Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My fiancee and I are technically married. We did our court ceremony a few months ago, but we have big wedding ceremony/reception in two weeks. Since we got engaged, we've been fighting constantly and the fights have been getting worse. I have more of a passive personality and I avoid conflict like it's the plague, while my fiancee wears her emotions on her sleeves, and she fights with everyone. There isn't a week that goes by without her having an issue with her friends, her mom, her co-worker, someone walking down the street, etc. The slightest thing can trigger her worse temper. We've had several bad fights already where divorce has been brought up. There have been two instances that during our fight, she threatened to cancel the wedding and get a divorce. It even went to the point where she told both her parents about it and she was in the process of getting our deposits back from our vendors.

Most of the time, I have to dispell her temper tantrums, and it takes everything out of me to dispell her. Within hours, she's back to normal. I do love her, but her temper tandrums are putting a huge toll on me, and the constant fighting is making me depressed. My love for her is waning and our intimacy has waned as well. It's coming to the point that I think of divorcing her all the time, and I'm constantly doing research online as to how to divorce her. We definitely want kids, but I'm scared to death that having kids is going to make matters way, way worse.

I'm willing to exhaust all our options for the sake of our marriage, but I'm not entirely confident of our relationship. I fantasize of divorcing her way too often. I don't want to wait until I have kids with her to find out that I should've divorced her sooner, and I don't want to bring another human being into this world with divorced parents.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be helpful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,014 Posts
Do you have an expectation that she will "get better" over time? She won't. She will get worse.

You have a choice to make. It seems crystal clear to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,186 Posts
My fiancee and I are technically married. We did our court ceremony a few months ago, but we have big wedding ceremony/reception in two weeks. Since we got engaged, we've been fighting constantly and the fights have been getting worse. I have more of a passive personality and I avoid conflict like it's the plague, while my fiancee wears her emotions on her sleeves, and she fights with everyone. There isn't a week that goes by without her having an issue with her friends, her mom, her co-worker, someone walking down the street, etc. The slightest thing can trigger her worse temper. We've had several bad fights already where divorce has been brought up. There have been two instances that during our fight, she threatened to cancel the wedding and get a divorce. It even went to the point where she told both her parents about it and she was in the process of getting our deposits back from our vendors.

Most of the time, I have to dispell her temper tantrums, and it takes everything out of me to dispell her. Within hours, she's back to normal. I do love her, but her temper tandrums are putting a huge toll on me, and the constant fighting is making me depressed. My love for her is waning and our intimacy has waned as well. It's coming to the point that I think of divorcing her all the time, and I'm constantly doing research online as to how to divorce her. We definitely want kids, but I'm scared to death that having kids is going to make matters way, way worse.

I'm willing to exhaust all our options for the sake of our marriage, but I'm not entirely confident of our relationship. I fantasize of divorcing her way too often. I don't want to wait until I have kids with her to find out that I should've divorced her sooner, and I don't want to bring another human being into this world with divorced parents.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be helpful.
You seriously what to have kids with this woman?

Would it be safe for the baby, is there a chance she might shake the baby to hard one day?

Hate to put it so bluntly but it happens everyday.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,583 Posts
My fiancee and I are technically married. We did our court ceremony a few months ago, but we have big wedding ceremony/reception in two weeks. Since we got engaged, we've been fighting constantly and the fights have been getting worse. I have more of a passive personality and I avoid conflict like it's the plague, while my fiancee wears her emotions on her sleeves, and she fights with everyone. There isn't a week that goes by without her having an issue with her friends, her mom, her co-worker, someone walking down the street, etc. The slightest thing can trigger her worse temper. We've had several bad fights already where divorce has been brought up. There have been two instances that during our fight, she threatened to cancel the wedding and get a divorce. It even went to the point where she told both her parents about it and she was in the process of getting our deposits back from our vendors.

Most of the time, I have to dispell her temper tantrums, and it takes everything out of me to dispell her. Within hours, she's back to normal. I do love her, but her temper tandrums are putting a huge toll on me, and the constant fighting is making me depressed. My love for her is waning and our intimacy has waned as well. It's coming to the point that I think of divorcing her all the time, and I'm constantly doing research online as to how to divorce her. We definitely want kids, but I'm scared to death that having kids is going to make matters way, way worse.

I'm willing to exhaust all our options for the sake of our marriage, but I'm not entirely confident of our relationship. I fantasize of divorcing her way too often. I don't want to wait until I have kids with her to find out that I should've divorced her sooner, and I don't want to bring another human being into this world with divorced parents.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be helpful.
Get out while the "getting is good!"

You're getting an educational free sample of what life is going to be like with a controlling witch like your W!

Pay off your debts and walk away a free man from a literal one-way ticket to Hell!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,910 Posts
JayChey, I agree with the other respondents that you're describing behavior that is alarming because it is so immature and unstable. If you are not yet willing to divorce your W, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you (and your future children) will be dealing with if you remain wedded to this woman.

I am suggesting this action because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting that your W necessarily has full-blown BPD but, instead, that she might exhibit strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good divorce attorney -- or, alternatively, for a good psychologist -- you take a quick look my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, JayChey.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
523 Posts
Jaychay, it won't get better and everything you try to make it better, she will resent.

