Not sure I agree with this completely. Threatening exposure gives them time to paint you as jealous, crazy, off your rocker, etc. in order to minimize the impact. I would just go nuclear right now. She had her chance to come clean.She's a teacher and you work in a small community. Threaten exposure if she doesn't stop it right away.
Agree. I changed my tune during my thread in the second paragraph. I'd expose now, who cares if her reputation is soiled. She's the one that soiled it after all. She seems pretty proud of her decisions and doesn't feel that she did anything wrong. Well, let the community be the judge of that...Not sure I agree with this completely. Threatening exposure gives them time to paint you as jealous, crazy, off your rocker, etc. in order to minimize the impact. I would just go nuclear right now. She had her chance to come clean.
It's your choice. But she appears to be an unrepentant cheater. It may be her hometown, but she took a giant dump on her "community" by acting like a horses ass and having an affair on her husband and family. Adding into this that she is a person who has access to the children of this community, you are doing your community no favors by not exposing her for what she is.Sorry "Plan" That's not how I roll. Keep in mind I have kids in this school too. I need to protect them as well. Most everyone that works in this school I know very well and consider my friends. We are a community. This is also her hometown. This is my kids hometown. Reading what "Pit" has written about the drugs the brain is dealing with while in an affair. Doesn't make it right but helps me understand what is possibly going on in her head and why the sudden change in character. Right now I need to get through the Holidays. I am also trying to figure out how to deal with my religious beliefs here too. There is a lot going on in my head.
I'm sorry you are here with the rest of us, I would rather not have had the need for CWI myself.Married 19 yrs. 3 kids. She's 46. I always felt our marriage was pretty good compared to other around us. But I was wrong. A few months ago she gave me the she loves me but not in love line. Claims she's in a Midlife Crisis. Some pre-menopause symptoms too. I was being extra supportive as she has these emotional episodes from time to time. This time it was more intense so I took special interest to make sure I made some positive changes for her/us as I knew her age and some of the recent life events had her feeling old. Her self esteem has always been lacking even though I would tell her how good she looks and what a good job she does. Not enough I suppose. Lately She spends her nights with Face book and searching Pinterst for inspirational quotes. Mostly things that pertain to no longer taking crap anymore. An attitude we all seem to adapt when we get into our 40’s. I've told her that these activities are not positive activities.
Because of her late drunk nights out with her girlfriend (supposedly) returning home early in the morning was causing me concern about if she was having a drinking problem. But after a few odd incidents my gut was telling me something else. So two months ago I asked if she was cheating with one of her boyfriends from High School. She denied it but said things that had me really doubt her. Since then but I have been even more suspicious of her and have made a habit of checking her phone and computer when I had the opportunity. She would give me a hard time and tell me to stop stalking her. Jealousy and suspicion do weird things to a guy.
D-Day for me was 3 wks ago. During the first week after D-Day she was very supportive and compassionate toward me. Feeling sorry and showing what appeared to be remorse. It was to early for me to really tell as my head was a mess. We talked a lot and had some real quality time. She's still in the house. We are trying to keep it together for the kids right now because of the Holiday's and we didn't want to jump right away. Because we live in a small town and don't want the word out until we figure out if we can fix things. She's a teacher and many people/kids know her (us). So I am concerned for her reputation and her job. Originally we came up with a plan that we would get through the remainder of the school year. (Our Daughter's Senior yr and two younger boys.) and seek some professional help so we can figure out what to do. We do get along and can enjoy each other's company. We still shared laughs. I feel I'm still very much in love with her and attracted to her but she is not attracted to me as there is no intimate contact. (not much at all since the end of June)
Things were going pretty well the last couple of weeks considering the circumstances, with an occasional heated discussion. We were able to enjoy each other's company and go about our parental duties. We don't hate each other (yet) Then yesterday morning before my workout I found out that she is still having conversations with the OM on facebook. Even after she told me she was not and at one point told me that she would unfriend him on Facebook (lied) and denies she said that (another lie). I'm quite sure she is still texting him too (She deletes all her text messages) So I can't verify. But my gut says she is. So at 4:30 I came into the bedroom flipped on the lights and asked what’s this about with the messages? I was not able to read the messages I found and I asked her to open them so I can read. She said NO. So there must have been something that she doesn't want me to read or is just being stubborn or both. At that point I demanded that this affair ends today! And she tell him that there cannot be anymore contact. She told me she can't do that. She's to wrapped up emotionally and can't flip that switch off. She keeps telling me that I don't own her and can't control her by keeping her prisoner and to stop treating her like a child. etc. My opinion is that she a selfish fence sitting cake eater. I flat out told her that if it doesn't end she needs to find some other place to go. I am not an option. or a Plan B. She wants no boundaries.
