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I am having a hard time accepting my fiancées sexual past. I have known her since I was 18 and she was 19. I fell for her straight away but we didn’t get together until she was 32. A month ago I asked how many guys she had had sex with. After a few days she told me it was 10. Most of them were guys she was having a relationship with but a couple were one night stands. I was shocked and thought this seemed a lot. I had only been with 2 girls before my fiancée. I find it really hard to deal with this and feel physically sick whenever I think about it. It has also affected me sexually as I can’t help but think of her with other guys when we are in bed. I know this is stupid, immature, jealous and selfish but I can’t help it. I was shocked by her number of sexual partners because I thought she was more pure and classy. I have tried to be rational and tell myself that 10 guys in 15 years is not a lot or promiscuous and if I had a one night stand why shouldn’t she. She said that some of them were just flings and weren’t serious and didn’t mean anything. I know she means that they don’t mean as much as I do but the thought of her having meaningless sex and getting picked up for one night stands really upsets me. I can’t get my mind off this topic and I’ve become sulky and introspective. I don’t want to discuss it with my fiancée as she’ll get offended and think that I consider her a loose woman– I don’t, but I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. She has been totally honest and trusting with me and I feel terrible for having a problem. I want to be able to accept her past and not feel upset when I think of it.
 

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NO one should ever ask this question, especially if you already have a 'perfect' view of their SO. Simple as that. But since you asked her and she answered honestly, you cannot hold it against her. 10 guys in 15 years is not alot but it's really none of your business. AND the past is the past - leave it there; get over it and make room for your own experiences with her.
 

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accept her past
You make it sound like she's a hooker. That's not love, that's disrespectful judgment. Do you do that with everything else? Is YOUR view on something right, and you only grant others the 'right' to believe differently, even if they are wrong?

You are imposing YOUR morals on her. That is not fair. You need to spend time working on YOUR issues instead of looking elsewhere.
 

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Let me tell you a little secret - and at 47, happily married one time for 20+ years I am far better versed on this subject than you are.

If she had only had 2 partners in all those years most likely it would be because she does not like sex. Which would mean that you would be in for a very painful and non loving marriage. You are with a beautiful woman who LIKES sex, enjoy that and be happy.

I am a bit worried about you. You are asking the wrong questions. You have only been with 2 other women this means that perhaps you are not very versed in the full spectrum of female sexual expression. This is my polite way of saying you are either a beginner or advanced beginner sexually.

So you should not be asking her these distracting and upsetting questions that do not belong in a loving and trusting marriage. Instead you should be asking her an important question after you make love: "what can I do to make it more fun for you?" And then listen to her. Does she like more foreplay, less foreplay. Does she like how you do oral sex? If you don't ask she may not tell you - if you DO ask most likely she will tell you.

Don't be lame and ask her if it was good for her. This is the most pathetic question - of course she will say yes. What choice does she have. Ask her "what can I do to make it more fun for you?" Does she like more talk/less talk/no talk?

Does she like to be overpowered - held down?

You see my friend. You are worried about the past - which you cannot change. I am worried about your future. Which will be an unhappy place unless you change your focus.

Why do you think she waited several days to answer your question? She knows you are judgemental and she was conflicted. She can likely read your expressions and in doing so, read your mind if she is a good woman. You are already in trouble - be careful or soon you will be with someone who does not love you nearly as much as she did last week.




I am having a hard time accepting my fiancées sexual past. I have known her since I was 18 and she was 19. I fell for her straight away but we didn’t get together until she was 32. A month ago I asked how many guys she had had sex with. After a few days she told me it was 10. Most of them were guys she was having a relationship with but a couple were one night stands. I was shocked and thought this seemed a lot. I had only been with 2 girls before my fiancée. I find it really hard to deal with this and feel physically sick whenever I think about it. It has also affected me sexually as I can’t help but think of her with other guys when we are in bed. I know this is stupid, immature, jealous and selfish but I can’t help it. I was shocked by her number of sexual partners because I thought she was more pure and classy. I have tried to be rational and tell myself that 10 guys in 15 years is not a lot or promiscuous and if I had a one night stand why shouldn’t she. She said that some of them were just flings and weren’t serious and didn’t mean anything. I know she means that they don’t mean as much as I do but the thought of her having meaningless sex and getting picked up for one night stands really upsets me. I can’t get my mind off this topic and I’ve become sulky and introspective. I don’t want to discuss it with my fiancée as she’ll get offended and think that I consider her a loose woman– I don’t, but I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. She has been totally honest and trusting with me and I feel terrible for having a problem. I want to be able to accept her past and not feel upset when I think of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I know that the problem is me and not her. I shouldn't have any issues with what she has done as its not that bad but I can't help the way I feel. You're right that I was very inexperienced with women before my fiancee and maybe that is the problem - I am comparing her to my experiences and not to everyone elses. I appreciate all your advice but telling me to leave the past in the past is not that helpful - if it was that simple I wouldn't be this upset. If there is anyone else who has been in this situation please tell me how you dealt with it.
 

