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Dear fellow humans,
I am almost 40, and when I take a look at my life, I can't help but thank God.
I have two beautiful children, a beautiful wife, a strong faith. I am also pretty successful in my work life. We all seem to be healthy, thank God.We have a comfortable life, doing many outdoor activities, having an interesting social life, going on vacations every year, eating out quite often, etc... But, as nobody is perfect, I can't help but feel unhappy because of my love relationship with my wife.

She's becoming distant and not showing much affection (one kiss/hug a day, oftentimes 0).
... and, you see it coming, my sex drive is higher than my wife's, and as I got rejected more regularly in time, I ended up losing confidence and getting weaker, I've reached a point where I can hardly handle the rejection anymore. My faith helps me, A LOT.

I have detected a recurrent pattern, that's draining my energy and hope. After being rejected, I am going through phases of not asking anymore, containing my pain and sexual tension until I can't no more. We argue. We have sex once or twice, the next week, and then the cycle reset. Let's make it straight, for me the perfect moment to have sex is when we feel like it:
  • I could do it every day, I'll be a happy man making love to my wife one day out of two. (BTW, it doesn’t have to be “penetration” all the time…)
  • My wife is more like once a week.
I see you guys coming, she owns her body, so she does what she wants. Yes. And then we married and promised monogamy... So, we rely on each other for sex. Men bond and cement relationship through sex, that's a known fact. Also, I love her to the point that if she's not happy with me anymore, I wish she's going to be happier than ever in her next relationship. So again, yes, I truly love her. Let's get some things cleared:
  • I am a good-looking person, sporty, kind and honest.
  • I am kind with my wife and generous in all aspect.
  • I am doing my share in the housekeeping,
  • and I try to be the best father I can be.
  • I also try to be the best husband for my wife too
  • Being the best husband doesn't mean I don't have an attitude and that I am a "yes" man
  • Anytime we have sex we both bust a nut.
  • yes, I also have many defaults... but can communicate and work on them
My pain gets more intense as I know that after a certain time, some people might love their interest in having sex with their spouse. 95% of the time, I am the one who engages physically, either for a kiss, a hug or a sex. It seems to be the case for my wife. Not for me, I find her sexier than ever. Despite both of us getting older, but I am fine with it, what can we do about that? Wrinkles don’t make people ugly… beauty is a whole. But she, and I get it, lost her interest in me. And that's OK, it happens more often than we think... Monogamy might be the problem or it could be me, or her, or both of us...

My sadness comes from the fact that I know, her libido is not dead at all and could thrive again, but probably not with me... I've witnessed many separated couples that had libido issues, having the best sex life ever after they find a new partner. For how long, only God knows ... That's life, it works this way. I wish I could re-ignite my libido with my wife, (I have been thinking about living in a different apartment, leaving the house for a couple days from time to time… but we have kids…) but she is not a great communicant and this make me think we are doomed in the long term. I am stranded in my sexual unsatisfaction until the day I can't handle it no more and we’ll split... I hate this thought. While we REALLY always enjoy it when we have sex, and let’s pretend we truly love each other.

Why, if you know that something hurts your lover, wouldn't you make an effort to heal and relief this pain?

I can't understand why, a woman or a man, would not make the effort of having sex with his/her partner when they know that the other is suffering from this lack of sexuality, WHILE spending hours on social media apps or in front of TV... Love, attention, hugs, kisses… And sex, it's lasts 30 mins, 45 mins showers included. Then there are 23 hours and 30 mins lefts… My hanger is amplified as I would throw my hand a blade for my wife (or any member of my family or friend...) Worth to mention, she doesn't suffer from having sex with me, I swear.

"I am tired."
"I don't want to re-take a shower.""
"We did it two days ago."
"Ah chores time again"
"I never ask anything from you, why don't you leave me alone"

Sex should never be too complicated; we should keep it simple. SIMPLE. Why does our spouse, spend hours on Instagram or Facebook or watching tv shows and not spend 30 mins to save, or cement or make his/her partner happy?

