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My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 7. I have been the sole wage earner for the duration of the marriage. She has 3 children, now ages 14, 18, and 21. I love all of the kids tremendously, but raising three children caused a great deal of stress and at times verbal arguments. There has never been verbal or physical abuse in our marriage whatsoever. Over the course of the last year, one child is now living at college, one is in the military, and the youngest is with us and is a freshman in high school.
Approximately six months ago, I came home after work and found my wife obviously distressed. In my mind, we had not gone through anything particularly devastating and our marriage was “fine.” (hindsight is 20/20) I asked what was wrong and she exclaimed that she couldn’t believe that she was going to tell me this. She told me that she wanted to go out of town for the weekend by herself. She was super stressed and needed some downtime. I said ok, where? She replied to see Alex. (Alex lives in a state approximately 10 hours from our residence) I am a professional small business owner. My wife assisted with the business over the course of the last few years, primarily dealing with clients. Alex was one such client. What began as answering his calls when I was away from the office had evolved to long daily conversations about each other’s life and problems. At the time she said that she wanted to see Alex, I was not aware of the extent of their conversations. She swore that this was only a friendship with Alex and that Alex’ current legal issues and the fact that he is stationed far away from any family (he is in the Army) has caused him much pain. Her bottom line was that she wanted to be there for him and show him that she cares. Alex is going through a divorce and has had a difficult time getting parenting time with his 5 year old son. To make it worse, a month before his custody/divorce trial, Alex was arrested in his home state on allegations that he molested his 9 year old step daughter four years ago. The allegations were raised by his wife in her new state, where my wife and I reside. The timing of the allegations make it very apparent that they could in fact be false. Nonetheless, he has been indicted on these charges and is now awaiting trial next week. If convicted he is facing 25 to life in prison.
I was stunned. I sat down, did not flinch, and said; “ok, you need to go.” At this point I had two reasons for such a response; I did not believe she would go, and second: I realized that if she wanted this so badly she was going to ask her husband to go, me saying no was only going to do worse damage. I felt like the damage was obviously done and standing in the way of this would only drive her desires deeper.
We talked for 20-30 minutes, during which point she said that she has a spiritual connection with Alex that I would never even grasp.
She left, I helped her pack her car, and she was off. During the course of the 10 hour drive, I called several times. At first my calls were checking on her, to which her replies were cordial. After 8 hours of wondering what in the hell did I just do, my calls transformed to telling her that this was wrong and she does not need to see Alex and stay with him all weekend. At that point, she began calling me controlling, said she was going to sleep at a rest stop (she was now less than an hour from his home), wake up and drive home. Shortly thereafter, she shut off her phone. I called Alex’s phone and eventually got through. My business relationship with Alex makes this ordeal completely unacceptable and I indicated that I would be ceasing any professional assistance the following business day. Alex told me that he knew where she was, because he received a text from her informing him of the park that she had pulled into. He asked if I wanted him to check on her. I told him I did, as at this point I was genuinely worried as it was 430 am and did not know if she was safe. She called and said she was going to go to his place and sleep for a few hours before heading back. I demanded that she remove her wedding ring repeatedly and said we would finalize the details upon her return. Ultimately, the two of them went back to his residence and turned off their phones for the majority of the following day.
She returned the following Monday. We decided that we would separate and she sought and leased her own apartment in the same school district. She and her daughter moved out one week later. During this time she continued her daily conversations with Alex. I was a mess that entire week and at times begged to work on the marriage.
During the separation, we talked on a near daily basis, at least texting on days we did not talk. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to end our marriage and indicated she needed space to decide what she wanted. There was no physical intimacy during this time whatsoever.
A month into the separation, she came by to get her mail. She gave me sweet looks and we found ourselves rolling around on the floor with our shirts off. I stopped the situation before sex occurred, but we were professing our love for eachother and both said that we were going to work on our marriage whole heartedly. She text me after leaving that she was on cloud 9 and was just ecstatic. She said I needed to call my parents and tell them, but that we needed to wait to tell the kids. I completely agreed, as this seemed very sudden. Nonetheless, fifteen minutes later I got a text from her saying that she wanted to tell the kids because they needed to share in the happiness. She said that we needed to initiate marriage counseling immediately because the devil is going to come at us harder than ever before. I was certainly in agreement with counseling. The following day I called to schedule the counseling. My wife told me that it had to occur before the 21st of the month because she was going out of town over Christmas. I immediately knew where she was going and she affirmed upon me asking. I was devastated and could not believe this. She admitted that she had made these plans even before coming over to our house the night earlier. She went to her initial therapy session (counselor wanted to meet us separately first) and was told by him that she absolutely should not go to see Alex. She was still going, nonetheless. I decided to call Alex and ask him not to allow her to go. He refused to stop her and said that if she wants to come, she is an adult and I will not stop her. At that point, I called his commanding officer and requested a no contact order be put into effect. They immediately did so. A few days later, I received a call from my Wife. After beating around the bush, she said that she was worried about Alex because she hadn’t heard from him for days. I told her what I had done, as I obviously didn’t want her driving to his residence as planned. She hated me and claimed that I was now her enemy. That I was going to hell for doing this to someone and taking such an important person out of her life. She never wanted to hear from me or see me ever again and repeatedly professed this hatred for me. We filed for a dissolution of our marriage. We then ceased communication.
I began talking to another woman, as I desperately needed to move on at this point. My wife was still al I thought about. I had a few conversations with a woman that I met online and began seeing her a short time after. This is within the time frame of one week. During that week, we had sex on more than one occasion.
Two weeks later, two days before new years, my wife came back to our house and begged for me to recommit to our marriage. She had learned that I was seeing another woman. She demanded that she would fight any legal separation and would be withdrawing the disso that was filed. I said that I needed time and had plans for new years eve. I returned to the residence on January 2nd to find my Wife back in the residence with her daughter, most of her belongings, and the dogs and cats. I was shocked, but I was happy. I had missed her terribly. Over the next several days the marriage and intimacy seemed incredible. She proclaimed that me putting the no contact order in effect was the best thing I could have done for her. She said all the rights things and I was sucked in very quickly. We continued with counseling, but even the counselor said that we seemed incredibly resourceful and that it was truly amazing.
After two months, things declined. We went on a ski trip and got into a passive argument. We both felt extreme tension when she would not let me give her tips on how to ski, and I shut her out immediately. We did our own thing for 30 minutes and I finally said, lets go. It was a bad experience. Shortly thereafter, I asked is she had searched Alex’s case online to find out what was going on with his criminal case. She admitted she had. (the counselor stressed the importance of no more thoughts and no more actions regarding Alex)
Over the next few weeks, she acknowledged to having deep feelings for Alex still. She desperately missed him and worried about him. Long story short, the marriage went back to bad. It is now April and we have not had physical intimacy on any level for two plus months.
She has now been at the point over the last month- to two months that she doesn’t know what she wants. She is unwilling to commit to us 100%, but says that she is here and I should find that to mean that she wants to work on our marriage. Over the last two weeks, she has said on several occasions that she is only in this now for God and her children because she knows its what is right. She loves me, but is not in love with me. She wants the feelings to come back, but they haven’t as yet.
She has, over the last month and a half, asked me to drop the no contact order with Alex. She wants answers to everything and worries about him constantly. His trial is next week and she has been increasingly concerned about it and him.
Last night I gave her an ultimatum, on the advice of my counselor, that she must either agree to have no further contact ever again and agree that its best, dedicate herself to working on this marriage and list her expectations of me and the marriage as well as issues and problems, change her facebook page back to our last name (minor but it does bother me…proabably because it is so minor) and change her phone number back to the area code where we live. (I changed it to Alex’s area code when she was in his state once I looked at the phone bill and saw that she had talked for hours straight with him the entire drive down)
After all that, if anyone actually read most of this, any feedback would be wonderful.
 

