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My husband & I went all the way through school together, we were always friends. After high school, we went on our separate ways, only seeing each other once in a while. He was dating someone & I was content being single. One night (2/05) he came to my house & told me he & his girlfriend had broken up, how much he cared for me & always had & that if I’d give him a chance he’d do “whatever it took” to make me happy. Me, being 21 & single, believed him & fell in love immediately (I’d always had feelings for him, I just let them out in the open).

We began dating & started living together rather soon in the relationship. We went out & had fun together, drinking, partying, what normal 21 year olds do. We got our own house together in 2/06. After moving into the house, in town, where all of his/our friends lived, he started changing. He would get mad over anything he could come up with & storm out & sometimes be gone all night or even for 2 nights. He had always liked to drink, but it seemed to get worse. We fought a lot. I now realize this is when we started our “pattern”: He would do something bad, i.e. be gone for a whole weekend without me knowing where he was, we would fight, we would make up & come to a conclusion or “deal” & both agree to it & he would promise to never do it again. It would be out of his system for a while, then he’d do it again… Sometimes in 3 months, sometimes in 6.

He asked me to marry him in 3/07, after he had returned from an “outing”. I said yes, I know, pretty stupid, huh? I guess I thought it would make things better.

We got married in 12/07. The day before we got married, he wanted to purchase something (a “big boy toy”) for $1000. I told him we didn’t have the extra money & I didn’t want him to. His exact words were, “I don’t care,” as he walked out the door to go buy this thing. I was livid! I honestly thought about postponing the wedding (it was just a small wedding, us & 2 witnesses, so not much to postpone) but then thought that I was just being stupid & went ahead with it anyway. I realize now that was probably the biggest mistake of my life!

In 10/07 (backtrack a little) we had decided to move out to the country. We had a place & bought a singlewide mobile home. I couldn’t wait to get moved, hoping that if my husband wasn’t around the temptation of his friends, we wouldn’t have so many problems. We finally moved in 6/08. Things were great for a while, but I guess the new wore off. His bad behavior started up again, & again, we were going through the vicious cycle.

I can’t even count how many times he has run off like this, over the smallest things. Most of the time he blames it on me, saying I “pushed him to it.” 99% of the time he does it, it involves drinking & staying gone for at least 1 night, if not more. Once, he was out drinking & ran our vehicle into a fence, scratching the hood badly.

He did this again, this past week (4/11). He works out of state & got mad at me because I was mad at him for lying to me. He again, said I pushed him to it. He was scheduled to fly home on the 11th & did, but never actually made it home until the 12th, after being gone for work for 2 weeks. When he did come home, it felt like he was a different person. He was very disrespectful & arrogant the whole time home. He just left today & I can already feel the anxiety growing inside me, wondering what’s going to happen this time.

He also has a bad habit of lying to me about stupid stuff, which makes me distrust him & wonder what big stuff he’s lying to me about. I know this is a major thorn in our relationship’s side.

I know I’m not the easiest person to get along with, however, when we’re getting along & he’s being nice & I feel like he’s treating me with respect, all is great. It’s when I’m done wrong that I react. I know & have proven to him that if there’s nothing to react to, I don’t react.

I have done something very wrong in the past, I have told him that if he runs off again for an overnight outing, not to come back, that he’s not welcome. But instead of sticking to it, I always let him come back. I know this is only teaching him that it’s okay & that I’m not going to do anything about it, so he has no repercussions. I guess I have formed a dependency with him. I know I could make it on my own, but don’t want to have to. I realize that if I want this to quit, I need to quit threatening & just do it one day with no forewarning to him. But then I wonder what if he just leaves & never comes back? What will I do then?

I believe that he is (has turned into) a borderline alcoholic. His drinking bothers me a lot & has become the central cause of our fights here lately. He has told me when he was mad that he is not going to quit drinking, even if it meant losing me. This cut me deep. I think this is the reason I haven’t kicked him out, I guess I’m afraid he means it.

I’m really not sure what I should do. Should I kick him out, hoping he’ll see the error of his ways but risking that he won’t & he'll just never come back? Should I just let him do what he wants just to avoid conflict?

I’m to the point now that I’m tempted to sign up for an online dating service. This is not me, I do not believe in cheating. Not that I’m planning on cheating, I’m just curious who’s out there I guess. I haven’t done this & probably won’t, but this really alarms me. It tells me that I’m not getting something that I need out of this relationship. If I were to tell my husband about this, he would only get mad about me thinking of doing it & not hear the rest.

Sorry this has been so long! Any advice is greatly appreciated!!! =) If I left anything out, please ask.
 

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I don't want to make you panic, but something is not right about your husband's behavior!

To me it sounds like he is cheating on you. He picks a fight with you, blames you, then get a reason to storm out, disappear for a night or two, have fun with whoever he could get.

He acts haughty because he knows you are in his control, and he knows he can get other girls. To me, he is a sh**ty man, don't tolerate him anymore.

If you have a job, make your own money and own living, just set strict boundaries with him. If he violates your boundaries, kick him out, no mercy! With this type of men, don't be merciful with them. If you are nice, they only take advantage of you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I don't want to make you panic, but something is not right about your husband's behavior!

