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Discussion Starter #1
I've been seeing various discussions and threads on here about trust in relationships and checking on a spouse's email or other online activity.

Two questions:

1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

I'll start, my wife knows I read and post here and I've shown her my account and let her look through any of my posts. And I do the same for any other online groups I'm on.

I don't read her email and so far as I know she doesn't read mine but either of us could if we want to as we both have the access freely given.
 

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1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM? He can read whatever I write here. I leave the computer on while I do other things. Besides he knows my posting name here so he could search my posts if he wanted to. Occasionally, I'll tell him something I've read here. For a while, he was interested in this particular thread I followed. Most of the time he couldn't care less about TAM.

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

I would be very surprised. But then I have nothing to hide so I doubt he would find anything juicy. He's far better at tech stuff than me so he could theoretically monitor me if he wanted to, but then again I have nothing to hide. He knows my email passwords. I know his. I don't really read his unless I am expecting something on his account or he asks me to check for him. He'll read mine if I'm too busy to check my account. Again, we each have nothing to hide so I don't care if he reads my emails.
 

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I've been seeing various discussions and threads on here about trust in relationships and checking on a spouse's email or other online activity.

Two questions:

1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

I'll start, my wife knows I read and post here and I've shown her my account and let her look through any of my posts. And I do the same for any other online groups I'm on.

I don't read her email and so far as I know she doesn't read mine but either of us could if we want to as we both have the access freely given.
1. I have not let my wife know I am a member of TAM.

2. If I found out that my wife was secretly checking my activity on-line I'd ask why. I have nothing to hide. If she wanted to know about my on-line activity all she has to do is ask.
 

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He knows I post here, and has read around the site on his own, or sometimes we even talk about topics that came from a thread on here.


We are very transparent so we have passwords to emails etc. If he started checking, I would wonder if something was off in our relationship if he felt the need to do so, but I wouldn't be mad.
I haven't checked his email unless he asked me look pull up something for him, but I've left my email open by accident but it's not a big deal to me.
 

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1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?

She found me once, went on an excavation digging up whatever she can find that I posted. She betrayed my trust and my personal space, we had a fight about it but she has apologised and also promised to leave me the fk alone on here and understands this is my journal/venting zone.

She could care less most of the time now, I hope. This was ages ago however. Still, some details I just don't give out - for peace of mind. She can read whatever she likes. I do give her a few threads every once in a while.

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

Then she would have betrayed my trust 2x and that's just not cool.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
perhaps i should've phrased the question differently - are there areas of privacy in a relationship where one may not share with the partner but may share with others - such as TAM activity or confiding in a friend or family member?

I don't have such need or engage in that behavior in my relationship with my wife but I can see the need for such private areas in relationships.
 

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We are the same as you Maneo .... I feel VERY strongly about Openness & Honesty ...this thing we call "Transparency" in a marriage..... not because it is demanded...but something deeper than that... not because it is a RULE.... but because WE LOVE.. .because we want to be so very connected to our spouses that we desire to share our innermost thoughts, feelings... this is the ultimate connecting ....and what ultimately builds the deepest of TRUST between 2 people.

Because this very subject is so close to my heart - I did a thread on it >>>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/36164-100-transparency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html


My husband has known about TAM since the day I found this wonderful forum...my 1st posts were even ABOUT HIM...... something I wanted from him.. we would read the answers together... brainstorm... this was a springboard for our learning more about ourselves even.... it was FUN....

He even made a Profile here months ago, rarely posts but he has about 10+ times (very short) - this is not exactly his thing.. ....I am the writer. We ofen talk about many of the subjects here, it is good for conversation.

And like yourself.. .we don't go checking on each other -neither has felt the need to do this, or that something was amiss....he knows all my passwords & has access to every key stroke... .. we've both used each other FB's and emails if we hopped on each others computers... it's all commonplace and nothing would surprise either one of us. ;)
 

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Speaking of transparency, it seems that my wife and I are headed towards the road of 100% transparency considering we don't really have a choice if we are to have a chance of fixing our dynamics... it's ironic really
 

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Well I do confide in a very select few about marriage issues when in I need to vent, however it's not totally private. I might tell my H that I talked to or need to talk to my friend about certain things. But I honestly don't even go into that much detail with her, out of respect for my marriage. Other than that, there isn't anything I can think of that is totally private or kept from my H. Anything I share with others is shared with him.
 

