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Discussion Starter #1
Just want to vent - Me and my hubby have a poor sex life (i.e., once a month, initiated by me). We've been talking and talking and trying to work it through. We came up with some things - on my end, for him, he wanted me to dress up more sexily and make sure meals are prepared. So - this week I really went all out for his b-day. 3 days of partying were planned. Tonight is the last night of partying.
I bought 4 inch heels, nylons, short shorts and a short leather dress. I got dressed up on Thursday night for a dinner out. I got dressed up last night for a comedy club show. Thursday - we get home - he mentions he's feeling really full. I didn't approach him because I knew he was telling me no for sex by saying that. I was like ok I know there's friday. So yesterday, we go out, this time I wear the leather dress, and I looked pretty hot, we get home, he's like I feel really 'pickled' (ie drank a lot). I knew then he was telling me no. I was so mad that I was emotionless and generally fed up. This is what he asked for - he said it would fix our sex life. I also was in a good mood (I hid that I also had a headache so that he wouldn't think that sex was unavailable) and all day I had been super nice to him. Wished him happy b-day by having lunch with him, bringing him cake, presents, making sure everyone he knew called him or wished him a happy b-day.
We'd had soo many conversations - of this is what I need - I need you to look 'this way' so that I'm turned on...I spent a lot of $ on those clothes, and I genuinely liked them and wore them proudly. It's just I feel this is the last straw. If I've done everything he needs - what is going on? Why didnt he eat less? why did he drink too much ? why wasnt he careful?? I'm so pissed - i figured he's want b-day sex.
Tonight is a night of partying and drinking with friends....no hope for tonight - we're getting home Late!
ughhhhh!
 

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He doesn't know what he wants. And you know people digest and people get soberer in an hour or so right? It sounds like excuses to me.
Has he always been this way?
I call BS on him. Male sexuality doesn't work that way. Yes those things can be an exciting addition and create more interest but if a man never initiates and only wants it once a month he probably has low testosterone, something is bothering him like depression, he has sexual dysfunction like and needs medication or he is feeling extremely pressured and like he can't please you. None of those things will be resolved by you making dinner or dressing up.
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Speaking as a husband, if a man truly loves & wants to be with his wife then he will want sex as much as you can stand it. If a husband doesn't want it then there is an emotional reason why not?? Sadly most of the time it is cheating? I feel for you.
 

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I don't know what his problem is but I assure you it isn't going to be solved by you dressing up or cooking.

The problem goes much deeper than that.
 

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May I ask how old the two of you are and if you have any kids. I agree with diwali123, he may suffer from LT and he would need to see a doctor for that. Wish my wife wouldve done that much for our sex life, it shows your really committed to keeping your sex life fresh and thats important
 

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Discussion Starter #6
we'll we're only 31, both of us, with no kids. Maybe it is a testosterone thing, but he keeps saying his drive isn't low...but I dont know if that's true. He says he masturbates once every 3 days approx. But sex with me, I guess there's so much anxiety around it nowadays. I try not to make nay pressure but I guess it's unspoken now...
 

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I hate to be the one to bring this up but is there any chance he is having an affiar. If he doesnt think his drive is low and he masterbates on a regualr basis(although once in 3 days doesnt seem too regular to me). Does he have a stressfull job or does he seemed botherd about anything else that may be distracting him?
 

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Something else is going on, he could have low drive or low T. Masturbating once every 3 days really isn't much. My husband is 30, we have sex 5-6 times a week and he still jerks off daily. If we go more than 2 days without sex, he's all over me.

If you don't suspect an affair, then he needs to see a doctor to rule out any physical or hormonal issues.
 

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Stop trying, OP. Your H needs to reach a stage where he wants to fix whatever it is that's wrong in your relationship. Right now, he's allowing you to jump through hoops whilst doing zilch about the problem himself.

Perhaps he has ED problems, perhaps he has low testosterone levels, perhaps he's watching too much porn - who knows? Whatever the problem, he needs to discuss it with you and try to help find a solution. Any chance of you both going to MC?
 