To me it sounds like he is cheating on you. He picks a fight with you, blames you, then get a reason to storm out, disappear for a night or two, have fun with whoever he could get.

He acts haughty because he knows you are in his control, and he knows he can get other girls. To me, he is a sh**ty man, don't tolerate him anymore.

If you have a job, make your own money and own living, just set strict boundaries with him. If he violates your boundaries, kick him out, no mercy! With this type of men, don't be merciful with them. If you are nice, they only take advantage of you!
You could be right. There are only a couple of times I've suspected it & each time I've had ppl back up his story about where he was at & what he was doing... even my own family, which I believe.

Honestly, I DO feel like he's cheating on me... with alcohol! I've told him this before, but he doesn't seem to care. I've often wished I had a habit that is as annoying & hurtful to him as his drinking is to me, but I know it wouldn't be the same... I'd be the bad guy & it would be different as far as he was concerned.

You are right about him taking advantage of me... this is exactly how I feel.

I do have a job, but it's only part time. I think I could get more work, close to full time, but honestly I'm still not sure I could make enough $ to get all of the bills paid... That's what worries me & why I haven't done anything.

Thanks so much for your input & advice!
 

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You could be right. There are only a couple of times I've suspected it & each time I've had ppl back up his story about where he was at & what he was doing... even my own family, which I believe.

Honestly, I DO feel like he's cheating on me... with alcohol! I've told him this before, but he doesn't seem to care. I've often wished I had a habit that is as annoying & hurtful to him as his drinking is to me, but I know it wouldn't be the same... I'd be the bad guy & it would be different as far as he was concerned.

You are right about him taking advantage of me... this is exactly how I feel.

I do have a job, but it's only part time. I think I could get more work, close to full time, but honestly I'm still not sure I could make enough $ to get all of the bills paid... That's what worries me & why I haven't done anything.

Thanks so much for your input & advice!
Mrs,

When people are cheating, they can always find other people to cover up for them.

And living with an alcoholic and somebody who is not emotional stable is torment for you!

You are still pretty young, please don't let this kind of unhealthy life last long.

From now on, don't be bothered by him anymore. Don't say anything, don't do anything, don't make him suspicious, start planning now!

Find more hours or a full time job, make sure you are financial stable first.

When everything is in your favor, show him the cards.

When you are tough, he backs off.
 

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You seem to have very low self-esteem, putting up with his behavior and falling "in love" simply b/c he showed up at your door one night. You gave your heart before you learned what he was really like to the people he supposedly loved. So when you learned the truth, you were too invested to pull out--even though (good for you) you knew you should.

Start counseling and decide what you want out of life. Being alone isn't being lonely, although it takes time to get used to it. Some people think a person alone is a loser, or rather, they think that about *themselves* because they don't have a partner. Let me tell you, being alone by choice and refusing to let undeserving people into your life is a sign of a very "together" person.

If he won't stop drinking, you cannot begin to make progress. Decide--in counseling--if this is the life you want. Please don't bring children into a life with an alcoholic parent, it just isn't fair to them. So do you want to be "alone while married," which you are--an alcoholic is married to his drinking.

I hope you'll start counseling immediately. Lots of resources are available for people who may not have insurance or enough $$ to cover therapy. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You seem to have very low self-esteem, putting up with his behavior and falling "in love" simply b/c he showed up at your door one night. You gave your heart before you learned what he was really like to the people he supposedly loved. So when you learned the truth, you were too invested to pull out--even though (good for you) you knew you should.

Start counseling and decide what you want out of life. Being alone isn't being lonely, although it takes time to get used to it. Some people think a person alone is a loser, or rather, they think that about *themselves* because they don't have a partner. Let me tell you, being alone by choice and refusing to let undeserving people into your life is a sign of a very "together" person.

If he won't stop drinking, you cannot begin to make progress. Decide--in counseling--if this is the life you want. Please don't bring children into a life with an alcoholic parent, it just isn't fair to them. So do you want to be "alone while married," which you are--an alcoholic is married to his drinking.

I hope you'll start counseling immediately. Lots of resources are available for people who may not have insurance or enough $$ to cover therapy. Good luck.
Yes, you are correct, I do have low self esteem, I am aware of this.

I didn't fall in love w/ him because he showed up @ my door. I had already known him for a long time & when our relationship was new it was much better, I think because I was still in my "kid" stage, rather than my "okay, it's time to grow up now" stage as I am now & was only a year or so into our relationship.

I do want to start counseling & he has agreed. His work schedule is just so crazy that it's hard to schedule stuff, but I am going to figure that out!

As for kids, I do not want kids. I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I didn't, but that I would have them if he really wanted to. After his "outings" started, I told him that until he grew up, I was not going to have children, it wouldn't be fair to drag a baby into this mess. And, I wasn't going to give up something (my freedom) if he wasn't willing to give up something (his drinking). Don't worry, kids are not an issue, I am 27 now & have decided that I am just not having kids.

Thank you for your input! =)
 
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