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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well with the help from others on here I tried talking to my wife again about triggers and being able to talk to her without her getting defensive or mad. I basicily started off by telling her that I wanted to bring up something that had been bothering me lately. I told her that I know it is hard to talk about what you did, but when I have major triggers I need to talk about it. It had been about 6 months since the last time. Over 4 years since the affair.

Just a few days prior was when I originaly brought up the trigger it didn't go well. She ended up getting defensive and upset. I had been anxious ever since about bringing up the fact that I need to beable to talk to her so I can let go of my feelings.

So I finally did again tonight. I told her I wasn't upset and wasn't having any issues at the moment, but I need to know that I can talk to you to. And that I will not beat you up or attack you when I do. I just usually need some questions answered, even if they are some of the same old ones.

At first she was okay and saying I know I need to work on not getting defensive and mad. But then it got ugly real quik. She started bringing up things like you need to learn to let things go after so long, and that you go through this kind of thing every month, and dwell on things, and have major mood swings. That I need to go see someone for it, or get on antidepressents. She said that she chooses not to live in the past and that is what I need to do as well. Just all kinds of things that didn't help me at all, and made the whole thing even worse.

I told her I don't choose to do this and I hate it. It is the way I am though, and I can't change that. I have a bit of OCD and that makes it worse. But if I can talk about it will releave it completely at the time, I may have one or two more bouts before it is over. I think part of it could be considered PTSD.

She just doesn't understand and claims to think I bring it up just so she won't forget what she did or something else along those lines. I have pleaded with her time after time to at least come on hear or some where else and talk to people that are going through the same things. She refuses to do so. She thinks she can handle it on her own by not thinking about it, and putting it in the past. I highly doupt that really works but I may be wrong. If it did I would think she would beable to handle these conversations.

She finally agreed to talk to someone here or some where else. Wether she does or not I will soon know. I am really lost on what to do next. Any insite would be very helpful. I'm know you guys don't have the complete story and I will be more then glad to answer any questions.

Thanks!
 

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Can you find some things to do on your own to try to handle this. For example, write out what you are feeing either in a journal or in a computer file. I find that usually when I do that I no longer have a need to discuss the topic, whatever it is. Just getting it out of my head is all that is needed.

Or maybe getting an IC so you can talk about it with that person.

AT some point you do need to be able to not bring it up anymore. At some time it has to be in the past.
 

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Sad thing is that you may/could very well trigger and remember her adultery the rest of your life---and if she is truly into helping you thru your pain---then she cannot keep demanding it be put in the past, and ignored

It won't go away-----she has to realize she is the cause, and for R to be successful, she has to also face what she has wrought onto you, and she has to help you thru the pain, when and wherever it strikes

If she holds you, and talks to you, and works with you, these triggers may ease up, and come farther apart---but she MUST stop fighting you--------this is just keeping a wedge tween the two of you, and it is not helping ------also no medication that is not needed---you probably don't need antidep's-------you just need her to help you thru your grief-----hang in there, and do what is right FOR YOU
 

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To me it reads like your wife just wants you to get over it, or rug sweep. You seem like you are still struggling with her affair, and have major needs that are not being met. Reconciliation takes two willing participants and hard, dedicated work. The offer to reconcile is supposed to be something the wayward spouse cherishes and protects. I know this is just your version of events, but the b all was, and still is, firmly in your court. Your quality of life can be improved if your needs are addressed. You should not feel anxious about bringing up the affair, and your wife should certainly be open to discussing it without being mad or defensive.

You need to get into Individual Counseling, and you most definitely need to go to couples counseling with her. If she refuses, you should seriously consider your options in terms of divorcing and starting fresh with someone else.
 

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Well with the help from others on here I tried talking to my wife again about triggers and being able to talk to her without her getting defensive or mad. I basicily started off by telling her that I wanted to bring up something that had been bothering me lately. I told her that I know it is hard to talk about what you did, but when I have major triggers I need to talk about it. It had been about 6 months since the last time. Over 4 years since the affair.

Just a few days prior was when I originaly brought up the trigger it didn't go well. She ended up getting defensive and upset. I had been anxious ever since about bringing up the fact that I need to beable to talk to her so I can let go of my feelings.

So I finally did again tonight. I told her I wasn't upset and wasn't having any issues at the moment, but I need to know that I can talk to you to. And that I will not beat you up or attack you when I do. I just usually need some questions answered, even if they are some of the same old ones.

