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She's a teacher and you work in a small community. Threaten exposure if she doesn't stop it right away. I can understand the sensitivity of trying to save her reputation; however, you are not to blame for any tarnish, ridicule and scorn she may get. She's the fvcking teacher that is fvcking another guy. If she was so damned worried about her fvcking reputation, she should have kept her pants on.

You know what? You may want to expose now. Even if you don't have the proof, in a small town word will still get around. Then I'd tell her Merry Fvcking Christmas...
 

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She's a teacher and you work in a small community. Threaten exposure if she doesn't stop it right away.
Not sure I agree with this completely. Threatening exposure gives them time to paint you as jealous, crazy, off your rocker, etc. in order to minimize the impact. I would just go nuclear right now. She had her chance to come clean.
 

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Jack, she is deeeeeep into the affair fog. She really believes all of the sh-t she's saying to you. She will re-write your marital history now and you will be made to look like an a-hole. It's what all cheaters do. It's in the script they get from the collective conscience and stuff.

Anyway, read the noob link in Pit's thread. Study it and understand that sometimes you gotta retreat your feelings during this time. Like I've said many times in this forum - In negotiations, the person who is willing to walk away from the table holds the cards.

You gotta be willing to walk.
 

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Not sure I agree with this completely. Threatening exposure gives them time to paint you as jealous, crazy, off your rocker, etc. in order to minimize the impact. I would just go nuclear right now. She had her chance to come clean.
Agree. I changed my tune during my thread in the second paragraph. I'd expose now, who cares if her reputation is soiled. She's the one that soiled it after all. She seems pretty proud of her decisions and doesn't feel that she did anything wrong. Well, let the community be the judge of that...
 

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Sorry "Plan" That's not how I roll. Keep in mind I have kids in this school too. I need to protect them as well. Most everyone that works in this school I know very well and consider my friends. We are a community. This is also her hometown. This is my kids hometown. Reading what "Pit" has written about the drugs the brain is dealing with while in an affair. Doesn't make it right but helps me understand what is possibly going on in her head and why the sudden change in character. Right now I need to get through the Holidays. I am also trying to figure out how to deal with my religious beliefs here too. There is a lot going on in my head.
It's your choice. But she appears to be an unrepentant cheater. It may be her hometown, but she took a giant dump on her "community" by acting like a horses ass and having an affair on her husband and family. Adding into this that she is a person who has access to the children of this community, you are doing your community no favors by not exposing her for what she is.

Don't hide the lamp under the bushel basket. Remove the basket and let the light of what she did shine through to everyone. If she's so damn proud of her actions, share it with he hometown.
 

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Well, man...then the damned if you do, damned if you don't criteria has been met.

It's up to you. Taking this kind of advice is tough. Trust me. My wife had a 5 year long physical affair with a guy. Do you think I wanted to hear stuff about being prepared to let my wife of 12 years go...when we have 2 awesome little kids and a great house and so on?! No. I didn't want to hear it.

Guess what? If you want any chance to salvage your marriage, then you're going to have to stand up tall and talk to that caveman dude inside yourself. Acknowledge that this sh-t hurts! Then, you can allow yourself to get angry. This ain't logical stuff to ponder, man. It's deep seeded hurt, pain, agony, and all wound up in that you have been made to look/feel like a fool.

Don't think I don't get that.

Take a deep breath. Go look in the mirror. Ask yourself what your breaking point is. Are you willing to hang out in the house just "for the kids"? Yet another thing I've got experience in...hating my mother for almost a year while in my 20's cuz she stayed with some a-hole "because of me". I'm gonna be 45 in 2 months. I still hear her say she stayed with him for my benefit.

What do YOU want?
 

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It seems like you now realize that you will never gain her respect by being a nice guy. It may be true that she doesn't love you now, and maybe hasn't in a long time.

But, her disrespect for you, the man that was central to her life for so long, is just dispicable. Stop arguing with her and do not plead or try to reason with her

If I was in your shoes I would insist she leave the home today - unless she turns over her phone, stops contacting him in any way until you've both agreedto reconcile or divorce. Don't let her sandbag you. She doesn't have the power she thinks she has unless you give it to her.
 

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IF she's cheating the only solution is to move toward divorce immediately with strict criteria where you are willing to entertain stopping that process. Your criterial are she agrees to never contact him again, shows you her phone and all the things you can read about here on this website.

The purpose of exposure is to crush her world, make the affair no longer fun, and put pressure on her from everyone around her telling her how stupid and irresponsible she is so as she is making her decisoin, she decides on the marriage instead of the divorce.

Tolerating your wife screwing another man for even one second is about the worst thing you could possibly do to keep your family together. Think about this.
 