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That's a lot to put you through while she's working out what she wants. You don't say what her response was to your ultimatum. Did she agree to your terms? If yes, what were her terms?

If a friend wrote the post that you wrote to you, what would you advise he do? Try and look at what you wrote with some distance. Does this sound like a woman who has earned another second chance? In the end it's not a decision someone else can make for you. Personally, I would find it hard to trust in someone who had such poor boundaries again, but it's not really about what we can live with

This back and forth on her part is pretty unfair to you and must be taking a huge emotional toll on you.
 

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I agree with the counselor on what is needed from your wife. Not only does she have to give you a list, but you have to give her one too. There are things that you need to have from her in order to continue the marriage.

By the way, I think that there is something else going on with your wife that is not immediately obvious. Alex has apparently not tried to get around the no-contact order and get in contact with her by hook or crook. I think that if she was that important to him, he would have done this. She knows it. So she's desperate to have contact and to find out what's up with him because she needs proof from him that the destroyed her marriage for something real. He's chosen his career and his court case over her. I can understand why he'd do this. But it probably does not fit with the fantasy of their Romeo/Juliet type relationship ... lovers against the whole world.

No contact with Alex is one of them. Usually having her write a no contact letter that you both mail to Alex together is suggested. But since he has a no -contact order right now a letter cannot be mailed to him. what I'd do is to have her write it and then she gives it to you. You keep it until such time that it might be ok to mail it, then the two of you mail it together.

There is a specific no contact letter format:

Sample No Contact Letters | AFFAIRCARE

She can never see or talk to Alex again or check out his situation.

There is a book that I think will help you at this stage: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will explain a lot of what is going on with her and what you need to do and what you need in that list you give her.

I have a question that might seem off the wall here but the answer might be important. You say that your wife helped out your business. About how many hours a week did she spend doing this? Is she still doing it?
 

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Is Alex still in the Military? If he is..is he an Officer?
 

