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I’m considering a divorce but have not been able to pull the trigger quite yet.

In Canada you can be granted a divorce based on the following grounds:
-Separated for a year
-One of you committed adultery
-Your spouse has inflicted physical and/mental harm to you

So my only option right now is 1 year separation. Cleanest way to do it is to live separately. I’ve looked into apartments many times and at this moment I’d love nothing more to move out but financially it’s not realistic for me. I’m still in the home loan so would be responsible for contributing to that plus rent and utilities in an apartment, which I cannot afford.

We can be separated but live under the same roof, but it’s just trickier and certain conditions must be met. I hate the idea of being stuck here for a year but it’s probably the smartest option so I can focus on trying to save some money. I’m thinking of meeting with a lawyer to discuss it so I make sure I meet all conditions and the court will agree that we are separated.

Next is the financial difficulties I will face. As of today I have $500 to my name. We have no savings, no retirement, and while we do own our home I don’t want anything to do with it and am basically prepared to agree to let my husband decide about what happens with the house as long as I don’t get screwed or left on the hook in the end. I don’t want it and I can’t afford it on my own anyway.

I have been toying with the idea for about 6 months but within the past 2 weeks I’ve gotten very serious about it. Last week I told my husband I wanted a divorce and I meant it but then a few days later I told him I loved him and wanted to stay married. I don’t know why I went back on what I said. I’m scared. I can’t make up my mind. He’s the only person I really have and don’t want to lose him but at the same time he’s a horrible husband for me and I’m probably not what he wants for a wife either.

I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I have nobody in real life to talk to about it. I’m hoping if I just start talking about it like I’m really going to do it that I will finally make a move and take some action.

If anyone in Canadian has any experience with separation and divorce, any tips to share, please let me know.
Can't you sell the house and have half the profit each? That would give you money for rent.
You can also live in a house share.
 

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Its not very kind to tell someone you want a divorce and then take it back… you need more of a plan and way of working with him to carry it out. Maybe he would be relieved that you want to do it in an amicable manner and if he had input into how it’s done.

I second the need for IC though. You really should talk to someone about how you ended up in this position and confront the toxic aspects that you added to the marriage.
It's not mean or unkind if your partner knows what the plan is. If he understands there's a feeling they aren't good for each other (she claims this is the case) and that divorce makes sense, but the process takes a year and if, in the meantime, something changes... if her own therapy is in some way revealing and there is a path forward in which staying married makes sense, then they can call off the divorce.. if both agree at that time that it makes sense to do so.

I don't think she's mean or unkind in intention, ever. At the same time, I don't think she is really aware of the baggage she brings to any relationship, not just this one. I think she really underestimates her own sexual issues and how whatever core lies underneath all that doesn't change with a new partner. She could be sexually happy, along with her partner, for a while, only to later discover it was a house built on hopium, a desire (perhaps unintentional) to see the dynamics of the prior marriage as the problem, and she finds herself back where she started, only with a kid added to the relationship this time. Sexually, she just doesn't add up.

Much better to go through therapy now than after another relationship has started.
 

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It's not mean or unkind if your partner knows what the plan is. If he understands there's a feeling they aren't good for each other (she claims this is the case) and that divorce makes sense, but the process takes a year and if, in the meantime, something changes... if her own therapy is in some way revealing and there is a path forward in which staying married makes sense, then they can call off the divorce.. if both agree at that time that it makes sense to do so.

I don't think she's mean or unkind in intention, ever. At the same time, I don't think she is really aware of the baggage she brings to any relationship, not just this one. I think she really underestimates her own sexual issues and how whatever core lies underneath all that doesn't change with a new partner. She could be sexually happy, along with her partner, for a while, only to later discover it was a house built on hopium, a desire (perhaps unintentional) to see the dynamics of the prior marriage as the problem, and she finds herself back where she started, only with a kid added to the relationship this time. Sexually, she just doesn't add up.

