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She said he can’t afford it on his own. I doubt he has the money to buy her out. I also doubt the bank is going to refinance with him only. She needs to get her name off the mortgage if he ‘gets’ the house.
I have experience with this one. It will take a refinancing or selling of the house and paying it off to get her name off. A mortgage company will refuse to take a name off.

What happened in my instance is x-wife's lawyer demanded I refinance by a certain time. My lawyer told them if refinancing is their demand, that comes with closing costs and if she was the one demanding it, then she has to pay half the closing costs. They refused, and my lawyer told them they have 2 options then, 1) drop the demand and wait for it to be sold, or 2) pay half the closing costs.

And if they don't agree, then since she couldn't pay any of the marital debt, then it would be taken off the table that I take the debt in exchange for all the equity in the house. And if she still wanted equity without a quit claim deed, then she would still be responsible for half the mortgage payments. They agreed.
 

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It’s very difficult to be separated and still living together (I did it for almost a year while we untangled our finances he had complicated). It takes awhile to get used to it but detachment is the best gift ever. By the time my exH moved in with his gf, I was so tired of his drama that the peace and quiet every day was lovely.
Agreed.

The peace and quiet I've had over the past 3 days has been wonderful. I think I'll be looking forward to my time alone at my place.

Living together for a year. That would be..... I would need to figure something else out. I only had to do it 4 months and I was not a happy camper. It can be done.

I'd follow the advice given before. Detach. Stop talking with your spouse all together even if you have to live in the same house. It worked for me.
 

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Agreed.

The peace and quiet I've had over the past 3 days has been wonderful. I think I'll be looking forward to my time alone at my place.

Living together for a year. That would be..... I would need to figure something else out. I only had to do it 4 months and I was not a happy camper. It can be done.

I'd follow the advice given before. Detach. Stop talking with your spouse all together even if you have to live in the same house. It worked for me.
That time moved slowly. Once the divorce was final, I felt that a huge burden had finally been lifted and I could restart my life. My only regret was staying too long but hope can keep you hooked.
 
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Discussion Starter · #66 ·
Thanks for the advice and support everyone.

Yes, a year will be rough. I feel like it’ll make it so hard to actually stick to the “divorce” plan. I feel like I’ll continue to flip flop. It’d be much easier to stick to my decision if I had my own place. I have to accept that unless we sell the house, getting my own place will just not be possible right now. It’ll be much smarter to stay here and get another job and save money if at all possible. At least if I have 2 jobs it’ll keep me outside of the house.
 

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Thanks for the advice and support everyone.

Yes, a year will be rough. I feel like it’ll make it so hard to actually stick to the “divorce” plan. I feel like I’ll continue to flip flop. It’d be much easier to stick to my decision if I had my own place. I have to accept that unless we sell the house, getting my own place will just not be possible right now. It’ll be much smarter to stay here and get another job and save money if at all possible. At least if I have 2 jobs it’ll keep me outside of the house.
You do not want to increase your salary leading up to a divorce, and any savings you accumulate may have to be split with him 50/50. You need to get with a lawyer before doing these things.

It’s better to start over broke and rent a room for a year post divorce than work hard to increase your earning potential and savings only to have that counted against you and redistributed… especially when you have no kids to worry about. If you want to leave the best time to do so is the present.
 
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Discussion Starter · #68 ·
You do not want to increase your salary leading up to a divorce, and any savings you accumulate may have to be split with him 50/50. You need to get with a lawyer before doing these things.

It’s better to start over broke and rent a room for a year post divorce than work hard to increase your earning potential and savings only to have that counted against you and redistributed… especially when you have no kids to worry about. If you want to leave the best time to do so is the present.
Well, there is nothing besides our house for my husband and I to get from this divorce. Getting a job that pays just a bit more isn’t going to take anything away from me as far as what gets distributed. There is absolutely nothingn to distribute. Even if I managed to save any money it’d probably only end up being a few thousand dollars. I have less than $500 to my name now so having a few thousand saved would be great in comparison. So if the court wants to count a few thousand dollars against me and make me give half of it to my husband then whatever. We’re not talking a sizeable amount of money here at all.