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My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 7. I have been the sole wage earner for the duration of the marriage. She has 3 children, now ages 14, 18, and 21. I love all of the kids tremendously, but raising three children caused a great deal of stress and at times verbal arguments. There has never been verbal or physical abuse in our marriage whatsoever. Over the course of the last year, one child is now living at college, one is in the military, and the youngest is with us and is a freshman in high school.
Approximately six months ago, I came home after work and found my wife obviously distressed. In my mind, we had not gone through anything particularly devastating and our marriage was “fine.” (hindsight is 20/20) I asked what was wrong and she exclaimed that she couldn’t believe that she was going to tell me this. She told me that she wanted to go out of town for the weekend by herself. She was super stressed and needed some downtime. I said ok, where? She replied to see Alex. (Alex lives in a state approximately 10 hours from our residence) I am a professional small business owner. My wife assisted with the business over the course of the last few years, primarily dealing with clients. Alex was one such client. What began as answering his calls when I was away from the office had evolved to long daily conversations about each other’s life and problems. At the time she said that she wanted to see Alex, I was not aware of the extent of their conversations. She swore that this was only a friendship with Alex and that Alex’ current legal issues and the fact that he is stationed far away from any family (he is in the Army) has caused him much pain. Her bottom line was that she wanted to be there for him and show him that she cares. Alex is going through a divorce and has had a difficult time getting parenting time with his 5 year old son. To make it worse, a month before his custody/divorce trial, Alex was arrested in his home state on allegations that he molested his 9 year old step daughter four years ago. The allegations were raised by his wife in her new state, where my wife and I reside. The timing of the allegations make it very apparent that they could in fact be false. Nonetheless, he has been indicted on these charges and is now awaiting trial next week. If convicted he is facing 25 to life in prison.
I was stunned. I sat down, did not flinch, and said; “ok, you need to go.” At this point I had two reasons for such a response; I did not believe she would go, and second: I realized that if she wanted this so badly she was going to ask her husband to go, me saying no was only going to do worse damage. I felt like the damage was obviously done and standing in the way of this would only drive her desires deeper.
We talked for 20-30 minutes, during which point she said that she has a spiritual connection with Alex that I would never even grasp.
She left, I helped her pack her car, and she was off. During the course of the 10 hour drive, I called several times. At first my calls were checking on her, to which her replies were cordial. After 8 hours of wondering what in the hell did I just do, my calls transformed to telling her that this was wrong and she does not need to see Alex and stay with him all weekend. At that point, she began calling me controlling, said she was going to sleep at a rest stop (she was now less than an hour from his home), wake up and drive home. Shortly thereafter, she shut off her phone. I called Alex’s phone and eventually got through. My business relationship with Alex makes this ordeal completely unacceptable and I indicated that I would be ceasing any professional assistance the following business day. Alex told me that he knew where she was, because he received a text from her informing him of the park that she had pulled into. He asked if I wanted him to check on her. I told him I did, as at this point I was genuinely worried as it was 430 am and did not know if she was safe. She called and said she was going to go to his place and sleep for a few hours before heading back. I demanded that she remove her wedding ring repeatedly and said we would finalize the details upon her return. Ultimately, the two of them went back to his residence and turned off their phones for the majority of the following day.
She returned the following Monday. We decided that we would separate and she sought and leased her own apartment in the same school district. She and her daughter moved out one week later. During this time she continued her daily conversations with Alex. I was a mess that entire week and at times begged to work on the marriage.
During the separation, we talked on a near daily basis, at least texting on days we did not talk. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to end our marriage and indicated she needed space to decide what she wanted. There was no physical intimacy during this time whatsoever.