At first she was okay and saying I know I need to work on not getting defensive and mad. But then it got ugly real quik. She started bringing up things like you need to learn to let things go after so long, and that you go through this kind of thing every month, and dwell on things, and have major mood swings. That I need to go see someone for it, or get on antidepressents. She said that she chooses not to live in the past and that is what I need to do as well. Just all kinds of things that didn't help me at all, and made the whole thing even worse.

I told her I don't choose to do this and I hate it. It is the way I am though, and I can't change that. I have a bit of OCD and that makes it worse. But if I can talk about it will releave it completely at the time, I may have one or two more bouts before it is over. I think part of it could be considered PTSD.

She just doesn't understand and claims to think I bring it up just so she won't forget what she did or something else along those lines. I have pleaded with her time after time to at least come on hear or some where else and talk to people that are going through the same things. She refuses to do so. She thinks she can handle it on her own by not thinking about it, and putting it in the past. I highly doupt that really works but I may be wrong. If it did I would think she would beable to handle these conversations.

She finally agreed to talk to someone here or some where else. Wether she does or not I will soon know. I am really lost on what to do next. Any insite would be very helpful. I'm know you guys don't have the complete story and I will be more then glad to answer any questions.

Thanks!
To be frank this is what defines the incredible difficulties that are reconciliations, Well done on getting years down the line but tbh I'd be worried. The heavy lifting after infidelity is forever. FOREVER.

This is the 'new deal' when one embarks upon r. A new fresh relationship that will never be the same again for both parties. That will involve the betrayed being triggered and she had better get this into her head or there will be problems, serious ones imo.

Of course you don't want to be driving her nuts every day about what she did, but tbh she should never be in a position where she can wipe it all away and forget it. You can't. Why should she.

Every now and then you should be able to bring up anything about it and she should accommodate that or for me it illustrates there are issues about true remorse in some way

I've seen examples on here where 20 years later the betrayed still needs to get something of their chest for a few hours and as inexplicable as that may be to the ws who has never undergone such a thing they need to accept that or ....
 

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Brother,

To me, it sounds like your wife is trying to rug sweep. When she gets upset at you... I think she may be getting upset with herself a bit too. It was her actions that caused this. She caused the pain...

When you trigger she may not be able to understand why you just can't get over it, or it bothers her because she feels guilty for causing the pain or both...

Like Elle said a lot of it is just getting it out of your head. Sometimes I will go down to the river and read Robert Frost poems. Sometimes, most times I go to the gym. Conjuring the things that caused the triggers helps tremendously. Sometimes I talk to a friend.

I know that my EX still blames me for everything and has distorted the past. For my part, I don't care... My kids keep me well grounded.

I know you want to work on your marriage. Your triggers can cause a lot of stress and how you deal with them is important. You should try to find an outlet for your triggers... hit a heavy bag, gym etc... It will help you release. If you have talked about this with your wife and she can't understand why you can't get over it, it can cause more stress.

Talking to her is great. Communication is great. Make sure you forgive her. Do this for you, not her. When you forgive, you don't hold it over their heads, just realize it was a mistake and try to move on as best you can. Find an outlet for your pain and try to use that outlet as much as possible. I know it is easier said than done. I know it first hand:) Work on making yourself a better person and focus on what you can control, your actions and things will be ok.
 

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I've seen examples on here where 20 years later the betrayed still needs to get something of their chest for a few hours and as inexplicable as that may be to the ws who has never undergone such a thing they need to accept that or ....
......f*ck off.

Mine just did. He always f*cks off. He can't handle questioning of him and not being believed. Though he understands why and where it comes from. At least he says he does anyway. I was lied to for nearly 3 years (prob still am lied to) of a 3 and half year relationship! And he is pissed off with me! Yes, you did hear that right folks. He is pissed off with me because I question him and disbelieve him!
 

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There's a guy on this site, forgot who, and the affair was 10 years ago in his marriage. His wife pulls the same crap. Rug sweeping, getting defensive, not wanting to talk about it because it makes HER feel bad, etc.

His wife sounds selfish and self-centered kind of like your wife does. It's all about her. Guess what? He wants to move out and file for divorce. Over an affair that ended a decade ago because his wife couldn't address what she had done like a mature adult.

Because his wife couldn't think of anyone besides herself, didn't want to do anything but say "the past is the past. get over it", not think about her husbands feelings and what he's going through and only think about herself and he kept trying to convince himself to stay over a woman who IMO didn't sound worth it. Now he's at a point where he feels he just can't deal with it anymore.

Your wife telling you to "let it go" instead of addressing, accepting, and taking responsibility for the hurt SHE caused YOU is a serious problem.

Can I ask why you didn't leave her?? Especially if that's her attitude about the entire situation?? Because it doesn't sound like she respects you much.
 
