Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Bear with me folks, as the title suggests there's a lot of background to cover here. Most of this has to do with sex/intimacy issues. For the most part this has been a good marriage. We're empty nesters now and being alone together has brought any former glitches in our connection with each other to the forefront now. To start with, our sex life has never been "wild". Good yes, but all out heart racing pulse pounding, kinky and crazy monkey sex no. It all began about 2 years into our marriage when my wife gave birth and packed on about 50 lbs. From then until now she's hovered anywhere from 160-190 lbs on a short woman who started out at about 120. On average it's been about 170-180. Unfortunately it's been carried around the gut rather than ass/chest. I'd say my sex drive because of this has been dismal from about year 5 until present day. To add to this she's just not an intimate person which is a big deal for me. I'm a guy who thrives on lots of touching, flirting, sexy talk, etc. She's the type of girl who wants separate blankets (I call it 'the cocoon') and "don't cuddle me I can't sleep that way". I want a head resting on my chest and stuff like that. What I get is "your arm is heavy" and pushed off. Her idea of intimacy is holding hands walking through the mall :(

So vicious circle. She doesn't like lots of close touching loving physical gestures and packs on the pounds, my response is to basically live like a roomate for years and check out. The kicker is that this has gone on basically the entire time of our child raising up to university age, and she never understood all those years why *I* wasn't initiating all the time. To make matters worse, the more she gained weight, acted frigid, dressed sloppily, the more I tuned out, the more she expressed unhappiness at us not connecting, and the more I got blamed for it. So I started drinking, smoking, and wasting time screwing around with video games, surfing the internet etc. So she in turn got disgusted with me. As you can see this was getting BAD.

About 10 years ago she had an EA with a coworker that I caught - literally - just before it turned PA. We separated for 2 weeks (my idea) and then reconciled, and EA dude was totally out of the picture. But at the start I was getting the ILYNILWY routine. I know it was because of us both distancing. Then things started to spiral downwards again within a year. Well a few months ago as soon as the nest emptied I laid it on the line. I said I can't live in a marriage with no affection and your overeating and disregard for personal appearance was a deal breaker. Fix it or I'm done. For my part I had quit smoking and only drink occasionally socially for 6 months prior to saying this, and I stepped up my personal grooming and I've always been very physically fit. At the risk of sounding immodest, I get a lot of attention from women, always have. Even she admitted she still finds me very attractive.

Catch22 - Because she doesn't feel good about herself anymore due to years of self neglect she can't feel sexy. She doesn't reach O when we have sex. We had a long talk about both our needs and she bascially didn't give me any, while I gave her mine - the touching and intimacy stuff. Recently I have seen her make efforts but I'm a very good empath and I can sense the tension and can definitely feel she's very uncomfortable being affectionate. I'm still the initiator. Her idea of being affectionate is still just holding hands and putting her legs on me on the couch. Nothing else. Everything else is grand, we get along well, very little discord, but it's still that "friendly amicable roomate" thing going on. During sex, she severely limits the kinky factor. She won't let me touch her in a lot of ways and forget foreplay downunder because she doesn't want me to feel her overweight areas. I get the distinct feeling she's just going through the motions.

Currently she's really been making a lot of headway at improving herself. She's only just started a few weeks ago but the improvements are rapid so far. She loves to talk to me and talk about doing stuff together but the general feeling still remains at me initiating all of the affection, while on her end I feel like a "buddy" not a lover. Even the kisses goodbye at the start or end of the workdays are all me and I can literally feel her discomfort/disinterest. There's no cheating going on because believe me, I'm monitoring closely. In summary I get the distinct feeling she thinks this is all quite normal even after several heart to heart talks explicitly describing how I feel about the situation.

I'm at a total loss here because she knows now in no uncertain terms with no room for doubt how I feel but she's resisting at every step of the way. I strongly get the impression that she secretly resents me wanting passion back in our marriage and that her viewpoint is that we should be behaving like a couple of 80 year olds. This breaks my heart because in her mind everything is fine and dandy even though it's been laid on the table that I feel it isn't, and if I were to leave it would be like "what's the problem here I thought all was well?" I don't know what else to do, I feel like I've tried everything except coming right out and saying "honey I've tried over numerous long talks to tell you how I feel and you haven't responded so I want MC or we need to divorce". What kills me is she'll behave like this is some kind of sudden mid life crisis on my part even though this has been building for years and years and she's even acknowledged it's a problem. I almost feel like she's forcing me to initiate a Divorce were it not for her still acting as if nothing is wrong and talking about our future. After everything has been laid on the table. Ugh!!

