Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
How have other BS regained trust in their WS?

I'm struggling a lot with believing anything, I don't trust my own judgement any more. At this time, within weeks since DD how can I trust him to be honest, and trust myself to make the right choices.

Like someone else said in another thread, the WS is not the person we thought they were. The person we loved and shared our life with wouldn't, couldn't do this life shattering thing to us, not if they truly loved us.

I truly loved my H, I could not ever Imagine engaging in a sexual act with another, for any reason, for boredom, excitement, just because it was on offer.....knowing I would come home to face him.

How can they truly love us, and yet disregard us so easily?

I'm really struggling with 'why am I making any effort to R' right now.

I need some good advice to at least give this a go, to at least give benefit of the doubt that things might be different from here on out.

Hardest thing to deal with though, is I thought we were so good and strong, and to now realise, he, is no different to any other selfish pig of a man is killing me, slowly!

HELP ME TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES, I'm feeling like a fool right now, who has been taken for the ultimate ride.

I do not trust myself to see things clearly at this time, and I struggle to trust the man who I thought I could trust to always do the right thing by me and his family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,671 Posts
Within weeks of dday you cant possibly trust him yet. Trust is something that will have to be earned over time by him thru effort and true remorse. What is HE doing to help YOU right now before I go any further?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,408 Posts
Within weeks of dday you cant possibly trust him yet. Trust is something that will have to be earned over time by him thru effort and true remorse. What is HE doing to help YOU right now before I go any further?
100% agree!

Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
As much as can be expected, he has given me all passwords, emails, phone, his word he regrets what he has done, he seems remorseful....but I struggle with all of this as ive become so untrusting.

Everything now could be a lie, to stay in the home, to stay with me and his kids. I don't doubt he loves us. But he cheated 3 times with colleagues, for no real good reason other than he could.

When I look at him, he looks all sad and sorrowful, and most of me thinks this is all an act.

It might be genuine, it might be fake, how do I know what is truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,243 Posts
I struggled with this for months. I still do, actually, at times, if something triggers me. In MC a month ago, we were discussing trust and hubby turned to me, frustrated, and said, WHY don't you just TRUST me?!?!? And I lost it on him. I mean, how the he!! can he expect me to trust him after what he did? That was a BAD BAD day, by far the worst I've had in almost two years.

It gets to a point where you will have to either start trusting again, or let him go. Either he's doing what he should be, and what you need, or he isn't. And then, if he won't do what he should be, you decide if you are going to make yourself live with someone you can't trust and who won't give you what you need. Because if he IS giving you what you need, you WILL start tot rust him again. But just not yet, and NOT all at once. It will start a bit at a time, and grow over time.

And you will trust different things in different ways - I do not trust my hubby to look at internet porn, and i probably never will. If he suggested he was ready to do this, I would kick his ass out again. But I do trust him to look at the internet now, and I trust that when I am not in the house he isn't sneaking on porn websites. I didn't at first - not at all!! He had to prove to me he was behaving - I had to see an unbroken time span on his internet history, and his cookies and his recent downloads and everything if I was out of the house. I had to verify he was telling the truth. And from time to time I still feel that need.

I don't think I will ever trust him 100% 100% of the time. But I will trust him to SOME extent all of the time, and I do trust him 100% most of the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,671 Posts
What do you mean when you say he seems remorseful? what is he doing to show that? Has he been honest and open? Is he willing to answer any and all of your questions about the affairs? Over and over until youre satisfied? IC? MC? What is he doing besides giving passwords????
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,426 Posts
Giving up passwords is easy, it's the smallest part of transparency. Real transparency is telling you what he's thinking, what he's feeling. Being an open book to you in all regards, nothing closed off or held back. It's answering all of your questions, not just the ones you ask, but the ones he knows you meant to ask but didn't or didn't know to.

IMO remorse has a trait in common with love, you generally know it when you see it. If you're asking yourself "is he remorseful? Is that true remorse?" Generally speaking I'm going to say the answer is no.

As has been said, you're way too early to be contemplating giving trust back to him. He's got to earn it and that means a lot of time proving to you that he is remorseful, proving that it won't happen a second time, and doing whatever you need to be able to maybe trust him again one day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,671 Posts
I agree with siggy about all of the above. The only thing I would add is if the deception went beyond 'just' infidelity into other aspects of the marriage then he could be truly remorseful yet you'd still be suspect b/c you still arent sure who he is just yet. So, it could be that though you are suspect as to his truthfulness about remorse- he genuinely is but you are clouded by the fact that he has been so dishonest of late that you've started to question not only him but your ability to judge. I get that. The only answer I have there is that you have to be strong enough to wait and see but resolved enough to walk away if he proves himself unworthy again. Sometimes the guy who is a cheater also is dishonest in other areas of his life.

I feel for you Lesley. I understand how this can be about more than infidelity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
877 Posts
trust comes with time and a consistent show of remorse and a lot of open communications. Right now you don't really trust at all, perfectly normal at a few weeks out. that will grow over the next few months to trust with verification, then on to trust and verify, then to trust and check up on occasionally, then to trust without checking up on.

The BIG factor here is his complete cooperation with all this. No getting mad because you don't trust. Our counselor said it takes roughly a year to rebuild trust. I am 5 months out from dday. I trust a lot now, but my wife has been so open and honest, transparent etc. she's out with a girl friend now and has sent me two pics of them together just to make me feel better. She's good like that.

it's all on him to make you feel secure.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,232 Posts
trust comes with time and a consistent show of remorse and a lot of open communications. Right now you don't really trust at all, perfectly normal at a few weeks out. that will grow over the next few months to trust with verification, then on to trust and verify, then to trust and check up on occasionally, then to trust without checking up on.

The BIG factor here is his complete cooperation with all this. No getting mad because you don't trust. Our counselor said it takes roughly a year to rebuild trust. I am 5 months out from dday. I trust a lot now, but my wife has been so open and honest, transparent etc. she's out with a girl friend now and has sent me two pics of them together just to make me feel better. She's good like that.

it's all on him to make you feel secure.
Posted via Mobile Device
Geeee whiz, B1, are you trying to stir the TAMers into a feeding frenzy. I am NOT having a GNO... I am having dinner with a happily married, life-long girlfriend, at Frisch's, whose 20 y/o step-son just died of cancer a few months ago and she's feeling depressed. BTW, on my way home, now....
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,234 Posts
Here's my deal: I'm a bit over 7 months out. My wife, Regret214, had a 5 year long affair with a guy. It went on for 40 some meetings over that time. I've learned, even as early as today, that I harbor a lot of resentment toward her regarding her affair and the energy and effort that she put into taking care of him.

Trust is a little bit away. I've tried. Trust me...I've really tried to be just in this position. However, when I began this reconciliation journey, I can tell you that it's been like pulling teeth getting information regarding the affair. I have probably asked 9 out of 10 questions to get an answer and she has given me 1 on her own.

THAT is where trust is built. When the WS opens up to the point where they can tell you exactly what happened and how and maybe even why without prompting or digging.

It is difficult. It is hard. I try every day to be okay with being the Archeologist of Truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
574 Posts
I feel affairs are nothing more than power trips used by a spouse and that is why they have trouble opening up after or during the affair - they like the power they hold over spouse and affair partner - to tell all would be giving up all that and being vulnerable - like the position they put others in.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top