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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I’m considering a divorce but have not been able to pull the trigger quite yet.

In Canada you can be granted a divorce based on the following grounds:
-Separated for a year
-One of you committed adultery
-Your spouse has inflicted physical and/mental harm to you

So my only option right now is 1 year separation. Cleanest way to do it is to live separately. I’ve looked into apartments many times and at this moment I’d love nothing more to move out but financially it’s not realistic for me. I’m still in the home loan so would be responsible for contributing to that plus rent and utilities in an apartment, which I cannot afford.

We can be separated but live under the same roof, but it’s just trickier and certain conditions must be met. I hate the idea of being stuck here for a year but it’s probably the smartest option so I can focus on trying to save some money. I’m thinking of meeting with a lawyer to discuss it so I make sure I meet all conditions and the court will agree that we are separated.

Next is the financial difficulties I will face. As of today I have $500 to my name. We have no savings, no retirement, and while we do own our home I don’t want anything to do with it and am basically prepared to agree to let my husband decide about what happens with the house as long as I don’t get screwed or left on the hook in the end. I don’t want it and I can’t afford it on my own anyway.

I have been toying with the idea for about 6 months but within the past 2 weeks I’ve gotten very serious about it. Last week I told my husband I wanted a divorce and I meant it but then a few days later I told him I loved him and wanted to stay married. I don’t know why I went back on what I said. I’m scared. I can’t make up my mind. He’s the only person I really have and don’t want to lose him but at the same time he’s a horrible husband for me and I’m probably not what he wants for a wife either.

I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I have nobody in real life to talk to about it. I’m hoping if I just start talking about it like I’m really going to do it that I will finally make a move and take some action.

If anyone in Canadian has any experience with separation and divorce, any tips to share, please let me know.
 

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and while we do own our home I don’t want anything to do with it and am basically prepared to agree to let my husband decide about what happens with the house as long as I don’t get screwed or left on the hook in the end.
The smartest thing to do would be to force a sell on the house, and split the proceeds as per Canada's bylaws.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
The smartest thing to do would be to force a sell on the house, and split the proceeds as per Canada's bylaws.
Yes, good idea. Especially since our house has appreciated in value quite a bit since we bought it only a few years ago and neither of us have any savings or other assets as we embark on single life. That could really help us both out possibly. For the record I don’t wish anything bad on my husband. I’m actually quite worried about what will happen to him when we’re no longer together. I want him to find happiness. Also don’t want him to be saddled by the house. He cannot afford the house on his own either.
 

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I’m considering a divorce but have not been able to pull the trigger quite yet.

In Canada you can be granted a divorce based on the following grounds:
-Separated for a year
-One of you committed adultery
-Your spouse has inflicted physical and/mental harm to you

So my only option right now is 1 year separation. Cleanest way to do it is to live separately. I’ve looked into apartments many times and at this moment I’d love nothing more to move out but financially it’s not realistic for me. I’m still in the home loan so would be responsible for contributing to that plus rent and utilities in an apartment, which I cannot afford.

We can be separated but live under the same roof, but it’s just trickier and certain conditions must be met. I hate the idea of being stuck here for a year but it’s probably the smartest option so I can focus on trying to save some money. I’m thinking of meeting with a lawyer to discuss it so I make sure I meet all conditions and the court will agree that we are separated.

Next is the financial difficulties I will face. As of today I have $500 to my name. We have no savings, no retirement, and while we do own our home I don’t want anything to do with it and am basically prepared to agree to let my husband decide about what happens with the house as long as I don’t get screwed or left on the hook in the end. I don’t want it and I can’t afford it on my own anyway.

I have been toying with the idea for about 6 months but within the past 2 weeks I’ve gotten very serious about it. Last week I told my husband I wanted a divorce and I meant it but then a few days later I told him I loved him and wanted to stay married. I don’t know why I went back on what I said. I’m scared. I can’t make up my mind. He’s the only person I really have and don’t want to lose him but at the same time he’s a horrible husband for me and I’m probably not what he wants for a wife either.