Much better to go through therapy now than after another relationship has started.
Hm, I didn’t mean she was unkind, whatever their issues are. I think it is unkind to do though…throw out divorce for a week then beg them back, only to consider doing it again. I don’t think she is overtly doing that to be mean or nasty, she is just torn and confused. Sorry for the poor wording.
 

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I can see how your flip-flop actions would confuse him. Throw out divorce one day and take it back the next. The one smart thing you’ve done is not bring a child into this dysfunction. But you do want one and, fair or not, he very likely can have a child for decades more whenever he decides to and you can’t. So I suggest you start working on divorce so the two of you can move on.
 
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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
I’m also coming to realize that I think there may be a very sexual person inside me that’s just never found a man who turned her on or could satisfy her. I’m desperate to find a guy who I’m sexually attracted to and who I love having sex with. The more I think about it the hornier I get. When you’re contemplating cheating our your spouse because you’re so horny and want to experience what enjoyable sex actually feels like, it’s time to cut and run. Sex is not the top priority. I have a LIST of wants and needs in a man, but everything on the list equals what actually arouses me. I’m talking about so much more than physical characteristics. I simply don’t think my husband will ever be that man for me. It’d be asking for him to change into a totally different person. He does not have the qualities that I want and need in a man, especially a husband and father of my future children. I don’t say that to fault him. It’s just the truth. I don’t think I possess the qualities that he wants in a wife either.
 

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So with respect to kids. I think I was 24 or 25 when I got married, I forget because I am in the sports book watching the Giants Dodgers game and I need Dodgers to win by 2 runs.

Anyway…

I always thought she would someday get pregnant and she did too.

Around early 30s we were like hey wait a second… we could keep all the money and time for ourselves MUHAHAHAH…. So we did that instead and then bought a lot of exotic luxury items and travel. We don’t feel bad about it.
 
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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
So with respect to kids. I think I was 24 or 25 when I got married, I forget because I am in the sports book watching the Giants Dodgers game and I need Dodgers to win by 2 runs.

Anyway…

I always thought she would someday get pregnant and she did too.

Around early 30s we were like hey wait a second… we could keep all the money and time for ourselves MUHAHAHAH…. So we did that instead and then bought a lot of exotic luxury items and travel. We don’t feel bad about it.
Which is perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children and being happy with that decision. I do not believe that everybody wants kids and that those who say they don’t are really in denial and will either change their mind one day or regret their decision to not have them. No, some people are truly happier without kids.

My husband and I always talked about our future children earlier in our relationship. It was sort of a given we planned to have some. Then we’ve just had a lot of struggles, both to do with our reltionship and then just related to other life things. We both never felt that it was the right time, that we were ready, that we could afford it, that it was a good idea at all.

It’s not a matter of me saying I didn’t want kids and now changing my mind. I just realized a few years ago that my husband wasn’t what I imagined as the type of father I wanted for my kids. I also couldn’t imagine having a kid around our shared dysfunction either. So I tried to convince myself that I was ok not having children and that I wouldn’t be a good mom anyway, I’d probably just be better off if I avoided it since I knew as long as I was married to my husband it wasn’t a good idea. And I kept telling myself that until finally I couldn’t lie to myself any longer.

My current husband and I will never afford exoctic luxury items and fancy vacations, so even without kids we won’t be doing those things. My next husband must be financially stable and responsible with money.
 

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I’m not intentionally trying to jerk him around. I’m just confused, conflicted, and scared. I mean, if we get along for a day I think “I want to stay married, we can fix this.” Then he’s mean to me the next day and I also see a guy who I want to bang me into the next millennium and I’m like “oh yeah my husband is mean to me a lot and he also has never made me feel like I want him to bang me into the next millennium.” So then I’m googling divorce lawyers. But really it’s more complicated than that. It’s not normal to want a child but keep yourself from having one because you can’t envision your spouse as the kind of father you want for your kids, is it? Most sane people would leave upon that realization if they hadn’t left already.