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......f*ck off.

Mine just did. He always f*cks off. He can't handle questioning of him and not being believed. Though he understands why and where it comes from. At least he says he does anyway. I was lied to for nearly 3 years (prob still am lied to) of a 3 and half year relationship! And he is pissed off with me! Yes, you did hear that right folks. He is pissed off with me because I question him and disbelieve him!
He is pissed off because he got caught and you ruined everything that was perfect in his world.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
There's a guy on this site, forgot who, and the affair was 10 years ago in his marriage. His wife pulls the same crap. Rug sweeping, getting defensive, not wanting to talk about it because it makes HER feel bad, etc.

His wife sounds selfish and self-centered kind of like your wife does. It's all about her. Guess what? He wants to move out and file for divorce. Over an affair that ended a decade ago because his wife couldn't address what she had done like a mature adult.

Because his wife couldn't think of anyone besides herself, didn't want to do anything but say "the past is the past. get over it", not think about her husbands feelings and what he's going through and only think about herself and he kept trying to convince himself to stay over a woman who IMO didn't sound worth it. Now he's at a point where he feels he just can't deal with it anymore.

Your wife telling you to "let it go" instead of addressing, accepting, and taking responsibility for the hurt SHE caused YOU is a serious problem.

Can I ask why you didn't leave her?? Especially if that's her attitude about the entire situation?? Because it doesn't sound like she respects you much.
Don't get me wrong about her not admitting to her wrong doing etc. She has been completely remorseful, and has giving me every detail that I can think of. We both went to IC for several months and then joined in MC for at least a year, and returned a few times afterwards.

Like I said it has been a little over 4 years since D day and things are pretty good. It is just being able to talk to her when I trigger. I guess I'm that type of person that is acceptable to it. For example last week I found out that my Step brothers wife was caught having an affair with a 15 year old boy. She is a teacher and will never teach again. He was devistated and it just brought back those feeling to me for some reason. Maybe because it was someone close to me or what. I don't know. I then also stumbled across a picture of the OM, which I had never seen what he had looked like up until now. My wife swears I had but I never did. She refused to let me see anything at the time with his picture on it, thinking it would only make things worse. So I guess in a way that may of been kind of an unanswered question to me. There again I don't know.

All I know is that I need to beable to talk to her when these things happen. I have tried writing things down on paper, and coming on here helps some. But the most relief I get is by talkng to her. I have figured that part out by now.

Since the blow up last night she gave me a note this morning saying how sorry she is and in her words "I hate, hate, hate, myself for hurting you". That sounds like to me like someone that hasn't forgiven herself yet for what she did. And then she tells me how can she forgive herself when I keep bringing things back up. That is why I believe it would do her good to talk to people on hear or another place if she wants. Someone that can relate to her.

But I doupt that she will even though I asked her last night after things calmed down to promise to talk to someone, and she ageed to do so. If I ask her about she will probaly get defensive again, and things will probaly turn into a arguement again. So what do I do?
 

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Don't get me wrong about her not admitting to her wrong doing etc. She has been completely remorseful, and has giving me every detail that I can think of. We both went to IC for several months and then joined in MC for at least a year, and returned a few times afterwards.

Like I said it has been a little over 4 years since D day and things are pretty good. It is just being able to talk to her when I trigger. I guess I'm that type of person that is acceptable to it. For example last week I found out that my Step brothers wife was caught having an affair with a 15 year old boy. She is a teacher and will never teach again. He was devistated and it just brought back those feeling to me for some reason. Maybe because it was someone close to me or what. I don't know. I then also stumbled across a picture of the OM, which I had never seen what he had looked like up until now. My wife swears I had but I never did. She refused to let me see anything at the time with his picture on it, thinking it would only make things worse. So I guess in a way that may of been kind of an unanswered question to me. There again I don't know.

All I know is that I need to beable to talk to her when these things happen. I have tried writing things down on paper, and coming on here helps some. But the most relief I get is by talkng to her. I have figured that part out by now.

Since the blow up last night she gave me a note this morning saying how sorry she is and in her words "I hate, hate, hate, myself for hurting you". That sounds like to me like someone that hasn't forgiven herself yet for what she did. And then she tells me how can she forgive herself when I keep bringing things back up. That is why I believe it would do her good to talk to people on hear or another place if she wants. Someone that can relate to her.

