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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello - I am new here but have felt connected to so many threads I have read. I have been married for over 30 yrs - this past summer my husband drops the bomb - he is not happy, has been having affairs (aka 'adventures') for 7 + years and thinks he wants out. We went to one counselling session. Tried to get back into the marriage - now he says it was only temporary. Our children are grown with families. I am dealing with a lot of anger and hurt. We are still in the same house - different bedrooms. We work different shifts so it is easy not to see each other much. It is comlpicated in that my Dad is going through chemo/radiation for cancer and my Mom has heart issues - both in their 80's. They love my husband and he is very helpful with them. They know we have had problems - but I have spared them the details at this point. My question is how do you go about unconnecting from 30 yrs of marriage? This is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I look back and wonder where the signs were. Most people thought, as I did, that we had a great marriage. I sensed things changing earlier this year - not as connected - but never did I dream that he has been unfaithful all these years. How do I handle this?
 

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After so many years, this is very, very hard. You probably know that you are already taking the first steps to detach from your husband. The knowledge of 7+ years of infidelity already changes your emotional calculus regarding him.

I don't think there is an easy road for you. For your pride, self-respect and the simple recognition that you have a lot of life to live yet, I would separate households and begin the divorce process. He has been driving this, but at some point you have to take control of your own life going forward. You will feel better when you do this.
 

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Who is his affair partner? Its possible you could bust up this affair.

Number one rule, do not belive anything he says without indendently veifying it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
we both work full time. Have separate accts but both names on them. I know who one affair partner was and know it is over , did not get names of others. He has 'friends' that are women. I know this will not be easy or quick. He has wanted this but really did not think through the future and how to do it. I am just catching up to the thought. I am gaining back my self-esteem. This pretty much knocked my feet out from under me. But I have my faith to get me through this. And I have thought about an attorney. I realize I need to protect myself.
 

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Ouch. Very sorry to hear this, Irene. I hope you have a great support network around you - you're probably going to need it. :(

One thing that someone on this board said to me as I was contemplating the thought of the difficult adjustment to coming home alone each night after almost 10 years of marriage (after finding out that me STBXW had been cheating on me for the last 7 of those 10 years):

"You've been coming home to an empty house for many years already."

And you know what, that person was right! Each person's situation is different, but I've been able to find a lot of happiness, self esteem and joy on the far side of a long term relationship - one that had atrophied slowly over the years without me really taking notice. I hope you, too, can find a renewed lease on life and experience joy on your own.

BFF
 

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One thing that someone on this board said to me as I was contemplating the thought of the difficult adjustment to coming home alone each night after almost 10 years of marriage (after finding out that me STBXW had been cheating on me for the last 7 of those 10 years):

"You've been coming home to an empty house for many years already."
Sad but spot on.

He has been lying to you in the most cowardly possible way for 7 years. My opinion is to fully expose him for the fraud husband he is. And divorce him.

As to coping, be around or with people. Friends, family, social gatherings... do good things for yourself (hair, nails...)... make it a point to get out- even if to the library. And come around here and talk to some of the nice people. I am sure many ladies will pm with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
thank you all for the encouragement. And I do agree that I have been alone for a long time but just didn't know it. We both are tending to the household chores. Sounds crazy I know, but I can't fire an outside furnace or run a 4-wheeler to clear 8 inches of snow. So it's a trade off of sorts. I have confided in a few close friends and receive much needed support from them. This years' resolution is to be sure to take care of myself - a lot going on besides this situation. And my sister used to be a PI, so I plan on coming clean with her and then asking for pointers. There will be no contesting a split, he has admitted it all and even said that I have grounds. There will be no fight - but I do need legal advise. Not trusting he will not 'surprise' me down the road.
 

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thank you all for the encouragement. And I do agree that I have been alone for a long time but just didn't know it. We both are tending to the household chores. Sounds crazy I know, but I can't fire an outside furnace or run a 4-wheeler to clear 8 inches of snow. So it's a trade off of sorts. I have confided in a few close friends and receive much needed support from them. This years' resolution is to be sure to take care of myself - a lot going on besides this situation. And my sister used to be a PI, so I plan on coming clean with her and then asking for pointers. There will be no contesting a split, he has admitted it all and even said that I have grounds. There will be no fight - but I do need legal advise. Not trusting he will not 'surprise' me down the road.
Guess what? Those are probably skills you can learn. He is not irreplaceable.
 
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