I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I have nobody in real life to talk to about it. I’m hoping if I just start talking about it like I’m really going to do it that I will finally make a move and take some action.

If anyone in Canadian has any experience with separation and divorce, any tips to share, please let me know.
I think you need a better therapist before pulling the trigger on anything. Being all over the map is not something cured by divorce. Or a relationship. You need to understand why all the flip-flopping first, and find a way through or past it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I think you need a better therapist before pulling the trigger on anything. Being all over the map is not something cured by divorce. Or a relationship. You need to understand why all the flip-flopping first, and find a way through or past it.
A better therapist? I don’t even have a bad one.
I don’t have one at all currently.

I should probably get a therapist but either way I know my marriage isn’t good. I’m not sexually attracted to my husband and I never have been! I don’t enjoy sex with him at all. We fight all the time. He has a ton of issues and all of the therapy in the world that I do won’t fix his problems. He barely ticks any of the boxes in what I’ve realized I need from a man and in a marriage.After years of denial and then confusion I finally admitted to myself that I want a child. I told myself I ok not being a mom. I just can’t envision my husband being the kind of father I dream of for my kids. So I told myself I was ok not having children. Nope I realized I was lying to myself and I’ll be very upset at myself if I get old and have no kids and realize it was all my fault because I let myself stay with a man who won’t make a good dad.
 

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A better therapist? I don’t even have a bad one.
I don’t have one at all currently.

I should probably get a therapist but either way I know my marriage isn’t good. I’m not sexually attracted to my husband and I never have been! I don’t enjoy sex with him at all. We fight all the time. He has a ton of issues and all of the therapy in the world that I do won’t fix his problems. He barely ticks any of the boxes in what I’ve realized I need from a man and in a marriage.After years of denial and then confusion I finally admitted to myself that I want a child. I told myself I ok not being a mom. I just can’t envision my husband being the kind of father I dream of for my kids. So I told myself I was ok not having children. Nope I realized I was lying to myself and I’ll be very upset at myself if I get old and have no kids and realize it was all my fault because I let myself stay with a man who won’t make a good dad.
It's really tough for someone reading your threads to know how many of your husband's issues are native to him or reactive to you. It's also really tough to get a clue as to whether your lack of sexual attraction to him will carry over to others; worst-case scenario is you thinking everything's fine, nothing could possibly be worse than before, and then... and you want a child with whomever that next person is, drastically raising the stakes and responsibilities.

And no therapist or shrink to help you figure things out. Yikes. You are very intelligent and often grasp concepts that others find difficult. Yet there is no clarity for you in your own world.

It is 100% normal to have some fear of major change (like divorce) and cognitive dissonance associated with it. As in, what if I'm making a mistake. Normal. But that's not how you express yourself here. It's not fear of divorce; it's just different thinking on different days. Nothing cumulatively learned or taken comfort from. That's not normal. That's why, I think, you need some professional help before doing anything final. I'm not a professional, this is just my thinking.
 

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A better therapist? I don’t even have a bad one.
I don’t have one at all currently.

I should probably get a therapist but either way I know my marriage isn’t good. I’m not sexually attracted to my husband and I never have been! I don’t enjoy sex with him at all. We fight all the time. He has a ton of issues and all of the therapy in the world that I do won’t fix his problems. He barely ticks any of the boxes in what I’ve realized I need from a man and in a marriage.After years of denial and then confusion I finally admitted to myself that I want a child. I told myself I ok not being a mom. I just can’t envision my husband being the kind of father I dream of for my kids. So I told myself I was ok not having children. Nope I realized I was lying to myself and I’ll be very upset at myself if I get old and have no kids and realize it was all my fault because I let myself stay with a man who won’t make a good dad.
So these are some of your reasons you want to move on. Clearly not happy, makes sense. I have the problem of convincing myself I will be ok with things that I am not too certain about, then finding out I am in fact NOT happy. So I get it.

how old are the two of you? how long have you been married?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
It's really tough for someone reading your threads to know how many of your husband's issues are native to him or reactive to you. It's also really tough to get a clue as to whether your lack of sexual attraction to him will carry over to others; worst-case scenario is you thinking everything's fine, nothing could possibly be worse than before, and then... and you want a child with whomever that next person is, drastically raising the stakes and responsibilities.