A month into the separation, she came by to get her mail. She gave me sweet looks and we found ourselves rolling around on the floor with our shirts off. I stopped the situation before sex occurred, but we were professing our love for eachother and both said that we were going to work on our marriage whole heartedly. She text me after leaving that she was on cloud 9 and was just ecstatic. She said I needed to call my parents and tell them, but that we needed to wait to tell the kids. I completely agreed, as this seemed very sudden. Nonetheless, fifteen minutes later I got a text from her saying that she wanted to tell the kids because they needed to share in the happiness. She said that we needed to initiate marriage counseling immediately because the devil is going to come at us harder than ever before. I was certainly in agreement with counseling. The following day I called to schedule the counseling. My wife told me that it had to occur before the 21st of the month because she was going out of town over Christmas. I immediately knew where she was going and she affirmed upon me asking. I was devastated and could not believe this. She admitted that she had made these plans even before coming over to our house the night earlier. She went to her initial therapy session (counselor wanted to meet us separately first) and was told by him that she absolutely should not go to see Alex. She was still going, nonetheless. I decided to call Alex and ask him not to allow her to go. He refused to stop her and said that if she wants to come, she is an adult and I will not stop her. At that point, I called his commanding officer and requested a no contact order be put into effect. They immediately did so. A few days later, I received a call from my Wife. After beating around the bush, she said that she was worried about Alex because she hadn’t heard from him for days. I told her what I had done, as I obviously didn’t want her driving to his residence as planned. She hated me and claimed that I was now her enemy. That I was going to hell for doing this to someone and taking such an important person out of her life. She never wanted to hear from me or see me ever again and repeatedly professed this hatred for me. We filed for a dissolution of our marriage. We then ceased communication.
I began talking to another woman, as I desperately needed to move on at this point. My wife was still al I thought about. I had a few conversations with a woman that I met online and began seeing her a short time after. This is within the time frame of one week. During that week, we had sex on more than one occasion.
Two weeks later, two days before new years, my wife came back to our house and begged for me to recommit to our marriage. She had learned that I was seeing another woman. She demanded that she would fight any legal separation and would be withdrawing the disso that was filed. I said that I needed time and had plans for new years eve. I returned to the residence on January 2nd to find my Wife back in the residence with her daughter, most of her belongings, and the dogs and cats. I was shocked, but I was happy. I had missed her terribly. Over the next several days the marriage and intimacy seemed incredible. She proclaimed that me putting the no contact order in effect was the best thing I could have done for her. She said all the rights things and I was sucked in very quickly. We continued with counseling, but even the counselor said that we seemed incredibly resourceful and that it was truly amazing.
After two months, things declined. We went on a ski trip and got into a passive argument. We both felt extreme tension when she would not let me give her tips on how to ski, and I shut her out immediately. We did our own thing for 30 minutes and I finally said, lets go. It was a bad experience. Shortly thereafter, I asked is she had searched Alex’s case online to find out what was going on with his criminal case. She admitted she had. (the counselor stressed the importance of no more thoughts and no more actions regarding Alex)
Over the next few weeks, she acknowledged to having deep feelings for Alex still. She desperately missed him and worried about him. Long story short, the marriage went back to bad. It is now April and we have not had physical intimacy on any level for two plus months.
She has now been at the point over the last month- to two months that she doesn’t know what she wants. She is unwilling to commit to us 100%, but says that she is here and I should find that to mean that she wants to work on our marriage. Over the last two weeks, she has said on several occasions that she is only in this now for God and her children because she knows its what is right. She loves me, but is not in love with me. She wants the feelings to come back, but they haven’t as yet.
She has, over the last month and a half, asked me to drop the no contact order with Alex. She wants answers to everything and worries about him constantly. His trial is next week and she has been increasingly concerned about it and him.
Last night I gave her an ultimatum, on the advice of my counselor, that she must either agree to have no further contact ever again and agree that its best, dedicate herself to working on this marriage and list her expectations of me and the marriage as well as issues and problems, change her facebook page back to our last name (minor but it does bother me…proabably because it is so minor) and change her phone number back to the area code where we live. (I changed it to Alex’s area code when she was in his state once I looked at the phone bill and saw that she had talked for hours straight with him the entire drive down)
After all that, if anyone actually read most of this, any feedback would be wonderful.
Holy crap. Just file for divorce already.