Why?

For me it’s an adamant proof that I am not her priority anymore. Is monogamy a scam? Does she hide something that she hates about me, physically or mentally? I have asked for doctor’s help; they provided Zoloft and that helped reduce my sex drive but side effects were too important (it changed my mood; I wasn’t me anymore). Sleeping pills in order not to think to much while I have my head on the pillow before sleeping… same thing it’s not sustainable.
Again, my faith helps me a lot but I am not invincible and faces highs and lows… like tonight.
Please if you think you can help, have any idea on how to fix or ease the pain coming from this situation, don’t hesitate.

Thanks for your time.
 

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1. First of all, regarding your perfect life, it sounds life hasn't kicked you in the balls yet. It will.
2. Second, you sound like a really nice guy. Stop being a *****, add a little ****head to you repertoire & maybe you'll build some desire in your wife.
3. Third, there's no extra charge for Enter keys on this forum. Try inserting an extra one after each paragraph.
4. In the future, no coffee for you for 4 hours prior to posting on TAM.
 

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I am almost 40, and when I take a look at my life, I can't help but thank God.
I have two beautiful children, a beautiful wife, a strong faith. I am also pretty successful in my work life.
We all seem to be healthy, thank God.
We have a comfortable life, doing many outdoor activities, having an interesting social life, going on vacatio
This all sounds really good. How long have you been married?


  • I could do it every day, I'll be a happy man making love to my wife one day out of two. (BTW, it doesn’t have to be “penetration” all the time…)
  • My wife is more like once a week.
When you say you want sex everyday are you wanting the act (she didn't have to be into it just present) or shared intimacy?

For some men it's about the act. Sex is just a way to feel pleasure and maybe get some validation that they are a "good" lover. For others, sex is about being sexually desired.. For others it's about intimacy and emotional bonding. The latter require a vested partner who feels the same as they do.

Once you figure out which category you belong to, and which one your wife falls under then you can decide how to address the problem.

Right now you want sex everyday but your wife is happy with once a week. Obviously compromise is in order but without knowing the drivers for sex, it's hard to give you advice.

She's becoming distant and not showing much affection (one kiss/hug a day, oftentimes 0).
Do you try to escalate every instance of affection into a sexual encounter? She may avoid showing affection because she's afraid that when she does it signals "let's have sex" to you.
 

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You can't make someone desire sex with you....I don't blame you for giving up. most people don't want to keep going after someone when they are getting rejected...Despite what people say, books they will tell you to read, self help crap, counseling, etc...more than often the best you are going to get is weak, lame, duty type sex...Some are satisfied with that, a LOT of people will never be(raises hand)...My guess is the once a week you are getting now is likely just to get you off her back and keep you from losing it entirely....If she never initiates, then its just another indication that it's just duty sex...

It all boils down to these options at this point....

-Stay and just "take care of yourself"....It sucks but millions of guys are doing this and accepting this fate, as it allows them to not blow up their lives and not go down the road of infidelity(yes, i know some people think jerking off is some form of infidelity)...also bear in mind, that a lot of men's libido will drop off right around your age and older....That is a crap shoot, because some never do...My grandfather had a few women he was screwing when he was well into upper 70's..

-Go get what you want on the street, with someone else, or even a sex worker...Sounds like because of your faith this won't work either and getting involved with someone else while still married has it's own problems which are well documented.....

-Just pack up and leave...You don't have to make it acrimonious,,, If you otherwise get along with her, it shouldn't be too bad, but let's face it, a lot of people don't leave until it gets to the point of unbearable...

It's really unfortunate....When you think about it, when one person abandons the other sexually, it leads them into this type of trap, that has no real easy way out...Face the lion, the bear, or the tiger...either way you are screwed...
 

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You can't make someone desire sex with you....I don't blame you for giving up. most people don't want to keep going after someone when they are getting rejected...Despite what people say, books they will tell you to read, self help crap, counseling, etc...more than often the best you are going to get is weak, lame, duty type sex...Some are satisfied with that, a LOT of people will never be(raises hand)...My guess is the once a week you are getting now is likely just to get you off her back and keep you from losing it entirely....If she never initiates, then its just another indication that it's just duty sex...