And no therapist or shrink to help you figure things out. Yikes. You are very intelligent and often grasp concepts that others find difficult. Yet there is no clarity for you in your own world.

It is 100% normal to have some fear of major change (like divorce) and cognitive dissonance associated with it. As in, what if I'm making a mistake. Normal. But that's not how you express yourself here. It's not fear of divorce; it's just different thinking on different days. Nothing cumulatively learned or taken comfort from. That's not normal. That's why, I think, you need some professional help before doing anything final. I'm not a professional, this is just my thinking.
My husband has clinical depression, PTSD, a few differently diagnosed forms of anxiety, and is in the spectrum. He has issues that have nothing to do with me.

In saying that, I can guarantee you that I’m not the wife he dreamed of. I don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore (I think he used to be). I don’t think he likes me and there are legitimate things about me that he definitely had a right to dislike and probably should dislike. I’ve not been a great wife to him and he’s not been a great husband to me. Neither of us respects the other.

I will not jump right into a relationship with any man who will give me a child. I have very specific things I’m looking for in a man and crave a man like what I’m dreaming of. I’m also sort of ok with just being alone forever if I can’t find a man who fits the bill. I rather do that than settle again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So these are some of your reasons you want to move on. Clearly not happy, makes sense. I have the problem of convincing myself I will be ok with things that I am not too certain about, then finding out I am in fact NOT happy. So I get it.

how old are the two of you? how long have you been married?
I’m 34. We’ve been married for about 4 years but together around 12 years.
 

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I’m considering a divorce but have not been able to pull the trigger quite yet.

In Canada you can be granted a divorce based on the following grounds:
-Separated for a year
-One of you committed adultery
-Your spouse has inflicted physical and/mental harm to you

So my only option right now is 1 year separation. Cleanest way to do it is to live separately. I’ve looked into apartments many times and at this moment I’d love nothing more to move out but financially it’s not realistic for me. I’m still in the home loan so would be responsible for contributing to that plus rent and utilities in an apartment, which I cannot afford.

We can be separated but live under the same roof, but it’s just trickier and certain conditions must be met. I hate the idea of being stuck here for a year but it’s probably the smartest option so I can focus on trying to save some money. I’m thinking of meeting with a lawyer to discuss it so I make sure I meet all conditions and the court will agree that we are separated.

Next is the financial difficulties I will face. As of today I have $500 to my name. We have no savings, no retirement, and while we do own our home I don’t want anything to do with it and am basically prepared to agree to let my husband decide about what happens with the house as long as I don’t get screwed or left on the hook in the end. I don’t want it and I can’t afford it on my own anyway.

I have been toying with the idea for about 6 months but within the past 2 weeks I’ve gotten very serious about it. Last week I told my husband I wanted a divorce and I meant it but then a few days later I told him I loved him and wanted to stay married. I don’t know why I went back on what I said. I’m scared. I can’t make up my mind. He’s the only person I really have and don’t want to lose him but at the same time he’s a horrible husband for me and I’m probably not what he wants for a wife either.

I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I have nobody in real life to talk to about it. I’m hoping if I just start talking about it like I’m really going to do it that I will finally make a move and take some action.

If anyone in Canadian has any experience with separation and divorce, any tips to share, please let me know.
Just remember going back and forth with H on this will make the whole situation ten times worse. I think you're on the right track.
 

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My husband has clinical depression, PTSD, a few differently diagnosed forms of anxiety, and is in the spectrum. He has issues that have nothing to do with me.

