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Been with my husband for 21 years now. We have had our ups and downs. He is selfish sadly and I didn’t help that much. Always did everything for him even put the food on his plate and brought it to him. But any how. We split up about 5 years for a few months I got fed up. In the time apart he met this girl and dated for 3 months. He left her and we got back together.
In the past few years he had talked to her on text messages and the smile he would get was huge and be all giddy. He sent her messages about how she is messing with his head in a good way, how she brought out the best in him, how beautiful she is over and over again. He doesn’t do anything for me really. I turned 40 and I was lucky to get a happy birthday out of him.

How do I take that? He swears he has no feelings for her but my gut is screaming he does. Should I walk away?
 

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(Female here) He is in at least an emotional affair with her. Read about EAs and have him do same. If you wish to stay, I would insist on him making a choice: no contact with her or divorce. If you stay, y'all need to seriously work on the marriage...
 

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Re: Ugh!! I’m lost and need a guys point of view

Happy Birthday!!!!!! :)

Yes, he does have feelings for her. Maybe it's just flirty feelings, but it's inappropriate regardless. Getting him to cut contact with her is not an insurmountable problem, but it is a lot of work and you'll have to put a lot of pressure on him. But then even if she magically disappears tomorrow and his memory of her is erased, do you want to be married to this man specifically? Does he make you happy and you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Or is he just filling a generic "husband" role in your life?
 

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Re: Ugh!! I’m lost and need a guys point of view

Been with my husband for 21 years now. We have had our ups and downs. He is selfish sadly and I didn’t help that much. Always did everything for him even put the food on his plate and brought it to him. But any how. We split up about 5 years for a few months I got fed up. In the time apart he met this girl and dated for 3 months. He left her and we got back together.
In the past few years he had talked to her on text messages and the smile he would get was huge and be all giddy. He sent her messages about how she is messing with his head in a good way, how she brought out the best in him, how beautiful she is over and over again. He doesn’t do anything for me really. I turned 40 and I was lucky to get a happy birthday out of him.

How do I take that? He swears he has no feelings for her but my gut is screaming he does. Should I walk away?
Let her have his useless ass.
 

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Re: Ugh!! I’m lost and need a guys point of view

Been with my husband for 21 years now. We have had our ups and downs. He is selfish sadly and I didn’t help that much. Always did everything for him even put the food on his plate and brought it to him. But any how. We split up about 5 years for a few months I got fed up. In the time apart he met this girl and dated for 3 months. He left her and we got back together.
In the past few years he had talked to her on text messages and the smile he would get was huge and be all giddy. He sent her messages about how she is messing with his head in a good way, how she brought out the best in him, how beautiful she is over and over again. He doesn’t do anything for me really. I turned 40 and I was lucky to get a happy birthday out of him.

How do I take that? He swears he has no feelings for her but my gut is screaming he does. Should I walk away?
Yes you should. But not just for the girl, emotional affair or not. Although it is part of it.

You spoilt him, and he never repaid that back to you, like he should have. Not because he owed you, but because he should have been in love with you and wanted to make you happy.

Also, lets be frank we are only getting your side of the story, and I am sure you are not perfect either.

And lets also be frank, you probably should have had the courage to leave 5 years ago.

I think he has lost interest in you, the relationship, and the marriage as a whole, and you put up with that.

Not blaming you, alone, I am saying that both of you for letting the the marriage get away from you.

So why not just end it? Do you think you are able to build back that love and desire that you once had for him? Is he capable of doing that as well?

If not, good grief, you are 40, you can find someone else to be with, why stay in a situation like this?
 

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Since trust is the primary foundation for any relationship, it sounds to me like professional counseling is in order. Not sure random opinions from people online will help at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I am not perfect at all. I do try my hardest to show I care and love him though.


I was reading as everyone suggested about emotional affair. Will he ever get over this girl? Or will she always be in his head?
 

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Re: Ugh!! I’m lost and need a guys point of view

I am not perfect at all. I do try my hardest to show I care and love him though.


I was reading as everyone suggested about emotional affair. Will he ever get over this girl? Or will she always be in his head?
He's never going to get over her while he's still communicating with her.
 

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It sounds like you have two concerns, that he might have feelings for this woman, and that he doesn't appreciate you much.

If the first one went away(e.g. she cut off contact), how would you feel about the second? Would you still want to stay w/ him, or not?
 

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Re: Ugh!! I’m lost and need a guys point of view

Should I walk away?
So you're only 40 and have been this guy's mommy/wife, doing everything to cater to him but chewing his food for him, for years. And as is usually the case when women live to serve selfish, entitled men hand and foot while getting nothing in return, the resentment continually builds until she eventually blows. And you finally, understandably blew.

It was at that time your selfish husband could have done a little self introspection and realized that maybe he'd been taking advantage of you for years and taking you for granted, and tried to change some of his selfish ways because he didn't want to lose you. But no, he didn't do that at all. Instead, Mr. Self-Entitled chose to start dating someone else because he's incapable of being alone and tying his own shoes. Why on EARTH you went back to him remains a mystery to me because quite honestly, he sounds like the same selfish prick he's always been.

