[imjustlost]

[UPDATE] Ultimatum day. Enough is enough...

Update on page 2

Story here:
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tl;dr: wife of 7 years, mother of two boys is online flirting (like, thinking of him on our anniversary, posting "love" songs on his facebook wall) with committed gay man, makes me feel guilty for me demanding a no-contact. Says I'm insecure.

Tonight I'm going to tell her I want a NC with this guy, or we go our separate ways. We enter marriage counseling as well. She has already refused both of these, so I am expecting a refusal again...

I won't yell, won't argue and be calm.

Why do I feel guilty??? Is a NC warranted???

Does anyone have any tips or insight about what I'm about to do?

Thank you.

 

[imjustlost]

Chapparal, I have not printed it. She will laugh. I took some points from it and will include those when I approach her. Believe me, divorce will move forward if she refuses.

 

[imjustlost]

Thanks everyone. Will initiating a divorce cost much?

 

[imjustlost]

Weeks ago, we decided to split and she was the one who initiated contact the next afternoon saying she didn't want a divorce. So, she was the one who flinched first. Not sure if that matters also she apologized for saying those things to him but still refused to stop contact. She has a little remorse but not sure if she has enough to respect my boundaries. If she refuses I won't argue. I will hand her my ring and tell her I am done fighting for her, and I hope he is worth it.

 

[imjustlost]

She didn't really flinch. What she did was to suggest returning to the status quo where she was able to cake eat.

Other than saying she didn't want a divorce, what things has she done differently since then?

Being nice to me. Spending more time with me. Seeking me out for conversation. She wore her ring for a week long vacation over Christmas.

Physically what has she done? Zero...

 

[imjustlost]

Thanks for the reply Shaggy. Cake eating makes sense...

and thanks Eli-Zor for the reply.

 

[imjustlost]

[UPDATE]

I aproached her and asked her to stop talking to him. She considered it for about 30 minutes while we talked about calmly. She kept reassuring me nothing was going on. I told her I didnt care, those are my boundaries. She shouldnt have said those things, and told her that since she apologized so she knew it was wrong...I told her she could make it right and we could move on if she stopped talking to him. She kept making me feel guilty so I told her to stop making me feel guilty Im the one who suffered reading those things, I should not be made to feel guilty. I told her if he was such a close friend he would understand why she did this. She eventually said she couldnt do it. So I stood up, took off my ring dropped it on the bed and said, "I hope he is worth it". I left and am trying to find something to get my mind off things. Next move is go to work tomorrow and phone some attorneys. Feelsbadman.jpg

Thanks for the support everyone, it really means a lot.

 

[imjustlost]

Chapparal, sure enough she said I was controlling. I said no, Im giving you a choice. Im asking you to show me respect by quitting contact with this guy.

thanks theguy, I made it a point to not call it an ultimatem. The talk was really productive...well, up until the tentative rejection!

 

[imjustlost]

Great advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

I now have some plans should she try and work this out. I have more ultimatums now that she rejected my first...Thanks affaircare!

I will look into drafting some plans for splitting our assets and her getting a job and will send that to her tomorrow.

Chapparal, the talk was productive as we talked through the issues that lead to her wandering, and I could tell she wanted to talk this through but maybe felt she was trapped. She is very hard-headed and I feel she made this decision to test my boundaries, again.

 

[imjustlost]

Praying for your family, stay strong ,its what your family needs.

Thank you, brother.

 

[imjustlost]

I now resent her deeply for this and for hiding it from me. The fact that she chose.him makes me want to accept no reconciliation, only agree to be polite for our children. I dont ever want to hurt this bad again. I need to find someone who will appreciate me. Life is too short...

 

[imjustlost]

@ing

My boys are 5 and 6, one on the autistic spectrum. They are my life. I am strong for them and they never see me down. It breaks my heart to know that I cannot give them the life that I wanted for them so badly. I am so angry at her that I do not want to reconcile.

I will tell her not to do anything rash, like break contact prematurely with the other guy, because I am moving forward.

I am sleeping better now, though for two months I slept only a few hours a night before my mind was consumed by thoughts of this guy and the things she said to him...

I lost about ten pounds during this ordeal, i'm starting to eat more regularly now that I faced this thing head on. Depression and panic attacks only lasted 3-4 weeks when I discovered the things she said to this guy. I'm lucky it was somewhat manageable.

Thanks for asking, and I truly appreciate the help you are giving me. Everyone, thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

 

[imjustlost]

Thanks again, everyone. Great advice.

180 Shock and awe time now.

I will pick up a divorce packet and get to work on it.

Thanks again for the support!

 

[imjustlost]

[UPDATE]

She sent me a message saying she will look into getting a job working nights so we can save up for a car for her and we can share watching the boys.

She is sticking with her decision.

*EDIT She just sent me this:

"I'm honestly quite stunned you are done...."

 

[imjustlost]

She responded with two paragraphs. Assuring me he is gay and there is nothing between them and that she is sorry for what she said. Also, How HE even suggested marriage counseling for us. How noble!!!

Do I think he is gay? I am 99% sure he is actually gay. The problem is her unhealthy infatuation with this guy. It's just...Not right: texting another guy on our anniversary while I am driving across town to pick up our anniversary dinner. Texting him that she "misses him" and is "thinking of him a lot." Just...No!

She is not admitting it to herself and that is the problem. I believe she is in love with this guy.

I'm going to respond to her that even if we did go to counseling, the marriage counselor would impose similar no-contact rule on this guy, and even demand that she hands over all passwords and have complete transparency...

Do you think that's a good response?

 

[imjustlost]

Since maybe she does not understand, or wants to skirt the facts, I am considering sending her this:

If you answer "yes" to more than 2 or 3 of these questions, you are courting disaster in your marriage by being in an emotional affair.

Are you experiencing repetitive hostility and conflict in your marriage? YES

Do you feel an emotional distance from your spouse? YES

Do you find it difficult to talk with your spouse? YES

Are you sharing more with your friend than you are with your spouse? YES

Do you think your friend understands you better than your spouse? YES

Are you sexually attracted to your friend? YES

Is the phrase, "We're just friends", your rationalization for your close friendship? YES

Does your spouse know about your friendship or is your friendship a secret? Secret until I found the facebook wall posts, yet they were talking for months.

Do you look forward to being with your friend more than being with your spouse? YES

 

[imjustlost]

Ok, she is saying it is not too far gone to salvage.

I don't want this to end and I don't want you to leave, but you seem adamant so I don't know what to do.

 

[imjustlost]

I did send her the quiz, she says she doesn't need a quiz to know what her feelings are.

 

[imjustlost]

She agreed to go to marriage counseling. What now?