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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I always wonder, does the affair and aftermath bring out the true and hidden nature of WS/BS during and after affair !!! or is it just change of personality for the that duration.

Does one has to be carefully access what a individual is capable off or one can just ignore it.
 

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I think that it bares a person to the bones. You find out not only what they were capable of during the affair, but what kind of person they truly are afterwards. You CANNOT ignore what they are capable of....otherwise you will be blindsided again. You can only keep your eyes open and trust your gut. It does not take long to find out if it was a onetimer or a major flaw.
 

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Any major life situation, especially of a traumatic nature, has the potential to strip away superficial elements of an individuals personality. That being said, I don't think a person specifically has a "true" nature. That implies that at the core of ones being there is a set of characteristics that are static and incapable of being changed. I think the very existence of this forum is a direct argument against that assumption. We as humans are capable of embracing change and becoming the people we want to, or at the very least, should be.
 

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I liken it to toughness. People who cheat are weak. Most of us could probably cheat if we wanted, but the difference between cheaters and non-cheaters is the strength to do what you know is right even when every bit of your soul and being may be pulling you to do what is wrong.

I also think this weakness of character can be strengthened but it takes work and ongoing exercise. Very few people can run a marathon without training, but very many can with training. So what's the capability / natural state? Being able to or not? Is your character trained / strong or untrained / weak?

I think in the right circumstances even the strongest people can become weak. And the weak can also become strong. But they both require an active state of mind to do so.
 

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Affairs brings out the worst in people.

It shows you just how selfish, cruel, unloving, and mean your partner can be.
They stab you in the back, and wonder why you are so upset at their betrayal.

But after the affair, does matter.
I always love those movie scenes, where it shows the face of someone, and half of their face is covered in shadows, and the other half is illuminated in the light.
Because it shows how radically different people can be.

During an affair, you see how trully dark and evil that darkside can be. You see that person at their worst, most selfish time.
And then after the affair, you may that person trying to be their best.
I do realize this doesn't hold true for all WS, but when the WS was shocked out of their fog, and trully wants to reconcile with their BS, you begin to see the good side of them. And you understand how caring, selfless, and sacrifical they can be.

And that is always something that amazes me.
You see the darkest and cruelest they can be during the affair.
And you can see how nice and gentle they can be after the affair.
You have the full picture of what they look like. You know how kind hearted they can be. And you know the lows they can sink to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Affairs brings out the worst in people.

It shows you just how selfish, cruel, unloving, and mean your partner can be.
They stab you in the back, and wonder why you are so upset at their betrayal.

But after the affair, does matter.
I always love those movie scenes, where it shows the face of someone, and half of their face is covered in shadows, and the other half is illuminated in the light.
Because it shows how radically different people can be.

During an affair, you see how trully dark and evil that darkside can be. You see that person at their worst, most selfish time.
And then after the affair, you may that person trying to be their best.
I do realize this doesn't hold true for all WS, but when the WS was shocked out of their fog, and trully wants to reconcile with their BS, you begin to see the good side of them. And you understand how caring, selfless, and sacrifical they can be.

And that is always something that amazes me.
You see the darkest and cruelest they can be during the affair.
And you can see how nice and gentle they can be after the affair.
You have the full picture of what they look like. You know how kind hearted they can be. And you know the lows they can sink to.
So is it ok to assume that the true characteristic of a WS is the total sum of while affair+after affair character?? So in-future, it's a good indicator to know what WS is capable off !!!
 

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So is it ok to assume that the true characteristic of a WS is the total sum of while affair+after affair character?? So in-future, it's a good indicator to know what WS is capable off !!!
By virtue of being a cheater, you know what they're "capable of".

Doesn't mean they can't realize their behavior has been deplorable and change.
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I can say that my husband and I learned a lot about ourselves and each other during this whole process. He apparently learned that he can't go through with having someone on the side for just sex even when his bipolar wife is in the heart of an episode and telling him to, that he has to have at least some sort of feelings for the person. He learned that though I may freak out about the trash going out (I'm working on it, and a lot of other things now) that I can handle the big stuff much better, much calmer and logically. I react better under pressure, always have, but I now think it has something to do with the psychology of being the BS. I learned how badly my disorder was hurting him, and how much I NEED to get help. I learned that my husband can and has lied to me. I never thought it possible before, stupid me. I learned that I really do have something worth working for here and that I need the stop that idiotic "You'd be better off with someone else" bulls***. If I really think they'd be better off with someone else, I need to be better for them. So we're all working on things now. Meeting each other's emotional needs. I think we all have parts of ourselves that we don't like, maybe even abhor. Sometimes they come out in ugly ways. I choose to work on mine. I hope my husband does too in the long run (It's only been a little over a week).
 

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I always wonder, does the affair and aftermath bring out the true and hidden nature of WS/BS during and after affair !!! or is it just change of personality for the that duration.

Does one has to be carefully access what a individual is capable off or one can just ignore it.
I think as a betrayed, I have always been a POS that had no feelings (thats how I was raised when parents stay together for the kids) cold heart and lack of emotion. My 180 was differnet then most in the aspect of engaging, attaching, and love rather then disengaging, unattaching, and indifference. Plus I stopped slapping WW around!
So there was a duration, not so hidden, but a real behavior flaw.


As far as my FWW goes I think it was a change in personality when the love she had for me hurt so much that she had to detach. Never finding that love with some OM, but putting a band aid on our marriage with loveless relationships...over and over again. I believe she never found that love she had for me even after trying time and again.

You know your unhealthy capcities, but they are are unhealthy so you ignore them for as long as you can. But your true nature tells you that it is unhealthy and its a matter of time before you make the change as an individual for you self, irregaurdless of what your spouses is doing and her capacity to have unhealthy behaviors.

But whats unique is when this change happen at the same time. So your spouse is no longer walking in front of you, they are no longer walking behind you, but they are walking next to you with the same goal...........to be healthier individuals for them selves. Sticking around with said spouse to reap the rewards the other is doing to better them selves.

Geeze, that was deep, my brain hurts. LOL

You have to know your own capacity in unhealthy behaviors so you can make the changes for your self. Your old lady can do the same...or not...but at the end of the day its about you being a better person to walk along a companion be it your old spouse or a new one.

Expecting change but doing the same thing over again is insanity!

What I mean is change your self and what follows next is gotta be better then the old way of doing things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
What I mean is change your self and what follows next is gotta be better then the old way of doing things.
This is exactly happening to myself. I'm working very very hard in changing myself. Raising kids and a family took toll on me but I found that I've to make it clear to the partner to come up with a way to help me !!!

I'm very happy with the changes I'm seeing in my personality. I was a calm going person with few outbursts but I've decided to stop those few outbursts for my own sanity.

Yup, changing myself and what follows next is really better than old ways. !!! Thanks,
 
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