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My husband and I have been married for 3 years but have been together since we were 13. We've grown up together and and shared every experience of adolescent and adult life together.

Within the last year, it has come to my attention that my husband has a 'hotwife' interest. He told me it started when we were in HS and we were in a friend's car with me between him and another male friend. My husband said it started him thinking about how hot it would be to watch another guy touch me. Well, four years ago he and another male friend got drunk and convinced me to have a sexual encounter with both of them. I have regretted it and hated myself for it ever since. I feel dirty and bad because up until that point my husband was the only man I had ever been sexual with. Three years later I can barely look that friend in the face which is heartbreaking because we were very good friends up until that point. My husband loved it.

I recently walked in on him pleasuring himself to porn where a man was watching his significant other have sex with another man. I was very upset by this as he knows how I feel about porn. It hurt me deeply because we have made our own videos for his private viewing and I don't understand how he could make a conscious choice to watch other women when he has videos and pictures of me. He explained it wasn't about the other women, but about the scenario of a man watching his wife have sex with another man. Still, it hurt me.

I installed several tracking devices on our computer so I could know what he was doing and when. He swore he wouldn't watch porn anymore.

I went out of town to visit my father for a week and when I came back I checked the programs. He had been watching more 'hotwife' porn, so I confronted him about it since he swore he wouldn't do it anymore. Anyway, long story short he agreed that I should be able to have the programs on the computer since he has proven to be untrustworthy and he wants to win my trust back. I told him porn was unacceptable because we have our own videos but that erotic fiction was alright. (It's something about him looking at other, real women that bothers me, not him reading about fictitious scenarios.)

Anyway, after taking our baby over to visit my mom, I looked at our browser history and he had been reading MFM erotica, which is fine, but has now got me concerned.

We have talked about his desires and how he wants to watch me with other men and I have explained to him that it is just not going to happen. I am concerned because we are not on the same page sexually. I do not want to sleep with other men. If I did, I would not have married my husband. It hurts me that he would want me to because it makes me feel like he doesn't love me as much as I love him, as I would NEVER share him with another woman. I know it is just a sexual preference thing, but I do not understand it. He has tried to explain that it is about watching me have pleasure, but if that is the case why can't he just watch our videos? I am having pleasure in those, so why is that not enough? We have sex very regularly and it is almost always great, but when I am away from home why are the videos of us not enough to satisfy him? Why does he continue to seek out this 'hotwife' desire?

Is there anything I can do to help him feel sexually satisfied without sleeping with other men? Can someone please explain to me (In non judgmental terms) why my husband is turned on by the idea of me sleeping with other people? I am not judging him, I just do not understand it, as it is not my sexual desire. And is there any way for me to keep from getting my feelings hurt by it? Because they are very very hurt right now. I feel inadequate and am wondering if monogamous sex will eventually not be enough for him.

He has never expressed any desire to sleep with other women and when we had the encounter three years ago, he and the other male never touched, so I am not concerned with 'latent homosexuality'. I really just want to understand why he finds the scenario so arousing, because I do not. Anyone who has this desire, if you could please explain it to me, do. I just want to be sexually satisfied and I want the same for my husband, but it is hard to with hurt feelings and without understanding why he feels the way he does.
 

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He doesn't love you any less, that's one thing you need to understand. The hotwife fetish is complex for both men and women. There's several variations, but your husband was being completely honest in what he said about it being a turn on watching you with OM.

Part of the issue is that you see sex one-dimensionally, which there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but he sees things from a far more liberal perspective. The fetish itself is fantastic when both parties are on the same page, but as you can read from several topics here- married couples are often not on the same page, and many times, not even in the same book.

As you have clearly stated that you tried it, you felt dirty, and have no reason to do it again. I think the only advice I can offer is that you let him know what the limits are on your involvement in his fantasy- but also understand that he's very turned on by these fantasies, so why not let him "get it out of his system" by letting him watch the porn once every 15 or 30 days or something? Or have you thought about maybe roleplaying the fantasy somehow just between the two of you (him pretending to be the OM or something)?

One thing I've noticed with most couples, is that when one gets turned on by something outside the marriage, the spouse inside the marriage tends to see a stronger libido and better sex.

Instead of shutting his fantasies out entirely, maybe find a way that you can support the fantasy without having to involve a third party.

