[Eli-Zor]

You require a retainer , phone around and get quotes . Don't make this easy for your wife .
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

[UPDATE]

She sent me a message saying she will look into getting a job working nights so we can save up for a car for her and we can share watching the boys.

She is sticking with her decision.

*EDIT She just sent me this:

"I'm honestly quite stunned you are done...."

If she works she pays half the bills , you don't allow her to save for the car , that's her problem once you seperate.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Don't even consider MC or IC until she has evidenced the affair has stopped and NC is in effect. Ignore her text messages unless it is related to your child. Run the 180 hard.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

I understand this as a general rule but in cases where the spouse doesn't believe they are in an affair I think a counselor could be the only thing that might work. The bad thing is how many people say there are so many bad counselors.

IJL needs to buy the book "His Needs Her Needs" readit and give it to his wife. This book is designed to heal broken couples marriages.

I would rather the spend some cash on a once off call with Harley to get a plan in motion than go to MC
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

The problem with that is, the guy never really went beyond flirting (as far as I know).
The issue is my wife's infatuation with him. I could ask him to let me know if he knows anything about it, or if OM has told him anything about it or her.

Expose him , he knows what he is doing and is not innocent.

 

[Eli-Zor]

Some SO are blind to affairs, don't let the OMM try imply there is nothing going on, warn him that his relationship is in trouble as well.

 

[Eli-Zor]

message sent asking if he would be open to talking with me about OM's behavior with my wife.

Forget that , phone him.

If you want to make the OM squirm read the exposure posts in the newbie thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

 

[Eli-Zor]

I really would rather have it in writing, to be honest.

Also do not have his number and no idea how to get it.

Its your choice of words that should change. I was pointing you at the newbie thread for you to read the templates for exposure. If you are going to do this in writing your use of words such as affair, adultery are critical to convey the message.

Change the words friend to OMM's name and the context so it addresses OMM as the significant partner

Dear friend of XXX (Full name)

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe you should know the kind of person he/she really is. XXX is having an affair with my wife/husband , (name of your spouse) YYYY, from ZZZ (month or year) until ZZZ (month or year) . I believe that you should know this, so you can protect your relationship. My wife/husband and I have X small children and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence should you require it .



Thank you
(Betrayed Spouse’s name)

If you don't get a satisfactory result you find all his friends and expose to them

 

[Eli-Zor]

It looks like a deep EA , umfortunatly an EA of this duration can be difficult to break first time round. You have two parallel tasks , take the OM out and continue to let your wife feel the consequences of her affair. There is no R discussion until your are certain the affair is killed and has not gone underground.

Have you managed to expose the OM to his partner?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Thanks Chapparal and everyone else, it really means a lot!

Eli-Zor: I have not heard anything. I presume he does not care, as most of this stuff he is doing on public facebook walls where his partner can see.

Facebook is a fantastic place for exposure , a few well placed messages to his friends will soon set the exposure wheel running.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Before she defriends him , she sends him a no contact letter , you sit next to her when she does this . The template is in the newbie thread . Once this is done and she has defriended him , defriend any one else they have as common friends and block his name.

You should then monitor Facebook to see if she unblocks him. I suggest you get a keylogger as well . Your wife wanted an open marriage and would not let him go , this suggest a tough cold turkey period for her. Arrange for her phone to be blocked both ways.

Your making progess , slowly.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

What we are saying is your taking a few to many shortcuts . You should have had your wife send the NC in your presence before she had an opportunity to talk to the OM , you have and had the opportunity to take the OM out by exposing to his friends .

Experience says a woman in an EA with the duration your wife has been in is very likely to take this underground. You could have short circuited any doubt by following the suggestions we gave you , not picked components of it.

I strongly suggest you out the OM and expose your wife's affair to her parents , if she goes underground and gaslights you at least her folks will know the truth .
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Not doing this

This can't be fixed or repaired, it has to be blasted to the ground and rebuilt. He must be gone. That will require radical action.

and this

Facebook is a fantastic place for exposure , a few well placed messages to his friends will soon set the exposure wheel running.

or

What we are saying is your taking a few to many shortcuts . You should have had your wife send the NC in your presence before she had an opportunity to talk to the OM , you have and had the opportunity to take the OM out by exposing to his friends

results in

Back to square one.

She resisted the no-contact letter.

and finally

divorce

Take the OM out, your not playing games this is your marriage, you will lose it. Call her parents and her siblings and expose to them.

Once the OM is gone there is no one for her to run to and reality will set in.

 

[Eli-Zor]

We are supporting you, where you are now we have been and seen from countless affairs.

 

[Eli-Zor]

OK, OM, OMM and Mother have been informed of her behavior.

You must take this further , the OM does not give a hoot about your marriage. If you have access to your wife's Facebook page expose his adultery to his friends. Place as much pressure as you can on him to make his affair very uncomfortable. And call it an affair not an EA it dilutes the message.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Exposing to his friends will not do anything, he flirts with all the girls and a lot of this flirting with her was done out in the open on each other's facebook walls.

With a comment like this you may as well give up your marriage, I assure you a wide exposure will get tongues wagging and he will not like it . Please we have done this many times , your a novice and looking for reasons not to take hard steps to let people know he has crossed the line. Re-read the exposure posts in the newbie thread.


Let him get upset , why would you care next time he will think twice about seducing a married woman.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Use the template from the exposure post on page three of the newbie thread . Feedback from elsewhere is the words therein protected a betrayed spouse when they were threated by a lawyer. As long as you state the truth no one will want to take legal action.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Thanks everyone, I am listening. Point taken, preparing outing post for his friends.

He has me blocked so I will have to get creative.

EDIT: calif_hope GTFIH I need another great post! Please!!!

Use your wife's id to access the friends list and copy the web links to their pages to a word document. Use your facebook account to send the messages.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Don't use the wall , he can take it down quickly and the impact will be lost . You must message his friends directly that way some will tell him some will not and it will bug him not knowing how extensive the exposure is
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Eli-Zor]

Why why why , do not tell your wife you are exposing it allows her to prepare her story. Did you actualy read the newbie thread ? It gives you robust guidance as to what to do .
Posted via Mobile Device