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perhaps i should've phrased the question differently - are there areas of privacy in a relationship where one may not share with the partner but may share with others - such as TAM activity or confiding in a friend or family member?

I don't have such need or engage in that behavior in my relationship with my wife but I can see the need for such private areas in relationships.
I can't think of anything I've shared with someone else that I've deliberately kept from my husband. He's often the first person I tell something to. I hardly confide in my family members or his. Besides my siblings have big mouths so I know anything I say will be repeated. I don't say things I don't mind getting around.

I've vented to a few online female friends when I've had a marital issue or two, but he knows that I sometimes use them as a sounding board and doesn't mind. Plus, they don't know who we really are, we don't run into them, and they are in other countries or states.

As for friends, sometimes I've told girlfriends things like say ob/gyn matters I KNOW my husband has no interest in and would prefer I share with female friends, and not him. :rofl:
 

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1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?

My partner knows that I'm a member here and I sometimes share what I write with him.

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

It would worry me that he felt the need to do so. My partner is far from controlling, so I would think that he obviously felt that he had good reason to check up on me. I would want to know what I was doing to make him suspicious, and I would deal with it.
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
Speaking of transparency, it seems that my wife and I are headed towards the road of 100% transparency considering we don't really have a choice if we are to have a chance of fixing our dynamics... it's ironic really
Well, interesting point. Is it possible to be 100% transparent in any relationship - spouse, parent, friend? or 100% honest?

They aren't the same of course - transparent and honest - but have much overlap.

For example, if we are all ready to go out and will be late if we don't leave and my wife asks me how i think she looks, I will likely say, "you look great honey" even if I don't find her dress or her hair totally to my liking at the moment. She just spent a bunch of time making herself up and it really does not matter a hill of beans what I think. She is perfectly fine and most would say looking great. Now if she has a smudge on her cheek or the tag is sticking out of the back of her dress, or there is Really something amiss, I mention that. But, you get the point. Am I being 100% honest? No. Do I have to be?
So where do you set the line over which you do not want to cross in terms of openness?
 

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1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?
My wife knows. I've read her posts from the board, and entered in topics from TAM into our discussions.

You doesn't post here, but I did transcribe words for her once in a faking orgasm thread where some feistier TAM women were calling her a liar. That's the most interaction she's had with TAM.

She did say once, to my sister "That board is going to kill our marriage!". Sometimes I took topics here, and brought them into our marriage, things that have never been issues for us, but they were so prevalent here on TAM. I had to stop doing that.

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?
Privacy is very important to me. I know some feel as though you give up the right to privacy when you wed, but I do not. I don't even like it when somebody reads over my shoulder when I have the computer on. I don't check my wife's online activity, and I don't expect her to check mine. If she did I would be more concerned that she felt she even needed to.

I do know the password to her email. She should pretty easily be able to guess mine, but I've never given it. My email passwords are stored on the computer, so she could check it if she really wanted to.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I can't think of anything I've shared with someone else that I've deliberately kept from my husband. He's often the first person I tell something to. I hardly confide in my family members or his. Besides my siblings have big mouths so I know anything I say will be repeated. I don't say things I don't mind getting around.

I've vented to a few online female friends when I've had a marital issue or two, but he knows that I sometimes use them as a sounding board and doesn't mind. Plus, they don't know who we really are, we don't run into them, and they are in other countries or states.

As for friends, sometimes I've told girlfriends things like say ob/gyn matters I KNOW my husband has no interest in and would prefer I share with female friends, and not him. :rofl:
Well in regards to "female" things like monthly visits, I tend to be horribly male traditional and want ignorance. Naturally I want to know of medical issues or things that are wrong but when my wife heads for the female section of the store I head for the magazine rack.

