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My apologies, but this is going to be long.

I am 24, and my wife is 20. We've been married for 1 year, and have been together for 3 years. Most of our relationship has been amazing. We've always been very happy together, and certain that we were meant for each other. We've had our problems, but nothing that I ever thought would threaten our marriage.

This past April, my parents separated. I was completely blindsided. I never thought, even for a second, that my parents would get divorced. This was very hard on me, and I had a hard time talking about it, even to my wife. I didn't know how I felt, and I even snapped at my wife a few times for bringing it up and pushing me to talk about it. I know she was just trying to help, and I'm pretty sure she didn't take it personally, but this behavior was only the beginning.

Soon after, in May, I was supposed to depart for Army BCT, but a shoulder injury prevented me from leaving. Luckily, I was able to reclass and obtain another job. This was also very hard on me. My wife and I had been planning for months for me to leave, and my in-laws (whom we were living with) were expecting us to be out of the house. Things were very tense in our living situation, and this had a negative impact on an already heated situation. All of this made me feel very guilty. I felt I had disappointed everyone.

Before I was supposed to leave, I sold my car, and we got a dog. This all seemed fine at the time, since it would all work out once I got out of BCT and she could move in with me after I started job training. Obviously this didn't happen, so my wife got a job to support us through the summer. Our in-laws were very unhappy about us bringing a dog into the house, so I tried my best to keep him out of their hair and in our bedroom. I spent months sitting around on my computer and taking care of our dog in our cramped bedroom.

All of this combined put me into a strange state. I don't know how to describe it, but I wasn't me. I wasn't treating my wife like I used to, and she definitely took notice. She came to me with concerns, but I always blew them off. She suggested counseling, but I didn't want to hear it. I was totally self-absorbed, and she had to pay the price, but she worked through it and stood beside me. Unfortunately, things got worse. I was completely blind to my treatment towards her, and she became resentful. A couple weeks ago, we got in a fight because she was acting very hostile towards me, and I didn't believe that I deserved it. Over the next few days, similar fights occurred until we got into our worst yet on her birthday.

The topic of the fight is irrelevant. She was resentful towards me for treating her badly, and I was angry that she was showing signs of being resentful that I didn't believe I deserved. Things escalated until she yelled "I want a divorce!" It hit me like a bus. I never thought in a million years, no matter what, she would ever say that. I lost control, pinned her down on the bed and yelled "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!" in her face several times. She, of course, left. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just wanted to get away. She went and stayed at a friends house for several nights.

It took a few days for it to sink in that I needed to radically change to save my marriage. I realized what I had done, and why. I admitted all of my mistakes, apologized many times, and promised to work on changing my arrogance, anger, and self righteousness. I truly want to change these things about myself because I know they are all traits from my father that I do not want. I usually control my temper VERY well, but it seems that burying it down like I have been for years does nothing if I can snap and make a mistake like this.

I love my wife very much, and I'm willing to do anything to save my marriage. I've told her this many times, but I seem to only make things worse. At first, she said she just wanted space, and that we could work things out in a month or so. I wanted no part of this because I'm leaving for BCT in a couple weeks, and I very much need my wife's support. My continued attempts to force the issue have only pushed her away further, as she says that I can't even respect her enough to give her the one thing she wants, that being space.

I've since moved in with my mother to show that I'm willing to give her space if it means saving our marriage, but I keep making mistakes. I've talked about this a lot with her family, and she seems to think that I've turned her family against her, thus making things worse. In reality, I only sought advice and support, but they've drawn their own conclusions and believe she is being unfair, and that she needs to work things out with me because we're married. I completely agree with this, but it doesn't seem to matter because she doesn't want to hear anything anyone has to say that disagrees with her decision. She's blaming me for alienating her, when she's really done it to herself.

At this point she's at least being civil towards me. She came to a counseling session with me, and I believe she's coming to our next one as well. She claims that she still is pretty sure that she wants a divorce, but I feel like she's only trying to be hurtful because she's angry. She very often says things she doesn't mean when she's angry just to be hurtful, but I just can't get a clear reading on her true intentions.

Even after our fight, she said she still cared about me, but now she just says "I don't know." I think she's forgiven me for my behavior over the last few months because she can see that I'm admitting my faults and trying to change, but she seems hung up on the fact that I "put my hands" on her. She thinks everyone is crazy for overlooking that fact. I can very much understand her being mad about it, but myself and everyone I talk to agrees that she's being a bit overly dramatic about it. I never have, and never will intentionally physically injure her. My reaction was not to hurt her, only to try to get through to her. I know it was a huge mistake, and it was wrong of me to do so, but I think divorcing me for it is extremely rash. I wish she could see that I'm young, and I'm going to make mistakes and do things to hurt her, but I can learn from them. She believes that this one event is evidence that I'm going to be an abusive husband.

