Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 23 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I think I put way too much personal info on here and now it's snowballing. It's not that I didn't want replies, but now I'm starting to run into having to tell too much and I don't feel comfortable to do that. So, sorry for screwing up this thread and I mean it sincerely that I appreciate all the replies, but I think I shouldn't have started this in a public forum. Seriously, thank you and I appreciate the replies. The reason I made a 'secret' user name was to try to be as private as possible and still share, but now it's getting too far for me. Sorry.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
7,548 Posts
Hi PUP,

You don't mention any children.

If there are no children be very careful not to get pregnant at the moment.

I take it the OW is not married?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I think I put way too much personal info on here and now it's snowballing. It's not that I didn't want replies, but now I'm starting to run into having to tell too much and I don't feel comfortable to do that. So, sorry for screwing up this thread and I mean it sincerely that I appreciate all the replies, but I think I shouldn't have started this in a public forum. Seriously, thank you and I appreciate the replies. The reason I made a 'secret' user name was to try to be as private as possible and still share, but now it's getting too far for me. Sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,946 Posts
Sorry for the pain you're going through OP.Why do you accept being alone and isolated in a foreign land waiting for a cake eating husband to make up his selfish mind.I know you said you're totally dependent on him,but what happens to you if he does decide to move with the OW? Where will you go then? Do you have family and friends in your home country and if so why not return there?Saying a prayer that you find some relief from your despair.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jj123456

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
I think I put way too much personal info on here and now it's snowballing. It's not that I didn't want replies, but now I'm starting to run into having to tell too much and I don't feel comfortable to do that. So, sorry for screwing up this thread and I mean it sincerely that I appreciate all the replies, but I think I shouldn't have started this in a public forum. Seriously, thank you and I appreciate the replies. The reason I made a 'secret' user name was to try to be as private as possible and still share, but now it's getting too far for me. Sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
970 Posts
PUP, you need to understand that not eating and taking care of yourself will only make you that much more weak to tackle a situation that requires a lot of mental fortitude. As such my first advice would be to take care of yourself.

read this
The Healing Heart: The 180
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
97 Posts
Hi Pup I think i would be inclined to go back to where you have friends and family for support and help just because you claim you are totally dependent on him money wise but it does not stop you from making plans for your self and your future it strikes me that he may well move in with the OW and leave you high and dry with nothing also if you go back it might just shock him into seeing sense and realised what he has lost or losing so ask him to pay for your ticket back and wait and see if he comes to his senses you have a chance to build on the relationship if not you will know where you stand and will be in the comfort of friends in the mean time get a STD check i am so sorry and understand where you are now i wish you the very best of luck and good fortune
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
PUP, you need to understand that not eating and taking care of yourself will only make you that much more weak to tackle a situation that requires a lot of mental fortitude. As such my first advice would be to take care of yourself.

read this
The Healing Heart: The 180
Hi Bjorn.... last year when I first found out, I did keep eating and exercising. The only thing I couldn't do was sleep. This is the first time I got to the point of not eating or working out. I'm eating a little today. And you are 100% right that if I don't it's going to make everything worse. Thanks for the link, I'll check it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
I think I put way too much personal info on here and now it's snowballing. It's not that I didn't want replies, but now I'm starting to run into having to tell too much and I don't feel comfortable to do that. So, sorry for screwing up this thread and I mean it sincerely that I appreciate all the replies, but I think I shouldn't have started this in a public forum. Seriously, thank you and I appreciate the replies. The reason I made a 'secret' user name was to try to be as private as possible and still share, but now it's getting too far for me. Sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
97 Posts
Hi Pup we all cannot help falling in love it is one of the best things in life also one of the most painful things i loved being in love with someone and i still am although we parted a while back and no chance of getting back with her but i had to make a choice it was and is still painful but it had to be made so if you think you can make it work go for it and enjoy it and i sincerely hope it works out for you i wish you all the best
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
He is cake eating, and until you refuse to et him do it, he will choose to keep doing it. He has no reason other than guilt or morals to stop cheating, but he's gotten past both of those in his own head long ago, and since you've not left or kicked him out or done anything except turn the suffering in on yourself, he has had no motivation to stop.

