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Many thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice on my situation..
A few months ago I got married to a woman who's been in my life for many years. We'll call her "Jane". We had dated on and off, had a couple of false starts going down the marriage road, and finally took the plunge earlier this year. Jane's a great gal; there's no one else in the world I'm as comfortable around, and she's very confident and secure in herself. She's also very mothering, sometimes a bit too much, as in she'll call to make sure I'm in a safe hotel when working on the road, makes sure I'm eating right, sleeping enough, etc. I lost my mother when I was young and in some ways I think she appeals to me psychologically as a surrogate mother.
When I say we're perfectly comfortable around each other, I mean we can do things like sit in the same room together or in a car on a road trip for hours and not say anything to each other - and not in the slightest worry that "something's wrong". But it's a double-edged sword because many times we *do* hang around each other and say nothing, and I feel it's because we're fundamentally interested in different things. In terms of how we like to spend our time, where we'd want to go on vacation, the things we're passionate talking about.. we're simply on different pages. I feel like Jane and I love each other unconditionally, but we have nothing to really say to each other.
Now for the other lady. We'll call her "Liz". She's someone I've known for a while also, but not for as long as my wife. I first met Liz at work several years ago. We were going down the dating road, but had to put it on ice once I got back together with my now-wife. We stayed friends, but didn't see each other much. Now I've run into her again, and we're spending time together on the side and doing a lot of talking. Liz is the complete opposite to my wife Jane. She's fundamentally insecure with self-esteem issues. She says she feels happier and more confident in herself when she's with me, that I bring out the best in her. And I do believe that's true. We love talking to each other. Liz loves to listen to the things I'm passionate about and vice versa. I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary) And this may sound weird, but the fact she often says that "she needs me" doesn't make me want to run away from her clinginess, but actually brings out some protective instinct in me, and I feel closer to her. In some ways, I feel like if we were married, *I* would be the surrogate parent to *her*.
And the final consideration is physical. My wife Jane is very classically attractive (tall thin blonde) but because we don't share much of a mental connection, my interest in the bedroom has long been waning. It's been many years since we had good sex (only happened when we were first dating). I doubt this will change anytime soon. On the other hand, I'm very physically attracted to Liz, mostly because we do share such a connection, and this has consistently been the case ever since we dated briefly many years ago. Liz isn't nearly as conventionally attractive, but I physically desire her much more.
So that's where I am. I feel like Jane is my unconditional best friend and security blanket. But Liz is the person I most want to do "husband and wife" things with. A divorce would be devastating to Jane. But I want to do what's right. Any ideas?
A few months ago I got married to a woman who's been in my life for many years. We'll call her "Jane". We had dated on and off, had a couple of false starts going down the marriage road, and finally took the plunge earlier this year. Jane's a great gal; there's no one else in the world I'm as comfortable around, and she's very confident and secure in herself. She's also very mothering, sometimes a bit too much, as in she'll call to make sure I'm in a safe hotel when working on the road, makes sure I'm eating right, sleeping enough, etc. I lost my mother when I was young and in some ways I think she appeals to me psychologically as a surrogate mother.
When I say we're perfectly comfortable around each other, I mean we can do things like sit in the same room together or in a car on a road trip for hours and not say anything to each other - and not in the slightest worry that "something's wrong". But it's a double-edged sword because many times we *do* hang around each other and say nothing, and I feel it's because we're fundamentally interested in different things. In terms of how we like to spend our time, where we'd want to go on vacation, the things we're passionate talking about.. we're simply on different pages. I feel like Jane and I love each other unconditionally, but we have nothing to really say to each other.
Now for the other lady. We'll call her "Liz". She's someone I've known for a while also, but not for as long as my wife. I first met Liz at work several years ago. We were going down the dating road, but had to put it on ice once I got back together with my now-wife. We stayed friends, but didn't see each other much. Now I've run into her again, and we're spending time together on the side and doing a lot of talking. Liz is the complete opposite to my wife Jane. She's fundamentally insecure with self-esteem issues. She says she feels happier and more confident in herself when she's with me, that I bring out the best in her. And I do believe that's true. We love talking to each other. Liz loves to listen to the things I'm passionate about and vice versa. I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary) And this may sound weird, but the fact she often says that "she needs me" doesn't make me want to run away from her clinginess, but actually brings out some protective instinct in me, and I feel closer to her. In some ways, I feel like if we were married, *I* would be the surrogate parent to *her*.
And the final consideration is physical. My wife Jane is very classically attractive (tall thin blonde) but because we don't share much of a mental connection, my interest in the bedroom has long been waning. It's been many years since we had good sex (only happened when we were first dating). I doubt this will change anytime soon. On the other hand, I'm very physically attracted to Liz, mostly because we do share such a connection, and this has consistently been the case ever since we dated briefly many years ago. Liz isn't nearly as conventionally attractive, but I physically desire her much more.
So that's where I am. I feel like Jane is my unconditional best friend and security blanket. But Liz is the person I most want to do "husband and wife" things with. A divorce would be devastating to Jane. But I want to do what's right. Any ideas?
