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My WW says that she was searching for true love, pure love, painful love so she had an affair. I'm at loss of words to explain these terms. I wish I can buy this in walmart but I can't. With me handling day-to-day carp, the only way she can ever feel true/pure/painful is having an AP.

How to explain someone with so dysfunctional emotions about love? Any help??
 

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Its not love, its her wayward mind using that word to justify her selfish actions and behavior.

Love, made for each other, soul mates, blah blah blah all bullsh!t used by waywards to treat their husbands/wives like crap.

Also theres still no excuse for them not getting a divorce first.

Kick her ass out and see how fast she abandons that angle, and starts crying about being sorry.
 

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Sounds like chick lit talk from your wife. My STBXW does the same thing when trying to make excuses. So many cliches out of her mouth. "Eat, Pray, Love", "50 shades of Grey", with a little "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" all rolled up into one.

The bottom line is our wives were unhappy. Instead of investing into the marriage (the loyal, mature response), they took the fantasy way out. Too selfish and too fogged up (i.e. temporarily stupid) to realize that a fantasy is just that.... a fantasy.

My wife was 45 when she strayed. With a guy 13 years younger, who was just leaving his first wife with a 1 year old and a 3 year old. While having an affair with my wife, he had a girlfriend then later a fiance, who he married. Yet, my wife thought he was her soul mate. I guess it was "painful love" when he married his fiance (3 months after the PA with my wife ended). She has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Seriously. My 14 year old daughter is emotionally more grounded than my wife. My wife is still chasing her fantasy. I guess she wants more of that pure, painful love that was so good for her the last time...
 

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Sounds like chick lit talk from your wife. My STBXW does the same thing when trying to make excuses. So many cliches out of her mouth. "Eat, Pray, Love", "50 shades of Grey", with a little "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" all rolled up into one.

The bottom line is our wives were unhappy. Instead of investing into the marriage (the loyal, mature response), they took the fantasy way out. Too selfish and too fogged up (i.e. temporarily stupid) to realize that a fantasy is just that.... a fantasy.

My wife was 45 when she strayed. With a guy 13 years younger, who was just leaving his first wife with a 1 year old and a 3 year old. While having an affair with my wife, he had a girlfriend then later a fiance, who he married. Yet, my wife thought he was her soul mate. I guess it was "painful love" when he married his fiance (3 months after the PA with my wife ended). She has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Seriously. My 14 year old daughter is emotionally more grounded than my wife. My wife is still chasing her fantasy. I guess she wants more of that pure, painful love that was so good for her the last time...
How is she still your wife?
 

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This is really middle-school stuff. The more I read on TAM, the more I worry for my gender. The only consolation I have is that I know many, many women (most of the women I know) who are not like this at all.

Interestingly also, the typical romance novel hero is faithful to his love & the heroine won't tolerate infidelity. These are supposed to represent female ideals.....
 

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This is really middle-school stuff. The more I read on TAM, the more I worry for my gender. The only consolation I have is that I know many, many women (most of the women I know) who are not like this at all.

Interestingly also, the typical romance novel hero is faithful to his love & the heroine won't tolerate infidelity. These are supposed to represent female ideals.....
alte Dame: Most of the novels my STBXW read in the last couple years of our marriage were "modern, confident woman" novels and involved a heroine who was stuck in a "loveless" marriage and sought happiness, fulfillment, and killer sex via an affair. The OM's were typically fabulously wealthy, and had flat, washboard stomachs, and were sensitive too!! I'll try to get a few titles - they'r boxed up right now. LOL!

Anyway - best wishes for the season. I have to run - my STBXW is coming over for dinner (believe it or not) and she is cooking. It wasn't my idea.... it was a suggestion of our mediator. It was either this, or shuttle my girls to her place for a couple of hours tomorrow.
 

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alte Dame: Most of the novels my STBXW read in the last couple years of our marriage were "modern, confident woman" novels and involved a heroine who was stuck in a "loveless" marriage and sought happiness, fulfillment, and killer sex via an affair. The OM's were typically fabulously wealthy, and had flat, washboard stomachs, and were sensitive too!! I'll try to get a few titles - they'r boxed up right now. LOL!