Some things I don't want to know! But if I asked she would tell me in detail that would make me wish i hadn't asked. :eek:
 

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Well, interesting point. Is it possible to be 100% transparent in any relationship - spouse, parent, friend? or 100% honest?

They aren't the same of course - transparent and honest - but have much overlap.
Well considering we'll be headed for divorce if we don't, but headed for reconciliation if we do, and we both want it to work -> we don't really have a choice now when it comes to being transparent and honest lol

For example, if we are all ready to go out and will be late if we don't leave and my wife asks me how i think she looks, I will likely say, "you look great honey" even if I don't find her dress or her hair totally to my liking at the moment. She just spent a bunch of time making herself up and it really does not matter a hill of beans. She is perfectly fine and most would say looking great. Now if she has a smudge on her cheek or the tag is sticking out of the back of her dress, or there is Really something amiss, I mention that. But, you get the point. If I being 100% honest? No. Do I have to be?
So where do you set the line over which you do not want to cross in terms of openness?
I think that's different like, one has to be polite in certain situations. E.G. Wife messes up the chicken again, she asks if it's alright, me: "It's fine hun, it's beautiful", truthful/TAM me: "Jebus I can't believe you undercooked it AGAIN how many times do I have to freakin teach you?" lol

When it comes to more serious issues such as discussing how to work on our dynamics/boundaries/avoiding game playing however, we will need brutal honesty. I hope things go well tomorrow when my wife and I meet up for discussing our marriage.
 

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perhaps i should've phrased the question differently - are there areas of privacy in a relationship where one may not share with the partner but may share with others - such as TAM activity or confiding in a friend or family member?
I believe in full privacy within myself. As in I do not believe that I am obligated to divulge my every single thought, or action, to my wife. As long as it's not hurting her, or the marriage, of course.

But there is nothing I've told my friends, or family, that I couldn't tell her. Do I always tell her? No, but it's not an issue of not being able to, or trusting another person with the info more than her.

And some things, while technically they could be shared, I really spare her. Like she knows I can get a really raunchy, dudely convo going with two of my best friends about sex, and women. Can I tell her about them? Yes. But I don't' want to, and she doesn't want to know! :rofl:
 

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Lol, heh I think though it depends on how much your SO can actually take. For example, I don't want her reading all my threads on TAM not only because it's invasive of my privacy, but also because somethings she just won't be able to handle or will get the wrong impression of. Now at our breaking point however, we have to spill all the beans, it's behavioural correction and rehabitation, so we have no choice if we want it to work lol

I am brutally honest with her in regards to her weight/looks however and she is with me, we both can handle it. She LOVES to cook however, and for the most part nowadays she's not that bad, just from time to time she pulls out something she learnt from Uranus and I go ... :slap: (I own a large restaurant, so I'm hard to please too lol)
 

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Privacy is very important to me. I know some feel as though you give up the right to privacy when you wed, but I do not. I don't even like it when somebody reads over my shoulder when I have the computer on.
Jaquen... we are so different here!! Is it a 1st ...... just saying..

Me & mine feel the complete opposite, I LOVE when he comes up behind me & shows an interest in what I am doing... and he feels the same when I come over to him. If he acted like I was invading his space, that would bother me. But again, we married what works for us ! ;)

He told me once... and I love this quote..."If I had a cave, I would want you in it ".
 

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Jaquen... we are so different here!! Is it a 1st ...... just saying..

Me & mine feel the complete opposite, I LOVE when he comes up behind me & shows an interest in what I am doing... and he feels the same when I come over to him. If he acted like I was invading his space, that would bother me. But again, we married what works for us ! ;)

He told me once... and I love this quote..."If I had a cave, I would want you in it ".
My wife is like the two of you, definitely. She has no problem with me looking on her computer screen. She'd love it if I were like that too.

I am, by nature, or nurture, both very honest, and yet very private. Seems like a contradiction, but it's how I operate.

Perhaps that will change some day? I'm open to it.
 
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