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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my first post on this site but have been here reading posts which has helped me tremendously with my sitch. I would love to get others input here as I am hurting so much. I am dealing with a classic walk away wife scenario. I've been married 6 six years to the love of my life and best friend. We have a beautiful 3 year old S together. My STBXW dropped the "I love but..." in March and I found out about her PA with a co-worker in June. Since then, we have been living in limbo and separately in the same house. I have been devastated since the bomb was dropped. Can't eat, can't sleep and have lost 20 pounds. I struggle to understand he we got to this point or how I don't even recognize my wife anymore. She used to be loving and now has a heart of stone towards me. Like others in this forum, I thought that we had some problems in the marriage but nothing serious. We have had a great life together and always did everything together. I have felt blindsided although reflecting back there were warning signs. I do take some responsibility to for factors that have led us to this point. My wife has an aggressive personality while I am a self diagnosed "nice guy" and have become a pleaser in my marriage in order to keep the peace. She views me now as a doormat and I believe she has lost respect for me. We are both in IC and have attended several MC sessions together.

Throughout this time I have been reading as much as I can (Divorce Remedy, The Five Love Languages, No More Mr. Nice Guy) and have been trying to stay strong. I've been working out and trying to make the changes in my live that will make me the best person and dad. It is very hard as some days I feel like breaking down. Sometimes at work I just have uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. Luckily, I have a great family who have been there for me when I needed to lean on them.

I have been trying to save my marriage alone as my wife doesn't see any hope in us reconciling. She has a lot of built up resentment toward me that she says she doesn't know if she can get over. I honestly don't know what more I can do as my wife is checked out and wants a D. I have tried to give her space and not pressured her. I've tried to let her know that I am there lovingly in the distance while trying to regain self respect that I lost the last few years. She says that I am a great dad and good guy and admits we have a great life together but she just doesn't love me passionately anymore.

We have an appointment with a mediator in the next two weeks and while I don't want a D I know that I can't force her to be in a relationship with me nor do I want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be with me. I am 35 and know I could still have a great life. I am in great shape and people always tell me that I am good looking. Problem is I still love my wife, despite what she has done and am having trouble trying to move on. I really would like to save and transform my marriage but it is apparent to me that is unlikely. It hurts tremendously to lose the woman I love and my best friend.
 

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You really need to be interacting with her according to the 180 now. Do this for your own mental and emotional health.

Are the two of you trying to reconcile? It sounds like she's not trying to at all.
 

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Dude, you've ALREADY done all of the work. Now it's time to man up and take your own advice. What would the Jack of five years from now tell you? You've got to let Kate go and do whatever the hell it is she seems to think is more important than her marriage. Shuffling around in halfsteps and on your best behavior hasn't worked because you're the only person still in your marriage. You talk about how much she's changed but really it's that she's not the person you imagined she was.
 

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I'm in the same boat as you are. My only advice is to go out and do things. When it all first happened I did my begging/pleading stage, then my 180 stage (where I still thought about it ALL the time), and now I'm doing stuff for ME.

I was sitting around thinking all the time and waiting for my wife's decision which I still am but now I'm not sitting around.
I have started going out with friends and doing stuff that make ME happy. It has taken my mind off of it tremendously.
There are still times I think about it but then I come onto this site and I get great support and advice to put me in a better position when my thoughts kick in.
I still cry, I still feel the need to break down, and I still love my wife but there's only so much one person can do. A marriage is a commitment between TWO people, not just one can work and fix it.

Go out, do things you enjoy, make yourself happy and know you're not alone.
 

