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Discussion Starter #1
I am new to this forum so hopefully I can get some good/sound advice. I was recently married two months ago. This is my third and her second marrige. We are both in our mid-forties.

During the time when she was married (9 years ago) her X traveled for work. He eventually met another woman while traveling and cheated on my wife for 2 years without her knowledge. Needless to say it ended in divorce.

So my wife has a bitter taste in her mouth regarding any type of travel. I get this...

I am in a profession (automotive) where “sometimes” I may have to travel. Before I took my current job I turned down several offers of employment because of travel requirements as to not upset my wife. This job almost has none. During my interview process it was told to me that there would be minimal travel if none at all and I told my wife this.

I have been employed here for only 4 months and have traveled overnight once and had 3 day trips (mostly to meet new customers for the first time) where I left at 7AM and was back by 5PM the same day. My wife has expressed her feelings regarding me having to travel. I understand her feelings. She told me before we got married that if I liked to travel she didn’t want any part of it. The fact is I do not like to travel.

So last week I was told by my director at work that I needed to fly to Chicago for a meeting. I left yesterday at 7:15AM and was home by 5PM. He wanted me to spend the night there but I told him I had a prior commitment (I lied). My wife was very angry. I even changed my flight to an earlier flight home as to be home sooner and she said she didn’t care.

Last night she went nuts on me telling me that I lied to her about the travel for this company and that, again, if I like to travel then I need to reconsider our marriage..??!!?? I left the argument and went upstairs to bed. Not a good night at all.

I feel like I am being pulled in 2 different directions. I have a good job trying to support our family yet she has issues if I have to travel every couple months. In a previous job, before I knew my wife, I travelled every week. Now this would have obviously been an issue if we knew each other at the time. Traveling to another location within a work days’ time to me should not be a huge ordeal.

She now wants me to go to my Human Resource department and tell them that I am not going to travel anymore. This to me is job suicide. I feel like I am being controlled way too much.

Any thoughts???
 

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That's a tough one. It is good that you understand the source of her insecurity.

Have you tried MC? It could help here I think.

In the end either she needs to find a way to trust you when you travel, or you need to not travel. Not traveling will limit your career options. MC can help with that 1st one.
 

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Last night she went nuts on me telling me that I lied to her about the travel for this company and that, again, if I like to travel then I need to reconsider our marriage..??!!?? I left the argument and went upstairs to bed. Not a good night at all.
You married a controlling and insecure woman. It probably will not get better.

Tell her that it's part of your job. Either she accepts it or she doesn't but there is no need to berate you in the process.

This isn't a good way to start a marriage.

How long did you date her before getting married?



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Discussion Starter #4
We dated for three years. Just last week we were talking about my schooling. I was 1/2 way complete with my Master’s degree. She asked me if I wanted to go back to school. I told her no..I said that I was comfortable with my current career. I told her with a Master’s degree comes more responsibility and possible travel. She was soooo happy when I told her I was not going to go back to school...
 

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Your kidding right? Going to HR and possibly getting you fired over her own insecurities? That's a bit controlling.

I had a very bad first marriage. My ex h cheated on me with several other women. That does not mean my current husband is going to cheat. I'm sure I was insecure at first, but not like your wife is. I'd never hurt my husbands career no matter how insecure I may be. He worked dang hard to get where he's at now. I trust my husband 100% also. Plus, it's not that easy anymore to look for employment elsewhere.

I'd be putting your foot down and tell her that she needs to get use to your job duties, even if it includes traveling.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
She was never upset when we were dating...in fact it was nice know how much she missed me..coming to airport etc...yesterday she ignored me when I got home. In fact yesterday I actually changed my flight from an original arrival time of 6PM to 4PM. I did 90mph on I-94 to get to airport for earlier flight....
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I'mInLoveWithMyHubby.....I agree that I feel like I am being controlled. She said something to me last week after a few beers that really scared me..she said she didn’t like me to travel because she “knows” what goes on. You get a few drinks in you and before you know it you make a mistake…then she really floored me..she said that the same would go for her. She said you know how I am when I have a few drinks (Very Flirty)…you never know what could happen...almost sounded like a threat to me:/
 

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She was never upset when we were dating...in fact it was nice know how much she missed me..coming to airport etc...yesterday she ignored me when I got home.
Eww.

You need to have a serious talk with this lady before it gets worse.

