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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please, I need help....

I have been married for 4 years, and my marriage has been so very hard all the way through, please I need some advice...

My husband is a very decent person, but sometimes he goes to the extreme when he is upset, or very angry at something.

Things have been very difficult since him and I even first got together. The reason being is because his ex wife has done everything in her power to drive us apart, and now it's turned financial, and things have just gotten worse.

For the past 2 years, my husband has not been able to find work. Back in 2009, my husband's ex wife put a false charge on him for "Assault of a family member" when an incident happened at a ball park where his son was playing baseball. It was his weekend, but a couple of days before that, the car we had broke down, so he had called her and said that he may not be able to get the kids that weekend, and she was very happy about that.

But, we decided that we would do what we could and use my car to go ahead and get the kids, and bring them to our house. He went by himself to the ball park to see his son play baseball, and try to get them for the rest of the weekend. It was Saturday morning, and he went to the ballpark where his son was playing, next thing I know, I get a phone call from his mother saying that he was getting arrested. When we got there, the kids were trying to tell the officer that it wasn't their dads fault, that their mom was the one who started the argument. He tried to get the kids to come with him, they wanted to come, but she was holding them (this was in May in TX) against her car, when their son stated that he was hurting him. My husband went to try to get her hand off of him so he could pull himself away from the hot metal of the car, and she threw herself back and then claimed he shoved her onto the ground. He was arrested, he lost his job, and after that things went TOTALLY downhill.

My husband works a professional occupation, so when he went to look for another position, he was told quite a few times that his record was standing in the way because it was a fresh new charge of assault. The backstory didn't matter. All they saw was the charge itself. During that time, his child support arrears started building, because the court ordered him to pay 25% of his check to his ex, and with no paycheck, things started adding up.

We initially got a family attorney who we thought could help, but all that attorney did was charge us money and do nothing to help...arrears kept adding up. When the charge on his record got older, then it started becoming a question of his credit. He did manage to get another job, but then the Attorney General put a lien on our account for the entire amount that they claimed he owed in child support, and we lost all of the money that was in the account. We had to close the account and now that is a matter of public record on him. Now the issue is that a company won't bring him on because of the arrears, apparently a company doesn't want that kind of liability.

Two years later, my husband is still out of work, and according to the attorney general, $35,000 in arrears with his ex wife. We have tried repeatedly to work with her to make some kind of settlement, even offering her a lump sum that we would have to borrow from a family member to try to get her to settle the arrears to get it off of his record, but she refuses to settle.

All of this is taking a toll on our marriage. A man that was good and mild tempered has turned into a raging monster at times. He has broken our TV, along with many other things that we have had around the house. Now he has turned into a man that I don't know anymore, but I still love the husband that I married. I admit, I'm not perfect, I have gotten to the point where I'm so afraid of making him angry that I hide things from him that go on, I can't even talk about how my day at work went because he gets upset because he hasn't been able to work, even though he has been submitting applications and resumes.

My husband has been back and forth to court several times regarding trying to get things taken care of with the arrears so he can start work again. His ex refuses to settle anything, and we have been told it's all in her hands. We have another attorney, but this attorney is worthless as well...his mother and I paid him $2,500 to help, and his advice was for me not to go with him to court because it may "upset his ex wife and keep her from being willing to settle". However, the first day that he showed up to court after we retained his services, my mother in law overheard him talking to my husband's ex wife about having contacts at the place where she works and helping to get her a promotion at her job by getting in touch with his contacts. Now it seems that she has gotten her promotion.

The government even took income tax money that I made to give to her, even as much as $4,200 of one of my returns. I have tried to talk to her myself, even telling her that I was in a similar situation with my ex husband in that he owed $27,000 in arrears and I forgave it because he came to me because he had a job waiting for him, but they gave him 30 days to clear the situation with his arrears with me. Now, we have a good relationship, he has his nice job and he helps me with our daughter in being there for her as a dad, which to me is important. The first time my husband went to court about this, his ex said "I want this over with, THROW HIM IN JAIL!!" and even the judge in the case told her that it was a bit harsh to be like that, think of the children and how they would feel if their father went to jail.

Now it has come to the point where him and I are arguing ALL the time. If we're not arguing, we're not speaking. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, and I am sad beyond belief. I know I'm not perfect, but sometimes, he takes things out on me like I'm his ex wife because he is so angry that she is doing this to him. I want my marriage back, I love my husband so much, but I can't even talk to him about bills because he gets angry, I can't talk to him about my daily job because he gets angry, and I am trying to go for a second job to help both pay the bills and get some money together for if I have to pay another lawyer (this will be the 3rd) to help keep him out of jail.

It has gotten to the point where even if I tell my husband something, he doesn't believe me until it's what he wants to hear. Case in point, the other day at church, he swears I went to sleep, which I tried to tell him I did not, and it turned into a huge argument where I ended up having to leave the house because he told me that no matter what I said, I fell asleep, even though I was trying to tell him I didn't. I cry at work constantly because it's deeply hurting me inside, and I don't know where to turn anymore. I can't open my heart up to him to talk because I fear it will make him angry, and he gets even more angry when he thinks I'm telling him what he wants to hear. Things that normally wouldn't bother him now drive him into a mad rage and anything that I try to bring him back around fail...I feel helpless, I am in a depression, I can't focus at work, I can't focus on my children because everything has gone to crap...I think I have tried everything in my power to get my marriage back on track, but I have failed...this is my 3rd marriage, so I am beginning to think that perhaps there is something wrong with me...