I've tried to explain to her that what she and this guy have is a relationship based on Lies and Deceit. And that she is disrespecting Me, Our marriage and our kids. She doesn't see it that way at all and tells me not to use the kids against her. It got the ugliest yesterday when she made the comment about me making sure that I don't start harassing him as doing that I could end up in jail. I pointed out to her that I have not done anything illegal. Her and the OM are the ones that have committed a crime and pointed out to her that in our state Adultery is a Class 1 Felony and he could be arrested for his actions fined and spend time in jail. She got real mad about that. I have no proof of the affair other than what she has told me. And that's not a lot other than who it is and that it was more than once. I'm gathering that it's been going on for about 6 months. She has told me that some secrets should be taken to the grave. So she's not real cooperative in helping me heal by giving me information I need to accomplish this. As cliche as it sounds, she's gone completely CRAZY. She cannot think with any logical sense at all and is being extremely selfish and bull headed. She accepts most of the blame but still blames me saying that the whole reason it happened is because of me. Digging up things as far back as when we first got married. I told her the affair is in no way my fault and will take no responsibility for it at all. She says she's sorry for her actions but does not show the remorse I need to see/feel. In fact even though she told me that she's sorry it happened and that it was a terrible mistake but also that she is sorry that I found out. She feels it would have been better if she should not have told me and saved me the pain. She also commented that she will not tell me any more details.
Right now our goals are to focus on work and the kids until she gets into counseling (next week). Right now we are roommates. She is going to therapy first to help her figure out as she said what's going on in her head.
I know I'm being way to nice but that's the way I was brought up. In fact she accused me of being to "old school" I know I need to start standing up for myself and after yesterday I decided to start the process of making changes. I’m staying healthy eating and sleeping normally.
I know what I need to do but would like to hear what everyone else thinks.
She is in a land of unicorns and rainbows. She cannot really understand. My wife cried when she found out but those tears were about her and not about me or even us. Like I said I am sorry you are here.Since I just posted this today I need to read as much as I can from you all. Make a decision and muster up the strength I need to follow through with what I decide. I hear you all loud and clear. I just wish there was a way for her to understand that she's in the fog. At least acknowledge that. But that's not likely to happen anytime soon.
So you are saying kick her out if she doesn't comply to boundaries or Expose the affair
How do I get her to leave if she says she's not going to?
I wait and tell the kids after I speak to her about this?
In affairs, haste truly makes waste. If, as it appears, you want your marriage to survive you MUST act immediately. Because the longer it goes on, the more serious her attachment to her lover will become - AND the more she will re-write your marital history - building resentments toward you for even the most mundane wrongs you committed in your marriage (like forgetting to take out the trash on March 14, 2003)Since I just posted this today I need to read as much as I can and muster up the strength I need to follow through with what I will follow through with. I hear you all loud and clear. I just wish there was a way for her to understand that she's in the fog. At least acknowledge that. but that's not likely to happen anytime soon.
So you are saying kick her out if she doesn't comply to boundaries or Expose
I wait and tell the kids after I speak to her about this?
Tell them the truth but not the details.What do I say to the kids? How do I explain?