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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been married 43+ years, two grown children, we are in good health, look 10-15 years younger than our ages. However, there is no physical contact between us, and there has been only 4 intimate sexual relations in the last 13 1/2 years, the last time 10 1/2 years ago. There is the usual goodbye kiss when one of us leaves or returns home, but it is more like a mother's peck than a kiss. The kiss at New Year's eve is the same with nothing touching but lips and then only a peck. She claims I have not spent enough time with her referring to a period of about 3 years when I served as an elder in our church and that responsibility did take a lot of my time. I have admitted to her that I know I have not spent time with her, I have admitted other areas that I have not been the right kind of husband to her and have asked for forgiveness. I once wrote a letter confessing my failings and asking for forgiveness but there was no response. I did not expect a major love feast but at least some expression. It is very hard for me physically because I need so much to touch and feel her touch. I probably could get along without any sexual contact if there could only be a hug, a long hug, occassionally, and a 'I love you' kiss. But when I talk about these areas, she said "well, you haven't done anything." Several months ago, while in the kitchen where it is safe (i.e. not in the bedroom), I gave her a hug but she did not return it and it was like hugging a 12 year old boy in front of his friends.

I have gone as far as searched the internet to see if it is legal to sell hugs because I would buy a bunch. Fortunately, I have not been in a situation where I was tempted and I try to keep myself out of those situations. But it is getting harder and harder. I have basically given up. I think if a person likes someone, they will want to touch them, regularly. I think she simply does not have any interest in physical intimacy, or holding all that I have done against me, possibly seeing someone else or maybe a hormone factor. But she would not take any medication just to bring more physical desire into her life.

Sorry for being so long. It just helps to write about it. Sort of takes the weight off for a little while.

FromNeptune
 

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well this is my perspective...

There are times where I ahve been, "not going to ahve sex with my wife anymore, due to something I said, or she said, etc."

then I start thinking about it....

Who am I punishing here?

myself? Considering she is the only person I wish to have sex with and I only have 1 life to live....

So i stop feeling sorry for myself then I flirt, and grab my wife's tush, chest or what have you. anyway, I let her know I am "interested" in her...She get's the signals...and we usually end up in the bedroom.

So my point is, the only one really stopping you, is you.

as the Nike commercial says, "just do it"

Flirt with her, grab her, wink at her....Bring her flowers, start the "courting" all over again.

What are you waiting for??? Enjoy life! do something about it!

you won't regret it, and when you both get off your stubborn horses and "re-connect" it will be great for both of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your interest and reply but your suggested approach would never get off the ground. I'm not feeling sorry for myself especially when I express how hard it is to continue. I am simply facing reality. I agree with part of what you are saying, the 'flirting, show interest, etc.' But this needs to be done without any preset motives and truely be in her interest. Any courting I might start up again will be fine with my wife as long as it is at a distance and absolutely no touching. But I have been down this road before and I know before I start any casual "flirting" to more and little more, the response will be zero. And that is ok because it is telling me, as it would to any single man courting a woman before marriage and it is the same in a marriage relationship, she is sending a strong message that she is not interested. In this 13 year period I have been to counselors, she did not want to go but did go twice but it is clear that is not what she wants to do. Your approach is almost boarding on a bit of force and I don't believe a woman wants that from a man.
 

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I hear depression in your voice. I know you have alot of issues but I think counceling as individuals here are ways of bringing back affection, but you have to work on it together. It's a 10 hug 6Xs a day. It sounds weird but it helps in reconnection. There are other things you can do. Do you think that either of you have some health issues that have decreased your libido? If that is the case, health check up with these issues looked into as well as couceling to see what is going on with the two of you. Best wishes to you both.
 

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Is it at all possible that there may be a medical reason that could be causing the low sex drive? But then I guess that wouldn't describe the no contact or touch at all?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
Thanks for your comments. You are correct about the depression. I am taking medication as well as my wife. She only started within the last 6 months and it has helped her to be more calm and not as snappy and critical. My depression is coming not only from this situation but heavy responsibilities I have had to carry in our greater family for last four years including my mother in a home and all that goes with that and other too much to briefly state. Plus I retired from 30+ years in aerospace industry in 2004 but for last 2+ years been working as business manager in a parochial school. Lots of stress that needs to find a way to release. Until 1998, I was an avid runner/jogger. I love runnning, especially long distances of 6, 7, 9 miles. Then the other responsibility regarding our single adult daughter with 2 children having to spend time and money in court due to actions of her former husband, my schedule has been so irregular that I could not count on having a free afternoon to run. Basically my running came to an abrupt end-not my choice-but by circumstances. Then the weight has come which is not good. I have tried getting back starting with walking but I am having a hard time getting motivated whereas before I would pass up a good meal to run.
Counseling would be a big help I agree but finding a good one and getting my wife to agree to go will be tough. We did go to a counselor about 2 years ago, right away she asked me how I felt about something, I responded and then she turned to my wife and ask, "What do you think about.......?" My wife has a difficulty expressing herself and has to get to know a person before opening up. The counselor took a big jump into an area too quickly. Concerning decreasing libido, this has not happened with me even being on the anti-depression medication and high blood pressure medication. In fact, I don't remember it ever decreasing. We have an excellent family doctor and I would not hesitate to bring it up but in a way, I feel I would be almost putting pressure on my wife by bringing him into the picture. I need a check up and maybe I'll ask her first. Touching-she will not object if I were to give her a hug from time to time or even a longer maybe more passionate kiss. But a wall would come up very quickly, like "ok, that's enough for now," or someother comment so that it does not go further and it would all be onsided, that is it wouldn't be returned.