Anyway - best wishes for the season. I have to run - my STBXW is coming over for dinner (believe it or not) and she is cooking. It wasn't my idea.... it was a suggestion of our mediator. It was either this, or shuttle my girls to her place for a couple of hours tomorrow.
Have her taste test the food she cooks before you try it... just sayin'. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
alte Dame: Most of the novels my STBXW read in the last couple years of our marriage were "modern, confident woman" novels and involved a heroine who was stuck in a "loveless" marriage and sought happiness, fulfillment, and killer sex via an affair. The OM's were typically fabulously wealthy, and had flat, washboard stomachs, and were sensitive too!! I'll try to get a few titles - they'r boxed up right now. LOL!

Anyway - best wishes for the season. I have to run - my STBXW is coming over for dinner (believe it or not) and she is cooking. It wasn't my idea.... it was a suggestion of our mediator. It was either this, or shuttle my girls to her place for a couple of hours tomorrow.
Most of the movies my WW watches has intense love-stories. And she will see herself in every heroine. In a day if she watches 10 movies, she will see herself in all the 10 heroines. It was my WW who was forcing the OM to believe that it’s true/pure love. And once a while she will ask the OM why he wants to be in this painful love, whereas OM basically wanted to get into her pants.
 

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Ooph, I'm with you on this.

I saw my STBXW reading "Eat Pray Love" during the affair period and only recently found out about what that book is about. It sounds like a real fog-inducer.

Real love. Painful love. How long do they think that kind of love lasts? Plus, that's how she felt when WE first met. She knows about the stages of love but chooses to ignore them.

STBXW did not want to "pass to the side of things" and miss an opportunity to start a new life with OM. And if it doesn't work out? "Oh well, at least we took our chances."

Is that how she will explain it to our daughters?
 

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I do plan to educate myself by reading some of these books, especially the non-fiction "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" variety.

After being cheated on and left, it occurs to me that maybe I don't have a very good grasp of the female mind. There's a whole undercurrent of thoughts they have which men don't have. I don't want to go into another long-term relationship without being better prepared.
 

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Wow.

I just started reading some of these book previews on Amazon and some of them are really ... dumb.

My conclusion is that any woman who gets something out of these books will typically be:

1. Shallow
2. Vain - it's all about meeeee!
3. Highly unrealistic about relationships
4. High maintenance
5. Expect you to be a mind-reader
6. Expect you to woo her incessantly as if your existence was meant for her pleasure
7. Most likely cheat on you for not meeting her lofty expectations


Not sure how useful these books will be for me but I'll keep searching.
 

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I actually spent a year 'typologizing' romance novels (am a linguist - don't ask :) ). There was a clear formula for these books in terms of plot & character traits. The hero had to be 6' or taller, have a perfect build, dazzling eyes and great hair (black hair, blue eyes is a favorite). The heroine had to be much smaller than the hero & was often much less remarkable in looks (female fantasy here of catching the gorgeous man). She was always very smart, though, and he could always see her physical beauty even if others overlooked it.

As for plot, they vary within a narrow range, but the hero *always* gives up his rakish ways for the virginal heroine, who is often shocked at the size of his 'shaft,' pursing her lips in a surprised 'O' and trying to calculate whether it could possibly 'fit.' They marry and have mobs of children and provide a stable example for the couple in the next book in the series.

There is increasingly a lot of sex in these books. The older ones were very soft porn, but the more recent ones are much more explicit. And of course, they are ridiculously unrealistic.

It's not a surprise, though, that women glom on to these books as opposed to earlier romance stories. Remember that up until the last century, they were primarily written by men & look what happened to those heroines - Juliet and Isolde die for their love, Guinevere and Gretchen are destroyed, and let's not get started on poor Anna Karenina...

No matter - if a reader can't tell fact from fiction, we're in trouble.
 

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Sounds like a lot of New Age nonsense.
Actually alte Dame nailed it, it's very old. This script is carbon copy of Madame Bovary (1856-57), minus the suicide: immature woman, delusional, romance-fantasy driven, running from her percived mediocre life, manipulating and gaslighting BH and fooling herself with the grandiosity of her lovers who invariably dump her, and even then they remain shockingly in the fantasy bubble becasue they don't get the issue is within instead of outhere. Of course daughter is neglected.

Only changes the minutiae.
Is not a surprise Madame Bovary is abook about mediocrity.
 
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