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Married 19 yrs. 3 kids. She's 46. I always felt our marriage was pretty good compared to other around us. But I was wrong. A few months ago she gave me the she loves me but not in love line. Claims she's in a Midlife Crisis. Some pre-menopause symptoms too. I was being extra supportive as she has these emotional episodes from time to time. This time it was more intense so I took special interest to make sure I made some positive changes for her/us as I knew her age and some of the recent life events had her feeling old. Her self esteem has always been lacking even though I would tell her how good she looks and what a good job she does. Not enough I suppose. Lately She spends her nights with Face book and searching Pinterst for inspirational quotes. Mostly things that pertain to no longer taking crap anymore. An attitude we all seem to adapt when we get into our 40’s. I've told her that these activities are not positive activities.

Because of her late drunk nights out with her girlfriend (supposedly) returning home early in the morning was causing me concern about if she was having a drinking problem. But after a few odd incidents my gut was telling me something else. So two months ago I asked if she was cheating with one of her boyfriends from High School. She denied it but said things that had me really doubt her. Since then but I have been even more suspicious of her and have made a habit of checking her phone and computer when I had the opportunity. She would give me a hard time and tell me to stop stalking her. Jealousy and suspicion do weird things to a guy.

D-Day for me was 3 wks ago. During the first week after D-Day she was very supportive and compassionate toward me. Feeling sorry and showing what appeared to be remorse. It was to early for me to really tell as my head was a mess. We talked a lot and had some real quality time. She's still in the house. We are trying to keep it together for the kids right now because of the Holiday's and we didn't want to jump right away. Because we live in a small town and don't want the word out until we figure out if we can fix things. She's a teacher and many people/kids know her (us). So I am concerned for her reputation and her job. Originally we came up with a plan that we would get through the remainder of the school year. (Our Daughter's Senior yr and two younger boys.) and seek some professional help so we can figure out what to do. We do get along and can enjoy each other's company. We still shared laughs. I feel I'm still very much in love with her and attracted to her but she is not attracted to me as there is no intimate contact. (not much at all since the end of June)

Things were going pretty well the last couple of weeks considering the circumstances, with an occasional heated discussion. We were able to enjoy each other's company and go about our parental duties. We don't hate each other (yet) Then yesterday morning before my workout I found out that she is still having conversations with the OM on facebook. Even after she told me she was not and at one point told me that she would unfriend him on Facebook (lied) and denies she said that (another lie). I'm quite sure she is still texting him too (She deletes all her text messages) So I can't verify. But my gut says she is. So at 4:30 I came into the bedroom flipped on the lights and asked what’s this about with the messages? I was not able to read the messages I found and I asked her to open them so I can read. She said NO. So there must have been something that she doesn't want me to read or is just being stubborn or both. At that point I demanded that this affair ends today! And she tell him that there cannot be anymore contact. She told me she can't do that. She's to wrapped up emotionally and can't flip that switch off. She keeps telling me that I don't own her and can't control her by keeping her prisoner and to stop treating her like a child. etc. My opinion is that she a selfish fence sitting cake eater. I flat out told her that if it doesn't end she needs to find some other place to go. I am not an option. or a Plan B. She wants no boundaries.

I've tried to explain to her that what she and this guy have is a relationship based on Lies and Deceit. And that she is disrespecting Me, Our marriage and our kids. She doesn't see it that way at all and tells me not to use the kids against her. It got the ugliest yesterday when she made the comment about me making sure that I don't start harassing him as doing that I could end up in jail. I pointed out to her that I have not done anything illegal. Her and the OM are the ones that have committed a crime and pointed out to her that in our state Adultery is a Class 1 Felony and he could be arrested for his actions fined and spend time in jail. She got real mad about that. I have no proof of the affair other than what she has told me. And that's not a lot other than who it is and that it was more than once. I'm gathering that it's been going on for about 6 months. She has told me that some secrets should be taken to the grave. So she's not real cooperative in helping me heal by giving me information I need to accomplish this. As cliche as it sounds, she's gone completely CRAZY. She cannot think with any logical sense at all and is being extremely selfish and bull headed. She accepts most of the blame but still blames me saying that the whole reason it happened is because of me. Digging up things as far back as when we first got married. I told her the affair is in no way my fault and will take no responsibility for it at all. She says she's sorry for her actions but does not show the remorse I need to see/feel. In fact even though she told me that she's sorry it happened and that it was a terrible mistake but also that she is sorry that I found out. She feels it would have been better if she should not have told me and saved me the pain. She also commented that she will not tell me any more details.

Right now our goals are to focus on work and the kids until she gets into counseling (next week). Right now we are roommates. She is going to therapy first to help her figure out as she said what's going on in her head.

I know I'm being way to nice but that's the way I was brought up. In fact she accused me of being to "old school" I know I need to start standing up for myself and after yesterday I decided to start the process of making changes. I’m staying healthy eating and sleeping normally.

I know what I need to do but would like to hear what everyone else thinks.
I'm sorry you are here with the rest of us, I would rather not have had the need for CWI myself.

You are still in the beginning of a long and bumpy road, lots of ups and downs. You have some ideas tight I think, you just need to follow through.

