Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok everyone this is my first time on here and my first post so please bare with me. its almost been year when i found out that my boyfriend was spending time with someone else (as he called it). I was 6-7 months pregnant with my first child his 2nd. He dj's on the side just for fun has been doing it for almost 13 years now. He started going out every night leaving me at home. Thats kinda where the problem started. He doesnt have a good track record with his past girlfriends (cheated on most of them) I should have known from the beginning that I wouldnt be any different but there was just something about us. I actually liked myself around him and to tell you the truth he made me a nicer a person. I wasnt so mad at the world. Well about last july I found an instant message between him and this other girl (ill call her mary) pretty much saying how she wanted him to call her because she missed her voice and was drooling over his pictures. I ended up leaving for the night but he talked me into staying with him. saying that if he was ever going to cheat on me that he would do it so that I wouldnt even know. I asked him about the message and he said thats how he bull****s with his friend. Well after that, thats when he started going out more often doing more dj gigs, me not being able to get ahold of him how i did before. He would leave for weekend for a "dj gig" and some how he phone got lost or it was dead from not charging it. He even went to vegas with her. told me he was going for a dj gig and getting paid $500 for doing. Well come to to find out that was all a damn lie as well. I started to do some snooping and found a confirmation from 1-800-flowers for flowers that he had sent to her work with a card that said "I miss you" when I confronted him about it he said it was for her b-day, then it was because her friend had just passed and then back to it was for her b-day. Well after finding this I packed my things and moved back to my parents house. I was able to contact her and told her all about me and how I was pregnant with his child. They stopped talking after that. Months went by and needless to say I'm back with him. He has changed A LOT since then. doesnt go out unless we can find a babysitter to watch our child so that I can go as well. he knows that he messed up BIG time and has done everything under the sun to prove to me that it wont happen again, but i still cant get over it. I still cant get passed me hurt feelings to start new with him. I do love him and want to work this out but its like a roller coaster now. We have our days where were really good and then all of sudden my feelings come back and all hell breaks loose. I will admit I do throw it in his face. Like someone will text or call him and I will say "who is that your other girlfriend." Its almost like i want him to hurt as bad as i do and the only thing i can think of his to throw it back in his face that he screwed up. i know this isnt healthy for him, me or our baby but I just cant seem to let go or even know where to start to try and make things work between us. When we have our good days we were awesome together but lately its been more bad days then good. We went 3 days this week that were absolutely AWESOME, then all of sudden I went and threw it in his face about everything he did. I hope this makes sense to some of you I not one for going back and reading what I wrote I just type and type.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Are you married to him? If you are not, and if you would decide to end it, obvioudly, things are less complicated than a divorce. However, because there is a child involved, it will take careful consideration.

What has he done?, "you said everything under the sun" to prove it won't happen again. What exactly has he done? Because actions definitely speak louder than words.
I really hope he has changed his "cheating" ways, but as you mentioned. He has cheated on his past girlfriends in the past, so why do you think you are any differnt than the others?
If you do decide to stay with him, you have to come to terms with what has happened in the past. To accept what has happened, as you can not go back and undo it. However, you & he can make the commitment to try to improve your relationship - so he doesn't want to seek anyone else. Maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive but don't forget- so you can learn from this situation & apply it to other situations that you encounter in your life, marriage,etc.
Throwing it back in his face - time & time again, does not really solve anything unless you get to the root of the problem about why he was with another woman. Plus, it just keeps re- hashing the unpleassnt situation- which makes it difficult for either of you to work thinks.....
Trust is not something that is given back, it must be earned.
Best wishes, keep us posted.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Since all of this has happened. He is a different person now then from when I met him. I guess you can say that he FINALLY grew up. As for proving to me that it wont happen again. He doesnt go out unless I am able to go out with him. He shows me his phone bills when they come in so that I can I look at all incoming and outgoing calls/texts. I guess my biggest concern is that I dont even know where to begin to try and move on from what has happened. At times I feel like I should just walk away and give up because everything seems like it would be easier for me. I am not married to him so the only tie we would have is from our child. I want to work this out and have been trying to about 6 months now and it just seems like we have made no progress whatsoever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Well it does sound like he it trying to make amends. And by offering you any information that will reassure you that he is being truthful is very promising.
You mentioned you have been dealing with this for 6 months, it will take time -so be patient. After a breach of trust, you almost have to start from scratch to rebuild.
Maybe you could talk to a counselor alone or together to help you work through some of your reoccuring issues. Sometimes employers offer employee assistance programs for counseling services - maybe something to look into. I also write in a journal to help me sort out my feelings.
Keep communication & keep trying
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
I guess my biggest concern is that I dont even know where to begin to try and move on from what has happened. At times I feel like I should just walk away and give up because everything seems like it would be easier for me.
As believer said, re-building trust will take time. There are usually specific things that trigger bad thoughts...when he's viewing his cell phone or you watch something on tv that has someone cheating, etc. These thoughts are upsetting and make you re-live everything in your mind which can be annoying when you see your partner now has this happy relationship and doesn't appear to be hurting while you are still in so much pain. The only thing you can do is really decide how you will react when bad thoughts are triggered.