I used to be part of the "lifestyle" including threesomes, cuckolding, hotwives, etc.. and frankly, it's been a really positive and sexually liberating thing for me. While it's clearly not for everyone, I do honestly believe those drawn to it are not sick or perverted, so much as just finding their sexual stimuli. It's really no different than bondage, roleplaying, or any other "kink", with exception that 3rd parties are involved.

Maybe you could also find your own 'kinks' and open up to him about it. If you truly believe simple straight sex, 3-4 positions, occasional oral is really enough to satisfy a life-long sex life in marriage, then you are fooling yourself. Maybe it's enough for you, but not for most. (My opinion, of course).

I do wish you luck in finding the common ground and open honesty between yourself and your husband to make everything perfect in the bedroom. Feel free to message me if you want some more in-depth understanding of hotwives.
 

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So your husband has a fantasy that you aren't willing to bring to reality.(understandably)

So your reaction to this is to attempt to deny him any and all outlets for this fantasy by threat of divorce.

That's not gonna turn out too well.

You are attempting to control his sexuality and that's going to end badly.
 

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Instead of shutting his fantasies out entirely, maybe find a way that you can support the fantasy without having to involve a third party.
Like being happy he's able to indulge the fantasy in porn instead of trying to convince his wife to have sex with other men ...maybe.
 
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I really just want to understand why he finds the scenario so arousing, because I do not. Anyone who has this desire, if you could please explain it to me, do. I just want to be sexually satisfied and I want the same for my husband, but it is hard to with hurt feelings and without understanding why he feels the way he does.

Wow. I see so many problems here, I hardly know where to start, but I'll start by trying to answer your question.

I suppose I have this same "hot wife" fetish (although I've never heard it called that). I would love to see my wife with another man (or woman). I'm afraid you may never really understand it, because even though I have this fetish myself, I don't really understand it. And the funny thing is, when I was much younger I used to be incredibly jealous. Back when we were dating (non-exclusively), my wife went on a very innocent blind date with another guy but I was still out of my mind with jealousy. But if that happened today I would be thrilled. I really have no idea why I changed over the years, but I'm certain that part of it is that I eventually became much less insecure and much more confident about her feelings for me. But for the act itself, I'm not sure. It may be a combination of humiliation, healthy primal competition, or raw sex/carefree nature of the situation, or a combination thereof. If someone can think of another reason, I'm all ears.

If I know other men are interested in my wife, it also gives me a LOT of motivation to keep going to the gym, so there is a practical value too. I'm not joking.

BUT - I would NEVER want the other guy to be a good friend or co-worker, or family member. That's where you both made a huge mistake, IMO. It's much better to do something like that with someone completely outside of your social circle, so you don't end up losing a good friend or worry about rumors spreading.


Finally though, being jealous of him watching porn is ridiculous. What if he felt it was cheating for you to read romance novels, or watch a movie with a famous actor you really liked? Wouldn't that seem a tad control freakish?
 

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My husband has a fantasy of seeing me with another woman. Is that going to happen? Um not in this lifetime. Lol

So he gets his fix by watching girl on girl porn occasionally. It's not personal it's just something he finds a turn on. Has nothing to do with me not being enough. It's me he wants to have sex with. Porn to me is like anything else it can be bad or good. All depends on the person watching. It has never been a problem in my 21 year marriage and I'm no longer threatened by it. It used to bother me so I do understand.
 

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My husband has a fantasy of seeing me with another woman. Is that going to happen? Um not in this lifetime. Lol

So he gets his fix by watching girl on girl porn occasionally. It's not personal it's just something he finds a turn on. Has nothing to do with me not being enough. It's me he wants to have sex with. Porn to me is like anything else it can be bad or good. All depends on the person watching. It has never been a problem in my 21 year marriage and I'm no longer threatened by it. It used to bother me so I do understand.
I think this also brings up a point that some things are best left to be fantasies.
 

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I agree and honestly he's only said it a few times. I'd be annoyed if he said it all the time because well it's not going to happen. Lol
Wow. If my wife had a fantasy to see me with another man there would be a real problem. ;)

Maybe this is not the same thing ... But why not? LOL.
 

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These videos you have made; are they of you and him having sex?

If he wants to watch you having pleasure without him being involved, what about masturbating with him watching, or making a video of you masturbating? Perhaps even going so far as inventing an imaginary lover so that as you pleasure yourself you are speaking someone else's name and not your husband's.
 

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I have the same fantasy.

You have every right to not fulfil his fantasy, but to police his fantasies and his masturbation habits is excessively controlling in my view. I would never presume to tell my wife what she is allowed to masturbate to, and I wouldn't take kindly to her doing the same to me.

