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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone!
I just found this online forum and thought about sharing my story here with the hope that people who have experienced something similar might give me some advice on how to process my feelings and heal.
I am recently going through a divorce. It was a very toxic relationship that included psychological, emotional, physical, and financial abuse. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD nearly 8 years prior to our marriage but together, he and his family decided to conceal this fact from me. There were many aspects of his life that were a secret such as his drug addiction and past relationships. Throughout our marriage I was lied to and as you can imagine my trust is completely shattered.
When all hope of trying to fix our marriage seemed to be lost and I became suicidal, I finally decided to leave and came back to stay with my family. Needless to say that my decision was not received well and I continued to get angry calls where he would verbally abuse me, demean me, criticize me and blame me for the breakdown of our marriage. I was so traumatized that for a year I could not sleep properly, would get panic attacks, and nightmares, and would cry uncontrollably whenever I was alone. It is important to state that during this time, even my family didn't believe me as he would pretend to be so charming in front of everyone else.
Luckily, through my cousin, his ex-fiance contacted me and told me about her relationship with him. I was shocked to find the similarities between her story and mine. Weeks later, I decided to confront my husband with these new facts and that's when he told me that he was diagnosed with ADHD but refused to accept that his mental condition had anything to do with the problems in our marriage. In his anger, he would throw things, punch holes in the walls, doors, throw food in the mall (oh yes he loved creating a scene in the public), shout at me while we would be outside, push me aggressively against the furniture, yell at people at the stores and road and drive like a maniac causing me to fear for my life.
When I told him to show me his medical records so that I would understand his condition better and we could work on our marriage accordingly, he refused and decided to file for divorce instead. His ex-fiance told me that his untreated ADHD had become severe and had reached the stage known as bipolar disorder. Whatever the whole truth may be, I still suffer from nightmares and cannot function like I used to because I have a long journey of healing before me.
 

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Hello everyone!
I just found this online forum and thought about sharing my story here with the hope that people who have experienced something similar might give me some advice on how to process my feelings and heal.
I am recently going through a divorce. It was a very toxic relationship that included psychological, emotional, physical, and financial abuse. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD nearly 8 years prior to our marriage but together, he and his family decided to conceal this fact from me. There were many aspects of his life that were a secret such as his drug addiction and past relationships. Throughout our marriage I was lied to and as you can imagine my trust is completely shattered.
When all hope of trying to fix our marriage seemed to be lost and I became suicidal, I finally decided to leave and came back to stay with my family. Needless to say that my decision was not received well and I continued to get angry calls where he would verbally abuse me, demean me, criticize me and blame me for the breakdown of our marriage. I was so traumatized that for a year I could not sleep properly, would get panic attacks, and nightmares, and would cry uncontrollably whenever I was alone. It is important to state that during this time, even my family didn't believe me as he would pretend to be so charming in front of everyone else.
Luckily, through my cousin, his ex-fiance contacted me and told me about her relationship with him. I was shocked to find the similarities between her story and mine. Weeks later, I decided to confront my husband with these new facts and that's when he told me that he was diagnosed with ADHD but refused to accept that his mental condition had anything to do with the problems in our marriage. In his anger, he would throw things, punch holes in the walls, doors, throw food in the mall (oh yes he loved creating a scene in the public), shout at me while we would be outside, push me aggressively against the furniture, yell at people at the stores and road and drive like a maniac causing me to fear for my life.
When I told him to show me his medical records so that I would understand his condition better and we could work on our marriage accordingly, he refused and decided to file for divorce instead. His ex-fiance told me that his untreated ADHD had become severe and had reached the stage known as bipolar disorder. Whatever the whole truth may be, I still suffer from nightmares and cannot function like I used to because I have a long journey of healing before me.
One of the girls that I went to school with went on to become a psychiatrist , she was the person that interview and had as patient a famous killer she had to go into treatment with a psychiatrist after her work was done ,

It is important that you get help from a good psychiatrist that you can work with,
you need time to heal and it is something that needs time and work , may be a change, talk more to your cousin, his ex-fiancé about all sides of how she is dealing with the after mat of him , and the side you saw of him was worse than she did .

A Psychiatrist is no different than using a crutch if you have a broken leg
 

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You are brave, and you did not tolerate that and got yourself out even amid all the confusion and not knowing what was going on or understanding it. Your instincts and common sense were all you needed to rely on to know you had to leave. You were lied to and abused and conspired against. Your trust will have to be earned going forward.

