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Travel is an issue....

90K views 536 replies 76 participants last post by  hambiggers 
#1 ·
I am new to this forum so hopefully I can get some good/sound advice. I was recently married two months ago. This is my third and her second marrige. We are both in our mid-forties.

During the time when she was married (9 years ago) her X traveled for work. He eventually met another woman while traveling and cheated on my wife for 2 years without her knowledge. Needless to say it ended in divorce.

So my wife has a bitter taste in her mouth regarding any type of travel. I get this...

I am in a profession (automotive) where “sometimes” I may have to travel. Before I took my current job I turned down several offers of employment because of travel requirements as to not upset my wife. This job almost has none. During my interview process it was told to me that there would be minimal travel if none at all and I told my wife this.

I have been employed here for only 4 months and have traveled overnight once and had 3 day trips (mostly to meet new customers for the first time) where I left at 7AM and was back by 5PM the same day. My wife has expressed her feelings regarding me having to travel. I understand her feelings. She told me before we got married that if I liked to travel she didn’t want any part of it. The fact is I do not like to travel.

So last week I was told by my director at work that I needed to fly to Chicago for a meeting. I left yesterday at 7:15AM and was home by 5PM. He wanted me to spend the night there but I told him I had a prior commitment (I lied). My wife was very angry. I even changed my flight to an earlier flight home as to be home sooner and she said she didn’t care.

Last night she went nuts on me telling me that I lied to her about the travel for this company and that, again, if I like to travel then I need to reconsider our marriage..??!!?? I left the argument and went upstairs to bed. Not a good night at all.

I feel like I am being pulled in 2 different directions. I have a good job trying to support our family yet she has issues if I have to travel every couple months. In a previous job, before I knew my wife, I travelled every week. Now this would have obviously been an issue if we knew each other at the time. Traveling to another location within a work days’ time to me should not be a huge ordeal.

She now wants me to go to my Human Resource department and tell them that I am not going to travel anymore. This to me is job suicide. I feel like I am being controlled way too much.

Any thoughts???
 
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#3 · (Edited)
Last night she went nuts on me telling me that I lied to her about the travel for this company and that, again, if I like to travel then I need to reconsider our marriage..??!!?? I left the argument and went upstairs to bed. Not a good night at all.
You married a controlling and insecure woman. It probably will not get better.

Tell her that it's part of your job. Either she accepts it or she doesn't but there is no need to berate you in the process.

This isn't a good way to start a marriage.

How long did you date her before getting married?



 
#4 ·
We dated for three years. Just last week we were talking about my schooling. I was 1/2 way complete with my Master’s degree. She asked me if I wanted to go back to school. I told her no..I said that I was comfortable with my current career. I told her with a Master’s degree comes more responsibility and possible travel. She was soooo happy when I told her I was not going to go back to school...
 
#8 ·
Your kidding right? Going to HR and possibly getting you fired over her own insecurities? That's a bit controlling.

I had a very bad first marriage. My ex h cheated on me with several other women. That does not mean my current husband is going to cheat. I'm sure I was insecure at first, but not like your wife is. I'd never hurt my husbands career no matter how insecure I may be. He worked dang hard to get where he's at now. I trust my husband 100% also. Plus, it's not that easy anymore to look for employment elsewhere.

I'd be putting your foot down and tell her that she needs to get use to your job duties, even if it includes traveling.
 
#9 ·
She was never upset when we were dating...in fact it was nice know how much she missed me..coming to airport etc...yesterday she ignored me when I got home. In fact yesterday I actually changed my flight from an original arrival time of 6PM to 4PM. I did 90mph on I-94 to get to airport for earlier flight....
 
#12 ·
She was never upset when we were dating...in fact it was nice know how much she missed me..coming to airport etc...yesterday she ignored me when I got home.
Eww.

You need to have a serious talk with this lady before it gets worse.

"Wife, when you do X (Yell at me, ignore me, tell me to go to HR, tell me I can't travel)... it makes me feel controlled/not trusted, unloved, direspected etc. Traveling is a part of my job duties. I need to do it if I want to keep my job. I appreciate you eing concerned and I know your past has made you feel less trustful but we are married and we need to trust eachother and etc."