It all boils down to these options at this point....

-Stay and just "take care of yourself"....It sucks but millions of guys are doing this and accepting this fate, as it allows them to not blow up their lives and not go down the road of infidelity(yes, i know some people think jerking off is some form of infidelity)...also bear in mind, that a lot of men's libido will drop off right around your age and older....That is a crap shoot, because some never do...My grandfather had a few women he was screwing when he was well into upper 70's..

-Go get what you want on the street, with someone else, or even a sex worker...Sounds like because of your faith this won't work either and getting involved with someone else while still married has it's own problems which are well documented.....

-Just pack up and leave...You don't have to make it acrimonious,,, If you otherwise get along with her, it shouldn't be too bad, but let's face it, a lot of people don't leave until it gets to the point of unbearable...

It's really unfortunate....When you think about it, when one person abandons the other sexually, it leads them into this type of trap, that has no real easy way out...Face the lion, the bear, or the tiger...either way you are screwed...
Yep...100% agree with Hama

OP your choices are pretty much live with it or leave. (I don't think even finding someone just for sex is an option as not sure many women are into that...unless you pay them) Some here will tell you they were able to get their wives to turn around...others are just lucky and have a woman who wants sex. Either way, I think those numbers are low. Sure there are a handfull here that have but thats a very low percentage in the big picture. Go search the net and see how many success stories there are...not many.

Otherwise the rest are like you and I so the way I see it, your only choice is to leave and try to find a woman who does (like sex). Sad reality but thats how it is.

Best of luck
 

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Have you had a nice talk with her where you tell her where this is heading and she if she can let you in on what the problem is?
But you know she probably

1. Won't even want to talk about it
2. Say there is no real problem

But yeah you are right CC the first thing to do is to try to talk but I wouldn't give that too many tries.
 

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But you know she probably

1. Won't even want to talk about it
2. Say there is no real problem

But yeah you are right CC the first thing to do is to try to talk but I wouldn't give that too many tries.
That’s fine. He says he loves her so he should at least try to see if she will come to him and if she’ll let him in on any problems.

It’s probably worth it for the OP to check out something like @dadstartingover book Dead Bedroom Fix to see if he has needy behaviors that are driving her away. If he does have those, correct all those things for several months before having the talk and at that point have it once.

The dynamic where OP is doing this repeatedly is bad and is causing resentment.

The OP admits she is likely LL4U in that if she was in a new relationship he imagines she would be having sex more freely. I imagined the same thing about my wife and I was right because I made myself into that person she’d be having sex with.
 

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Some here will tell you they were able to get their wives to turn around...others are just lucky and have a woman who wants sex. Either way, I think those numbers are low. Sure there are a handfull here that have but thats a very low percentage in the big picture. Go search the net and see how many success stories there are...not many.
One component in common with all of them that I have seen and myself as well is that all of the success story people were willing to walk or in the process of walking.

I think it’s a critical component in that if the LL values the relationship at all they need to know it will not continue unless the bedroom situation gets fixed.
 

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For me it’s an adamant proof that I am not her priority anymore.
So at one point she was having sex at a level you found acceptable?

You need to let her know that this can’t continue and you will work with her to change whatever you need to change on your end to fix it, but if she doesn’t make an effort that’s it. You sound like you’re already kind of prepared to leave, once you know you will leave if it’s not fixed then make some time (outside the bedroom) to talk about these issues and let her know the situation can’t continue as it is now.
 

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But you know she probably

1. Won't even want to talk about it
2. Say there is no real problem

But yeah you are right CC the first thing to do is to try to talk but I wouldn't give that too many tries.
Um, do you think we could let the OP answer this before projecting your own situation into it?

Like Jeopardy, these things are much better in the form of a question...to the OP.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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OP:

What complaints does your wife have about you besides not leaving her alone? Not necessarily just about you, but about life in general.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy.