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No, I'm telling you to get help with YOUR issue, which is your own insecurity. Find a good counselor and start going.
 

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The issue is not hers, it is yours. I can understand your feelings here. If you have only had two lovers in your life it is possible that is because the two of you have different views on sex and its place in your lives. Remember that here past experiences have formed the lover she is today. She has developed some amount of talent from those encounters and you are now the sole beneficiary of those past encounters. I understand it may be hard to let go of the past but remember she has chosen you and sexually wants to be with you. Focus on her and what you have together while making love as you really shouldn't be thinking of anything else anyway. Get your own insecurities under control and stop blaming her for them because that is likely what you are doing. Dwelling on this will only bring more problems to the relationship. If you really can't get past it then end the marriage and find a virgin or some one who's past will better fit what you want in a marriage.
 

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I agree with the other posters that you're too insecure about sex to marry this girl.
I don't agree that it's only your problem. By definition, a problems that affects a relationship is both people's problems.
Would evening the score make you more secure? If so, then have sex with 8 prostitutes and live happily ever after.
Chances are that wouldn't work for you though, so what you probably need to do is break up with this girl, and spend a few years working on yourself, seeing a therapist, doing self-improvement, etc. During that time, date multiple women and get yourself secure with women and sex so you don't feel you're missing out. Then the next time you meet a girl you would want to marry (it will happen again), you'll be ready without having so much internal conflict.
 

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Jagsman,

Be very careful here - I think that the other posters are generally reflecting on your lack of sexual history - I don't think that this is the issue.

I am in the same boat - however I have slept with around 60 women and feel very confident sexually. My girl on the other hand has had around 15 lovers including a threesome - this cuts me up inside and I find it very difficult to deal with - hypocritical I know - but true none the less.

Sometimes I can dismiss it with a bunch of reasons about why it shouldn't matter - but other times I can't and realise that it IS affecting me. Ignore all the nonsense about your insecurity etc - I don't think that is it. I just believe that men (potentially more than women) HATE the thought of their girl with another man. We've all heard the locker room bragging about 'yeah I nailed her - ha ha ha' and similar stories and we hate the thought of this type of talk about the girl that we love.

Also I think this is partly caused by your natural sense of protection over her and thirdly because the images in our minds about her past occur to us in the present - which almost feels like she has cheated on you!! - I know it sounds ridiculous and far fetched - but it is a very real and potentially devasting mental weight.

Personally I am very protective over the women in my life - my mum, sister, girlfriend etc - and this may be one of the causes of why my feelings are so strong.

I don't know you and don't know how you tick - but I have had these feelings about previous girlfriends and in my experience they will fade with time. I think the important thing to do is keep focused on the fact that it IS in the past, you CAN'T change it and it is an issue in YOUR head and not hers - otherwise you may end up persecuting her for it and create an unbrigeable rift in your relationship.

It also feels to me that the more I love a girl the stronger there feelings become - so take this as a positive sign about your feelings for her. Think about what life would be like without her??? Could you handle it? If you think you could then maybe you are not in love with her as much as you should be to marry her - if you can't then bite the bullet - and work through it!! That's the best advice I can give you - but it does fade with time - and no your not insecure, sexually niave or sexist - this is a VERY common reaction among men - you just have the balls to admit it and seek a solution.

Good luck mate!!
 

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That really infuriates me...that men still want to scr&w the one girl, but take home the other girl.

So what happens to the girl who scr&ws you, thinking you will love her for it? Now she's trash?

Where's the puke icon?
 

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That really infuriates me...that men still want to scr&w the one girl, but take home the other girl.

So what happens to the girl who scr&ws you, thinking you will love her for it? Now she's trash?

Where's the puke icon?
The criteria for hooking up with a girl and getting married to a woman are quite different.

Unfortunately young women are either ignorant of this, or simply don't care anymore.

My immediate impression of the fiance of the OP was that she was lying about only sleeping with 10 partners.
 

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All very insane to me...

Do you love her? Then you love all that she is and all that made her who she is.
It IS that simple and there is NO trick. Accept her, love her.

I wrote this somewhere else.
Imagine someone that had prior sexual experience. IN order to avoid the situation your wife is in, one must openly divulge their past very early in the relationship so that they could be rejected. Really thats insane.. Be happy she chose you and get some professional help accepting her for who she is, or leave her alone so someone else can.

She probably knows you so I am suprised she shared that with you, take it as a gift that she shared with you.. not a curse.
 

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I can speak from experience here as well. About 6 months ago or so I began probing my wife with the same questions. We have known each other for almost 25 years but have only been together for the past 7 (other than the original 1 year when we dated in high school).