In saying that, I can guarantee you that I’m not the wife he dreamed of. I don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore (I think he used to be). I don’t think he likes me and there are legitimate things about me that he definitely had a right to dislike and probably should dislike. I’ve not been a great wife to him and he’s not been a great husband to me. Neither of us respects the other.

I will not jump right into a relationship with any man who will give me a child. I have very specific things I’m looking for in a man and crave a man like what I’m dreaming of. I’m also sort of ok with just being alone forever if I can’t find a man who fits the bill. I rather do that than settle again.
It’s amazing how much you know about your husband but not yourself. You have an awareness of the ravages of mental health issues, but so far, you have steadfastly avoided help yourself. In general the case will be made that a partner of someone with mental health issues will likely benefit from therapy.

It’s your life, you can do things in whatever order you wish, or not do therapy at all. But I have to believe getting clarity before you do something could benefit you going forward. It might also be of help to your husband, who’s got to be seriously confused by all this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
It’s amazing how much you know about your husband but not yourself. You have an awareness of the ravages of mental health issues, but so far, you have steadfastly avoided help yourself. In general the case will be made that a partner of someone with mental health issues will likely benefit from therapy.

It’s your life, you can do things in whatever order you wish, or not do therapy at all. But I have to believe getting clarity before you do something could benefit you going forward. It might also be of help to your husband, who’s got to be seriously confused by all this.
I need therapy, I do. I have a lot of work to do on myself. But it doesn’t change the fact that our marriage is just toxic. We’ve both said it. It’s toxic. I have and still do consider that we could maybe do a lot of work on ourselves and then do marriage counseling, which we’ve never done, and just see if there was anything there worth working on. If we could like each other again. I mean, there’s still the attraction issues. And then what? We’ve spent a few years trying to work on ourselves and our marriage and realize it’s still not going to work and then I’m a few years older and my options have shrunk even more.
 

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I’m 34. We’ve been married for about 4 years but together around 12 years.
I just don't know what it is, but almost every time that I read about dissolution of marriages a big percentage of them are of people that were for many years together > 5 and then they marry, just to get divorce in just a couple or few years.

I have not idea what the statistics on that are, but you fit in there. You guys were together for at least 8 years together before marriage. I'm wondering what made you to marry? these issues had to be there long before you married. So, have you thought and analyzed what made you marry him knowing/having already all these issues? I would be curious to know what causes people in long term relationships to marry their partner when all those issues must already be present.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I just don't know what it is, but almost every time that I read about dissolution of marriages a big percentage of them are of people that were for many years together > 5 and then they marry, just to get divorce in just a couple or few years.

I have not idea what the statistics on that are, but you fit in there. You guys were together for at least 8 years together before marriage. I'm wondering what made you to marry? these issues had to be there long before you married. So, have you thought and analyzed what made you marry him knowing/having already all these issues? I would be curious to know what causes people in long term relationships to marry their partner when all those issues must already be present.
The issues were there before we married but they’ve gotten much worse over the past 2 years. I’d say we actually had a good 1-2 years immediately before marriage and the year immediately following. Not great but good.

I didn’t really want to get married, but we’d been together so long and it just seemed like the next thing to do. He basically told me we get married or he’s done because what’s the point? Also we are basically the only people each other has so we wanted to have the legal benefits and protections that come with marriage.

I married him because I was scared, thought I’d never find somebody else, because he was all I had, because I liked him well enough at the time and convinced myself that was enough.
 

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Can you rent the house out for a year and split whatever you make on it above the mortgage, and live apart for a year?

Is there an option for legal separation in the mean time?

Its not very kind to tell someone you want a divorce and then take it back… you need more of a plan and way of working with him to carry it out. Maybe he would be relieved that you want to do it in an amicable manner and if he had input into how it’s done.

I second the need for IC though. You really should talk to someone about how you ended up in this position and confront the toxic aspects that you added to the marriage.
 
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