I have bolded one sentenceof high importance from your post. It is not she who sets boundaries in this case - it's you! You already found out that you can't make her do anything, stop doing anything or change a dvmn thing. What you gotta do is explain to her, that you will NOT accept her having sex with other men, sharing I-luve-yous with other men or flirting with other men - and hold on to these NUTs (Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms). If she violates them, draw the papers, fill them out, and file for divorce. No yelling, screaming, crying etc. She will know then, that you have boundaries in place and will take no sh!t. Demand that she hand over her phone whenever you feel like it.

This was one of the moments that became a game-changer for me, when I was in danger of becoming a doormat for my wife.

You have nothing to loose, you have lost her already.

Good luck and take care of your NUTs and yourself.
 

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Sorry you are here Jack. I tried to to take the high road it does not work with cheaters. You have to stop thinking of your wife as the one that you married. She is a changed person that put her self first. She shoved you and the kids to the back of the bus.

What I am about to write I am betting is completly outside your confort zone.

Demand that she writes a no contact letter to him and give it to you right now. You will send it
Tell her that she gives you access to all her email accounts and FB accounts right now.
Demand that she gets and STD test and you get the results
This is the big one. You need to expose. It does not matter about the job or reputation your marriage is at stake. You have to tell the OM's wife /GF. tell her parents and yours and sit down and tell your kids.

Put a keylogger on the computer and a VAR in the car. She also has to answer all your questions an not hold back.

I did not do this to start with and the A went underground deeper. It is going to cost you big if you do not do this and now. Sorry it is Christmas

If she says no to any of this tell her where the door is and get out. She needs to know that you are a bad ass that will not take any more BS

She is in a fog and you have not shaken her enough to clear it. Also she has had sex with this guy and I will bet that she did not use protection.

My wife and I, 29 years of marriage she was 49 2 adult kids a grandkid and she behaved the same way. My wife only turned it around when I went from the nice guy that took the high road to a bad ass that was not going to put up with BS

If you R it will be a new marriage your old one is dead she killed it.
 

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The way to break her out of the fog is by following the 180 stuff.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.
 

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I would start with stating boundaries in case she doubts. Follow up with 180 if she doesn't comply.
 

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Since I just posted this today I need to read as much as I can from you all. Make a decision and muster up the strength I need to follow through with what I decide. I hear you all loud and clear. I just wish there was a way for her to understand that she's in the fog. At least acknowledge that. But that's not likely to happen anytime soon.

So you are saying kick her out if she doesn't comply to boundaries or Expose the affair

How do I get her to leave if she says she's not going to?

I wait and tell the kids after I speak to her about this?
She is in a land of unicorns and rainbows. She cannot really understand. My wife cried when she found out but those tears were about her and not about me or even us. Like I said I am sorry you are here.

When you expose that POS other man do not even let her know what you plan to do. At first she will yell and scream and tell you it is over. That is do to causing her being lifted out of the pretty place she has been and not the real world.
 

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Since I just posted this today I need to read as much as I can and muster up the strength I need to follow through with what I will follow through with. I hear you all loud and clear. I just wish there was a way for her to understand that she's in the fog. At least acknowledge that. but that's not likely to happen anytime soon.

So you are saying kick her out if she doesn't comply to boundaries or Expose

I wait and tell the kids after I speak to her about this?
In affairs, haste truly makes waste. If, as it appears, you want your marriage to survive you MUST act immediately. Because the longer it goes on, the more serious her attachment to her lover will become - AND the more she will re-write your marital history - building resentments toward you for even the most mundane wrongs you committed in your marriage (like forgetting to take out the trash on March 14, 2003)

She'll be seething over any little thing you did wrong and make it out to be a planned devious act, a sign of your disrespect to her. You have to understand she HAS to justify her attraction to someone else - therefore the re-write.

You've let it go on too long already - I'm not blaming you - but you just can't ascribe your moral outlook on life to her at the moment - she's lost her moral compass.

So, work on yourself, love and be there for your children. If it's a small community I'm pretty sure your kids have caught wind of what's going on and they're watching to see how you handle the assault on your family.

They will form their attitudes about relationships from watching both of you. So, allowing this to go on for another day is not really helpful. At the moment you're teaching them to 'look the other way' and to rug sweep problems rather than facing them head-on.

Make this holiday season the time your kids will remember their dad did his damnest to protect and save his family. DO NOT WAIT.
 

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What do I say to the kids? How do I explain?
Tell them the truth but not the details.
You and mom are having some marriage problems. It's not their fault - not one bit. But they may see both of you acting different. You're working on keeping the marriage together. Both you and she love them.

Don't do this without your wife. Do tell her that you're going to have a brief discussion with the kids. Tell her what you plan to say. Don't let her talk you out of it - be respectful - as much as you might want to, don't blame her or talk about another man unless they ask directly - if they do, refer the question to your wife

Reassure your love to them.
 
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