As it stands right now I've planned for myself a personal time limit of Spring 2013 which should be plenty of time for a turnaround. I still love her so very much, but I just can't continue our lives together as "friends" anymore :( I don't want a marriage of just friendship with no affection or passion. I've had that for the last 15 years or so and I just can't take it anymore. I'd rather be single and lonely at this point.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
Well you teach people how to treat you.

If you want to bring passion back....

Look in the mirror.
Analyze your marriage
Learn all there is to know about women's needs
Set yourself on a path to become a better man
Stand up to your wife everytime she displeases you outside sex.
Get to the point where you are OK with or without her
Confront her and give her a choice. Sexual marriage or not.

Stand up for your needs. Simply state them as a matter of fact.

I'm at the tail end of this basic process. Took almost three years... mines been sexless that entire time (7,2,0) probably because I stood up for my needs. I look it as short term pain long term gain. My wife started it with ILYNILWY I am finishing it with a better customized sexual marriage.

I discussed this with my wife one last time. She pushed back and said what do you mean I'm not meeting your needs? I do this, this ,this.

I looked her straight in the eye and said.... "you flat out aren't meeting my needs in our marriage. Because you refuse to meet my #1 need of you (sex) and that's to be my wife"

Sometimes you have to lay it all on the line.... we almost divorced that night (actually did for about two minutes) but cooler heads prevailed.

Now we are on the same path with checkpoints. We will solve our marriage but it only happened after I became her best option and absolutely stood my ground. I made sure the odds were she'd choose a NEW IMPROVED marriage to me.

Do not be afraid of your wife! Dare to be bold. You need to take the lead in your marriage.

Think about fishing.... never let slack in the line but don't pull too hard so the line breaks. Also to land a big fish it can take A LOT OF TIME. You have to re calibrate your wife's thoughts and let her choose what to do.

T2
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,260 Posts
Just in case you didn't notice, the OP was banned in just over 30 minutes after posting this thread.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
128 Posts
Honestly dude, you sound like a decent man. Caring, considerate of her feelings, thoughtful enough to seek help, blah, blah, blah....
You are living withyour Room Mate. I guarantee that if she met the "right" guy, despite her physical condition or attitude, she would be wet and ready.
Clearly you are not that guy anymore.
I am sorry but: a wife, a woman in a establsihed relationship MUST want to have sex with him, otherwise what is the relationship? And jsut HOW exactly does one share LOVE with one's partner, without words...but by expressing through the intimacy of love-making.
I am sorry man, there are many of us out there, with good relationships, sex is everyday and if not its becasue we are too tired or not together.
My girlfriend ( soon to be wife ) herself says that we must be having sex 3-4 days a week..MINIMUM...if not she says, "leave me".
That is normal.
You deserve your happiness. Woman do too. We all do. But you have to find it, sexual helath is JUST as important as any other kind.
The fact your wife is neglecting hers and yours sexual health means you are in an un-helathy relationship and quite frankly, t has gone on too long, you will only be alone for a short period of time, if you work hard and admit to yourself you are not perfect, the right woman will end up seeing you for who you are.
You can't change people my friend, but you can accept cahnge into your life, the only cost is you giving up on frustration and accepting happiness. It's a no-brainer.
Leave her, today.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Guess what she doesnt like your touching cause she knows that u think she is fat, it hurts her that she doesn't look the way she used to, she has picked up on your cues aka your lower sex drive. Even if it was a little comment or a little glance across the bedroom with a tiny bit of disgust she has not forgotten.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Because he posted something quite vulgar and rude on another person's thread.
Posted via Mobile Device
Crap missed it lol
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4 Posts
a temporary ban that only lasts a few days doesn't invalidate a post. Sometimes just being a little harsh or outspoken on a grumpy day can earn someone who is otherwise pretty regular a temp ban you know. Seriously pidge... :rolleyes:

I'm sure the OP is still able to read and is quite grateful for the other advice given. :cool:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,260 Posts
a temporary ban that only lasts a few days doesn't invalidate a post. Sometimes just being a little harsh or outspoken on a grumpy day can earn someone who is otherwise pretty regular a temp ban you know. Seriously pidge... :rolleyes:

I'm sure the OP is still able to read and is quite grateful for the other advice given. :cool:
I'm sure the OP also realizes the Mods can track IP addresses and will realize when a banned user comes back under a different name. :D
Posted via Mobile Device
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top