Let's get sonething out of the way first: he does not love you, he does not respect you. I know this because if either were true, he would not be cheating and hurting you like he is.

Oh, he may not be ready to leave you and put you out on the street, but I think that's out of him not wanting to give up any of things he owns. He doesnt keep them out of love or desire for them, he keeps them out of a sense of possession, and that leaving you would be fully admitting that he actually is bad person.

You've built yourself a prison that you have locked yourself into. This happened when you chose to stay and put up with his cheating. And each day you don't act to protect yourself, and dont stop playing along, you add to your prison sentence.

You have convinced yourself that you have no option, but to let him continue.

But that isn't true.

First money. Can you access money to live on? You said long term alimony would be there, so what you needs short term funds. Can you get money from family? Can you take out cash advances on joint credit cards? Can you buy gift cards on the joint credit cards?

Second, exposure. Have you tried exposing his cheating to friends, family, and coworkers? Have you exposed her cheating to her side?

She smokes pot every day, that's still illegal most places, and especially not ok with employers. Have you considered reporting her to the police? Have you considered reporting her drug habit to her employer?

Third. Why does your husband have a warm bed with you to come home to? Why are his clothes cleaned, and meals hot? You think miss pot head is going to do that for him? Nope. So cut those things off right now.

And stop defending him and saying he isn't a bad person. Because yes he is. The difference between a good and bad person is how we treat our family and loved ones. He is treating you with disreoect and callous indifference to the toll his cheating is taking on you. Sorry, but those are the actions of a bad person. A bad person who is selfish and cruel,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
I wish I could give the whole story but there's too much personal detail about some things that I'm not comfortable to share in public or even in private that would explain a lot. Not excuse it, but explain it. I'm not living in the US and I have no idea if pot's legal here - I'm pretty sure it's tolerated, but I'm about as far removed from the drug culture as one can be. Even if it's not legal, I wouldn't turn that person in. It won't help. He might even feel so sorry for them that it would just backfire in my face. One thing I know is that he's not a bad person. His actions are definitely not ok and I know it. And yes, cruel. But he wasn't always like that. Well, again too much to explain and no, that part wasn't my fault. But yeah, if he chooses to keep seeing her, we're going our separate ways. You're right about needing to do that and it's what's going to happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #15 (Edited)
I think I put way too much personal info on here and now it's snowballing. It's not that I didn't want replies, but now I'm starting to run into having to tell too much and I don't feel comfortable to do that. So, sorry for screwing up this thread and I mean it sincerely that I appreciate all the replies, but I think I shouldn't have started this in a public forum. Seriously, thank you and I appreciate the replies. The reason I made a 'secret' user name was to try to be as private as possible and still share, but now it's getting too far for me. Sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
I cannot begin to imagine the pain the last year has put upon you. I am sorry you are here. You deserve to be treated much better than this. You also deserved not to do this to yourself.

You want him. I think you are nuts but, hey, I am seriously bent myself so I shall refrain from stone throwing.

You have only one chance, and I do mean, only one. If you don't take it now, before you allow him to decide your fate, you won't get a second chance.

1. Expose the affair. First you expose to his OW (other woman). Then to his entire family, whether you think they care or not. His work, whether they think you are crazy or not. Remember, all is fair in love and war.

2. STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. If you were my friend, I would slap the **** out of you.

3. STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HIM. Tell him that while you love him, you just realized that you deserve a husband that has only one love. (Did I mention, that if you were my friend, I would shake you until you came to your senses?)

