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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
WH had an PA turned EA while overseas on business in May.

I was so excited for him to go on the trip to places neither of us had been.

I stayed at home, worked and ran the house and 3 busy sons, and managed extra things (dentist, school dance etc) on top of their normally busy schedule of school, sport and music. I also fixed a leaking toilet. I was so looking forward to H coming home and a break. What I got was news of his affair, and massive trauma in the fallout :( PA turned EA, after massive ups and downs and dramas he has had NC with OW for nearly 5 weeks, as far as I know.

We are trying to R. Next week he is going overseas on a short trip for business, I will be going too. In relation to this I said to him today that it must suck to be untrustworthy. He said, thanks for that, its your choice though.

Tonight he is out at a work dinner at a fancy restaurant. I'm cranky about it, it reminds me of his trip Should I be insisting that he doesn't go to these type of things? Am I being stupid?

I'm still feeling shocked and shattered :(
 

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Of course you still feel shattered, it can take years, if ever for some, to recover from a spouse betraying us. Your H needs to understand this as well. I do know that with my H, I made a choice not to rub his face in the fact he had an affair. If I felt the need to say something, I would, but not in a 'you're such a loser' way.

Did your H meet a woman overseas, have a PA & then continue contact when he returned? It has only been a couple of weeks since NC from what you have said, you will still be feeling triggers for some time. Be warned, when something is mentioned about the country the OW comes from, you will probably trigger for years.

Regarding the work dinner, was it only for those who are employed by his company? I personally would not have insisted my H did not go, but I would have hoped he would reassure me before going that he would behave. Not that the word of a WS is always worth the air it it spoken into.

All the best with your situation, I hope you can work it out. Just be aware, it takes time & effort on the part of both parties.
 

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Sorry you are here, what you are experiencing is completely normal after a betrayal like this.

I think you need to open communications with your husband. Of course you worry about him being away; he has demonstrated to you, that he can't handle it, and cheats when he get's the chance... well sort of.

If you don't want to tie him up and will allow him to go out by himself, you need to tell him that you are worried/scared/freaked out or whatever feeling you have. Assuming he is not a psychopath, he will acknowledge it (also assuming some maturity) and you can work out some compromises that work for both of you.

He could assure you, call, text, get home early, invite you to come - whatever does the trick.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you.

He did suggest that I come and meet him after dinner, which I did, and met with his colleagues as well. He told me I looked beautiful and I am great with people. I didn't say anything, but I thought yeah well at least I don't go around seducing them. Urrgh...

Bella, yes he did meet her overseas, have a PA and continue contact when he got back. A couple of times he was going to leave me for her, he also confessed that during our 20yr marriage he has been with prostitutes 10-12 times. :(

We are trying to R, but it just hurts like hell, my self esteem has taken a real battering, and I don't know how I'm going to get over this.
 

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What WS do in terms of betrayal is extreme. What WS should do in terms of R should be even more extreme. Some WS, quit jobs, change jobs, quit addictions in an instant, all to save their marriage, love their spouse again, show them that they do, and remain transparent from there on out because they are indebted forever.

Its really tough, there needs to be consequences and he needs real consequences. If it has to be him taking another job where he isn't going over sees or meeting up with coworkers then that is what it takes.

Some WS cannot help themselves, they need to avoid the occassions and the people and friends that may lead them to be unfaithful. That is what you need.

In order to prep for R there needs to be remorse, repent, regret, begging for forgiveness, constantly saying I"m sorry, showing that they are sorry, and acting on schedule without extra curricular activities of ANY KIND unless it is with you and your family.
 

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Thank you.

He did suggest that I come and meet him after dinner, which I did, and met with his colleagues as well. He told me I looked beautiful and I am great with people. I didn't say anything, but I thought yeah well at least I don't go around seducing them. Urrgh...