We are in a very stable relationship and I have been through hell and back in 2 previous long-term relationships (1 was a marriage) so asking my wife this question was more out of wanting to "fill in the blanks" while we were apart. She thought I was going to be judgemental about it and refused to answer for the longest time. She finally did answer...12 or 13 over the course of 12 years (including a 4 year previous LTR/marriage...so really its like 11 or 12 over 8 years). A couple months back, she got pretty wasted with some other girls, came home, basically ravaged me in bed and I snuck the question into her ear while she was on the way to a massive orgasm. She blurted out "no idea, but probably at least 20, maybe 25". So the truth seemingly came out thanks to a bit of liquid courage. Am I jealous? Am I resentful? Am I turned off?

Not one bit. In fact, knowing this makes me love her even more...she picked me in the end instead of one of the other 20 or so guys she was intimate with (granted, a few were one night stands for the sex only with no intention of a relationship).

Would I ever hold this information against her for any reason in the future? Not a chance. I am a pretty laid back, easy going guy who doesn't get rattled very easy. I find it hot knowing all about her sexual exploits and wish she would divulge more details about some of her romps! It helps me be a better lover and understand more about what/why she likes and dislikes certain things.

It's all about taking your time and not pushing too much.

As for being resentful about her past compared to yours, take a chill pill and be thankful she chose to settle down with you! There will come a day when you will wake up and want to know more of the details. If that day doesn't come, just live and let be. You cannot change the past but you can chart a course for the future together!

Best!
 

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This is an interesting thread which touches on something that most have probably faced at some point. I will only add that you have to let the past go and live for now. Now is all that matters. It's cliche but so true. You are so lucky to have found someone that you love and who loves you. Dont let your happiness be threatened by ancient history.
 

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Her past has made her the woman that you love. And if your response to that is to say, "Oh, no I loved her when we first knew each other all those years ago" then my response to THAT is to say that this is why you have this problem now. She is not the 19 year old girl she was all those years ago. She is a 32 year old woman (or however old she is now) that you are in a relationship with now. She would not be that woman without ALL of her past experiences. 10 sexual partners by age 32, for a woman who was never (?) married is not many. Given how judgmental some people are about numbers, I'd say she's not lying about it either. If her sexual past bothers you that much, then I think you need to consider the possibility that you don't really love her, but a fantasy of her.

I do think that in a relationship, if one partner has a problem, then BOTH partners have a problem, but...sometimes one partner has to shoulder most of the responsibility of that problem, and this is one that you need to shoulder the most responsibility. She can't change her past, and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty for anything she did before she got together with you.

Sexual history is no different than her job history, relationship history, or family history: she can't change it, it's part of who she is, and really, it has nothing to do with you. You can't expect a woman to keep herself "pure" as you phrased it, on the off chance she might end up with you one day. If you want someone "pure" then you'll have to go look for that person. And honestly, if you're in your 30s, good luck finding it.

If you really want to be with her, then I suggest some counselling for yourself to help you get past this.
 

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I'm trying to learn how to deal with my fiancees past sexual history and I truly am having a difficult time. I love her very much and it hurts to think she was so easily intimate with so many men and many one night stands.

She has even told me that she knows she has slept with way more men than I have women and I never really gave her a number but she knows I have always been more of a relationship guy. She is extremely gorgeous and men are very attracted to her.

We not talking low numbers here, before we met she had slept with at least 15-20 different guys in the preceding year. And in the prior 3 months 6 different guys, and I was the 6th guy. She is in her mid thirties, so she isn't like 21 and finding herself. Based on her discussions and watching her friends bring strange guys home almost every time we would go out together, she has slept with a ton over guys, her friends are like 25 year boy
hunters and she was part of that crew.

I know to a degree its my problem but its hard for me to deal with and accept her past and believe that was just a phase.
It seems more like a life long pattern and she and her friends
want to hang out at events, parties, clubs, where the singles
nightlife and hook ups are the norm. She wants me to trust her.
I do to some degree but past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior and once you start having numerous one night stands and hooks etc., to me its very easy to fall back into that
pattern if you are putting yourself back into that environment with your friends doing it. Her Vegas trips, half my girlfriends married or involved are off banging and the other half isn't.That
is supposed to instill confidence in us? I know for a fact she has hooked up in vegas before we met.

Her girlfriends are super hot too and they have professional athletes on their scorecards.

She says oh Im in love with you and dont need anyone else, except when we go out she has to have eye contact with every man in her view and if he is hot, he gets multiple eye locks with her. When we are driving she stares out the window
checking out every guy driving by and looks directly into their windows, especially hot cars and trucks. If I say anything, Im some kind of insecure jerk or she will out right deny it like I dont see what I see.

Her and party girlfriends will stand there and talk about hot guys there checking out as if Im not even there! But if I did that with my buddies, there would be hell to pay.

Any advice?
 
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