If you're conflict avoidant then there's a problem, ................................ Divorce, annul, separate.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,364 Posts
Boundaries may be unenforcible at the stage of raw reactionary anger but well worth considering.

What happens in a tug of war when you let go of the rope?

There is no advice to how you can control your wife's anger, because you can't. Unless she can figure out the impulse trigger through anger management or even medication, you are always going to be in the blast radius throughout your relationship.

If she is threatening to end the marriage then let her, then step back and breathe deeply.... only she can satisfy her individual happiness because if you stay, you will be just another casualty of indiscriminate outbursts when she fear that loss of control (whatever control that may feed the need at the time).

I would put a hold and collect refunds for the reception until this is either on a path of improvement, or simply cancelled for the sanity of what you can control.

@Uptown is wise in understanding how this kicks... please listen to his guidance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
I'm glad you mentioned "triggers" because every time her temper flares us and I ask why she does that, she always says "you trigger me." I'm a rational thinker and the more rational I am, the more anger she gets since she's a very emotional person. The triggers for her is everywhere and it's so unpredictable. If she senses any type of attitude from me, even if she misinterprets it, it's a trigger for her anger. If I didn't say "I Love You" in a certain way, it's a trigger, if I didn't hold her tight enough, it's a trigger. I can't pinpoint them to prevent them, it's all how she feels at that moment. If I confront her about a situation that I'm unhappy about, she pulls out other factors like she's "so stressed at work" and "it's that time of the month." I feel like I have no choice but to bottle it up. If I say what I think, she blows up. If I hold it in, it festers.

If I reason with her calmly, she gets angry, if I yell back and stand up for myself, it gets even worse. Even if I throw in the towel and submit to her, she get angry because she says I'm going to resent her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
434 Posts
I would look deeper into this and follow Uptown's advice. Sounds very difficult.

I would also postpone the reception since things are on such thin ice right now.

An annulment is something to consider here. Sorry.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,265 Posts
I also say get an annulment pronto.

You don't just throw around the threat of divorce like she does. Call her bluff.

She does sound like she may have a PD.

How long were you dating before you got married?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Openminded

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,345 Posts
I ended my wedding ~3 weeks before it was to happen. The date was 9/3. Don't be afraid to join the club! But I didn't get actually married before, thank god! Definitely serve her divorce papers if she goes off again. But give her an advanced warning, you aren't going to tolerate an unstable wife for the rest of your life. You'll end up killing yourself, killing her, or kill the both of you. I'm sure the thoughts have already crossed your mind, been there done that!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,910 Posts
I have to dispell her temper tantrums, and it takes everything out of me to dispell her. Within hours, she's back to normal.
BPDer temper tantrums typically last 4 to 5 hours. If your W actually is a BPDer (i.e., has strong symptoms), her emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a four year old because she never had the opportunity in early childhood to acquire the skills needed to regulate her own emotions.

A BPDer therefore needs several years of therapy (at least) to learn how to do self soothing; how to regulate her own emotions; how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts"; how to trust others; how to be "mindful" (i.e., to remain in the room instead of escaping in daydreams to the past or future); how to perceive "object constancy" (i.e., to see that your personality is essentially unchanged day to day); and how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate strong mixed feelings, uncertainties, ambiguities, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

The current theory is that, when a child experiences a serious trauma before age five, she may feel so threatened that she keeps a death grip on the primitive ego defenses that young children rely on for survival. These primitive defenses include denial, projection, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums. The child is so fully reliant on those defenses to survive childhood that she is afraid to let go long enough to replace them with the more mature ego defenses that other children acquire.

We definitely want kids.
I agree with you that having kids almost certainly would make the fighting worse. Moreover, if your W is a BPDer, there is some risk she will pass the problem onto her child because BPD is believed to arise from heredity and childhood environment. It is unclear how high that risk is because only a few studies (all with small sample sizes) have been done. Three older studies (1985 and 1988) found that "between 10 and 20 percent of first-degree relatives of people with BPD also have BPD...." See BPD Survival Guide (at p. 42).

A more recent 2011 study, however, estimates the risk at between 28% and 37%. It therefore concludes that "An individual with a first-degree relative showing BPD exhibited a statistically significant 3- to 4-fold increase in risk of BPD compared with an individual without a first-degree relative with BPD." See "Comment" section of BPD Family Study. Whereas the earlier studies had been based on self-reporting by the BPDer patient being treated, this 2011 study was based on interviews of both the BPDer patients and their affected family members.

The NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) reports an even higher figure. It states "BPD is about five times more common among people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder." See NAMI on BPD. Given that the lifetime incidence is 6% for the general population, this estimate would place the risk at 30%.

I'm glad you mentioned "triggers" because every time her temper flares us and I ask why she does that, she always says "you trigger me."
If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds.

The problem is not due to a lack of simple communication skills. Rather, it is due to the position of a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the other fear -- because you are drawing closer to the other end of that same spectrum.

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,186 Posts
I know you are still in love with her or you would have filed for divorce already.

Try to get her the see a counselor for her anger issues. If she refuses then you have a choice to make.

Stay with here and have her going off on you all the time.

File for divorce.

Sorry it has turned out this way.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top