He said he also wasn’t happy. Said we make good friends but lousy spouses. He even said he’d file the appropriate paperwork this week because he “wants me to be happy” but he hasn’t done it yet. He suggested I live in our home until I can afford to move out in my own but then he wants my sh*t out of “his” house. I’m not depending on him to do it. It’s not just me who keeps flip flopping. Neither of us can make up our minds on anything.
This seems more amicable than your relationship, work together with him in a friendly way to get it done. You both seem to be wasting time here.

And no, if you have zero sexual attraction for him and never have I do not think that will ever change. And you don’t think he would make a good father, you want kids and he doesn’t? All these are deal breakers I would think.

I’m also coming to realize that I think there may be a very sexual person inside me that’s just never found a man who turned her on or could satisfy her. I’m desperate to find a guy who I’m sexually attracted to and who I love having sex with. The more I think about it the hornier I get. When you’re contemplating cheating our your spouse because you’re so horny and want to experience what enjoyable sex actually feels like, it’s time to cut and run. Sex is not the top priority. I have a LIST of wants and needs in a man, but everything on the list equals what actually arouses me. I’m talking about so much more than physical characteristics. I simply don’t think my husband will ever be that man for me. It’d be asking for him to change into a totally different person. He does not have the qualities that I want and need in a man, especially a husband and father of my future children. I don’t say that to fault him. It’s just the truth. I don’t think I possess the qualities that he wants in a wife either.
Well, I think you are past convincing me. Cheating is the wrong thing to do at every turn, and everyone who has ever been cheated on wishes the person just asked for a divorce and moved on first. It sounds like all that’s needed at this point is the plan and the action.

Can you just sit down with him and plan it out together? Here’s what we will do with the house, here is the plan for separating, here is what you take, here is what I take. Let’s fill the paperwork out together tonight, etc.
 

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It was easy to put off kids for a long time with the idea that “it’ll get better one day.” It’s never gotten better and now I’m in my mid-30s and reality has slapped me in the face and I don’t have much time to put it off any longer.
This probably won’t help at all but the Dodgers won by two despite having several friends there who wanted to see me lose just out of pure jealousy. I collected on my ticket.

I wonder about a buddy of mine who is your age. He has a very huge awesome family and is married and he doesn’t have any kids yet. This guy is great with kids, he would be an awesome dad. Still nothing…

My wife and I chose to invest in other people’s kids through an endowment we set up. That way we can help the future but at the same time do no work other than signing checks.
 

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I’m not intentionally trying to jerk him around. I’m just confused, conflicted, and scared. I mean, if we get along for a day I think “I want to stay married, we can fix this.” Then he’s mean to me the next day and I also see a guy who I want to bang me into the next millennium and I’m like “oh yeah my husband is mean to me a lot and he also has never made me feel like I want him to bang me into the next millennium.” So then I’m googling divorce lawyers. But really it’s more complicated than that. It’s not normal to want a child but keep yourself from having one because you can’t envision your spouse as the kind of father you want for your kids, is it? Most sane people would leave upon that realization if they hadn’t left already.

He said he also wasn’t happy. Said we make good friends but lousy spouses. He even said he’d file the appropriate paperwork this week because he “wants me to be happy” but he hasn’t done it yet. He suggested I live in our home until I can afford to move out in my own but then he wants my sh*t out of “his” house. I’m not depending on him to do it. It’s not just me who keeps flip flopping. Neither of us can make up our minds on anything.
And why does he believe it’s his house? Did he own it himself before you two got married? I thought you made more than him. If it isn’t his house but marital property which is my understanding, it is best to sell it to get your name off the deed. Especially since you say he can’t afford it.


I’d go ahead and get it sold move into separate apartments for the separation so that when the divorce comes it’s done and not waiting on all the finances to be done.
 

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It’s amazing how much you know about your husband but not yourself. You have an awareness of the ravages of mental health issues, but so far, you have steadfastly avoided help yourself. In general the case will be made that a partner of someone with mental health issues will likely benefit from therapy.

