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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi there and thanks for reading.

My situation briefly was I had a mental breakdown as I suffer from Chronic Pain and became addicted to Morphine, I was on around 130-140ml a day. I became pregnant but lost baby due to it being ectopic and blamed myself. As a result my breakdown started on my wedding day and my husband although he came back after a month away to reflect. It seemed 10 months later the same cycle started again and I lost another child and returned to using Morphine for pain management.

In light of the above my husband left and I realised I needed proper help, I've sucessfully come of all medication and have grieved for me (as I'll never be the person I was again due to chronic pain, accepted the new me now) and also grieved for me being a failure and losing our two children.

We are going through a divorce now and have had no contact in nearly a year. I am always reliving my past now I'm better and realise what a terrible person I was. I'd like to write a letter to my soon to be ex husband but I don't know how to write the letter or where to start. I don't want to beg him to come back, although I still love him. I want to apologise for being unwell and that now I'm well I want closeure and explain why I was "mad as a hatter" as the in-law often said so I can close the book on my past and move on with my health and with the forgiveness from my STBXH

Any pointers on how to start etc would be great.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your quick response I will have a read of your letters. I'm a very emotional person and now I am mindful of whats been done I'd do anything to get my husband back but I feel due to his family involvement its too late. The divorce papers are nearly final now. I am scared if I write all my emotions it will appear to be needy and desperate and take away from the reason that I am writing to apologise for my behaviour whilst I was ill and not of sound mind I suppose. Too much pressure.

Thanks for sharing your letters though I will ahve a read.. All the best x
 

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My letters (specially the 2nd and 3rd one) are full of regrets.

I had no idea what my wife was feeling about my letters when she read them. I still don't fully know, but she has said numerous times that those letters stopped her from shutting down on me.

She was trying hard to see the good in divorcing me and moving on. She was quite agile in gathering support for her decision. She absolutely loved the bright post-divorce outlook she had pictured in her head.

She admits the letters crushed that outlook and made her feel very uneasy. That to me sounds like I accomplished my goal of making her doubt the negative image of me she had created in her head.

We're back together and though still confused, she says she has a hard time not believing the new person that I have become, but she also is scared of me becoming the old version of myself again.

I guess that puts a lot of pressure on me, but I'm willing to take it. Hopefully she will gain more trust in her own feelings towards me over time as well.

She says she loves me and wants to be my wife "most of the time"! Although I get very hurt by that statement, I'm also sure she doesn't mean to be hurtful. She's just getting good at expressing her true feelings. Hell I admit, there are moments I really don't feel like being her husband :)

True transparency is just that. Expression of the deepest feelings no matter how negative they may sound in words.
 

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There are so many things I would love to be able to type out to tell my wife, but the person she was is no longer there anymore. I want to tell her how I miss the way she fit perfectly in my arms when we hugged (she is 5'5 and I'm 6'1). The way the smell of her hair would linger in my clothes. How we would snuggle on the couch, and I would play with her hair, rub her back. How she made me feel when she kissed me, like I was Clark Gable and she was Vivian Leigh (Gone with the Wind reference). We were together for 11 years. How I look at my two children and see her in them. How just hearing her voice would always make my day that much brighter. How a text from her saying I love you would get me through the day. The thought of living life now without her kills me. Valentine's day next week, then her birthday is 4 days after that. But she gave me the whole I love you but don't love you speech, filed for divorce. Even though she still constantly tells me how much she misses me and loves me, just not the wifely love. She says she knows she is throwing away something good. I long to tell her all this, but it wouldn't matter.
 

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There are so many things I would love to be able to type out to tell my wife, but the person she was is no longer there anymore. I want to tell her how I miss the way she fit perfectly in my arms when we hugged (she is 5'5 and I'm 6'1). The way the smell of her hair would linger in my clothes. How we would snuggle on the couch, and I would play with her hair, rub her back. How she made me feel when she kissed me, like I was Clark Gable and she was Vivian Leigh (Gone with the Wind reference). We were together for 11 years. How I look at my two children and see her in them. How just hearing her voice would always make my day that much brighter. How a text from her saying I love you would get me through the day. The thought of living life now without her kills me. Valentine's day next week, then her birthday is 4 days after that. But she gave me the whole I love you but don't love you speech, filed for divorce. Even though she still constantly tells me how much she misses me and loves me, just not the wifely love. She says she knows she is throwing away something good. I long to tell her all this, but it wouldn't matter.
Of course it will matter.

Writing your feelings is not about getting your old marriage back. It's about expressing your true feelings. Without knowing your true feelings there's absolutely no chance for your wife to want you again.

It will matter because YOU will have the comfort of having expressed yourself. Do it for you. I promise you'll feel much better the next morning you wake up. Trust me.
 

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Regrets, I agree. Write what you feel. And while you shouldn't get on your knees and beg, or engage in any sort of guilt trips, if what you want is your husband back, then there's no reason you shouldn't express that, and many reasons you should! It's true it might not work, of course, but don't you think you would feel more regret if you didn't even try, than if you tried and failed? I have always believed that to be the case.
 
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