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Jack-sorry to see you are here too. There must be an epidemic of WAW out there. Evidently wives are finding it much easier to move on-the LBH is blocked out of her heart and not given a chance to repair and reconnect after he realizes(too late) the WAW has checked out of the marriage emotionally and physically. In my case my kids(12 and17) have 'walked' too. She told them she was leaving a month or longer before she blindsided me out of the blue-probably helping them to checkout emotionally also. Plus thrown on top of that is their entry into adolescence where boys start to disconnect from their fathers as the father loses 'hero' status. I suspect there is an OM out there who is helping her to 'do it'. Yes I was an idiot for neglecting her and not recognizing that when there was a chance. And yes she is an idiot for suffering in silence while her love for me died allowing her to justify her actions and move on. As read here all I can do is focus on myself preparing for the rest of MY life. It is so difficult because we truly loved and love our walking ex and family. And that difficulty is compounded in knowing that everything I did during the final disengagement maneuvers was wrong. Oh to turn back time-but I and WE can't. I am worrying about my kids having the same emotions as her and the damaging effects on their lives that they will have forever-horrible horrible situation. Such indescribable suffering is simply created by lack of communication. Good luck to you and I pray that you will get a chance at R by following the guidance and support here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You really need to be interacting with her according to the 180 now. Do this for your own mental and emotional health.

Are the two of you trying to reconcile? It sounds like she's not trying to at all.
She is not interested in reconciling at this point. Just like StephenG I went through the begging and pleading stage and tried to set up romantic dates. When that didn't work, I started reading Divorce Remedy. I have been trying to implement my 180 such as going out more with friends and family and going to the gym and overall being more assertive in my interactions with her. They have helped but I still have a ways to go though.

Orpheus - you make a valid point. I just struggle to understand how someone you love can change so much. She had struggled when she had my son and wonder if that plays any part in it. She will sometimes explode on me, my son or both when she is stressed. My therapist (who also saw her) says she is hyper reactive. She just finally agreed to take meds but fear it is still too late.

TNman, StephenG - I can't believe how many of us are in he same boat. I can't fathom how people can do this to their families, but that is just me. I'm sure your going through the same emotional hell. I worry about my son as well although he is a bit younger. Thanks everyone for heir support. I pray for you as well.
 

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Part of me is ready to wake up from this horrible dream but really don't see that happening anytime soon. I wonder what the future holds for me and my girls. I am trying my best to let go of the hurt and pain and disappointment that h caused when he walked away.
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I just struggle to understand how someone you love can change so much. She had struggled when she had my son and wonder if that plays any part in it. She will sometimes explode on me, my son or both when she is stressed. My therapist (who also saw her) says she is hyper reactive. She just finally agreed to take meds but fear it is still too late.
That's my point, Jack. She probably hasn't changed all that much. She's probably finally just acting out on the inner turmoil she's been building up. Whatever the reason for acting she's doing her thing... the error is in your thinking she should be another way. You're wrestling with what you thought was your perception. Hoping that if you keep looking at it from different angles that you'll fall back into the delusion of your marriage. It doesn't work. It never works. It can't work.

That's not to say that things can't ever get better between two people but it is with newer and more honest understanding about who each person is rather than trying to force the blinkers on and return to utopia.

You're no spring chicken, Jack. You've done your homework. You know that the next move is yours to make your life better.
 