Thanks again for listening.
 

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There could be many reasons not to have a sex drive, but the need of touch, og being close by, that is something that unless you "planted" or built with the years, is difficult to get after this long time.
I'll give you an example. Ever since I met my girlfriend, I always touched her, in a way or another, not necesarily sexual, but just touching her skin was great. Well, when I was mad about something, or something was bothering me, I just didn't feel like touching her and she absolutely missed it! And was mad that I withdrew my touching her!
So, basically talk to her and tell her what you want. Maybe you might get what you are looking for, or at least she'll be willing to meet you half way up.
 

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never said anything about "force"

but my wife is very passive and submissive. If I do not initiate, then it will never happen.

She doesn't even like to do store returns due to the "confrotation" factor.

Sounds like you both gave up a long time ago and neither one of you are willing to correct it.

my point is simple, "if you want something go after it" not meaning being aggressive, but persistent.

My wife and I were wathcing Indiana Jones last night, she was all hot an bothered by harrison ford, i asked her why, and she said, "well he is a take charge kind of guy, but also a nice guy, not a jerk" women like that in general.

they don't like complete jerks and aggressive personalities, nor dot hey like the ultra soft, push over guy. They like majority of us in the middle.

that is my point.

I wish you the best of luck, sorry she is so distant, not sure if there is much left you can do besides move on.
 

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I"m sorry you're going through with this. It must be terrible.

If I had to guess I'd say that your wife is hurting inside. Part of her might actually want to reach out to you, but if she's depressed it may be really hard for her to do that. Have you told her how you feel?
 

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I also wanted to add that your situation reminds me of a book I read. "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks. The husband in that book was in a similar situation. Even though it's seen as more of a novel for women, you may want to check it out.
 

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Hello everyone. I'm already 33 years old, NEVER been married. Ending up in a touchless marriage is one of the concerns that holds me back from getting married in the first place. I NEVER objectify women but touching is a reasonable expectation in a romantic relationship whether courtship or legally married. I am a low-wage worker, plan to be for a lifetime, and will NEVER have the thousands of dollars divorce mediators will charge. Litigated divorces can cost up to half a million dollars for the losing party. Again I will NEVER have that kind of money. Getting married is cheap: in Orange County, CA, USA it only costs $28 for a civil ceremony at the Clerk-Recorder's office. But divorce costs THOUSANDS no matter where you are!
 

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Doesn't sound like fun.. Continue with therapy for yourself and encourage her to go as well. Take care yourself by eating healthy and exercising. You mentioned that you were really into running, can't you try and start walking or do some light jogging? I'm sure if you make the time for yourself, it will help. Take your wife out on the weekends-- movie, dinner or a drive somewhere. I would continue to hug her, one of these times she'll give one back!
 

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boy you have it tough. After so many years, the marriage is like a comfortable well worn shoe to wear. It provides you with a home, food, financial security, support. BUT obviously you have a higher sex drive than your wife.

I do not understand this very much. A woman might not be all that interested in sex...but does she not feel some OBLIGATION for sex with the husband? She feels obligated to cook supper, dd the laundry...but not something really important like sex?

I guess you have to decide if, at this late stage in life, throwing all those comfortable things away to find a woman who actually loves you is worth it. It is a tough choice--made tougher by the years of sexual neglect. A lot of what you are feeling is probably just raw nerves from all the neglect. If you suddenly had a loving sexual wife....you probably would find you are not having that much sex at all. It is just that NOW you have none, so it is always on your mind.

Maybe you can get her to agree to "once a month", or something like that...the bare minimum you can live with
 

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This thread is 9 years old, and someone replied to it. 9 years. Why do people do this?
As one who was guilty of this once in the past, I think this is how it happens.

One is interested in a thread. Upon getting to the bottom of the thread, there is a box with "similar threads." Having an interest, one clicks on a similarly interesting thread and begins taking an interest in that thread--usually without bothering to check the date of the most recent post. One hops in, and the zombie arises. Often others then follow as well.

I learned to check the most recent date. But it's easy to forget. Without some kind of automatic feature closing threads with some specified period of inactivity, this will continue to happen. People like substantive discussion, not looking for administrative details.
 
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