I just want her to give me a chance to show that I want to be me again, and that I'll never do anything like that to hurt her again. I think she at least owes it to our marriage to try, but she only replies with "I tried for months." I'm sorry, but months in a marriage is nothing. My mom dealt with my dad for 26 years before she decided to leave him. That's dedication, and trying to make things work. A few rough months and a fight, in my opinion, are not justifiable reasons to divorce someone. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what I think.

I'm leaving in less than two weeks, and I'd very much like to at least patch things up until we can get somewhere stable enough in our lives to work on these issues together, but I have no idea how. All my attempts just make things worse. I'm pretty sure she'll come around in time, but the uncertainty is killing me. I don't know what I'll do without her. She's my whole world. Sitting around and hoping she'll forgive me is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I go between completely depressed, to somewhat calm, to angry constantly. I feel completely broken without her, and I just don't know what to do. I've tried appeasing her, giving her space along with leaving her small gifts on her bed while she's at work. I've tried manning up and standing up to her, thinking my desperation might be unattractive to her, but that only seemed to make things even worse.

Any advice would be appreciated.
 

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not true, I read it.
Kyotoinbloom, marriage will be full of ups and downs and her running away from this doesn't bode well for you.
Perhaps she didn't mean the 'for better or worse' part of her vows.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that I don't have sympathy for her if you have been as you described. You can really do no more than apologise and promise that you will work with her to never devalue your marriage again.
The ball is now in her court.
 

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Kyoto, have to say I'm on your wife's side here. You've been dominant and controlling, and when she said she wanted a divorce, you responded by becoming physically dominant. In other words, you escalated your need for control. Then you continued to keep trying to have control even when she's made it clear that she needs to have control over her own life by intruding, insisting, and injecting yourself.

As long as you try to control things, you're going to drive her further away. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, and I'm glad that she's going with you, but you HAVE to let her have control, too. Think of it as your BCT starts NOW instead of two weeks from now.

You have to make a radical shift in your thinking. You have to see any attempt to control what she does as 100% unacceptable and just plain NEVER let yourself go there if your marriage is going to work. You can seek to influence her without pressuring, manipulating, guilting, forcing, or blaming her, but when any of those things come into play, you're driving a nail into your relationship's coffin.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Kyoto, have to say I'm on your wife's side here. You've been dominant and controlling, and when she said she wanted a divorce, you responded by becoming physically dominant. In other words, you escalated your need for control. Then you continued to keep trying to have control even when she's made it clear that she needs to have control over her own life by intruding, insisting, and injecting yourself.

As long as you try to control things, you're going to drive her further away. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, and I'm glad that she's going with you, but you HAVE to let her have control, too. Think of it as your BCT starts NOW instead of two weeks from now.

You have to make a radical shift in your thinking. You have to see any attempt to control what she does as 100% unacceptable and just plain NEVER let yourself go there if your marriage is going to work. You can seek to influence her without pressuring, manipulating, guilting, forcing, or blaming her, but when any of those things come into play, you're driving a nail into your relationship's coffin.
You're right, thank you for your advice.

I'm realizing more and more every day how horrible I was to her, and I feel like a monster. I can't believe I treated the person who meant most to me in life so badly. I almost feel like I don't deserve a second chance. I hate myself for acting like I did. All I can do is hope she sees that I realize what I did, and how badly I want to change to make this work.
 

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Hopefully you have a good counselor. I have a father Whois OVER the top controlling. And I have emotional outbursts when I am being hurt which can be similar. What I've learned is that controlling people are really just scared and can't accept hurt.

Acceptance.
Accept that things won't always go your way.
Accept that sometimes you will feel pain and you just need to sit with it and feel it. Everyone else does. It won't kill us!
Accept that god has a plan. If you don't believe that, how about that you have a blueprint -and you cannot change it, just accept that. It is true-in the end, we each have a destiny out of our control, so let it happen. And accept it.
Be the best person you can be and that is all you have the right to control.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
All I can say is I honestly could not see how I was acting. I thought I was completely justified in everything that I said and did. I had no idea how controlling I was. I pretty much became everything I hate, and the damage is done.

Hopefully she'll see by my actions that I'm me again, and I've learned a valuable lesson. Maybe she'll remember why we fell in love in the first place and give me a chance to make things right.
 

