

I feel for you man. I really do. I heard the words above. If you love her . Lovingly detach as fast as you can. I mean it. You can't fake it. Just do it.

I love you but I want you to be happy. Off you go!
i love you and understand your greater love.. Bye.
I love you and .. you get the idea..

Are you sleeping? Eating?

 

[imjustlost]

I now resent her deeply for this and for hiding it from me. The fact that she chose.him makes me want to accept no reconciliation, only agree to be polite for our children. I dont ever want to hurt this bad again. I need to find someone who will appreciate me. Life is too short...

 

[imjustlost]

@ing

My boys are 5 and 6, one on the autistic spectrum. They are my life. I am strong for them and they never see me down. It breaks my heart to know that I cannot give them the life that I wanted for them so badly. I am so angry at her that I do not want to reconcile.

I will tell her not to do anything rash, like break contact prematurely with the other guy, because I am moving forward.

I am sleeping better now, though for two months I slept only a few hours a night before my mind was consumed by thoughts of this guy and the things she said to him...

I lost about ten pounds during this ordeal, i'm starting to eat more regularly now that I faced this thing head on. Depression and panic attacks only lasted 3-4 weeks when I discovered the things she said to this guy. I'm lucky it was somewhat manageable.

Thanks for asking, and I truly appreciate the help you are giving me. Everyone, thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

 

[Chaparral]

I now resent her deeply for this and for hiding it from me. The fact that she chose.him makes me want to accept no reconciliation, only agree to be polite for our children. I dont ever want to hurt this bad again. I need to find someone who will appreciate me. Life is too short...

What did she say led up to this. Like she said he was the only one there for her for the past six months. Is she just making up issues or had she talked to you about things bothering her?

Don't give up yet, you've got boys to think about yet. Your goal now should be to bust up the EA from both ends.

Why don't you call the other mans partner and then call the other man. If they broke up my family the last thing they would be doing is giggleing about it. But thats just me.

For example, if he offered to buy my kids shoes , I would have been on the phone immediately telling him where to get off. Of course he might like boys. But after I put the fear of God in him he wouldn't be effing with my family again.

This is just one step to putting your family back together.

 

[ing]

Yeah. Man. The aim at this point is to bust up the EA at this point. It has gone on a while and will take some strength from you.

Lets try and kill the affair fast, most of them die on there own.
We are just helping the process along by dumping reality on her.

Shock and Awe now. She may be reeling now. She may go to the OM because you are "nasty and controlling". The reality is that since she is "in love" no matter what you do that is probably going to happen anyway.*

Detaching is good, and she can probably see it, however. Your hurting really badly now and everything she says stabs you in the heart and twists. Try to not listen to it. Please.



This may take months and months. and by then you will be recovering, but right now you need to be in control. Your doing well. Keep it up!
Shock and AWE

 

[KanDo]

imjustlost~

Very nice touch dropping the ring on the bed and being informed that she's likely to say you're being controlling. It may not feel very good right now, but you did an excellent job. Now--be strong and of a good courage and let's carry this through.

Right now she thinks something like this: "I can have my husband and the house and the kids and all his money and all the benefits...but have XXX on the side and have my emotional needs met by him!" and in her little fantasy there is no cost for having XXX on the side. The kids will be love him and be happy she found someone who makes her happy. The relatives will accept him. She gets the house, the kids, alimony and childsupport...so you just sort of disappear... But you just put a big ol' can of REALITY CHECK in her fantasy!!

Next step, I personally do not recommend jumping straight to divorce but rather I do STRONGLY suggest at least a legal separation to protect yourself and the children and your marital assets. I don't recommend divorce because I do want you to have the option to save your marriage if you so desire...and starting down the divorce road sort of eliminates that option. So do the attorney calls, and ask about legal separation.

But during the night tonight and as you can during the next couple days, begin to pack some large luggage for her. Ideally, it would be perfect to have two nice, big suitcases full and say something along the lines of: "Since you've made the choice that XXX is more valuable to you than respecting me and our marriage vows, I am sad about that but I can accept it. I've taken the liberty of getting your things together, and I'm sure he'll be happy to help you find someplace to stay. THIS is our MARITAL HOME and I would be more than happy to have you live here in loving mutual respect...but I will NOT be disrespected in our MARITAL HOME while you carry on with another man. When you are ready to give me 100% of your affection and loyalty and honor the vows we made to one another, this MARITAL HOME will be right here. But I will not accept less than 100% from a life partner. Good luck with your choice dear, I'm setting you free." Then escort her out the door, close the door and lock it behind her.

It is going to be REALLY tough and she will try every trick in the book to make you out to be the bad guy, but STAY STRONG and let her experience the natural consequence of her choice. She will squeal because it does hurt, but allow her to learn that the cost of making that choice is painful.

Again do this in love and dependability...not in revenge. If you do this bravely right now, you just may have a chance.

NOT what he said!

In most jurisdictions, your spouse has a right to stay in the marital home and can not be forced out. You can ASK her to leave; but unless she is threatening or abusive, you can't force her out. And make sure you don't leave. Also, forget the idea of legal separation unless required in your state. Just file for divorce. You can stop the process at any time and I believe it makes a much more profound statement to the wayward spouse.
Sorry you are here. Must of us here have been in similar circumstances.

Good luck!

 

[jnj express]

Hey Lost---google, your state's Family Codes---Read them all from beginning to end---when you have finished going thru them, you will actually know what any D. atty. in your state knows-----they just have the experience of dealing with them. but you will know where you stand

See an atty, for the free advice---then you can go by the closest couthouse, and get a D. packet, and a Custody packet, should cost you about 20 to 30 bucks.

Go thru the whole packet, know what is there---You can actually do the D., yourself------saving thousands of dollars---

If nothing else, call your wife's bluff, let her see you working on the packet----I promise you, that just might wake her up, out of this nonsense she is in.