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@pjp I've been there... prepare yourself for a once a month duty sex session... better than nothing...:laugh:
Been there! Bit I couldn't get at the time, is that she totally enjoyed the physical contact, the massages, kissing, discussion, foreplay, arousal and petting etc, came several times before, during and occasionally after, chat and cool down (I'm not a roll over and sleep guy) - but would she every initiate? no. would she ever make time for us to enough it and have her fuss over me? NO.

She said she just considered it was something she was expected to do as a good wife and yes it was great, no she never faked*. She just really couldn't bothered most of the time, and I never seemed properly thankful for her efforts (ie during the rest of the week, I just kept bugging her for more). There were no kids in relationship, that happened right at the end when we went on holiday, so I was given "bonus sex" a couple of nights that week while we were away.

I pointed out it was an intimacy thing and really importantly to relationships and me (very high and wide sex drive - that she loved when we originally dated). She said yes she knows that, which is why she usually agreed to "it" once a month if she felt in the mood "for it", and I was "getting an unthankful attitude again" and she had been a good wife and done the sex for the marriage, but was pretty much over it all and wanted to move on. ...

"Intimacy" and "sex" had just been things she did, like washing or picking up milk. And when she wasn't "buying in"/investing into "a marriage" then the transaction side came out - what was *I* paying her, for sex. It was then I realised while I was emotional inside a "man-team" where everyone is in and shoulder to shoulder helping each other out with fraternal bonds; for many women a relationship is just another transaction, a social contract, if she does X then she is entitled to Y, and that the contract required certain trades (in her mind, sex for house - not for fidelity that was presumed**), and was only valid for as long as she wanted it/was benefiting from it.

** nothing says entitled like listening to a woman complaining about her husband having an possible affair, to her fu..toy.


*this is well after the divorce, and also feedback overheard via her friends, so consider it mostly true
 

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All the comments on here are either right or exactly right,
I have got to man up and take control of what I do not seek a better alternative that probably won't last past a week,
If I withdrew my finances she would hit go bananas, but what is the difference between that and her deciding sex is off limits.
I really wished she would change because I really do love her but I have lost count how many times I have tried to sort this out with no avail.
NO. You cannot change other people.
You are moving to a fantasy in your head and pretending that is your marriage , just so you don't have to face the problem.

Taking care of your own finances is an absolute must at this stage - get over the fact you are not in a partnership. You are in a parasitic relationship, where one person gets what they wants and the other has to pretend.

Doesn't matter what side of the fence you're on - the wanting sex, or the constantly pestered for sex, you cannot thrive in a relationship by pretending it might get better, if only things will get better, or that it's just "your contribution". Things don't get better without everyone wanting to work on it - live, marriage, charity organisations, companies; things continue on the same path until the wheels absolutely have to fall off. Don't waste your life waiting and pretended and talking bull to yourself. If she wanted to change for really, she'd grab your hand a lead in the same direction. HER marriage doesn't have issues, she gets what she wants - yours is screwed.
 

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Some people are like this and they should be together instead of with people who diametrically disagree.
It was a real surprise that my wife did that to me. I thought she would understand, since our "beliefs" were very much aligned. But she didn't. She did understand I wanted to leave because it was important to me, but she still maintained her view, that I only cared about sex.
 

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HER marriage doesn't have issues, she gets what she wants - yours is screwed.
well, yes, exactly. My wife feels entitled to everything from me. Because we've been married for such a long time, we brought up the kids together, we grew up together. So, I shouldn't be mean to her, I should support her emotionally and financially and forget about sex. Sex is not important and I should be reasonable and kind enough to understand all this without making a fuss. She is entitled to all she's got - as the mother of my children - and I should just get on with it. It's life. Leaving her for sex? I'm just a pathetic man who is prepared to throw everything away for such a trivial reason. No respect for me.
 

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I'm willing to bet that your MIL didn't do much for your FIL sexually either, or some other sort of sexual shaming was prevalent.
My FIL and my MIL had major sexual problems, you are correct. I can see where all of this is coming from with my wife, but I don't understand how she doesn't see or she doesn't want to do anything to correct it......
 

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Yep I am in a similar situation. My wife and I got married in 2002 and after we had kids the sex stopped dead. Since that time there have been periods of several years when we had sex not even a single time. We have talked about it over the years and occasionally she would attempt to engage me in sex for a period of time (and with very little enthusiasm if any at all) but would always fall back into the abyss or vacuum of space as far as intimacy is concerned (nothingness). I stayed in the marriage because of the children and because of divorce would be financially devastating to my family. It has been a horrible existence. At night when asleep, I would have nightmares about my desperation for intimacy and passion with almost any woman. The frequency of these nightmares increased as years went by to the point I have been having them every night. I described my marriage intimacy wise to my sister as "my wife is like being married to a pile of lumber". Now my kids are 13 and 14. But will still destroy our ability to maintain our lifestyle for our children especially in as an expensive place as NYC Metro to live. Unfortunately, even if I divorce my wife and meet someone else is going to be spiritually difficult because having been married for so long in a zero intimacy relationship has discouraged me a lot. I see other women and I wonder what it might be like with another woman but feel very burned out after a near 20 year run with no intimacy.
 

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My FIL and my MIL had major sexual problems, you are correct. I can see where all of this is coming from with my wife, but I don't understand how she doesn't see or she doesn't want to do anything to correct it......
It's not her problem - how much do you care about older your neighbours love life?