Your marriage is new. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse or festers,...



 
#10 ·
I'mInLoveWithMyHubby.....I agree that I feel like I am being controlled. She said something to me last week after a few beers that really scared me..she said she didn’t like me to travel because she “knows” what goes on. You get a few drinks in you and before you know it you make a mistake…then she really floored me..she said that the same would go for her. She said you know how I am when I have a few drinks (Very Flirty)…you never know what could happen...almost sounded like a threat to me:/
 
#16 ·
Well you got a clear picture of what your life will be like if you don't put a stop to this right now.

You have to travel for work and she needs to deal with it THE SAME WAY SHE DID WHEN YOU WERE DATING. Let her know you're onto her game and it's not going to work. She's welcome to do what she wishes with your attitude on the matter, but you aren't changing a thing.

Also, don't put anyone elses life in danger trying to make a flight to please her. Every time you cave, you're validating her tantrums. It's good to understand why she may be insecure, but you aren't her ex. If she had hang ups this bad she should have gotten some help for it before getting into ANY relationships.
 
#13 ·
Jelly---I understand...she just called me and told me that if this travel continues she will "have to do what she needs to do"...are you kidding me??

Last night we were planning an "adult" night after dinner and drinks..then when she brought up my travel she got very hostile..im not a confrontational guy.
I speak my mind with facts and when I get yelled at I clam up and walk away…she does not like that at all…just now she said “all I did was ask you why again you had to travel and you blew up and went upstairs”. This is so not true…she blew up at me and I was not going to have any part of it because I know the wars I can win and those I cannot..so I left the room…
 
#20 ·
Jelly---I understand...she just called me and told me that if this travel continues she will "have to do what she needs to do"...are you kidding me??
Call her bluff. Tell her that a marriage can't survive on ultimatums.

Know what I mean?

You have absolutely got to make it clear to her what your boundaries are cause this lady doesn't respect you.



 
#15 ·
My hubby cheated on me, and maybe once a year he has to go away overnight for work, for 3 or 4 days.

What does your wife do? Any chance you could take her with you on some of these trips? That's what I like to do - go with my hubby. When I can't, he leaves me notes, calls and texts me a lot, emails me his itinerary, stuff like that to let me know he's thinking of me and knows I am anxious.

I would never act like your wife is. Never. She has issues and needs to smarten up. Maybe she should see an IC who specializes in dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. Do you know what she did to heal from her first husbands betrayal?
 
#17 ·
Now that I think about it she really has not healed from her X’s betrayal. She mentions it all the time to me and other family members. It was horrible. He moved from the Midwest out to CA to marry this “other” woman and they have no contact. They had 3 children together and to this day never talk.
I don’t think she is over her hurt and is taking it out on me…..
 
#21 ·
I can totally relate to your wife's feelings of betrayal from her Ex. My ex was unfaithful as well. I've been with my 2nd husband for 19+ years, most of which he's traveled for work; right now he's gone 3 weeks; then home for 3 wks.

I do have bouts of insecurity when certain things trigger BAD memories. When those feelings hit it's like your heart being ripped out of your chest all over again. It is NO picnic! My husband is fully aware of what's going on and has been a GOD send in helping me work through them. I personally have not attended IC, but neither have I demanded my Husband to quit his job. He's offered to do so, but as much as he loves/enjoys what he does (except being away from home), I'm not willing to ask him to give that up; not only would we have the insecurity issue, but resentment would be added to the mix as well.

I would highly recommend your wife attend IC to deal with the loss she experienced in her 1st marriage; and I would recommend MC for both of you. In the meantime, do what you can to stand your ground particularly if you love what you do for a living.

As far as ultimatums: if she's not willing to attend counseling to work on healing, then tell her to get a job that makes enough money to support you and your family and you'll be glad to be a SAHD/H.
 
#23 ·
Marriage counseling is a good idea. She can't keep you locked in your home because of fear and you are accommodating her as much as possible. As long as you're home each night, she ought to feel done trust. Counseling may help her and you to build trust that isn't suffocating.
 