Used to make my head explode when wife would say "We just had sex the other day".

No, it was 12 days ago.

Those books helped me realize some things and changes i needed to make. Along with removing her from the pedestal i placed her on.

She finally came to the understanding that sex was much more to me than a feel good physical activity. It was an emotional bonding activity, and by it being sparce from her withholding it was doing damage to the bond i had with her and what that end result would be.

We have sex almost daily now. Not quickies either...im not capable. Quick is 45 min. 40% of the time i do not even reach climax. I do not care, it is about the bond it creates that i feel with her.

She had always had orgasm through PIV so it was not that. She had let so much stuff that did not matter take up too much of her head space. Hence not realizing last time she made love to her hubby was almost 2 weeks prior.
 

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, I've reached a point where I can hardly handle the rejection anymore.
My faith helps me, A LOT.
when I take a look at my life, I can't help but thank God.
I have two beautiful children, a beautiful wife, a strong faith. I am also pretty successful in my work life.


even feminist may disagree, this is how it works ( and works well )
 

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Tell your wife that she will be pleased to know that you have found a solution to your intimacy issues that you are sure she will be thrilled with, given that you won't need to bother her.

Then ask her if she knows what Only Fans is.
Make sure you know what it is first.

Serious side. Appears that your wife is very comfortable telling you, 'No.'
How comfortable is she getting the same response from you. And how often do you exercise 'No.'?
 

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I feel like from your post there is more in your marriage than just her low libido. It seems not only she does not want to have sex with you she is not interested in fundamental physical touch, kiss or hug.

"Ah chores time again" if my wife told me this even once I don't think I would be able to be intimate with her ever again.

I personally don't think I would be able to live in such marriage. Eventually, your resentment of her will boil over an you will either find what is missing outside of your marriage or you will finally leave her. Why wait until this moment occurs?
 

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Sorry if I have no advice that may fit in your worldview and neither in the one of most of people.

I think that a sexless marriage (exception made for a well diagnosed health issue) is also a loveless relationship.
Sexual intimacy may or not need to always involve the activities that are classically understood as "having sex" (better if it does) but the kind of full Love and complete Love that ancient Greeks called Eros (the specific one suited for the human couple). The one that we use to name as being in love.
So, coming from that frame I find the Soul / Flesh dualism of some views as a kind of pervertion of our natures and of the nature of love itself.

That given and again I will not voice an advice to you but you may infer which one would it be.
 

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I am sorry to read your story. This must feel very tough on you!

I might be an unicorn, but I am honestly not believing in woman as less sexual than men at all — because I am a woman with an high sex drive. ( Depending on my cycle of course, but if turned on I could have sex every day!)

Although, it was a long way for me to become comfortable and confident enough to have “real sex”. I mean the freedom of letting go and showing my pleasure as well as telling what I really like.
It was a learning curve and I’ve been in relationships, in which I felt sex was a chore — because I didn’t know any better.

After I had my first child, I had so much pain while having sex, that I feared it. We had to relearn how to have pleasure without having actual penetration. I went to see a Pelvic Floor Specialist and she really helped me release my pain. So, it might be one reason why your wife lost interest. It wasn’t easy for me to tell those things to my husband at the time.

What I am suggesting here is, that I believe there might be a solution for your problem, if your wife opens up to you. But it means for you to be patient and to give her the space and trust to open up and find her libido again. Sometimes this means going unconventional routes — like playing with massages, going on holiday, listening for her needs and cues or whatever would turn her on.

I feel I can trust my husband. I don’t feel forced to have sex with him. We show each other affection in small gestures daily without the pressure to have sex right away. And we both say no to each other on occasions, but more often yes.

I am pretty sure women are most often more sexual than their label. It’s just different and probably more complex than of men. There might be a high chance that you can reconnect with your wife, but it means to be open with her without putting pressure on her.

Maybe your way of initiating sex feels egoistic to her? Maybe if you show her you are interested in her pleasure and fantasies first, she might learn to really enjoy sex with you again?
 
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