4. Start figuring out an exit plan. If you plan on returning to the States if he chooses her, get on it. If you plan on staying where you are, start making a plan where you can take care of yourself (go for alimony of course but you still need to start the road to independence). If you are going to stay where you are, put all effort into learning the language! WTF is wrong with you? Do you like to feel lonely? /smack

5. Stick to your plan. Back up your words.

You allowed him to do this to you. You have no one but yourself to blame. I do not say that to mean he has no responsibility in the matter, of course he does, but when it comes down to you being in this situation for so long, you are not the victim, you actively volunteered for this crap.

Personally, if I were you, I would run. I would go back home and salvage what is left of myself and my soul. The lack of responses to your thread is an indicator that we can all see the great pain you have placed yourself in and we don't want to kick a person when they are already down. Most of us, however, have the need to blast your thought processes out of the water so we say nothing at all.

One last thing, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Oh, and about that. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I had some medical problems and a nervous breakdown and lost the little income I had.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
One more thing...

You are not alone. Many of us have done this to ourselves. Most haven't but you are just one of many that have dealt with infidelity like this.

I know you are afraid, that you are older and that this is all you will ever have. Really think about that...is this what you want, to be discarded? You would you really rather take what you can get from him like this for the rest of your life?

I know a man, a good and kind man, that was married for almost forty years. His wife was a ***** to say the least. He stuck it through. When his wife passed away, he was 75. In two years he met a woman that he said was the love of his life. He was given the gift of five years with her before she passed away. That man is now approaching his 91st birthday. He has a girlfriend and a good life, a loving family but when he and I speak he still says that those five years of his life were the best he ever had.

If the best years of your life can happen in your seventies, you are never to old for good things to happen. The thing with you is, you have to be good to yourself first.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Ok, I hope this shows up at the bottom of the thread....anyway, I really apologize for messing up the boards by editing the whole thread, but things are getting way far out of my comfort zone. I didn't think it through that I'd probably have to give more detail than I gave at the beginning to make any of this make the smallest bit of sense. Not excusing it, but unless I say some things that I'm not comfortable to say, it's just going to get worse. I mean people really wanting to help and feeling frustrated that I'm not getting it. I didn't do this on purpose. Just didn't think clearly to begin with. Thank you for replying and I've taken everything everyone says to heart. If I don't feel too embarrassed to come back, I'll come back and post what happens. It's only a matter of weeks. Then, I'll either be on my own or not. Again, sorry for messing up the thread.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Ok, I hope this shows up at the bottom of the thread....anyway, I really apologize for messing up the boards by editing the whole thread, but things are getting way far out of my comfort zone. I didn't think it through that I'd probably have to give more detail than I gave at the beginning to make any of this make the smallest bit of sense. Not excusing it, but unless I say some things that I'm not comfortable to say, it's just going to get worse. I mean people really wanting to help and feeling frustrated that I'm not getting it. I didn't do this on purpose. Just didn't think clearly to begin with. Thank you for replying and I've taken everything everyone says to heart. If I don't feel too embarrassed to come back, I'll come back and post what happens. It's only a matter of weeks. Then, I'll either be on my own or not. Again, sorry for messing up the thread.
You so need a good friend.

Stop lying to yourself. No one here knows you. I am taking a guess your real name isn't Picking Up The Pieces. I seriously doubt your home is located at talkaboutmarriage.com.

You don't want to hear it. You have been allowing yourself to be treated as sloppy seconds for a year and you are trying to tell me that posting here makes you uncomfortable? Not. Buying. It.

You want a life you can be proud of. Do you want to look in the mirror and actually not want to die? Get help. Seek wisdom. Here. Or somewhere else.

But if you allow that pos man to decide what it is YOU are going to do for the rest of your life...my heart breaks for you.

Am I pissing you off? I hope so because that means there is still something normal left in you from after what he has done to you. Grab it. Yell at me. Do whatever but don't put that piece of normal down....you don't have many left I fear.

I am rooting for you. I want you to be okay. SERIOUSLY. A total stranger is going to be thinking about you all day hoping you can find the strength to love yourself.

*hugs*
 
1 - 20 of 23 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top