It’s your life, you can do things in whatever order you wish, or not do therapy at all. But I have to believe getting clarity before you do something could benefit you going forward. It might also be of help to your husband, who’s got to be seriously confused by all this.
A therapist/psychologist will usually see that the spouse avoiding therapy (especially where the other has depression and PTSD!!) might be the cause.

Any time I see the dreaded ‘I suppose I should see a therapist, I know I need a therapist’, or claims of therapy isn’t going to help in advance… I’d tell the suffering spouse who is dying mentally and on the inside to leave and never look back.

What are you worried about exposing in therapy? The truth about you??
 

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From some of your earlier posts, it seems like a no-brainer to me that you should get a divorce. He's not respectful of you and he's got problems you can't do anything about. Remember you can always get on the internet and find a roommate. You can also work two jobs for a while or whatever it takes. I don't know how much he contributes or how much he spends but you might even be better off financially without him. But I don't know that.
 
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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
And why does he believe it’s his house? Did he own it himself before you two got married? I thought you made more than him. If it isn’t his house but marital property which is my understanding, it is best to sell it to get your name off the deed. Especially since you say he can’t afford it.


I’d go ahead and get it sold move into separate apartments for the separation so that when the divorce comes it’s done and not waiting on all the finances to be done.
He pays all of our bills out of his account. He sees him as paying the mortgage even though I send him half of every one of my paychecks to go towards our bills. The house is in both of our names.

I didn’t think of selling the house before a divorce. That’s be much easier on one hand but he’ll have to agree to it of course.
 
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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
From some of your earlier posts, it seems like a no-brainer to me that you should get a divorce. He's not respectful of you and he's got problems you can't do anything about. Remember you can always get on the internet and find a roommate. You can also work two jobs for a while or whatever it takes. I don't know how much he contributes or how much he spends but you might even be better off financially without him. But I don't know that.
My current job takes up so much of my time,including nights and weekends, that I don’t know how I’d work another one. I’ll have to leave my primary job first and find 2 new jobs. I am working on maybe finding another job soon but I probably won’t make much more. I just want more time to myself to get stuff done in my life and this job pays me less than $40,000 (Canadian) and had me running all over the city and working whacky schedules and taking up a lot of my free time.

Also need to be able to keep all my pets. It’s my 2 goats I’m most worried about because they are goats and need their outside area.
 

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He pays all of our bills out of his account. He sees him as paying the mortgage even though I send him half of every one of my paychecks to go towards our bills. The house is in both of our names.

I didn’t think of selling the house before a divorce. That’s be much easier on one hand but he’ll have to agree to it of course.
If you both agreed on it you can sell it anytime because it's in both your names. I'm just afraid he's going to drag his feet and not want to do it. Which means you will have to involve a court to say it has to be sold.
 

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He pays all of our bills out of his account. He sees him as paying the mortgage even though I send him half of every one of my paychecks to go towards our bills. The house is in both of our names.

I didn’t think of selling the house before a divorce. That’s be much easier on one hand but he’ll have to agree to it of course.
He of course has the option of buying you out of the house. He’d basically give you half the value of the house.
 

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My current job takes up so much of my time,including nights and weekends, that I don’t know how I’d work another one. I’ll have to leave my primary job first and find 2 new jobs. I am working on maybe finding another job soon but I probably won’t make much more. I just want more time to myself to get stuff done in my life and this job pays me less than $40,000 (Canadian) and had me running all over the city and working whacky schedules and taking up a lot of my free time.

Also need to be able to keep all my pets. It’s my 2 goats I’m most worried about because they are goats and need their outside area.
Yes I completely understand that. But it is possible you might be able to find a roommate out in the country or on an acreage. If you yourself rented a little house in the country and then advertise for a roommate you'd probably find one. But I realize all that sounds a lot easier than it really is when you're broke.
 
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He of course has the option of buying you out of the house. He’d basically give you half the value of the house.
She said he can’t afford it on his own. I doubt he has the money to buy her out. I also doubt the bank is going to refinance with him only. She needs to get her name off the mortgage if he ‘gets’ the house.
 
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