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Damn this is just cruel.

What makes this so horrible & cruel is the smoke and mirrors, the doubt that your being forced to deal with (gaslighting)... Tune everything out and focus only on the forest, ignore all the trees.

Your W is in love with another man.

Ignore everything else. It's all blah, blah, blah after that fact.

Your singular focus is completely removing him from her life at all cost.

Terminate their relationship with extreme prejudice.
 

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Text her you have one more quiz question and that you need to see a response, an answer, to the question in writing...

"Why are you chosing your friend over your husband and your marriage"
Save yourself the frustration, she is deeeeeep in the fog. nothing that assigns the responsibilty for her own choices will be accepted. Logic and reality are a waste of time. It will be a circular argument, each point made will be countered quickly with blameshifting/H being controlling/minimizing. It will all be fueled by anger for taking away her drug (AP) and desperation to satisfy craving for addiction.

Only chance here is action, words are just mental mastrabation.
 

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She agreed to go to marriage counseling. What now?
IMO... Your wasting your time and money. As long as the affair and contact w/ OM is ongoing, her accepting MC is likely nothing more than a stall tactic and another forum for gaslighting. At least for awhile until MC gets to the root of it (if they do)... figure while your seeing the MC once a week.. the remainder of the week she is "exploring" her feelings for OM and "soul searching"...

Again, IMO.... MC is only effective when both spouses are 100% commited to making it work and well after AP is out of the picture COMPLETELY.
 

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Expose him , he knows what he is doing and is not innocent.
Exactly. He knows exactly what he is doing. So does she. Thing is, you don't. But... there is an absolute that is the case 110% of the time in these situations... It is an iceburg.

She did not trip and hit her head then suddenly fall head over heels, leave her marriage "in love" with some guy... Lot's of conversations, lots of intimacy and a process... and process he participated in got her here....

Ignore the trees, focus on the forest.

IMO..... "Bull in a china shop" type exposure is warranted. NO pu$$yfooting, this is WRONG! This must stop.
 

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Contacting OMM now.

*EDIT: message sent asking if he would be open to talking with me about OM's behavior with my wife.
NO pu$$yfooting, this is WRONG! This must stop.
Who the f-ck knows what going on in his relationship or with the OMM... He likely will spin right into insta-denial and wont want to hear what you have to say... dont forget his relationship could be in big trouble and likely ending... Who do you think he will call the minute he gets your text? What do you think his lover will say?

"open to talking"?? F-ck that, he WILL hear you and you WILL fight for your marriage.
 

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I hate to burst your bubble brother, but it will help you in the big picture if you understand this is just her trying to negotiate and manage you. In the grand scheme, You've really gotten no where.

It's damage control. These are breadcrumbs... Fool's gold. She needs to back you down. She has no intention of letting this guy go. Beware, she is going to go further underground.

This can't be fixed or repaired, it has to be blasted to the ground and rebuilt. He must be gone. That will require radical action.
 

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I gave her no-contact letter to send, and told her to send me proof of her sending it to him.

De-friend him and block him.
Guess you think she wont tell him to ignore that when she sends the 2nd email after she opens a new email account, second facebook account, and a disposable phone? If she hasn't already, she will... I promise.
 

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She's terrible at hiding things
Was.

Get this through your head, You don't know this women. She is not the person you married. You have no idea what she is capable of. She is an addict. This women is a highly skilled liar and manipulator. Don't believe anything she says and forget everything you think you know.

Your not in Kansas anymore.

We really do want to help you, but you have to get your head out of your ass and listen.

I mean that respectfully brother, we want to help.
 

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No, my xW did that (facebook deactivate) several times.

She likely deactivated it. She can reactivate it at anytime. She knows your digging there and is probably concerned about your exposing it further to her online world. That is the fantasy universe she exists in (FB, texts, online).

She's protecting it, and him from you.
 

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Your just talking.

It's becoming clear that your not going to get anywhere until your "done", when that happens you may finally have the resolve to take decisive action. The type of action that has been repeatedly recommended (read Turena's post above for another recap) and would have given you the opportunity to truly recover your marriage.

Ironically, if you keep stalling it's likely the damage that is building up will make your marriage unrecoverable. Your not listening to us, or your listening selectively. The clock is ticking loudly and your still dancing to her song.

Also, here's some more about what Turnera is referring to. Re; whats happening to her "chemically" link.

I'll leave you with a reminder of a conversation 48 hours ago...

Guess you think she wont tell him to ignore that when she sends the 2nd email after she opens a new email account, second facebook account, and a disposable phone? If she hasn't already, she will... I promise.
If that's the case, and I find out...No discussion, she is getting directly served with divorce papers with no chance for reconciliation.
Now you've confirmed, she did indeed open that account...

and what are you doing? your talking about hacking some guys facebook account and "sitting back" and gathering more information....

sigh...

Stop talking, TAKE ACTION.
 

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stop playing by her rules. you cant win. You have to stop dancing to her song.

ONLY when she feels the consequences of her choices will anything change.

3 quick things....

1. regarding the consequences, they can not YOUR consequences. the have to be THE consequences.

2. the reason myself and others here are pushing so hard for you to take definitive action is simple human psychology. It's the pleasure principle. People only engage in behaviors for 2 reasons. 1 too gain pleasure, 2 too avoid pain. When a behavior potentially involves both, its a matter of which is stronger. Right now, she is getting unbelievable pleasure from her relatonship with OM (see info re; naturally occuring amphetamines released by brain/drugs/romantic love). The actual and perceived pain she is getting as a result of her action is much lower than the pleasure... you see? why would she stop? She won't. You allow the actual and percieved pain to ratchet up to a level even with or greater than the pleasure, the behavior will naturally STOP.

Trick is...(see #1) the pain and consequences must be THE not YOUR.

Do you understand what I mean?

3. Everything that happens and everyday that passes seems like it's absolute and final. This isnt close to over, she will flip flop, you will flip flop, your feelings will change 100 times in the next year... What you feel right now, you wont feel tomorrow... the same applys with her. This ride is just beginning. If you take a deep breath and open your eyes, you will see that there is a steering wheel just outside your reach... This are moving at mock speed in your head... It's scary but you have to lean forward and get your hands on that wheel...
 

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Pit of my stomach:

You make too much sense.
I will look into implementing some pain as a result of THE consequences.
No, I think your still missing what Im saying... You dont implement THE consequences... you implement YOUR consequences. You allow THE consequences to happen.

Do you understand what I mean about "the vs. your" ?

I also pointed out a few times in my last post the idea of percieved pain and its incredible motivational power in the pleasure principle... Do you understand how that fits in and why you dont have it ?
 

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You know I'm rooting for you but....

In your heart of hearts, Do you really think she wont repeat this behavior? She is showing clearly exactly what she is made of. Im sorry and I mean no offense saying that it's ugly. really ugly.

Character, like a kettle, once mended, always requires repairs.
~proverb


What happens when its a man that fully reciprocates?. You having an impossible time seperating her from a gay man, in a commited relationship, 1000+ miles away, with her friends pressing her to wake up and the potential of losing her family staring her in the face. Her excuse, it's the principle of it?
 
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