The truth is I also almost certainly won’t be getting a 2nd job either. My first job alone is about to give me a mental breakdown. If I managed to find a new job it won’t pay much better than what I’m making now. I’m just trying to be honest with myself now.

I can’t rent a room. I have quite a few pets, plus the thought of renting a room sounds like absolute torture. I’m starting to think I’ll just stay married and find a way to put up with it if it’s between staying married and having to rent a room for a year plus being stuck in limbo for that long.
 

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Well, there is nothing besides our house for my husband and I to get from this divorce. Getting a job that pays just a bit more isn’t going to take anything away from me as far as what gets distributed. There is absolutely nothingn to distribute. Even if I managed to save any money it’d probably only end up being a few thousand dollars. I have less than $500 to my name now so having a few thousand saved would be great in comparison. So if the court wants to count a few thousand dollars against me and make me give half of it to my husband then whatever. We’re not talking a sizeable amount of money here at all.

The truth is I also almost certainly won’t be getting a 2nd job either. My first job alone is about to give me a mental breakdown. If I managed to find a new job it won’t pay much better than what I’m making now. I’m just trying to be honest with myself now.

I can’t rent a room. I have quite a few pets, plus the thought of renting a room sounds like absolute torture. I’m starting to think I’ll just stay married and find a way to put up with it if it’s between staying married and having to rent a room for a year plus being stuck in limbo for that long.
Im not trying to talk you out of staying or leaving. But if you’re going to leave, do it and do it well. There will ALWAYS be 100 reasons why you “can’t go” but you commit and make it happen anyway. But if you’re going to stay, stay well. Get counseling, mandate MC, find a way to improve your relationship and yourself.
 

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Along with the host of other things (sexless, lack of respect in a fairly new marriage, 11 or 12 “pets”), you really need to work on your finances and money management. There is absolutely no excuse for two working people in their mid thirties, WITHOUT children, to have only $500 to their name and NO retirement or savings at all. That’s insane. You really have to be prepared for this in all aspects, especially if you want children. The clock is ticking and you are going to have to eventually mate up with someone. What are you offering that prospective partner who will be the future father to your child? Good
luck with the lawyer. Make a list of questions. Without children, this should be an easy peasy divorce.
 
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Discussion Starter · #73 ·
Well I would file for the separation. Then just ride it out for a yr as moving is not an option at this point.
Yes I think being realistic about what I think I can actually handle right now mentally and financially, I will have to remain living in our home, not make any major career moves (not that I could since I don’t have any sort of qualifications for something with a dramatically higher rate of pay), and spend the time working on things like my health and fitness, my mental health, planning for what career field is like to move into and figuring out what I need to do to get there. If we can just agree to sell the house at that point and split profits since I know we will both need the cash then it might all be ok. I’ll be in limbo for a year but I can still work on a lot of things that I need to fix. I am a mess. I’d try to describe just how much but it’s be too embarrassing. I’m having trouble functioning in life and staying afloat mentally. That won’t just resolve if I get divorced. I need to start addressing those problems now so I can be in a healthier place, some place where I actually have motivation, where I don’t struggle to just get out of bed each day.
 
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Discussion Starter · #74 ·
I have 9 pets.

Yes, finances need a lot of work. I don’t think that I’m really bad with money management, but my husband is. We’ve been sharing finances and bills almost since we were first together. We’ve lived together most of our relationship. Money has always been a big problem between us because I believe in saving and be believes in spending. He always makes me feel bad or controlling for wanting to save, for telling him not to buy something costly that he wants. He gets money and it’s like he HAS to spend it. it’s my fault for putting up with it for so long, for marrying him even though I was well aware what he was like with money.