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Discussion Starter #12
We have tried MC, that's why all the talking and trying to work on this started out, and why I am doing these few things for him. I asked him to 'act like he loved me' because essentially that's what I wanted, although it's hard to tell a person what to do in that case. He's been a little more affectionate and making more time for me, just being more available at home (He usually plays Video games for hours on end) so he's tried to cut down on that.
I asked him about the porn too - I told him that he's probably watching too much. It seems he wants very specific things - like me to dress a certain way, to do anal, and I guess act more like arm candy (his words). I guess that is not normal - like that he wants sex in a very specific way.
Im also thinking because in our relationship he's more the dominator and I'm more submissive. But is it usually the dominant one in a relationship that dictates when sex will be? Is that how it is with men who are more dominated by their wives? I dont know...like do the H's have to come to their wives and practically beg for sex and the woman decides?
 

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We have tried MC, that's why all the talking and trying to work on this started out, and why I am doing these few things for him. I asked him to 'act like he loved me' because essentially that's what I wanted, although it's hard to tell a person what to do in that case. He's been a little more affectionate and making more time for me, just being more available at home (He usually plays Video games for hours on end) so he's tried to cut down on that.
I asked him about the porn too - I told him that he's probably watching too much. It seems he wants very specific things - like me to dress a certain way, to do anal, and I guess act more like arm candy (his words). I guess that is not normal - like that he wants sex in a very specific way.
Im also thinking because in our relationship he's more the dominator and I'm more submissive. But is it usually the dominant one in a relationship that dictates when sex will be? Is that how it is with men who are more dominated by their wives? I dont know...like do the H's have to come to their wives and practically beg for sex and the woman decides?
What he is doing to you is abusive and completely demeaning. Making you perform a dog and pony show then not throwing a bone. Absolute cruelty - he knows how much it hurts you and must enjoy it. Maybe he's repaying you for something that happened in the past. They say that dogs never forget. Well I know the feeling well, of going out if your way, getting excited then hearing the headache line on the way back home. You can smell the setup at that point and know you have been duped the whole night well before you even left to dinner or wherever.

Start looking at male porn and leave you vibrator laying around.

Someone needs to creat a website where we can swap partners here. Match up all the LDs and HD partners. That way your LD man and another's LD wife can live together in perfect isolation an misery.

Again, you are not his little pet that he gets to starve. Even animals get the protection of ASPCA - insane how cruel people can be!
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So now you see that he asked for things....and still no sex. Why did HE get to call the shots? Stop that. He can ask for nothing. I'm sure you already do enough.

YOU make the requests/demands and see exactly what is going on. Suggest therapy. if he isn't into that, then set consequences.

Maybe a doctor physical is needed. Blood work, etc.

And see if he's cheating.
 
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Sounds like he wants you to be his real life porn stand in. Disgusting & abusive. If you're not careful he will strip you of the self respect you have left.
 

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I feel your frustration. My husband doesn't like to have sex much either, and we're about the same age as you. I think mine for different reasons though, which we are working on. I know, it makes you feel unloved, and unattractive. Especially if your a women who is used to having gotten a lot of male attention in the past. You feel like beating your head over a table, because you try everything, and nothing seems to work.
I know your trying to meet his needs so that you can have a better sex life. So be glad that he's communicated his desires with you,what turns him on, and the fact that he's still materbating and looking at porn. In this case, I'd rule out low libido, low testosterone, or psychological illness that might affect his sex drive.
I don't think there is anything wrong with him having certain things that turn him on, or please him sexually. What is wrong with that ladies!? Don't you have things that turn you on too? I'd say see if you can give it a shot...try some of the things that he likes once you do have sex (unless they are very realistically things that hurt you). Communicate with him what turns you on too. So he can meet your needs also.
Also, give it some time. I've learned w/ my husband that things don't just happen when I want them to. Just like things aren't going to always happen for him just when he wants them. It takes time. I know it's frustrating, but just keep trying to be patient. Don't give up.
If he is cheating, you'll find out sooner or later. Don't let yourself get paranoid. Don't let that be a quotient right now unless you have some evidence. It's easy for women who've been cheated on to point the finger directly to that, but don't get too caught up in that.
Sex is one of the most common complaints in marriage, from the way the spouse is doing it/not doing it, style, lack there of. I mean, just look at the number of threads in under the sex topic of the forum in comparison to the rest of the topics.
I'd say just relax, stop trying so hard, be yourself, focus on what you do have going for you in your relationship right now. Like things that you are very compatible in right now. Put sex aside for just a moment, and hope that he'll come around. Try to get your spark back. I think sex for men is a lot more of a mental and emotional thing that we sometimes realize.
 
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