That's the hard part I think in all this, after doing the 180, and eventually moving on. You realise you were in an intimate emotional marriage with someone you love, and that you built your world around her - and she was in a marriage that was supposed to provide her with what she wanted in her life; kids, fun, husband(tm)*, holidays, security; chances are she has also built her world around her and the kids, and when the kids can look after themselves, about her. YOU ARE NOT PART OF "INSIDE" HER MARRIAGE. You are/were a provider of services and companion, like the preacher/celebrant, or an usher. You did build dreams together, which amused her, but she moved on, and you never got sent the memo.


* not like as "husband" the person, "Husband(tm)" the attachment to show your friends; has Ken's car, ken's Jacket etc.
 

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Hi all, I had a very serious talk with my wife last night and for the first time she thought I was deadly serious, I did have a very different attitude to how I was this time as well.
To cut a very long story short I told her we were over as I would rather be on my own than the present situation and that I had already rented an apartment to live in with enough bedrooms for my daughters to stay with me half the week,
Reality hit as she cried most of the night and she NEVER cries when we argue,
She said she would change and if needs be see a MC or doctor or anyone as she did love me so much,
She says she got herself in a major rut and couldn't see a way out of it as she is so stubborn,
She is now saying she will do anything to get back to anything like we were years ago before we had children and even see a sex therapist as she loved the way we were and loved the intimacy we had,
I know a lot on here will say she is bluffing but she acted very different to our usual discussions, and this morning I have told her I will be contacting a MC this morning and she is fine with that,
We had some great sex last night and she either acted very well or she really enjoyed it, and she is not like she normally is this morning either she is being very nice, even the kids have asked if she is OK,
It's all a bit surreal at the mo and I am certainly not taking it for granted that everything is going to be OK but as she is willing to go to a MC then I've got to give it a chance as if we can remotely get back to how we were before children it would be fantastic,
Sounds a good step, it might not last - so be strong, and get both of your houses in order (you don't want to be blindsided if she decides it's to much work and not enough fun), see that household stress levels drop, be attentive, set up routine "date night" each week. If she's really trying to chance, show you appreciate it (but keep caution).
 

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It's not her problem - how much do you care about older your neighbours love life?

That's the hard part I think in all this, after doing the 180, and eventually moving on. You realise you were in an intimate emotional marriage with someone you love, and that you built your world around her - and she was in a marriage that was supposed to provide her with what she wanted in her life; kids, fun, husband(tm)*, holidays, security; chances are she has also built her world around her and the kids, and when the kids can look after themselves, about her. YOU ARE NOT PART OF "INSIDE" HER MARRIAGE. You are/were a provider of services and companion, like the preacher/celebrant, or an usher. You did build dreams together, which amused her, but she moved on, and you never got sent the memo.


* not like as "husband" the person, "Husband(tm)" the attachment to show your friends; has Ken's car, ken's Jacket etc.

I think you are being a tad too cynical here. Some women will do that and the marriage will turn into a transaction. But a marriage can fail for many other reasons.
 

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lot. I see other women and I wonder what it might be like with another woman but feel very burned out after a near 20 year run with no intimacy.
I agree, and it taints our view of women as well, which is not aided by many older women being either crass, alcoholic, or completely uninterested in sex play
 

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Like what? Couples can manage money any way they want, for the most part.


Sexual abuse in a marriage and financial abuse in a marriage are both forms of abuse.

They need to find the root of the issue and fix it, not toy with each other and play games that will cause resentment and further damage.


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Yep I am in a similar situation. My wife and I got married in 2002 and after we had kids the sex stopped dead. Since that time there have been periods of several years when we had sex not even a single time. We have talked about it over the years and occasionally she would attempt to engage me in sex for a period of time (and with very little enthusiasm if any at all) but would always fall back into the abyss or vacuum of space as far as intimacy is concerned (nothingness). I stayed in the marriage because of the children and because of divorce would be financially devastating to my family. It has been a horrible existence. At night when asleep, I would have nightmares about my desperation for intimacy and passion with almost any woman. The frequency of these nightmares increased as years went by to the point I have been having them every night. I described my marriage intimacy wise to my sister as "my wife is like being married to a pile of lumber". Now my kids are 13 and 14. But will still destroy our ability to maintain our lifestyle for our children especially in as an expensive place as NYC Metro to live. Unfortunately, even if I divorce my wife and meet someone else is going to be spiritually difficult because having been married for so long in a zero intimacy relationship has discouraged me a lot. I see other women and I wonder what it might be like with another woman but feel very burned out after a near 20 year run with no intimacy.
I'm sorry to hear this. No one should have to live like this. You may want to start your own thread under a new title to get advice/support specifically addressed to your situation.
 

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Not having sex isn't sexual abuse. If it is any sort of abuse, it is emotional. Sexual abuse is actively abusing someone sexually.

Edit to add: Sexual abuse isn't passive, as in not having sex. It is actively doing something sexual to someone that they do not want done to them. Molestation and rape are examples of sexual abuse.
 

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Pip:

You sure talk a lot. This includes your threats to leave her if she doesn't up her sexual game.

But what have you actually done?

Well, you have told several people in this thread that they are right...followed by you choosing to not do what they suggested.

Then you follow it up with navel gazing about how you wish she would change.

In other words, more...you guessed it...more TALKING.

So really...what have you actually DONE?

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I have tried weekend's or midweek holidays in posh hotels,
Tried flowers of all kinds
I always compliment her on how she looks
I am always telling her how that I love her

She will also talk to friends and say all sorts of sexual innuendos and joke about a sex life when I can hear her and still nothing!
Maybe she has a sex life that you are not part of.
 
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