Bella, yes he did meet her overseas, have a PA and continue contact when he got back. A couple of times he was going to leave me for her, he also confessed that during our 20yr marriage he has been with prostitutes 10-12 times. :(

We are trying to R, but it just hurts like hell, my self esteem has taken a real battering, and I don't know how I'm going to get over this.
You are not responsible for his decision to cheat. Remember to focus on yourself, don't be afraid of ignoring him and not being clingy, lovey dovey, talking to him, letting him touch you because what he did is requires a ridiculous amount of gall and hate because those are not actions of love. If you do this he will come to you, because he will notice you are different.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks CJS.

It's so hard. As I said elsewhere, I did not do everything right.

It really is about behaving in the opposite way to how you feel, right?

I think he is trying to do the right thing. He says he wants me to be happy, to make me happy, and is trying to do some nice things, dates etc. How can I be happy now though? It feels like there is too much cr*p in the background.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
A terrible night last night. What has happened to my life? I feel like I'm in some sort of terrible nightmare.

WH is so focussed on sex!! Are all men? I wouldn't really know.

We last had sex Tuesday morning before his work dinner, ( described above). Tuesday night it was late, we were both tired, something was said about doing it the next night, Wednesday, but I was tired and emotional about his A, and I went to bed while he was still doing stuff around the house.

Thursday morning he was a little grumpy, I thought, oh it's because he didn't get any last night, but he had an early start at work.

Last night I had a dinner to go to, he drove me there, and he asked me on the way if I like going to bed without him. I said I was used to it, he often stays up to work late. I was angry because I knew he would be cross about not having sex. He said you're not even willing to talk about it? At this point I got out of the car and went to the dinner. I got some cranky texts from him while there.

I got home from the dinner and shortly after he got home from sport. He said, why won't I talk about it. I have never been comfortable talking about sex. I said that I'm never going to be able to give him what he needs, he should have stayed with his nympho girlfriend and we should get divorced. I said he doesn't care about me, he just wants sex.

I walked out of the house, he followed and asked me not to leave. I went back with him, but he said I had to talk about it and I said stuff like I'm just another prostitute to you, and I can't remember what else.

He said he is worthless and he would leave, I said no don't leave, he said he was going to kill himself, he said I could sell the house and I would be ok. I told him no, no! I locked the doors do he could not get out. I wrapped myself around his leg so he couldn't go, he was trying to get me off. I wanted to get his keys off him and in the process ripped his track top, which made him very angry, he called me a fckn btch, and said I wreck all his clothes (which is not true), just when we are running out of money he said, and he went off about how I made him throw out the clothes he was wearing when he was with OW (when I thought it was a ONS).

He kept talking about suicide and I kept clinging to him, trying to get his keys, ripping his underware in the process. I got his keys off him, he kept trying to get me off him, he was hurting me, not excessively, and I wouldnt give up. He got out through the garage and I chased and caught him. He came back into the garage with me and closed the door, but then shoved me off him and ran out as the door was closing.

I was out of my mind! I phoned the police, told them my husband was suicidal andhad run off wearing ripped underware and a t shirt. I unlocked and when out the front door. He was sitting under the porch!

While waiting for the police he was very angry. He said I didn't have to phone them, and he was anxious about a work presentation in the morning.

The police came, about 6 of them and spoke to us in separate rooms. They wanted one of us to find somewhere else to stay, or to have a friend come over, but we don't have many options and didn't want to disturb anyone, so we separately agreed that we would calm down and be ok.

I am so traumatized. I said I was sorry to him, but have still been very upset. He told me I have apologized so I should calm down. He told me he does not want me to leave him. He wants me to be happy and wants to see me smile.

I'm bruised and miserable. Life just feels so unreal. :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
We are trying to R. Next week he is going overseas on a short trip for business, I will be going too. :(

We booked my flights for this trip, and accommodation and were supposed to be leaving tomorrow morning. But now, at the last minute, his trip has fallen through, maybe because of Hs company, but maybe because he leaves organization to the last minute.

I am so, so disappointed, and its really not helping. :( :(
 
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