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A sad welcome for you, I'm in the same boat. I lived with my H for 3 months while he was with POSOW, he moved out a month ago and in with her. Listen to what people say here, come and visit a lot, it will help you. Pour your heart out, people listen and help. I've also been in your wife's shoes and it sucks. She's going through her own emotional torture. She knows you're there for her, you've told her. Now you need to focus on you. Are you still going to marriage counselling? I suck at taking peoples advice but I'm getting better. Be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster ride of your life. Be kind to yourself and your kids.
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Is she still involved in a PA?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Is she still involved in a PA?
No she is not involved in PA anymore but I think since she got a taste and once her chemicals got flowing, it put the nail in the coffin for me. According to her it was a short fling and she doesn't even know how it happened. She stopped going to MC with me as she said she is DONE.
This whole thing seems like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. I have my good days and other days I am a complete mess. Beside losing my wife I have many fears. I fear not seeing my boy all the time. I fear being alone and being a single parent. I fear the financial ramifications. My whole world has been turn upside down and right now I don't know which way is right side up. It is an emotional roller coaster. I just wish that we were both smart enough to work through issues before it got to this point. We were never great communicators although she was better at it than I was. She is very impulsive and controlling and I should have learned to put my foot down. There are other things as well but I don't believe that you just give up on a marriage. I feel you fight through it. I know that our realities are probably different since she wants a D but I am trying to turn this ship around although it seems like it won't happen. Many posters her as well as some family and friends suggest that I let go. My brain says to do that but my heart seems to be in control right now. I don't want to go down without swinging. I feel like if there is anything in this life to fight for it is love. If it doesn't work out then I can hold my head up high knowing I've tried everything I could and given it my best. I really wish this agony would just go away. It physically and mentally hurts and I am just do worn down.
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So sorry that you are going through this hell Jack. I am in the exact same situation and down the road I want to feel that I left no stone unturned and no avenue unexplored-I want my boys to remember that also. Detachment and 180 seem to be the most successful options but WAWs have built such an emotional stone wall that it seems nothing is going to reach them from us unfortunately. Probably failure of a PA is the best route for the waw to come out of the fog-but that throws a whole new level of difficulty on R and recovery. Detachment and 180 will at least help us heal from a horrible wound inflicted by our wife. But knowing that it is still terribly difficult; I think the best way is to try and give up hope and focus on your self improvement and emotional health. If she sees the light(before it is too late) then great-both will have a lot to sort through but with 2 genuinely trying it can be done no doubt. But I wouldn't count on her seeing the light before everything is destroyed. I think most of them will emerge from the fog one day and mourn their emotional murder of the marriage/family but that won't be any consolation of course. Hang in there man-I and many others are struggling also-prayers for all of us.
 

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Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? I suggest you go buy it and start reading it right away. I am with you, you have to feel you gave it your all before giving up. People who are not in this type of situation do not understand. A very wise man on this site said to me "do what you have to do to satisfy your conscience". I give the same advice to you. If you don't want to go down without a fight then don't. Read DR, it will help show you what you have to do now.
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Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? I suggest you go buy it and start reading it right away. I am with you, you have to feel you gave it your all before giving up. People who are not in this type of situation do not understand. A very wise man on this site said to me "do what you have to do to satisfy your conscience". I give the same advice to you. If you don't want to go down without a fight then don't. Read DR, it will help show you what you have to do now.
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Happy New Year TAMers. It's been a while since I last posted as I've been busy. Wanted to update you as I really need some advice and insight cause I'm a complete mess.

To catch you up to speed, I spent x-mas eve with my STBXW my son and her family and everyone agreed it was a great time. We spent X mas and New Years with our respective separate with our respective families. We have a mediation appointment for tomorrow night for what I thought was for divorce but now she says she doesn't want to D but rather get a legal separation. I don't want to read too much into that because she is still adamant that she can't live together anymore. She says the romantic love she has for me is dead and she can't force it to come back or force herself to be with me. I own the fact that I was not the most passionate man it romantic man but I still struggle with how someone can just do that. While validating her feelings I firmly let her know that I don't want to S. Its hard communicating with her when we both want different things. I am trying to come across as strong and confident rather than weak and pathetic. All I want to tell her is damn it woman wake up! Can't you see that I love you and that we want the same things. I have been trying to DB as I have read Divorce Remedy but all my STBXW keeps saying is she is done. It's like trying to get through to a brick wall DBing is hard. I know I can't reason with her so I just try to listen and validate. I've stopped pursuing. I just don't know what else to do. I still love her and don't want to break my family up. I can't seem to move on. I am so sad and anxious. I never thought in a million years this would happen to us.

Is it possible for the WAS to develop those feelings of love again while separated or am I deluding myself?
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I have just about the exact same story as you. There is no answer. I suggest you don't make any decisions while you are still in shock and denial. She feels this way out of guilt for what she has done.

She wants legal separation then give it to her. You are gonna have to get your sh** together. See a doctor if you have to. Quit asking her to work things out. Implement the 180. Ask her to move out. Tell her she is not taking the kid either.

