[Bold&Honest]

So we have been together 5 years, married for 1. We are both young and haven't lived on our own really, we have lived together since I was old enough to move out. I admittedly have had little in the realm of learning to pay my own way, but I work full time, pay my own bills and contribute to the household... Here is the background for the issue...

My husband grew up with a father who controlled ALL the money and gave his wife an allowance to buy food and sustenance for the children as he worked out and she was "Just a stay at home mom..." He grew up poor, but never went without. He asks for nothing, wants for very little and is obssessed with saving money and having control with money. He feels the need to work, work, work to have money, even if he does NOTHING with it; he needs to have a certain balance to feel like a man; I get that, it's common. Debt to him is bad; and no debt is good; my student loan.. what a waste of money; a mortgage.. doesn't want to spend over 300,000 for 10 plus acres of land, a large shop and not old house.

My background is that I was born to 2 very young parents who scraped by on the bare minimum with a dad out of work from a massive injury and a mother who was putting herself through university. I wasn't poor, but I wasn't well off. As I grew up the mentality of money in my family is to not get attached to it as money is simply an exchange for goods in life for needs and wants.. it is earned and it is spent... it always comes and goes. There is not anxiety attached to it... it holds not a lot of meaning for me other than I need X amount of dollars to do the things I want and to pay for the life I have. I believe if I am paying my bills and we are not going without that I can do whatever the hell I want with my spare cash after savings and emergency funds and such....

Money in our marriage... my husband has ALL the bills in his name, the rent is an under the table kind of deal with is father who owns the house, and he said he can't be bothered to change the bills to our joint account until we get our own house. I am angered by this fact and have voiced it many times.. it has gone nowhere... I have offered to pay him percentages of what is coming in every month, he wants me to keep my money to pay off my debt... my loan will be eradicated in 8 months or less and I will be debt free. We have excellent Credit scores.. no children, great paying jobs... we are pre-approved for a VERY good mortgage... he seems to have his head up his ass when it comes to the price of owning a home, and is very cheap. I have been looking for over a year for a home to own... no such luck, he is very unwilling. He also plans to ask for a down payment from his father if we need it.. I am uncomfortable with this because I do not like the mentality his father has with money and I don't trust his father, not when it comes to our personal affairs.

My husband treats me like I am an immature, irresponsible brat when it comes to money and I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, i do spend money when it is not needed on things I don't need. He almost NEVER spends his hard earned money and therefore resents me... I can't change that, we just have different values. I have cut back on my spending, I work more, but I am not afraid to spend my money, especially if my bills are paid, even when things are tight. We are married but our financial life isn't married... I am desperately looking for advice on how to amalgamate our lives together in this area, please.. anyone?

 

[rj700]

I'm going to be a bit critical of some things you've said and supportive of others. I think you knew going in what he was like; you know his history and why he looks at money the way he does, true? You both have very different views and value systems. I don't think either value system is wrong, they both have very admirable points. But you are critical of his and he is critical of yours - that's not good at all.

You expect him to change. Read these forums and one of the "truths" you'll find is you can't change him, you can only change you. So a few specifics.

The bills are all in his name and that bothers you. Understandable.

I have offered to pay him percentages of what is coming in every month, he wants me to keep my money to pay off my debt... my loan will be eradicated in 8 months or less and I will be debt free.

Don't offer, just write him a check for your portion/percentage of the bills. Demonstrate that your "system" of handling finances works. This has the added benefit of preparing you to be on your own - which you admit neither of you has really been on your own. If he won't take the check, put it in a savings account or perhaps a CD which is not as liquid, so you won't have immediate access.

He also plans to ask for a down payment from his father if we need it.. I am uncomfortable with this because I do not like the mentality his father has with money and I don't trust his father, not when it comes to our personal affairs.

I agree with you completely on this. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN. Explain to him that you are a team and its important to stand on your own - but together. Anything more than 2 in a marriage is not a healthy thing.

Is it that he won't buy a house or is it he doesn't want to spend the amount for the houses you like? You are just starting out - are you looking for your dream house and he is looking for a starter?

How are the other aspects of your relationship? Communication on other issues? Compatibility on things other than money? Affection? Intimacy?

 

[Bold&Honest]

Thank you for your input! You have nailed it on the head! I did know what he was like going into the marriage... I very much did; and no I can't change him and I am starting to realize that if I change me, that it will have a vast impact on our marriage and in turn may change our issues in this category. My mom said the same damn thing, just put the money in his account no questions asked; will do.

Thank you for backing me up on the down payment thing; when it comes to houses you are right... if I am going to spend the money I want to buy a place I can stay in forever... raise my kids... have our life... he wants a fixer upper... we disagree on this entirely... again.. another values difference..

The other aspects of our relationship are indeed suffering; our communication suffers because we are both resentful towards each other.. he resents that I am not a tidy person and am not the neatest.... he values cleanliness highly; I grew up not caring about it living in old old houses and with parents who shared the same mentality... he grew up taking care of everything he had because he had to.. I get it.. I'm working on it.. it's not easy. We both want kids.. differ on the how many and when... I want to travel and see the world.. he see's that as a waste of money... we are polar opposites but our life plan seems to fit quite well. Our love for each other is deep.. our intimacy has suffered, again, resentment, not knowing what to do after being together so long and the spark has somewhat died out and we don't know what to do... I mean when it's all pheromones it's easy but now we find each other attractive... but it's like... I don't know how to explain it.. i'm sure ALL couples know what I am talking about. We have a lot of work to do... I posted in the General room I think titled Young and looking for blunt answers or something... might give you some insight at one aspect of my marriage. Again.. THANK YOU for your honesty and for the outside look.

 

[rj700]

Two books probably worth reading. They are not gospel but provide invaluable tools: 5 Languages of Love and His needs, her needs. Better to do them together, but not absolutely essential.

 

[wiigirl]

Two books probably worth reading. They are not gospel but provide invaluable tools: 5 Languages of Love and His needs, her needs. Better to do them together, but not absolutely essential.

Highly recommend His needs, Her needs.

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