But I doupt that she will even though I asked her last night after things calmed down to promise to talk to someone, and she ageed to do so. If I ask her about she will probaly get defensive again, and things will probaly turn into a arguement again. So what do I do?
Forgiving oneself is okay when you have done something wrong, know it, hurt someone and don't have anything to do with them anymore .
That is it's own way forward. In a sense one is 'free' to move on and although remind oneself one is not perfect and to not transgress again.

Here the the crux is that you are still living with this person and have a life with them and so one is not 'free' to 'forget' maybe forgive oneself so easily especially like your wife now when the person you have hurt so badly is a walking daily reminder of just how capable of doing bad things you are.

I think trying forgive oneself is maybe the wrong approach. Its almost impossible given the circumstances.
Maybe to try to live with the fact, accept, that you are actually capable of bad things, bad intentions and hurting the person closest to you is a less demanding exercise.

Maybe now is one of those waves every other year or so of taking stock for her "am I really going to have to answer for that for ever"? I think the reality is yes you are.. This will happen every so often. Obviously you have to consider this too. You can't beat her up forever and a day but she does need to understand that it will never ever be forgotten should you both live to a hundred each

It's the price
 

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You're biggest problem right now, as I see it, is that you don't have a remorseful and repentant wife on your hands right now. You have a rug sweeper.

Wild horses couldn't stop a truly remorseful WW help her BH heal, no matter how long it takes...even if it's a lifetime.

She has no clue what she's done to you and your marriage, and frankly, I don't think she cares. All she cares about is "forgiving herself". It's still all about her and her self forgiveness.

She can only earn that forgiveness to herself when she can be satisfied she has done everything in her power to help you heal from the immense pain SHE inflicted on YOU.

It's still all about her. Until she gets it, really comprehends the depth of her betrayal and the consequences associated with it, you're fighting a losing battle.

If I were you, I would be planning an exit strategy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Didn't she have a Dday of her own? How's that going?
It doesn't seem to really bother her that much. I have asked her why and she says she just doesn't like to think about it. She says the way I emotionally neglected her in the past bothers her more then the Dancer thing does. She says she is just mainly discusted with it.

She does think that if I would of came to her and told her about it first it would maybe stopped what she did. That we would of known we had problems and would of got help then.
 

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Take a lesson from her. She's gotten past your PA (physical intimacy with a hooker - that ocurred before she had an Ea/PA right?)

It's been four yrs AND she told you everything you wanted to know chapter-and-verse. She answered you questions repeatedly. She too has a right to boohoo but she chooses to plow forward. As far as I'm concerned neither of you has the moral high ground.

Unless you want to compare who's misbehavior is more disrespectful you should give her a hug and tell her you both have things to forgive and get past.
You say it's not a constant issue but you'd like to talk about it from time to time.

Under the circumstances I think you'd better let sleeping dogs lie. What are you going to do 5yrs from now when she suddenly starts questioning you every other week about your ONS?
 

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Take a lesson from her. She's gotten past your PA (physical intimacy with a hooker - that ocurred before she had an Ea/PA right?)
This puts this:
She started bringing up things like you need to learn to let things go after so long, and that you go through this kind of thing every month, and dwell on things, and have major mood swings. That I need to go see someone for it, or get on antidepressents. She said that she chooses not to live in the past and that is what I need to do as well. Just all kinds of things that didn't help me at all, and made the whole thing even worse.
In an entirely different perspective. Now, I understand why she is basically telling you to HT*U!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Take a lesson from her. She's gotten past your PA (physical intimacy with a hooker - that ocurred before she had an Ea/PA right?)

It's been four yrs AND she told you everything you wanted to know chapter-and-verse. She answered you questions repeatedly. She too has a right to boohoo but she chooses to plow forward. As far as I'm concerned neither of you has the moral high ground.

Unless you want to compare who's misbehavior is more disrespectful you should give her a hug and tell her you both have things to forgive and get past.
You say it's not a constant issue but you'd like to talk about it from time to time.

Under the circumstances I think you'd better let sleeping dogs lie. What are you going to do 5yrs from now when she suddenly starts questioning you every other week about your ONS?
Your right they are both cheating, and they both were disrespectful. The difference is she worked with someone and had an 3 month affair with them. I met someone for a 10 min HJ. Which one is going to cause the most grief, questions that need answered, etc. Like I said I allready suffer from OCD from time to time. I usally manage it, but it gets me sometimes. When it does all I am asking is to be able to talk with out it turning into a big fight, and blame game.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
This puts this:
In an entirely different perspective. Now, I ,understand why she is basically telling you to HT*U!
You have very little to no knowledge of our relationship to come to that conclusion. I admitted to the HJ after I found out about her PA. There is a lot more that has went on in our past that I choose not to go into detail about.
 
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