Your husband is probably never going to get over this kink, so you can either leave him or find a way to accommodate him without compromising your principles.
 

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I would say that the husband in this relationship has a Dumb Ass complex. I couldn't resist saying that.

I hate to make value judgements, but I think there is something fundamentally wrong with the mind of anyone who desires to become a cuckold. OP, don't actively engage in this lifestyle. However, I would consider letting him have his porn fetish - so long as he can remain committed to you romantically and can still have a normal relationship with you. If his consumption of this kind of porn gives him his fix, then that should do. However, if his use of this porn only fuels his desire to be cuckolded, then he needs therapy.
 

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It's hot to see two women together. Two men? Um not so much.

Maybe to some women but not me.
Right. If my wife had ever said such a thing it would have ruined our marriage. I get that it is more socially acceptable to verbalize two women. But indeed my post was meant in jest.
 

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I would say that the husband in this relationship has a Dumb Ass complex. I couldn't resist saying that.

I hate to make value judgements, but I think there is something fundamentally wrong with the mind of anyone who desires to become a cuckold. OP, don't actively engage in this lifestyle. However, I would consider letting him have his porn fetish - so long as he can remain committed to you romantically and can still have a normal relationship with you. If his consumption of this kind of porn gives him his fix, then that should do. However, if his use of this porn only fuels his desire to be cuckolded, then he needs therapy.

I was under the impression that a cuckold fantasy was different from the hot wife fantasy, even though they both involve OM. I thought a cuckold was when a husband gives up, even temporarily, his power as husband and allows another man to take over, there is an element of humiliation involved. Whereas hot wife is almost the opposit. The husband's ego is being stroked because his wife is so hot. Like showing off your waaay cool toy and allowing a select few to play with it. This has elements of power and control that are given up in a cuckold situation.

Maybe I am missing something?

To the OP, we all have fantasies and they are not usually under our power to prevent that scenario from being arousingly erotic. His hot wife fetish, in itself, is not something to be worried about. I can't force myself to find some scenarios erotic, they just don't do it for me and work the opposite of being arousing.

You were very brave to give him his fantasy that one time. I'm sorry you are ashamed of it, because I think you should be proud of yourself for being open to exploring. You did it, didn't like it, don't want to do it again, end of story. He's said he is fine with your boundaries and respects your desire to not do it again. That's perfect! This is a good thing, not something to worry over.

He continues to explore his fantasy via porn. Personally, the only concern I would have with this would be desensitizing himself, by allowing himself to become obsessed with it, to real sex with his real got wife. If your sex life is otherwise unaffected, I don't see a reason to be concerned.

I think it's always a mistake to try to control a husbands choice of porn, unless it goes to incest/beatiality/extreme sadism. We really can't help what turns us on. Ive read that 70% of women have rape fantasies. That doesn't mean we want to be raped. But does kind of point to a scenario of wanting to be overpowered, giving up control, being ravished.

A man with hot wife fantasies could get fueled by role play in which he pretends to be the OM while you talk about how your husband is watching. You could make a new video from his watching vantage point, then edit it to cut to shots of him actually pretending to watch.

I guess what my LONG winded reply is essentiall saying is to encourage open loving communication so his fantasy can be realized occasionally with out crossing your boundaries.
 

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Humm... perhaps you should be a little more open minded here. There are many books and blogs on this topic. A strong marriage can get stronger from exploring these fantasies. Some women that embrace this can really bloom.
 

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I was under the impression that a cuckold fantasy was different from the hot wife fantasy, even though they both involve OM.
There is a difference here. My hubby loves me showing off and flirting with other guys and them taking an interest in me - not out of humilation but as a way of confirming to him that I am a 'hot wife' desired by others and so boosting his ego (because I am his). I've not gone as far as sex with another (quite!) but we have talked about and it is a shared fantasy - which we may enact some day.
 

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There is a difference here. My hubby loves me showing off and flirting with other guys and them taking an interest in me - not out of humilation but as a way of confirming to him that I am a 'hot wife' desired by others and so boosting his ego (because I am his). I've not gone as far as sex with another (quite!) but we have talked about and it is a shared fantasy - which we may enact some day.
Were in the same place you are, My husband has this same fantasy. We had a man over to massage me everywhere ;-) No sex as of yet.

I was very worried this would destroy our marriage, but it has made everything hotter.

The biggest thing is communication, no matter how odd a question or answer, it also helps that we have been together forever.
 
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