Sorry you here. Not a fun ride and you just got on it.
 

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TNman said:
Evidently wives are finding it much easier to move on-the LBH is blocked out of her heart and not given a chance to repair and reconnect after he realizes(too late) the WAW has checked out of the marriage emotionally and physically.
Sorry, I disagree. It seems like most WAW have tried and tried and tried only to be ignored and dismissed as "complainers" before she finally decides enough is enough.

I'm not judging anyone, I'm just stating my opinion.
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A two-month old post but I just had to comment. Everyone's sitch is different, but for me, my Ex would probably agree w/ YinPrincess.

However, I would disagree with her big time. Here's the deal, marriage is not easy, it is work. The same is true for love. In the famous book The Road Less Traveled, it was eloquently stated that real love starts when romantic love ends. The honeymoon always ends. Love ends when someone puts their selfish interests ahead of their partner's.

My ex complained from time to time about things that bothered her about me... so did I! She by in large ignored the stuff that drove me nuts about her & so did I. There's a HUGE difference between little things that drive each other crazy and having an affair/ committing adultery! It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country. When spouses wake up one day & decide to just ruin the lives of their spouse and children instead of getting counseling, etc., they deserve the label of WAS.

People like this are in for a lifetime of misery & failed relationships. I am all for listening to your spouse when something is truly bothering them in the relationship. But there is undoubtedly a huge communication failure going on. I would agree that many WAS's would claim the same thing as YinPrincess but there are an equal number of LBS's that would state the D came out of nowhere. Unless there was MC and multiple formal sit-down discussions, I'm not buying that the WAS tried & tried. I'm just stating my opinion as well...
 

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A two-month old post but I just had to comment. Everyone's sitch is different, but for me, my Ex would probably agree w/ YinPrincess.

However, I would disagree with her big time. Here's the deal, marriage is not easy, it is work. The same is true for love. In the famous book The Road Less Traveled, it was eloquently stated that real love starts when romantic love ends. The honeymoon always ends. Love ends when someone puts their selfish interests ahead of their partner's.

My ex complained from time to time about things that bothered her about me... so did I! She by in large ignored the stuff that drove me nuts about her & so did I. There's a HUGE difference between little things that drive each other crazy and having an affair/ committing adultery! It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country. When spouses wake up one day & decide to just ruin the lives of their spouse and children instead of getting counseling, etc., they deserve the label of WAS.

People like this are in for a lifetime of misery & failed relationships. I am all for listening to your spouse when something is truly bothering them in the relationship. But there is undoubtedly a huge communication failure going on. I would agree that many WAS's would claim the same thing as YinPrincess but there are an equal number of LBS's that would state the D came out of nowhere. Unless there was MC and multiple formal sit-down discussions, I'm not buying that the WAS tried & tried. I'm just stating my opinion as well...
Thanks for your post. Although everyone's sitch is different, I agree with you in my sitch. If there is something that my wife did not like about me and it was communicated to me in a clear manner, I would reflect on it and try to correct it. I don't feel that her communication was clear and I blame myself for not understanding and trying to clarify things further with her. She even admitted that she may not have communicated things to me in the best way. With that being said, there is no excuse for having an affair and if she was so unhappy with me, I would have been happy to address it with her either through MC or other avenues. Sadly, I was not afforded that option and suspect many other LBS aren't either.
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I just want to make clear that I absolutely do not approve of or condone infidelity. OP, I am very sorry that you are going through this. If I may ask, why didn't you want to clarify things you didn't understand from your wife? Did you feel her complaints were trivial or insignificant? I often wonder why, (in my situation) I think I can spell things out clearly for my husband and yet he is dismissive, uninterested and disengaged. Sometimes he will tell me he did not understand what I meant - but he NEVER asks any questions to follow-up or gain insight. Further, he never really seems to give my needs the validation they need. I am just a "complainer" I guess. Anyhow, I was just curious. :)
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