Can someone please give me some advice?
 

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Something wrong with you? You are a bad man picker.

If his rages are frequent and he verbally abuses you ( puts you down and blames you ) it is time for you to leave before it turns physical.

Also you should not be paying his child support. He needs to find work. Any kind of work. It doesn't matter what it pays - just find a job already.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have been trying to tell him that he needs to find something to work, and so far, nothing.

He is blaming all women, every time we fight, he tells me I'm just like his ex because I am a woman, he tells me that I'm just like his ex wife was, but I try to tell him I'm not because his ex wife didn't pay for anything, she chose not to work and I'm working my tail off trying to make ends meet. I stay as much at work as I can, and even the rate of money I make, which is good for someone in my position, isn't covering everything.

My first marriage was physically abusive. The second one was turning that way but we split up because his father molested my (at the time) 5 year old daughter, and he took the side of his family over the side of my daughter and I, and now this marriage has ended up this way. I am so sad, and every time I talk to my husband, if it's not what he wants to hear, he doesn't want to hear it, and he will keep after me until he gets his answers. Yes, the truth is, he does put me down a lot, telling me that I'm just a woman and I'm stupid, and maybe if I had tried in my other marriages, I could have made them work. I try to tell him that yes, I made my mistakes in my marriages, but they still would have ended the same way because of the circumstances. Every time we argue, he tells me I'm just like his exes, and every mistake I've made in our marriage, he throws in my face. There was one time I had considered going outside of the marriage, so I went and had lunch with another man, but the minute I got there, I knew that wasn't what I wanted, and I would regret it, so I left and I haven't made that mistake again, but he found out about it, so now every time we argue, he throws that in my face and tells me I broke his heart when I did that. I tried to tell him that the reason I had felt that way was complicated....my brother had Hodgkins Lymphoma and passed away at 23 years old, but the Christmas before, he had wanted to come stay with me for a week...but when I asked my husband if it would be ok, he threw a fit and created an argument so bad, I ended up telling my younger brother that it wasn't a good time...and he passed away less than 2 months later...it was about 2 weeks after that I went to lunch with the other man. I felt so resentful that I couldn't spend some time with my brother before he passed...and the phone that had his last text message to me the night before he passed away, my husband broke, and I will never have that again...then he took the urn that had my brother's ashes and dumped them all over the garage floor...I don't think I ever got over that. That's not the man I married, I keep telling him, and he says that man is dead...I'm so depressed I can't even have a physical relationship with him or anyone else...
 

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I'm wondering why you keep picking abusive men?

The arguments surrounding your arguments with your husband probably have nothing to do with the original subject. It's like a big argument with little arguments orbiting around it.

For starters I recommend you stop arguing. Instead of defending try asking him questions to defuse the situation. This may take a lot of tongue biting and poker face practice.

If you have already done that, seek IC if you are not already doing that. Find out why you are attracting and attracted to abusive men.
 

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This is not sounding to me like an abusive man necessarily.

The kind of strain this type of situation can bring is HUGE. I dealt with it and my ex and I had to keep reminding each other, "We are on the same team. We can't let HER tear us apart."

You need to get an attorney that is a member of the Matrimonial Trial Lawyers Association and stop wasting money on the deadbeats you've been hiring. Hire a GAL if you can.

If this is absolutely not an option because the arrears are too much and your earnings are not able to cover the cost of an attorney, contact the state bar association and ask them for resources. There aren't nearly enough and they're never great, but you seriously need help from someone who is qualified and is a TRIAL attorney.
 

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OMG I am so sorry - he dumped your brother's ashes out?

He's horribly abusive & you are making so many excuses for him. You say your entire 4 yr. marriage has been "hard."

Having a horrible ex wife & no job does not give a free pass to verbally & emotionally abuse you.

I was married to an abusive man & left. That is my advice - leave.
 

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Get out, this marriage isn't 2 people, it's 3 & you're the 3rd wheel.
His ex wife is the woman that sane men have nightmares about.
Your husband is in such a mess, that nothing short of a miracle will get any of it cleared up.
There's really nothing you can to help your husband's situations & it sucks that the gov't takes your refund when it pays for his arrears.
It happens all the time, the new wife paying for back child support.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all so much for your advice. We have agreed to go to the professionals and if that doesn't work, we may have to split.

His ex wife is causing way too many problems and he's not dealing with it the way a normal person would.

Sometimes, just too many problems on too many levels...
 

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I am glad you're getting help together. It's hard to imagine how much strain an evil ex can put on a guy by making their child a pawn. His behavior may reflect just how powerless he feels. This is no excuse for not treating you well, though.

My bet is that he left her, and she's punishing him for abandoning her. Reading up on Parental Alienation Syndrome may prove very helpful to you both and give you some great resources.
 
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