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Do you personally know the gay man? If not, how do actually know he is gay - because she says so?????

There is not room for three people in a marriage, period.

Since she is still refusing to say goodbye to her "gay" guy, it is time to shake up the status quo.

Protect yourself financially before you file. Get a bank account she cannot access. Cancel all joint credit cards. Get new ones in your name only.

She was ready to split then changed her mind? She may be moving money around as preparation for leaving. Watch out for that.
 

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Yeah I am thinking of writing a message to him saying, "What part of no contact do you not understand?"

But really I feel she is not even worth fighting for at this point...
From everything you have posted. She is clearly choosing a relationship with OM over you and the marriage.

By setting up another secret account and apologizing to HIM for all the drama YOU have caused -- that would be the last straw for me.

Even if you successfully bust up this affair, odds are very good that she will develop another with someone. Do you really want to spend the rest of your married life having to be the detective. Just waiting for her to do it again. After all, she's not doing anything wrong. If this affair is not wrong in her eyes, she may eventually let this one go, but another is just over the horizon.

Your best option now is to file Divorce. She does not believe you will do it.
 

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She says she has done nothing wrong but is mad that you exposed her behavior. If it was not wrong, why does she care who knows about it?

She created secret accounts to continue what she has been doing all along, being selfish, secretive, emotionally abusive to you, disrespectful of you, your children, your marriage, and continues to play you for a fool.

How much more evidence do you need?
 

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I have seen stories about some really messed up individuals on this site.

I think this woman makes the top five in the "Most Unbelievable" category.

Run away and never look back.
 

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Some small part of me thinks maybe I failed as a husband in helping her mature. Though, I accept that I can't fix everything and not every problem is my own.

Looking back, I am confident I made the right decision; I'm truly happy and optimistic looking toward the future.
Yes you made the right decision. You tried everything you could to get her to see reality.

Put that small part that thinks it is some how a failure by you out of your head. A marriage matures or it doesn't. She didn't come along for the ride. Nothing you could have done about that just like there was nothing you could do to stop her from self destructing.
 
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