What you feel cannot be forced, but how you react can.

Be selfish. Do what is best for you. While throwing it in his face might make you feel better in that moment to offload some of the hurt, it is not making you feel better in the long run. If you really want this relationship to work, you will need to force how you react to be in a way that works for you. What about saying, when you looked at your phone it triggered bad thoughts again. I wish there was a way to just turn this off but there isn't. Let him be there to hold you and show you he loves you. Don't push him away. Eventually, you will both drift apart and be no better off. Use this bad situation to your advantage...get closer to him and talk about your feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you both of your advice. It really helped. We talked more this weekend and I told him that Im going to start telling him when something bothers me and in return I expect him to listen and help me/us get through this rough time in our life. wish me luck!! =)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
The "triggers" that cause me to feel upset all over again are so true. Him checking his cellphone, certain songs on the radio (damn Rihanna, I like it but it pisses me off), certain places, anything to do with going for drinks, and him being slightly late to meet me or having to work late. Either I start panicking or I start feeling upset/teary. Even now, I define many things by "post affair" and "pre affair". I just can't help it. Thinking back about something innocent like, when did I attend a friend's wedding this year, makes me start thinking, "gosh, I think it was before the affair." I hardly think about it now in much detail, but little things bring it back. I even wonder how he could have pretended everything was normal before I found out, and when I start thinking along that line, it just gets really destructive and painful imagining how easy it was for me to be fooled completely.

So its completely natural to feel that way.

He has done everything as far as he knows how to reassure me. Even then, it will take time for wounds to heal. It sounds like your guy is also trying, and while sometimes I wish I could offload all my anger in some way, offloading your anger on him is counterproductive in the long run and will not help with your healing.

I try to be honest (something we both try to be) and tell him when I'm feeling crappy or scared again. He has been understanding so far, I think. Try letting him know how you feel, and let him reassure you. Starting to trust again is a big step but it is possible.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
Thank you both of your advice. It really helped. We talked more this weekend and I told him that Im going to start telling him when something bothers me and in return I expect him to listen and help me/us get through this rough time in our life. wish me luck!! =)
I try to be honest (something we both try to be) and tell him when I'm feeling crappy or scared again. He has been understanding so far, I think. Try letting him know how you feel, and let him reassure you. Starting to trust again is a big step but it is possible.
Telling my husband when I'm feeling bad has helped a great deal. I'm still working on the balance of that though because I'm not sure if/when he will just get fed up that I'm still bringing it up, but so far he has said not to think about that. It's his fault so it doesn't matter how long it takes he just wishes he didn't put me through this in the first place.

One thing I did tell him up front was that I was not trying to punish him by bringing this stuff back up, I was trying to heal and get through it so I can get to a point where I don't feel the need to discuss it anymore and if I keep things inside I don't seem to move forward.

My best to you both.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
i really understand how you feel Trust!!! With me he says nothing physical happen, but I feel betrayed and hurt. I trusted this man with my heart and he hurt me, He tells me that he loves me and that he wants to make things work with me. But just like you I throw it in his face when I get upset, I cannot seem to get over this, and I wish I could cuz I do love him. All I can tell you is it's gonna take time and like my mother tells me, if you decide to stay with him then you are really gonna have to try and give him a chance but if you can't forgive him then it's time to move on. Yet i'ts easier said then done, because I have yet to leave mine. All I can tell you is believe in yourself and trust your gut, If you see him trying and changing then you try yourself. But if you really believe that you can't forgive him then its better that you end things. Cuz I know that Im trying to forgive him also. God Bless you and Keep yourself strong remember you have the best part of him. It's that little Angel that loves you with all his/her heart
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top