I prefer to be careful with my money and I don’t make big purchases unless it’s something necessary. I bought my current car when I absolutely had to, when my old car got it the point where it was needing repairs every single month which just became a money pit. I bought a very inexpensive but newer car that would be more reliable. My husband bought a car that was almost 3 times the cost of mine.

I make less than $40,000 a year and this is the most I’ve ever made at any job ever. I’ve been working since I was in college. I’m not lazy and I’m actually an excellent employee, I just got a useless college degree, fell into a low paying job field, and then sold myself short and basically fell victim to believing that this was the best I’d ever do.

My husband is also now making the most he’s ever made, which is more than me but not too much more. We’ve both had a string of not very well paying jobs. I don’t blame anyone for that but ourselves. We both got useless college degrees. We are both messes with mental problems. He was also unemployed for several years so it was just me supporting us which really set us back.

Yep, we cannot afford a child right now. I’ve always known that we couldn’t afford it and that it’s totally inappropriate to have a kid on purpose when you aren’t financially stable. It’s one of the reasons that I’ve intentionally avoided having one with him.

I don’t think a man with the qualities I’m looking for will be interested in me for a plethora of reasons, including what a loser I am as far as my job and my complete lack of any finances. Probably another reason I’m still here.
 
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Discussion Starter · #75 ·
Yes, you can certainly stay married. I think it’s very probable that you will. But it would be a huge mistake to bring a child into a dysfunctional marriage such as yours. I greatly wanted a child and I had one but unfortunately my child was always well aware of the situation, no matter how hard I tried to conceal it, and as a result doesn’t have good childhood memories. If I had it to do over I would have gotten a divorce, found someone compatible, and then had a child. But I didn’t believe in divorce then so I stayed in my marriage much too long. There’s always a price to be paid for that. You’ll discover it down the road.
Right now I feel that I’ll remain married, continue to try to convince myself that I like my husband more than I do, remain childless, and be unhappy forever. It will be my fault, nobody else’s.
 

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Right now I feel that I’ll remain married, continue to try to convince myself that I like my husband more than I do, remain childless, and be unhappy forever. It will be my fault, nobody else’s.
Going back and forth again for real, or just venting?
A guy, the right guy, will be self supporting and will start a relationship with you and money won't matter.
 
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Discussion Starter · #78 ·
Going back and forth again for real, or just venting?
A guy, the right guy, will be self supporting and will start a relationship with you and money won't matter.
Hopefully just venting, but feeling pretty hopeless about it all at the moment. Sometimes I feel sure that I can and will follow through with leaving but then I just get so overwhelmed. I admit, knowing me, that there’s a very good chance I could end up remaining married and miserable.
 

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Hopefully just venting, but feeling pretty hopeless about it all at the moment. Sometimes I feel sure that I can and will follow through with leaving but then I just get so overwhelmed. I admit, knowing me, that there’s a very good chance I could end up remaining married and miserable.
I get the overwhelmed feeling. Truly, I understand. You start thinking about a million things that need to get done and you aren’t sure if you can handle them.

you can.

just take your time. Move at your speed, no one else’s.
 
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Discussion Starter · #80 ·
I just don’t have faith in myself. My confidence is virtually nonexistent these days. I am already overwhelmed by life at the moment which is why I’m just not sure I have what it takes to actually leave right now. I thought I did a few days ago but then when reality set in it was too much. Most days I feel so overwhelmed that my chest is tight and I care barely breathe, feel as if a panic attack will come on at any moment or a nervous breakdown.

I try to tell myself just so things 1 day at a time. That’s what I’m going to try to work on this weekend. Try to get the current things in my life in order since everything is a disaster right now. If I could just feel like I could catch up on everything that’s an absolute mess right now then I could take on something else like a divorce. Of course my low paying job will have me working a day this weekend so there goes some time for myself to handle my own stuff.
 
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