And don't put the brakes on it this time.
 

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She has, over the last month and a half, asked me to drop the no contact order with Alex. She wants answers to everything and worries about him constantly. His trial is next week and she has been increasingly concerned about it and him.
Surely, piketon you deserve better than to be with a woman who pines for another man.
I agree with your counsellor and your boundaries (not ultimatums), what you require to continue in a marriage that's worthy of the name. I only question why you would want to. She had her affair. It's not 'over' in her mind. And she only came back to you when it seemed like you were ready to move on.

To me, moving on would be the best course of action for you.
 

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piketon,

If the story you wrote had been written by a close friend or relative, what would you advise him/her to do in the face of so much disrespect and contempt?

Words, hers and yours, don't have any value, but your actions, as well as hers, do. Let them be your guide to what is real and what is not, so that you can choose the best path possible for you.
 

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"second: I realized that if she wanted this so badly she was going to ask her husband to go, me saying no was only going to do worse damage. I felt like the damage was obviously done and standing in the way of this would only drive her desires deeper."

This was your biggest mistake right here.

You should have immediately told her that if she left you were filing for D and exposing the A to both families and all friends...and then followed through when/if she did leave.

By allowing her to go, you enabled all of this crap to occur.

Your actions since have not been bad....you are right to insist that she never talks to this POS ever again.

If she refuses your demands, file for D and then follow through this time no matter what.

If she comes back begging to save the M later, tell her no and D will happen....if she wants a chance she will have to earn it pursuing you as a single man again.....she gave up her privilege to be M to you by continuing the A during your attempted R.
 

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Two additional things. Contact Alex's wife and asknher about the case against him. Contact the DA in the case and ask him/her about the case and explain why you are interested. Not sure they will tell you anything but it might be very revealing.

He obviously isn't as attached as your wife so this is on her. Time to cut bait, you've given her more than enough chances.
 

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The next time she moves out, CHANGE THE LOCKS.

This guy is going to trial for sexual abuse and she wants to be with him, more than you.

If he ends up going to jail, she will most likely replace him with a new OM down the line.

Btw, I figure there's about a 99% chance they've had sex, so get an STD screening done on yourself. The woman that you were seeing while your WS was gone should also get an STD screening.
 

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No DA is going to have a case against someone if the timeline does not fit..

He is LYING about what occurred. He is NOT telling you the real facts of his case..

No DA is going to take a case without MEDICAL EVIDENCE.
NO DA is going to take a case just based on the words of a mother against her ex husband regarding something like this..

I've been doing this for almost 25 years.. I might not know much, but I know enough about criminal cases being a Detective.

I suggest YOU go to his court case without telling your wife.. You are allowed in on cases. Its a public right.. So you can sit in the back and hear the whole thing for yourself.. Then tell her the stuff he failed to mention to her..

But regardless, as was already mentioned. She will end up doing this with someone else.. Please do not waste your time here..

You have nothing with this woman, move on.. WITH YOUR LIFE...

This woman has issues you cannot see or fix.. Learn from your mistakes and don't do them again with a new person.

You can always look out for the kids if you want, but move on with your life..

Trust me I went through this.. The best thing my Ex wife did was force me to get divorced. The next woman will be younger and no kids..

Just move on..

You keep drawing lines in the sand and then back peddling..

Just move on..
 

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I suggest YOU go to his court case without telling your wife.. You are allowed in on cases. Its a public right.. So you can sit in the back and hear the whole thing for yourself.. Then tell her the stuff he failed to mention to her..
:iagree:

And I wouldn't be surprised if you run into your WIFE at the courthouse. Even though there is a no-contact order, I think she could mill about the courthouse and the back of the courtroom without anyone even noticing.

If she's there, that will tell you all you need to know.

And I agree with HtH... the prosecutor has to have a preponderance of evidence before even thinking about taking a case to trial. They are not in the business of wasting money and resourses on flimsy cases. They actually believe they can convict him. You are not getting the whole story here.
 
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