Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Here's the back story

Well... I have known my husband since I was 15. We met in high school and were friends for years (never "together"). We stopped talking after high school, went our separate ways for a while and then began talking again when we were 20. I just had been cheated on by my fiance, and he left me and moved to another city and I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. So my now husband pretty much chased me for five months trying to get me to date him, which I eventually did. He had never physically dated another person (just one relationship online with someone in Canada, thousands of miles away and never meeting). We dated less than a year, got engaged, and two months later we were pregnant. So we went ahead and moved up the wedding. We had our beautiful little boy, who just now turned two. A few months after our son was born, right about when I was getting back into my own clothes and taking care of myself again, I caught him applying to dating websites, affair websites, and talking to his ex in Canada telling her to come visit him, ect. and flirting, exchanging pics. We had a huge fight, but I didn't leave because of our son and my love for my husband. I told him if it happened again I would take our son and leave. He said it wouldn't happen again, I witnessed him telling his ex he had feelings for her that weren't appropriate while he was married and he could no longer talk to her. I was satisfied - mostly. I did put a keylogger on his computer for a few months, which turned up nothing so I took it off.

When I found this out we had been trying to get pregnant for a while, but I had just had a miscarriage so we had decided not to try any more for a couple months to let me heal emotionally and physically. Well, lo and behold... don't want a baby anymore and suddenly I get pregnant again literally the month after this happens. Come to find out, it was twins. Everything seemed excellent during the pregnancy, it was very hard on me and I was high risk so we couldn't be intimate for about 7 months. I ended up going to 39 weeks (most twins make it to 36 or so, and I only went into labor because the doctors made me go into labor... whole different story).

So now we have five month old twin girls, and a two year old boy. I'm a stay at home mom who also runs an at home business, and he works at a college editing textbooks so he has internet access all day. About two weeks ago we hit a bit of a rough patch, because I never really got to process what he did before I got pregnant because everything was suddenly about the twins and not our marriage anymore. Now that I'm not pregnant any more I wanted a few days with a bit of distance to think things through. I never planned on leaving him, I just wanted to come to terms with the fact our relationship wasn't perfect (like I thought). It may sound silly asking for some time to think about things a year after the fact, but after a few days of processing things and thinking things through I felt a lot better.

This brings us to now. On Friday, I woke up early with one of the twins and was feeding her while looking at my online store activity on his computer. He was in the kitchen making his lunch and breakfast, looked over and saw me on his computer and freaked out, suddenly asking if he could get on his computer. I told him sure, and closed out all my tabs I'd opened. Thats when I saw an email account open I didn't recognize. So I didn't say anything, took the baby and went to my office and wrote down the email address. I then went and took him to work like normal, came home and began doing detective work. Only took three tries before I got into his secret account (he isn't very creative with passwords).

For the past month he has been posting in the Craigslist sex section, and answering sex ads as well. He makes meetings at times when I am at my parent's house with the kids and he is supposed to be having "quiet time" to do homework without the kids around, or during his lunch hour. He was exchanging pictures with strangers, and getting naked pictures in return. I went through all of them, printed them out and got a shock... he was looking for men as well as women. I mean... hold the freaking phone - what??

I called my mother and told her I needed to go to her house for the weekend with the kids, then called my husband and told him to find a ride home because when he got home I'd be gone with the kids.

At first he denied everything, then after I told him I wasn't an idiot and read everything already so there was no use lying and looking stupid he admitted to it.

I'm sad to say I only stayed away for one night. My two year old was asking for his daddy and I don't want to deny him a father. My husband has only proven he is a terrible husband, not a bad father. He has always been loving and attentive to the children (and I thought to me).

I'm severely torn on what to do now. Our sex life was active. I'm already below my pre pregnancy weight, so I don't think he would find me unattractive because of pregnancy weight or anything. We were intimate four to five times a week.

He says it was a thrill, maybe he is bi curious, and he is curious about what it's like to be with other people and what they do differently. He says it won't happen again (but he said that last time and to me this is worse, and a step further). He is willing to do counseling but we simply can't afford it on his salary with a family of five, and my business is self-sufficient but profit margins are razor thin as I just started a few months ago and we can't take much from there.

He says he is willing to do anything to make it work, but I can't trust him any more. I'm only 23, with three kids two and under, virtually no income, no car and no savings so leaving almost feels impossible. We have only been married not even three years. I'm completely devastated and have no idea what to do so I came here. Any advice?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
918 Posts
Hi,

Sorry you are here but you will find others who understand some of what you are going through.

How would you feel about showing your husband your post?

I think others might suggest 'the 180' which can work wonders but needs careful thinking about first.

Stay strong and keep us updated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
I'm sorry, friend. Detach for a while, think hard about why you'd stay with this man. He's showing you a window in the future if he doesn't get serious help.
May I ask... what about porn? Is he deep into porn?
Please get a full panel of STD test. He also has to.
Don't have sex with him for a while. Condoms don't protect from some STDs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
While I pregnant (both times, but more so the second since we couldn't be intimate) I caught him several times looking at porn. But I have complete access to all our finances and I know he isn't paying for any at least. I go to bed after him most nights, since I can only work after the kids go to bed, and I get up with him in the morning with our daughters and son. Our computers are both in the same room, so I don't think he is too far into porn. The porn didn't bother me too much when I couldn't satisfy him while I was pregnant. He's a human being and has urges I couldn't satisfy at the time.

As for showing him this post, I have discussed pretty much everything with him that I have written here, and he knows I am seeking advice from others. If he asked I'd have no issues showing him this thread. I have never been one to hide things from him, as I think a marriage with lies is worthless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
164 Posts
since you were his first. Is he trying to experiment with others while being married? That's what is sounds like to me anyways.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,182 Posts
Hey PC---you got one thing very wrong

Your H. is a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE father

A good father, would not submit his own flesh and blood children, to the possibility, of split homes, and being passed back and forth, by cheating on their mother---so please don't give your Cheating H., any kind of excuse or credit for being a good anything

When one cheats, they cheat on the WHOLE FAMILY!!!!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,427 Posts
Some swift advice.

DON'T show him your post/thread. If needs be, print them out, words only, no user names, no website title. On here is excellent advice on how to deal with liars, cheats, how to spot them, how to catch them. The LAST thing you need is to educate him on the only way you would be able to find out of he continues his cheating ways, and the only way you could verify if he sticks to his word. Showing him this site would be a HUGE mistake. The only time it should ever be done is when the partner is totally and truly remorseful and doing all the correct things to help you heal from the wound he inflicted.

And there are plenty of threads here, and plenty of people, who could tell you exactly the right thing he should be doing in order to show that.

Transparency, love, care, openness, talking whenever needed, accepting full responsibility, accepting all consequences, taking the blame without shifting it to you, no defensiveness, letting you know where at at all times, accepting all that in order to move on.

Don't bring him here and don't let him find what site you are on. That is not hiding things or being sneaky. He can know you are on a forum, he can know you are seeking advice. He should accept that it should be a private thing until you are sure about him and his intentions.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top