Except NOW, he's a sneaky, selfish prick still giddily involved with the woman he was dating before he came back to his mommy/wife (you) to once again be waited on hand and foot. And now, he's got an even BETTER deal because he gets to be catered to by you - again - while he conducts his romance right under your nose. He's quite a catch, this guy.

The level of complete disrespect and disregard he's had for you for too long and right up to this very minute is astounding. Do you honestly need to be told what a waste of skin this fool is?

You were SO wise and left him once, you mistake was taking him back. Leave him again but THIS time, keep him in your rear-view mirror. And use this as a lesson - never give more than you're getting or you'll always be taken for granted.
 

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Re: Ugh!! I’m lost and need a guys point of view

So you're only 40 and have been this guy's mommy/wife, doing everything to cater to him but chewing his food for him, for years. And as is usually the case when women live to serve selfish, entitled men hand and foot while getting nothing in return, the resentment continually builds until she eventually blows. And you finally, understandably blew.

It was at that time your selfish husband could have done a little self introspection and realized that maybe he'd been taking advantage of you for years and taking you for granted, and tried to change some of his selfish ways because he didn't want to lose you. But no, he didn't do that at all. Instead, Mr. Self-Entitled chose to start dating someone else because he's incapable of being alone and tying his own shoes. Why on EARTH you went back to him remains a mystery to me because quite honestly, he sounds like the same selfish prick he's always been.

Except NOW, he's a sneaky, selfish prick still giddily involved with the woman he was dating before he came back to his mommy/wife (you) to once again be waited on hand and foot. And now, he's got an even BETTER deal because he gets to be catered to by you - again - while he conducts his romance right under your nose. He's quite a catch, this guy.

The level of complete disrespect and disregard he's had for you for too long and right up to this very minute is astounding. Do you honestly need to be told what a waste of skin this fool is?

You were SO wise and left him once, you mistake was taking him back. Leave him again but THIS time, keep him in your rear-view mirror. And use this as a lesson - never give more than you're getting or you'll always be taken for granted.
You don't need a man's point of view - listen to She'sStillGotIt
 

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Re: Ugh!! I’m lost and need a guys point of view

I am not perfect at all. I do try my hardest to show I care and love him though.

I was reading as everyone suggested about emotional affair. Will he ever get over this girl? Or will she always be in his head?
Why are you not seeing the appalling DISRESPECT being shoved down your throat, here?

You're running around doing the "Pick Me!" dance hoping and praying this selfish jerk will 'get over' the woman he chose to date during your separation instead of wondering why he wasn't using that time to better himself for YOU. He didn't use that time away from you to work on himself, he used it to have FUN until he came back to his mommy/wife a few months later because life is easier when you're catering to him! I think he also decided to come back because he didn't want to split up half his assets, so of course he came back home. But not for the right reasons.

It's PAINFULLY clear he didn't come back out of love for you or respect for you. He's still the same selfish, self-entitled, self-absorbed douche bag he's always been from the sounds of it. Except now, he's all giddy over some woman he was dating and obviously didn't want to give up after coming back to you for his own selfish reasons. I don't think being 'in love' with you was one of those reasons, however. Familiarity, history, security, financial security, having everything done for him again so he doesn't have to do it himself - those are the primary reasons he came back. And most of them are SELFISH reasons. Big surprise.


When someone shows you who they ARE, you need to believe them. He's shown you more times than you can count exactly who he is. He's unbelievably selfish and has put you and your marriage at the bottom of his priority list - while still expecting you to cater to him, of course - while he continues romancing the woman he met during your separation. And you keep wringing your hands and gnashing your teeth, running around in a panic trying to get him to stop having feelings for her instead of seeing the REAL picture. And the REAL picture is that he's doing exactly what he WANTS to be doing and that he obviously places his feelings for her higher in priority than his marriage to you.

Like it or not, that's your reality.

What on earth are you so afraid of LOSING by leaving this ass-clown? Someone who has continually taken advantage of you for YEARS and who can't even show you the respect you deserve on your milestone 40th birthday because he's too busy letting you wash his dirty laundry and cook his dinner while he romances his other woman? Because that's who you're crying about and desperately hoping will 'pick' you as though he's some kind of prize you're hoping to win.

Seriously, stand back and look at the BIG picture here.
 

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I am not perfect at all. I do try my hardest to show I care and love him though.

I was reading as everyone suggested about emotional affair. Will he ever get over this girl? Or will she always be in his head?
He might get over her or he might not. However, he will most likely never get over her as long as he continues contact with her. She strokes his ego. He likes that.

Get the book "Not Just Friends". Read it. Then tell him to read it. And tell him that he has to stop all contact with her and you two go to marriage counseling, or you are done.

You are married to a mean, self centered man. If you can, also get into individual counseling so that you can learn to stand up for yourself.
 
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