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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
[UPDATE] Ultimatum day. Enough is enough...

Update on page 2

Story here:
Click Here for my story

tl;dr: wife of 7 years, mother of two boys is online flirting (like, thinking of him on our anniversary, posting "love" songs on his facebook wall) with committed gay man, makes me feel guilty for me demanding a no-contact. Says I'm insecure.

Tonight I'm going to tell her I want a NC with this guy, or we go our separate ways. We enter marriage counseling as well. She has already refused both of these, so I am expecting a refusal again...

I won't yell, won't argue and be calm.

Why do I feel guilty??? Is a NC warranted???

Does anyone have any tips or insight about what I'm about to do?

Thank you.
 

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consult a lawyer ASAP, know your options and having papers shows that you are not making an empty threat (unfortunately most lawyers are off today)

aside from NC she must...

delete and block OM from facebook and emails
agree to be transparent, she must share all passwords, her phone etc (without telling her install a keylogger)
show true remorse, tell you everything and no trickle truth, own up to the affair 100%, understand that marital problems are 50/50 but the affair is all hers to atone for and do what you need to heal


also without telling her, expose OM to his long time companion
 

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Since she doesn't value what you say, why would you think that an ultimatum would be better received? File for divorce and have her served. Chances are that she won't be expecting it and it just might shock her to see that you mean business. Getting served will speak louder than any ultimatum.
 

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agree with shaggy, been there dont work well not for me anyway all i got was resentment off him and he was back and forth back and forth me-her.... her-me, didnt and wouldnt stop left again 29th but had told me day before xmas eve his loyalties were not with me, you cant make her she has to want to stop
 

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Bad move get your ducks in a row before confronting!


your giving her the upper hand now she will get her ducks lined up before you.

listen to theses guys they know whats up.


if your serious about it get the papers drawn up first and then if she refuses give them to her.otherwise she will think just another spinless threat.
 

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Chapparal, I have not printed it. She will laugh. I took some points from it and will include those when I approach her. Believe me, divorce will move forward if she refuses.
People in emotional affairs generally don't believe anything is wrong because they are in denial. Get the divorce papers going and give her a copy of the list. It won't take long for her to see she's throwing marriage away for a gay guy. I gaurantee she thinks she can reform him. What a fantasy!

I'm personally one who believes in confronting the OM hard. Many here do not believe that but I think the marriage buster should get a good taste of medicine.. Besides that, he's done it before and he'll do it again if no one puts a stop to it.
 

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Damn this is just cruel.

What makes this so horrible & cruel is the smoke and mirrors, the doubt that your being forced to deal with (gaslighting)... Tune everything out and focus only on the forest, ignore all the trees.

Your W is in love with another man.

Ignore everything else. It's all blah, blah, blah after that fact.

Your singular focus is completely removing him from her life at all cost.

Terminate their relationship with extreme prejudice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Weeks ago, we decided to split and she was the one who initiated contact the next afternoon saying she didn't want a divorce. So, she was the one who flinched first. Not sure if that matters also she apologized for saying those things to him but still refused to stop contact. She has a little remorse but not sure if she has enough to respect my boundaries. If she refuses I won't argue. I will hand her my ring and tell her I am done fighting for her, and I hope he is worth it.
 

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Weeks ago, we decided to split and she was the one who initiated contact the next afternoon saying she didn't want a divorce. So, she was the one who flinched first. Not sure if that matters also she apologized for saying those things to him but still refused to stop contact. She has a little remorse but not sure if she has enough to respect my boundaries. If she refuses I won't argue. I will hand her my ring and tell her I am done fighting for her, and I hope he is worth it.
She didn't really flinch. What she did was to suggest returning to the status quo where she was able to cake eat.

Other than saying she didn't want a divorce, what things has she done differently since then?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
She didn't really flinch. What she did was to suggest returning to the status quo where she was able to cake eat.

Other than saying she didn't want a divorce, what things has she done differently since then?
Being nice to me. Spending more time with me. Seeking me out for conversation. She wore her ring for a week long vacation over Christmas.

Physically what has she done? Zero...
 

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I concur with the others. Start divorce proceedings. It will protect you financially from her soaking you with new debt. I would also separate bank accounts and cancel any joint credit cards. Tell her you are OK with "open" part, just not the marriage part. Tell her to be sure and make him wear protection as he is probably a walking infestation of STDs.

Do not file in expectation of her stopping. File because your self respect will not allow you to be cuckolded by her.
 

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Do you personally know the gay man? If not, how do actually know he is gay - because she says so?????

There is not room for three people in a marriage, period.

Since she is still refusing to say goodbye to her "gay" guy, it is time to shake up the status quo.

Protect yourself financially before you file. Get a bank account she cannot access. Cancel all joint credit cards. Get new ones in your name only.

She was ready to split then changed her mind? She may be moving money around as preparation for leaving. Watch out for that.
 

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Heres my perspective on ultimatiums in general;
We can't control our spouse so why try, but we have boundries that are the walls we set up to protect us from more pain. When establishing boundries for your selves, it really is up to the other spouse to either respect them or be honest enought o tell us they can't or won't...either way its about protecting our selves from more pain.

I guess its so easy to get labeled controling but when you clearly give them a choice when it specificly aimed at protecting your self from more pain then its seems ......well not so much about her but protecting your self.

I'm thinking one can say " you need to choose him or me" or you can say " I will not tolorate this and need to move on if you continue"

Granted its all semantics, but when its so tough to get around the "your trying to control me " thing...... the way you phrase things is so important.

I kind of see it as you are choosing for her when she clearly wants to "have her cake" or "you can do what you want but to keep me around you need to want only me"

I hope this makes sense, cause there are so many ways to word the same thing......
 

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Heres my perspective on ultimatiums in general;
We can't control our spouse so why try, but we have boundries that are the walls we set up to protect us from more pain. When establishing boundries for your selves, it really is up to the other spouse to either respect them or be honest enought o tell us they can't or won't...either way its about protecting our selves from more pain.

I guess its so easy to get labeled controling but when you clearly give them a choice when it specificly aimed at protecting your self from more pain then its seems ......well not so much about her but protecting your self.

I'm thinking one can say " you need to choose him or me" or you can say " I will not tolorate this and need to move on if you continue"

Granted its all semantics, but when its so tough to get around the "your trying to control me " thing...... the way you phrase things is so important.

I kind of see it as you are choosing for her when she clearly wants to "have her cake" or "you can do what you want but to keep me around you need to want only me"

I hope this makes sense, cause there are so many ways to word the same thing......
:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Be sure when she starts telling you you are being controlling that she is free to do anything she wants but you have boundaries and you can do what you have to do also. The controlling thing almost always comes up.

Just to make a point, ask her if he has aids?

Does his partner know he does this? I wonder if its all a game with them since your friend says he has done this with other women ? If I were you I would talk to his partner.

On a side note, I had girl friend (platonic) in college and all her closest friends weere gay guys. No one ever understood that. If a guy is really gay would that be like having a girl friend for a woman? NowI'mconfused.
 
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