#27 ·
Vent, write it down, that helps in itself.
 
#28 ·
Where to I begin…
It started Saturday afternoon at 4PM. I received a text from my cousin’s 24 year old girlfriend asking me what my wife and I were doing this weekend. I told my wife about it and she got very angry. She was angry because my cousins’ girlfriend (who I have NO interest in) contacted me about our weekend plans. This anger lasted an hour or so. I said what are you talking about? It’s my cousins GF for God’s sake who is only 24! She said “I don’t like it”.

Then we had to leave for my brother-in-laws birthday party at 6:30. Upon arrival the beer was flowing. We left the party with no incidents around 11:30PM. She was pretty drunk.
On the way home she again asked me why my cousins GF number was in my phone. I told her with the new iPhone software (I just downloaded last week) if the other person also has a smart phone and Facebook, their data comes up when they call you such as photo and e-mail address. She did not understand and continues to harp on me until we got home. I will admit when I do something wrong. I called her “stupid”.

She then took my cell out of my have and started going through all of my messages. Mind you there is nothing in there of any importance. I asked for my cell back and she said “Go Block…cousins GF….from your Facebook”..OMG we are 44 years old here…
So (I guess “stupid” me) goes to my PC, with her drunk butt next to me, and I block my cousins GF.

Now I want away from my wife as the tension is escalating. It’s not about 12:45AM. I try to leave and she grabs me. I say let go and she won’t. I push her away and she comes back…I finally break free and I head across the street in my truck to the local bar and only sit in parking lot to calm down. I do not go in bar.

I make a couple of calls to friends to try to relax.

After 20 minutes (now about 1:15AM) I drive back home and find her gone…car in driveway, but gone. I proceed to call her girlfriends when I don’t see her. No one knows where she is at. It’s now 2:10 AM and I go back to bar parking lot and I see owner. I ask him if my wife was up here and he says..yes….

So now I am VERY upset. I’m upset at the fact that my wife left the house drunk and went to a bar. She flirts and is very “Friendly” when she drinks.

So now it’s 2:30 AM and I’m back in my driveway at home. I go upstairs and she still is not home..NOW I’m very angry…

I call her girlfriend again and ask once more have you heard from her…Nope!

So I proceed to talk to her GF about all the wrong reasons I married her. Maybe not a good idea but oh well.
It’s now 3AM and I see our dog out front roaming (normally cant go outside of fence). I put him inside and go upstairs to find my bedroom door locked. Again..nice..so now I know she is home..I had an extra key so I go in bedroom and she’s passed out.

Sunday – We did not talk or see each other. She did her thing with her kids and I did mine.

Monday…she acted as nothing happened…I was cold to her and very angry for her going to the bar….

Tuesday (Today)….We both were very quiet to each other this morning. On the way to work I texted her..”Why did you go to the bar Saturday night”? She texted back “when you are ready to talk let me know”. I am DONE talking about this as it’s not the first time. So I lied to her. I texted her that “I was up at bar in the back and observed her behavior and told her if that was me you would have yanked my butt off the bar stool and dragged me home by my ear.” Again she relied with the same text.

HELP
 
#33 ·
May be opening the proverbial 'can of worms' here but I, too, would question why anyone's wife would be contacting my H for our weekend plans instead of me. Just how I am.

That being said, you mention being 44; is your wife around that same age? Is it possible she may be in perimenopause/menopause? Not trying to make excuses here, but I'm around that same age and am showing signs of beginning stages. The one symptom that is the biggest challenge for us (H & I) is the emotional roller coaster I seem to be on. Something that didn't bother me yesterday, can send me over the edge today. Leaving my H to wonder 'WTH is going on?" The biggest indicator in your case would be if whether or not this weekend's behavior was normal for your W. If not you might try reading this book (link below). It's specifically written to give men an understanding of what to expect as their wives to through that stage of life.
 
#35 ·
I must agree and clarify a detail regarding the text from my cousins GF. When she texted me my W said tell her to call me...not you. So I did. Cousins GF texted back I tried to
But do not have her number. Later in the day I learned that cousins GF then called my W but no reply.

I have also wondered about the change in life thing.
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