"Wife, when you do X (Yell at me, ignore me, tell me to go to HR, tell me I can't travel)... it makes me feel controlled/not trusted, unloved, direspected etc. Traveling is a part of my job duties. I need to do it if I want to keep my job. I appreciate you eing concerned and I know your past has made you feel less trustful but we are married and we need to trust eachother and etc."

Your marriage is new. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse or festers,...



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Discussion Starter #13
Jelly---I understand...she just called me and told me that if this travel continues she will "have to do what she needs to do"...are you kidding me??

Last night we were planning an "adult" night after dinner and drinks..then when she brought up my travel she got very hostile..im not a confrontational guy.
I speak my mind with facts and when I get yelled at I clam up and walk away…she does not like that at all…just now she said “all I did was ask you why again you had to travel and you blew up and went upstairs”. This is so not true…she blew up at me and I was not going to have any part of it because I know the wars I can win and those I cannot..so I left the room…
 

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She was never upset when we were dating...in fact it was nice know how much she missed me..coming to airport etc...yesterday she ignored me when I got home. In fact yesterday I actually changed my flight from an original arrival time of 6PM to 4PM. I did 90mph on I-94 to get to airport for earlier flight....
Sigh....so now you're risking your life (& others) on the highways due to her insecurities.

So she had no problem with your travel while dating but then the ring goes on her finger & she wants to quit your job?

Seriously?

You seem like a very smart man. You know that a marriage w/o trust is doomed to fail.

Please stand up for yourself.
 

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My hubby cheated on me, and maybe once a year he has to go away overnight for work, for 3 or 4 days.

What does your wife do? Any chance you could take her with you on some of these trips? That's what I like to do - go with my hubby. When I can't, he leaves me notes, calls and texts me a lot, emails me his itinerary, stuff like that to let me know he's thinking of me and knows I am anxious.

I would never act like your wife is. Never. She has issues and needs to smarten up. Maybe she should see an IC who specializes in dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. Do you know what she did to heal from her first husbands betrayal?
 

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I'mInLoveWithMyHubby.....I agree that I feel like I am being controlled. She said something to me last week after a few beers that really scared me..she said she didn’t like me to travel because she “knows” what goes on. You get a few drinks in you and before you know it you make a mistake…then she really floored me..she said that the same would go for her. She said you know how I am when I have a few drinks (Very Flirty)…you never know what could happen...almost sounded like a threat to me:/
Well you got a clear picture of what your life will be like if you don't put a stop to this right now.

You have to travel for work and she needs to deal with it THE SAME WAY SHE DID WHEN YOU WERE DATING. Let her know you're onto her game and it's not going to work. She's welcome to do what she wishes with your attitude on the matter, but you aren't changing a thing.

Also, don't put anyone elses life in danger trying to make a flight to please her. Every time you cave, you're validating her tantrums. It's good to understand why she may be insecure, but you aren't her ex. If she had hang ups this bad she should have gotten some help for it before getting into ANY relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Now that I think about it she really has not healed from her X’s betrayal. She mentions it all the time to me and other family members. It was horrible. He moved from the Midwest out to CA to marry this “other” woman and they have no contact. They had 3 children together and to this day never talk.
I don’t think she is over her hurt and is taking it out on me…..
 

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Now that I think about it she really has not healed from her X’s betrayal. She mentions it all the time to me and other family members. It was horrible. He moved from the Midwest out to CA to marry this “other” woman and they have no contact. They had 3 children together and to this day never talk.
I don’t think she is over her hurt and is taking it out on me…..
There you go. Do some research of your own so that you can understand what she's going through and try to get her to seek some help. She needs to do this for herself, but I highly doubt your marriage will survive if she doesn't.
 

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Now that I think about it she really has not healed from her X’s betrayal. She mentions it all the time to me and other family members. It was horrible. He moved from the Midwest out to CA to marry this “other” woman and they have no contact. They had 3 children together and to this day never talk.
I don’t think she is over her hurt and is taking it out on me…..
Well that theory of the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else doesn't work for everybody. She has kids with a man that abandoned her and his family for another woman. That's not something the average person can just 'get over' even after months of therapy. She's still grieving what happened to her, and your traveling triggers her like crazy. It's not you at all.

She needs to get some help, that's for sure. Until that happens though, you still need to not let her manipulate you the way she has. This is her problem to deal with, put it squarely back in HER lap.
 

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Jelly---I understand...she just called me and told me that if this travel continues she will "have to do what she needs to do"...are you kidding me??
Call her bluff. Tell her that a marriage can't survive on ultimatums.

Know what I mean?

You have absolutely got to make it clear to her what your boundaries are cause this lady doesn't respect you.



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