I think you're very strong but since this did put you on the brink of being suicidal, I do think you need to go ahead and get in therapy with a real psychologist or psychiatrist because you have a dangerous vulnerability there that you need to explore and close.

But I have to tell you you handled this better than most people do. Did you know that it takes an average of nine times for people to leave their abuser successfully?
It defies reason, but the combination of someone having influence and control over you and all the other complications make it hard to leave.

But you had clear boundaries and got out, and you should be proud of yourself. If you think it would help to talk to the other woman some more, do it. But the main thing is work towards putting this behind you but it deserves some work first so you don't just bury your emotions and remain vulnerable.

So sorry this happened to you.
 

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I still suffer from nightmares and cannot function like I used to because I have a long journey of healing before me.
Get yourself a good therapist. Too much damage has been done for you to fix it without help.

Also consider going to an Al-Anon meeting which is a support group for people, like you, who love addicts. Similar to when you talked to his EX & the lights went on you will find insights into what happened. You will feel less alone.
 

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You found the strength to leave him = good for you.

I hope that the account of his ex-fiance will be sufficient to convince your host family as well.

Focus on healing yourself.

Check following link for relevant options:


Check following books for meaningful perspectives given your experience and situation:



 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
One of the girls that I went to school with went on to become a psychiatrist , she was the person that interview and had as patient a famous killer she had to go into treatment with a psychiatrist after her work was done ,

It is important that you get help from a good psychiatrist that you can work with,
you need time to heal and it is something that needs time and work , may be a change, talk more to your cousin, his ex-fiancé about all sides of how she is dealing with the after mat of him , and the side you saw of him was worse than she did .

A Psychiatrist is no different than using a crutch if you have a broken leg
You found the strength to leave him = good for you.

I hope that the account of his ex-fiance will be sufficient to convince your host family as well.

Focus on healing yourself.

Check following link for relevant options:


Check following books for meaningful perspectives given your experience and situation:



Thank you so much for posting the resources here for me to read. Really appreciate the effort.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You are brave, and you did not tolerate that and got yourself out even amid all the confusion and not knowing what was going on or understanding it. Your instincts and common sense were all you needed to rely on to know you had to leave. You were lied to and abused and conspired against. Your trust will have to be earned going forward.

I think you're very strong but since this did put you on the brink of being suicidal, I do think you need to go ahead and get in therapy with a real psychologist or psychiatrist because you have a dangerous vulnerability there that you need to explore and close.

But I have to tell you you handled this better than most people do. Did you know that it takes an average of nine times for people to leave their abuser successfully?
It defies reason, but the combination of someone having influence and control over you and all the other complications make it hard to leave.

But you had clear boundaries and got out, and you should be proud of yourself. If you think it would help to talk to the other woman some more, do it. But the main thing is work towards putting this behind you but it deserves some work first so you don't just bury your emotions and remain vulnerable.

So sorry this happened to you.
Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes I have started therapy too. And you are right it wasn't easy to leave. In fact I almost cancelled my flight because I was confused, didn't want to give up on our marriage and wanted to talk it out. But that night we again had a terrible fight which led to him yelling and punching the writing desk and me hiding in the walk-in closet. That night I decided I cannot fix it and decided to leave. Back then, the intention was just to get a little space from all the mess, but that space led to clarity and lots of facts being uncovered.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
One of the girls that I went to school with went on to become a psychiatrist , she was the person that interview and had as patient a famous killer she had to go into treatment with a psychiatrist after her work was done ,

It is important that you get help from a good psychiatrist that you can work with,
you need time to heal and it is something that needs time and work , may be a change, talk more to your cousin, his ex-fiancé about all sides of how she is dealing with the after mat of him , and the side you saw of him was worse than she did .

A Psychiatrist is no different than using a crutch if you have a broken leg
Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I have started therapy too as well as some mindful exercises.
 

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Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes I have started therapy too. And you are right it wasn't easy to leave. In fact I almost cancelled my flight because I was confused, didn't want to give up on our marriage and wanted to talk it out. But that night we again had a terrible fight which led to him yelling and punching the writing desk and me hiding in the walk-in closet. That night I decided I cannot fix it and decided to leave. Back then, the intention was just to get a little space from all the mess, but that space led to clarity and lots of facts being uncovered.
You had to get a little distance to see your situation objectively. Well done.
 

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Well done for escaping such an awful situation.
I really don't think anyone should be excused for such terrible behaviour just because they have ADHD. He can clearly control it when he wants to as he did in front of your family.
 
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