Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a wife a two kids. we have been together for 10 years. I still love her and even more now that the kids are in the picture. I am however feeling less and less physically and passionatly attracted to her. When we do have sex it is out of pure physical desire to fullfill my needs rather than an attraction or passion. I find myself looking at other women constantly and in many cases thinking of ways I could venture out without getting caught. I have tried to hint at ways for my wife and I to spice up our sex life. I even have hinted at way she could change her dress or even exercise more to become more fit and I get in trouble more often than I get a positive response. Does anyone have any advice here for me? I do not want to do something that would hurt her or especially my kids. I also dont want to live the rest of my life feeling like i am trapped in a situation that will never improve.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
Do you feel that your wife has let her self go since marriage/kids entered the picture?

I think for many moms, especially stay at home moms, it's easy to get into a rut when kids enter the picture. The nightly feedings and waking up to a baby's cry your focus is directed on them and it's easy to put taking care of yourself on the back burner....why dress nice, put on makeup, do the hair when you know your day will involve most likely changing diapers and getting spit up on your shirt. Then the kids get a little older but the new lifestyle has become the norm.

I don't know your situation or how old your kids are but if the hints are only getting you a negative response, maybe try a more subtle approach. Give her a reason to primp, like go out for a nice dinner, etc. so you have the opportunity to give her positive feedback when she's dressed up, etc. As far as getting into shape, it might be better to come up with things you can do together...My husband and I like going for walks just to talk and get ideas for a patio :) but we also work out together several times a week, play tennis and plan to start running...maybe ;)

If she is overwhelmed with raising the kids, you may need to take the initiative to get her going...get a sitter and plan a night out, etc. Maybe a subtle jump-start and positive feedback from you will get her thinking in that direction.

One of my favorite things to do is go for a spa manicure/pedicure...it's not about the nail polish...it's relaxing for a few hours and doing something for myself...which sometimes I just have to force or it's 'mom?' 'mom?' 'mom?' all day long.

Giving in to the temptation you are having is definitely not the answer and I'm glad you came here to seek better alternatives. It is a tough situation because the direct approach is likely to push her away and make her feel insecure.

I will ponder this some and let you know if I come up with anything else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks,

Our kids are young. Both under two. And yes she is doing the typical sweats and large baggy t-shirt hair up and quite often without a shower. She is very busy as a stay at hom mom. Sometimes the problems are more than that. When I get home it used to be Hi Hunny with a kiss. Now its why are you so late you need to paint the spare room or do the dishes or clean out the garage...etc. If she is not taking care of the kids she is busy redecorating yet another room in the house. Our home is 4 years old 3500 sq feet and has completely finished it twice over and is still going. Now I am coming home at the same time i always have. She just seems to think I am avoiding coming home to help her. I actually view myself as a pretty good husband. I come straight home from work. I no longer have many friends b/c I don’t show up for the happy hours, card games etc. I've given up golf to spend every available moment helping her at home. I send her to the spa every few months and I stay home with the kids. I buy her anything and every thing she could ever want. I am fortunate in business to be able to do that and don’t get me wrong I enjoy buying her things. I am often forgetful when it comes to "the hunny do list" to which i receive a slight verbal beating but nothing to get upset over. It's just frustrating to work all day at a very stressful job then come home to orders and ultimatums. There are so many women always being nice to me even flirting with me which is why my mind is wandering. It also enforces the fact that getting the attention I am looking for is available. I don't want to talk to her about this b/c I know she will just get angry and show me how it is my fault. I'll tell you what. If she was not a stay at home mom she could be a litigator. I have a type “A” personality which is why I have been successful in business but have never won an argument with her. She is the best at situational manipulation I have ever seen.


We lived together for 4 years before getting married mostly b/c I wanted to take it slow and make sure she was the one. Things just aren’t the way they were before the marriage and kids. I am of course not holding anything against the kids. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. I just don’t want them growing up in a broken home. My parents stayed together and it was a blessing for me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
I sounds like your losing attraction to your wife is a symptom of feeling unappreciated and it's building up a resentment towards her.

I have read a couple of books that enlightened me in this area. The 5 Love Languages by Chapman (my husband and I both read it and it helped us to understand what makes one another feel loved) and 'It's A Guy Thing...An Owner's Manual for Women' by Deida which is geared towards women and gave me insight on how differently men (in general) think. One thing I found interesting in this book was the masculine vs. feminine energy. It made reference to women that carry more masculine energy becoming less sexually attractive to men.

Are you able to get a sitter and date? I would think trying to do something alone with her at least once a week where you can spend time together doing something fun might help you both relax a little.

I also think communicating to her about how you feel is the only way things will improve for you. Holding it in and continuing the way things are will only further build your resentment. From what you've said, this will require some thought on your end as to how to approach her in a non-threatening way & it's always good to start with how you've been feeling and why and some ideas for improving things...

"I don't know about you, being with the kids all day and doing all of this work on the house, but for me the stress from working all day and then coming home to a list of more things to do is completely draining. I'm feeling really empty & that the non-stop projects are pulling us apart. It's actually scaring me right now that we aren't as close as we once were."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
Keep in mind your wife is busy in the house for you and your children. She doesn't get the friends at work advantage and two kids under two? Wow.

Give her time and like was said before get a baby sitter once a week and take her out away from the home.

draconis
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
I know the feeling. I am married with two kids and have always been happily married; however, I find myself in your situation. I enjoy being with my wife; however, I am always looking, thinking and wanting to be with other women as my wife is not interested in sex. I know your pain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Do you know how she feels about it?

