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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So frustrated.

Tonight our 10 year old asked to use my husband's cell phone, just to call a friend, and somehow it degenerated quickly into my husband yelling, storming around, slamming doors, and when I finally got him to leave the room, and had the kids go upstairs to play, he spent hours laying in the back hallway. He was accusing us of blaming him for everything, but that had nothing to do with what we were asking him? All in one evening there's been crying, screaming, storming around, everything.

Meanwhile, I just found out I have high blood pressure and am supposed to be lowering my stress, have a ton of new obligations at work/school, and have a ton of work that I was SUPPOSED to do this evening when I got home.

When he finally calmed down, and after the kids were in bed, I tried talking to him because now I'm worried about leaving to go to work tomorrow and leaving him to take care of the kids. He said he was "fine now", but even his tone of voice said he wasn't, and he wouldn't talk at all without storming off.

My husband stays home to take care of the kids, and I work and go to school, and now I just don't know what to do! I'm exhausted and sad and stressed and not sure how to do everything I need to do for work, make sure he's okay to watch the kids, take care of everyone financially and emotionally, I just don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Also, for the record, my husband and I have been married for 7 years, we married young. He has long been an awesome and amazing partner, supportive and loving. This has been kind of building, and we've been fighting more and more about him not doing any of the things that he says he'll do, or not doing anything at home all day, but tonight it was like he was a whole other person.
 

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Seems like there must be more to the story. "Normal" people don't behave like that when someone asks to borrow their phone.

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I know, and it's very much outside of his normal self (he really is/has been a great dad and husband). He has been under stress, staying home with the kids, not getting out of the house much, so I'm sure it's been tough for him. But seeing him laying there in the hallway, just laying there (rather then, say, going to lay on the bed or something) scared the crap out of me, it was so odd. I mentioned about trying to call someone tomorrow morning, see if we could get him to see a therapist or something, but he just said "No, I'm fine" and stormed off (in a tone that said he absolutely was not fine). Now he's in the bedroom, haven't seen him since, but I'm scared he's in some full blown break down or something
 

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Seems like there must be more to the story. "Normal" people don't behave like that when someone asks to borrow their phone.

C
Hi PBear

I thought so too. Hope this won't offend but have you looked at his phone usage? Porn / chats with "girls" etc?

I was very native for many years re. my husband (WS) - I thought he would be the last person to do "such a thing" (A/LTR/+) outside marriage. How naive was I? He had a similar range of "symptoms" whilst he was busy with a busty blonde "Girl" and more. In hindsight, I was too busy worried about my career at the time.

Hope you get to the bottom of the problem.

Look after your good self!
 

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I know, and it's very much outside of his normal self (he really is/has been a great dad and husband). He has been under stress, staying home with the kids, not getting out of the house much, so I'm sure it's been tough for him. But seeing him laying there in the hallway, just laying there (rather then, say, going to lay on the bed or something) scared the crap out of me, it was so odd. I mentioned about trying to call someone tomorrow morning, see if we could get him to see a therapist or something, but he just said "No, I'm fine" and stormed off (in a tone that said he absolutely was not fine). Now he's in the bedroom, haven't seen him since, but I'm scared he's in some full blown break down or something
How old are your other kids?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Our kids are 3 and 10, and when I looked at his phone I didn't see anything like that, though who knows? I've never gotten any indication that he would cheat, though, again, who knows? This morning he acts like nothing happened, which just makes me more nervous.
 

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My thoughts, either he has some mental issues or he got upset because something is going on with the cell phone he doesn't want people to know about. Him getting upset and throwing out accusations may have been a way to deflect what the real deal is.

Has he acted that way before, where someone asked him a simple question and went off the deep end? Or just with the cell?
 

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This has been kind of building, and we've been fighting more and more about him not doing any of the things that he says he'll do, or not doing anything at home all day, but tonight it was like he was a whole other person.
What is he not doing at home? And why doesn't he get to leave the house often?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
He has been doing less and less work around the house, or saying he'll handle making an appt for the kids or something, and then not doing it for weeks and weeks. He doesn't get to leave the house often because he stays home to care for the kids, and we're somewhat new to the area, so we don't have adult friends to spend time with out side of the house yet, and since he doesn't work he gets stuck at home. I really think it must be some kind of depression that's been building, but since it was all so sudden, but now acting "normal", now I have no idea what's going on?
 

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He has been doing less and less work around the house, or saying he'll handle making an appt for the kids or something, and then not doing it for weeks and weeks.
So whats taking up his time, to not be able to do these things he says he will do? I mean it could be depression, or it could that his attention is elsewhere.

If you have a 10 yr old, are they in school? I'm assuming he would just have the 3 yr old? Maybe the younger one needs daycare and your husband needs to find a job or something constructive.
 

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My thoughts are.... tell him to get therapy or leave. You and the kids do not need to live that way. Something is clearly bothering him. Maybe its depression, maybe its cheating, we don't know, and neither do you. But you do know that his behavior is different, and scary. Get him to talk to someone, because its unlikely to get better on its own. His standard "I'm fine." needs to be rejected. He's not.
 

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Maybe its about a loss of control. He is the man and he has not control over his own situation or his own wife. Not saying this is a good attitude but, it is ingrained in American men from a very early age. He stays home and you are out there building a life. What are the plans for his future? His dreams?

Again I am not saying the melt down was appropriate but it certainly is a symptom of something much bigger.
 

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He's depressed about being a SAHD. Many, many men can't handle it. Not because they're weak, but because of society's expectations for men to provide and also because of our DNA (for the man to go out and achieve things). I would really recommend looking for an alternative. At the very least, he needs a part time job so he can get out and be with other adults.
 

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I think he's depressed about being a SAHD too. Heck even I get depressed about being a homemaker sometimes and society is more accepting of women doing it than men. I have support, friends, mommy groups, etc. and he has nothing. Where does he go when he's going nuts from being cooped up all day with kids? Who does he complain to? Nobody hence why he explodes.

Add to this the fact that he's in a new area too - that can't help.

He needs to get out and be with other adults. Either a part time job, a hobby, something.
 

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How long has he been SAHD? Does he have any job skills outside the home? I like the suggestion for him to find a hobby but how is that fair to you work /school/kids/pick up slack of housework , while he is off with a relaxing hobby? I really don't have a suggestion just try and get him to be open with his feelings .Good luck.
 

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...being a SAHM is hard - but there's a ton of support networks, et cetera.
...being a SAHD is worse. And, you get to cope with people expecting you to work.

...many of the moms in our area work or volunteer even though they make less than the childcare costs.

If your husband doesn't have the internal self-regulation to get stuff done at home or can't stand violating societal expectations, all of you will probably be better off if he either gets a job or starts volunteering. Frankly, our children have been in full-time childcare since 18 mo, and I'd start them sooner next time - even though my wife is a SAHM.

Children do fine with childcare - they do less well while being cared for by a depressed, irrational parent.

He sounds depressed. Albeit, the phone thing is a bit odd, so there might be a secondary issue. I'd suggest dealing with the big lifestyle issue first.

--Argyle
 
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