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I read it too. Let your wife go. If she's sure she wants to go fourth with the divorce, she's telling you the truth. I've been there. I was very clear I was done with the marriage as the damage was done and irreparable. I emotionally disconnected myself, which made it very easy to move on. My ex h tried to control everything in my life. I'm not one to be told what to do or how to run my life.

Don't sweep it under the rug that you "put your hands on her". Even one time is very wrong and should never be overlooked. One time usually leads to another in most cases.

I do think the damage is beyond repair. Keep working on yourself for the next woman that comes into your life. Don't make the same mistakes twice.
 

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I read it too. Let your wife go. If she's sure she wants to go fourth with the divorce, she's telling you the truth. I've been there. I was very clear I was done with the marriage as the damage was done and irreparable. I emotionally disconnected myself, which made it very easy to move on. My ex h tried to control everything in my life. I'm not one to be told what to do or how to run my life.

Don't sweep it under the rug that you "put your hands on her". Even one time is very wrong and should never be overlooked. One time usually leads to another in most cases.

I do think the damage is beyond repair. Keep working on yourself for the next woman that comes into your life. Don't make the same mistakes twice.
Not really what I wanted to hear, but I see what you're saying. Unfortunately, I just can't give up on her, especially because I'm not 100% sure she wants a divorce.

She hasn't directly said she is sure she wants a divorce lately. Anytime we enter that realm of conversation, she only replies with "I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel." All I can do is hang on to that glimmer of hope while doing everything I can to show her that, despite how difficult it is for me, I've accepted what I've done, and I want to do anything and everything to show her that her needs come first in my life. If that means giving her time and space, then that's what I'll give her. I know the times ahead will be very difficult for me, and I deserve every bit of it, but I have to stay strong and get through it if there's to be any chance that she'll come back to me.
 

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This is a tough one. I've always said, "He'd only hit me once.", but you didn't actually hit her. I'm not sure I would classify what you did as physical "abuse", but for sure you would've put the fear in me.

I can relate to what love said about it being over in your wife's mind though. It may not matter WHAT you do at this point. If the love has left, it's gone.

On the other hand, if there is that glimmer of hope, then all you can do at this point is do your best to show her how much you love her and want to be the man you were when she fell in love. Find that man again, but if she sends you the divorce papers-do NOT fight her on it...you won't win. You'll have to man up and let go. I think BCT is the best thing for you right now. If she doesn't send the papers while you're gone, perhaps that time away and the man you'll be when you get out will be enough to give HER a glimmer of hope.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
This is a tough one. I've always said, "He'd only hit me once.", but you didn't actually hit her. I'm not sure I would classify what you did as physical "abuse", but for sure you would've put the fear in me.

I can relate to what love said about it being over in your wife's mind though. It may not matter WHAT you do at this point. If the love has left, it's gone.

On the other hand, if there is that glimmer of hope, then all you can do at this point is do your best to show her how much you love her and want to be the man you were when she fell in love. Find that man again, but if she sends you the divorce papers-do NOT fight her on it...you won't win. You'll have to man up and let go. I think BCT is the best thing for you right now. If she doesn't send the papers while you're gone, perhaps that time away and the man you'll be when you get out will be enough to give HER a glimmer of hope.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

At least, I hope so.
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Man, I read most. My eyes hurt.

Um, I'd say stick with your counselor but make sure you believe they are doing good. Also, pick up some literature. I got The Divorce Remedy book and it's helped me understand A LOT about how we fight, take control of situations (by removing ourselves if we get overly aggresive or w/e) and lots more in there. PICK IT UP! It was $15 at my local bs.

Study study study, TAKE THE ADVICE! Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Well, I just found out what's going on. She's cheating on me with my friend's brother. Thanks for the advice, everyone.
 

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Get into the Coping with Infidelity section. Check out Divorce Remedy book, Look up the 180, keep your nose to this forum! It will help you and you CAN snap ppl out... sometimes.

I'm so sorry. My wife is going through the grass is greener thing.

I truly hope yours turns out better than mine is so far.

Good luck, keep your head up and KEEP BUSY... THINK before you act or speak.
 

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She's cheating on me with my friend's brother.
With that bit of information, I can tell you that her vague, I-don't-know-how-I-feel responses indicate cake-eating. She may have figured if the affair didn't go too far, she would come back to you. What you did was wrong. However, I think she may have checked out before the sh!t hit the fan. Two wrongs don't make a right.

At this point, it may be in your best interests to see an attorney and serve her with divorce papers. I think she has checked out for good. I know that hurts, but it's the reality of the situation.

If you file first, one of two things will likely happen: (1) she will wake up from the "fog" and want to attempt reconciliation, or (2) she will let you move forward with the divorce.
 
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