You talk about all the things you are doing and the things you have sacrificed for her/your kids. She has done alot and sacrificed alot too.

While you are at work, with work friends and sexy females to meet, she is at home with 2 babies and no adults to talk to, nothing to feel ambitious about or work for except her kids and redecorating the house.

While you gave up drinks and card games and golf with the guys, she gave up her drinks and shopping trips with the girls. She has given up the time she could have spent prettifying herself for her children and home. Women want to look and feel good too.

Maybe she feels resentful as well of how she has done all this for you and the family and you just pull away from her because she now doesn't look sexy and attractive.

Its never an easy thing, maybe you guys just need to sit down and really trash this out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Dude I went down the road you are thinking about and I can tell you right now DO NOT DO IT!!! I got lucky and my affair ended without anyone knowing about it. Still was a LOT of emotional pain when it ended. Which ALL could've been avoided if I would've been open and honesty with my wife years ago.

So now we are working really hard to put things right. I am full of guilt about what I did.

So quit with the hints and just tell her how you feel and what you need. There are books and good sites on how to meet emotional needs that drive all of this. It will take both of you to fix this issue, it is not an issue that is just your or her. It is a combined one that needs to be addressed. She has needs also that you are NOT meeting.

But I cannot stress enough DO NOT have an affair, nothing good comes of it. It is a easy path to go down but one that ends in nothing pain. If you feel that nothing will ever change then leave your wife and kids then start another relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
DATE NIGHTS! Can I stress that enough?!?!!? She needs time away from being "mommy in the sweat pants and baggy shirts too" Trust me. I have four kids!!!

Also, nothing sexier to a woman is a man pitching in with the kids when he don't' have to. Offer to give them a bath and put them to bed while she pampers herself with a bubble bath in the other room. From that point on, relieve her of 'kid' duty for the night. And let her have her time to relax. Who knows....that might lead a passionate time in the bedroom afterwards. She needs to turn off her "mom" sensor every once in awhile. And if she can do that, you allow her to do that......things might get better for you. I know for me, if I were able to relax and not be 'mommy' all the time, I would feel more like a wife. I guarentee you she feels the same way you do. Like she wants passion back, and wants to feel sexy! Believe me, don't think your the only one thinking about an affair. I've had my fair share of thinking along those same lines. But in the end, thats not love. Thats fulfilling a need to be loved, and your wife can do that just fine....just give her the chance!

Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
388 Posts
Aw my! this sounds exactly what I and dh went through until a few months ago.

We have two kids below 2 (twins) and life wasnt that fantastic at all. DH made enough money and so I became SAHM, going through a twin pregnancy almost destroyed my shape. I constantly complained that he didnt help around the house much and cant wait for him to come home and take over the kids for an hour atleast.

For me it was physically & emotionally very draining, I had to take quick showers and pull up my hair, hardly get time to look at the mirror and when i get to look at one, I felt like not doing it again:(

DH started to look at pretty women even when i m around. I became jeolous, quarelled with him, he became distant and all these lead us to live a non romantic life (sex was still on the plate on and off for pure physical desire).

Now things have changed a lot, I have got a full time maid to help me with all the household chores, I give myself once a week to catch up with my friends who are working so that i can keep up with the trend, I get to go for spa, pedicure etc. Oh most importantly DH gave me a shopping voucher from a famous sports shop and gave me good $$ to use up for my fitness program. I feel great now (though not completely in shape yet). I have once a week aerobics class, yoga, I jog 3x a week and have a very active outdoor life together with my kids.

What made me change? When he gave me the voucher and $$ I knew he wants me to be back in shape, I knew that his eyes have been wandering lately, I knew that he loves me and the kids a lot and will do anything for us and I knew that I want our happiness back. Oh forgot to mention, when he gave me the voucher he had a card with it written "I want my wife back, please come back" to me i felt that this was touching and emotional.

Besides the above mentioned reasons, I want to be a role model to our kids and introduce them to fitness activities from young.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to help by sharing my story as it seemed to be similar to yours. ALL THE BEST
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
all I can say is ugggggggggggg,,,,,, Your story sounds like my husband wrote it. Only I try and have make up on and hair done, even put us both on a way of life (diet) I am sure that she is missing you also, cause I miss my husband (best friend ) so much. I so miss us and our bed time our talks, oh to be normal again. All I can say and trust me my life is so screwed up. Is just hug her tell her you love her, listen to her - just talk. Remember why you fell in love. Im not sure if this will help, but all I know is this is what I want!!!!!! so badly from my husband.... not to mention SEX would be nice. uggggggg just go in and hug her!!!!!!! tell her - thank you for all her hard work and love. She will respond. Trust me. Cause I feel the same that you do about looking and wondering if I could be bad and not get caught and oh I know the guilt would kill me. But it does not stop me from wondering. go and hug her please
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
There I times where I feel the same way. I've actually reverted to doing things that I did when we were either dating or newlyweds. I send her emails throughout the day (not everyday mind you) and sometimes call and set up a date. So we either get a sitter or after they go to bed I get flowers, either make or bring home a nice late dinner, maybe get some strawberries and champagne...you get the drill. She told me these little acts that I do everyone once in awhile makes her feel sexy and wanted again and for a few hours she doesn't have to play mom. I've also tried to arrange a getaway romantic evening but with 4 kids under 6 that only happened once and it was really great. I've actually also introduced chocolate syrup into our bed one night and drove her nuts. Basically try and make her feel wanted and sexy and she'll return the favor by trying to look and be sexy for you. I hope this helps.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top